RE: BDSM as therapy

RE: BDSM as therapy (Full Version)

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DesFIP -> RE: BDSM as therapy (3/26/2014 5:04:18 PM)
I have no problem with a person deciding for themselves to act something out. I have huge problems with someone else deciding it should be done. See, me saying I wanted to do a scene from a rough age, and I needed it to come out positive, was me knowing what I needed. And I've had enough therapy to be highly self aware. Had he decided that he could play therapist and know what I needed, the odds are he would have screwed up. Because he isn't a trained therapist and this isn't his area of expertise.

littlewonder -> RE: BDSM as therapy (3/26/2014 6:11:55 PM)
I'm of the opinion that your partner can be your rock, your support, can help you through difficult times but is NOT your therapist, that includes your Master/Dom/Domme, etc.... Master has helped me through tough times. I've helped him through such times as well. We're just a couple who do normal couple things for each other. But for serious, clinical, medical, mental issues, see a therapist who can find out what is really wrong with you and can make sure you get the correct help you need be it feedback, medicines or even a diagnosis that may have been overlooked. Your partner cannot do that for you.

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: BDSM as therapy (3/26/2014 6:25:17 PM)
I agree about the difference between "therapy" and "therapeutic value". As one person pointed out, any healthy relationship has therapeutic value. If you have serious problems/issues..BDSM is like drugs, alcohol, overeating....if you use it to hide from something you don't WANT to deal with..there is a problem. That being said...I have times when stressed out or overwhelmed where I will crave the release I get from a beating, I will crave the tightness and motionlessness of being tied up and/or the "shutdown" that I get to go into when with Malcolm. Escapism is not a bad thing if it is temporary and if it gives you the energy to go back out and fight [:D]

littlewonder -> RE: BDSM as therapy (3/26/2014 6:36:44 PM)
When I first got into bdsm I did it for "therapy". It was my crutch. My husband had just died and I wanted to feel something, anything at all...good or bad....just feel. I was completely numb. Bdsm definitely made me feel something. I was a hardcore masochist and could take all kinds of pain because that pain was better than the emotional pain I was going through. In the end though it was a horrible thing to do. I ended up hurting myself, my family, men I had been with, my daughter, my friends, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. There are some who I hurt so badly that they will never, ever forgive me and I've had to come to terms with that. Now I no longer use it as a crutch and therapy. I'm no longer a masochist. I can barely take any pain at all these days. <Master wishes at times he had met me during my masochist days. I keep telling him that would not have been wise at all!>. Now bdsm is just fun and relaxing at times and I'm now all about a healthy relationship which means I take responsibility for my own well-being in the end instead of relying on him to fix me. Yeah...I highly suggest not using your partner, family or friends as pawns in your life.

kalikshama -> RE: BDSM as therapy (3/27/2014 4:51:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt I think a awful lot of people use BDSM as therapy when frankly they shouldn't. It's one of the reason I wrote "The White Knight Syndrome and Damsels in Distress." Great article, Chatte! My first visit to your blog - you write very well :) This describes my neighbor to a T. (He doesn't see view ALL women like this; just the ones with whom he would like a relationship): A person with White Knight Syndrome has an obsessive need to rescue potential partners. They habitually seek people with lots of emotional baggage who need ‘fixing.’ Quite naturally their partner of choice is the Damsel in Distress. Your archetypal white knight: - Sees [her] as powerless and unable to defend or take care of [herself]. - Sees [her] problems as the result of misfortune or the cruelty of this world, never as their own fault. [She is] never responsible for [her] troubles. - Considers it is [his] responsibility to help women solve their problems and sees doing so as a sign of nobility. - Thinks a woman will forever be grateful to a man who helps her. She will praise him, love him and give herself to him. (Art of Confidence/White Knight) . And this is his ex: Here are some further signs of the Damsel in Distress: 1. She’s always in peril. This is not normal. Normal people figure out how to get their shit together and avoid crises. The Damsel in Distress manufactures crises and uses them as her mating call. 2. She has problems with finances. Occasionally all of us run into some financial problems. But the difference in the Damsel in Distress and the rest of us (normal people) is that we figure out what went wrong in the first place, suffer a little until we get back on our feet, and don’t let it happen again. Improvise, adapt and overcome. The Damsel in Distress flops around like a flounder until someone takes pity on her and bails her out. Incidentally, the Damsel in Distress never pays back loans. 3. She “Can’t.” Normal people “can.” There are a long list of things that the Damsel in Distress “can’t” do, and that list looks very similar to what the Damsel in Distress doesn’t “want” to do. Avoid dating women who overuse the word, “Can’t.” Otherwise you will be the person picking up her dog’s poop out of the yard. (Gold Digger in Disguise: The Damsel in Distress \| Shrink4Men)

kalikshama -> RE: BDSM as therapy (3/27/2014 4:54:09 AM)
quote: Can BDSM be therapeutic? I think a lot of people will answer yes to that statement. Many people find BDSM provides stress relief to both the D & s types. Most of these people already knew various methods for dealing with stress, but found a wonderful fun way with BDSM. Should BDSM be used a therapy to someone who is struggling, whether it be mental illness, physical abuse, or other reasons? I would argue a firm NO. If you or your partner do not already know how to cope with life, BDSM is not going to be some magical cure all of a sudden. BDSM is not going to solve key fundamental issues in a person's life. Well said!

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: BDSM as therapy (3/27/2014 4:56:02 AM)
Thank you Kalikshama. It was an article that needed writing, and most especially with how it ties into preconceived stereotypes of BDSM orientations or roles.

theshytype -> RE: BDSM as therapy (3/27/2014 6:00:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder When I first got into bdsm I did it for "therapy". It was my crutch. My husband had just died and I wanted to feel something, anything at all...good or bad....just feel. I was completely numb. Bdsm definitely made me feel something. I was a hardcore masochist and could take all kinds of pain because that pain was better than the emotional pain I was going through. In the end though it was a horrible thing to do. I ended up hurting myself, my family, men I had been with, my daughter, my friends, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. There are some who I hurt so badly that they will never, ever forgive me and I've had to come to terms with that. Now I no longer use it as a crutch and therapy. I'm no longer a masochist. I can barely take any pain at all these days. <Master wishes at times he had met me during my masochist days. I keep telling him that would not have been wise at all!>. Now bdsm is just fun and relaxing at times and I'm now all about a healthy relationship which means I take responsibility for my own well-being in the end instead of relying on him to fix me. Yeah...I highly suggest not using your partner, family or friends as pawns in your life. LW, I hope you don't mind me asking, and I'm not asking for specifics, but how did it affect your relationships? In my mind, it would be like any other addiction, particularly drugs and alcohol, and am curious if I'm close in that assumption. Avoiding and/or ditching friends and family for your next "fix", dumping boyfriends because they wouldn't provide the pain you wanted when you wanted it? Anger building up because the true issues are not being resolved, therefore lashing out against others? Again, not asking for specifics, but what made you realize there was a problem to help snap you out of it?

njlauren -> RE: BDSM as therapy (3/27/2014 8:49:06 PM)
BD/SM can be therapeutic, in the way that other things in life can be.For example, a standard description of male subs going to pro dommes has truth to it, lot of their clients can be high powered, alpha men looking for at least in part, the ability to let go and give control to someone else (yes, this is simplistic, the reality is complex:). Plus if you do scene play, doing corporal and such, releases endorphins and it creates a special place for sub and dominant alike. I have met people who were emotionally fucked up, or had mental health problems, who I thought were using BD/SM as crutch, kind of analagous to how people with mental health issues will try to self med with various drugs, like alcohol or heroin or whatever. Like in almost any aspect of life, I also have met some people in D/s relationships that I wondered about, where it didn't seem healthy.....I worked with a therapist for a number of years who was part of the scene community herself, and she said that she had seen people who she thought were using it trying to compensate for things, but that ultimately like any crutch isn't going to help, it just keeps the person limping along. She also told me she had at least one patient who had gotten themselves really fucked up trying to use BD/SM like this, woman had a dom who thought he could 'cure' her of all kinds of anxiety issues and such, and it ended up with him abusing her in the name of 'therapy' and the poor woman ended up suicidal and even more of a mess (on the other hand, she was really lucky to find my therapist IMO:). Basically, using BD/SM as therapy is like going to an auto mechanic for medical advice.

seekingreality -> RE: BDSM as therapy (3/27/2014 9:54:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FeralFoxy I've seen a couple of interesting remarks here about the therapeutic value of bdsm. One thread about age play talks about it "filling a gap". Another speaks of D-types that are into "broken birds", and how they're pretty messed up themselves to be into someone like that. The opinions seem to be split on whether bdsm can/should be therapeutic, and whether it is healthy for a person with mental illness or past trauma to engage in bdsm. I'm interested in hearing different perspectives and experiences. Edited just for u. [;)] I think it can be cathartic, in the same way a good cry can, but I don't think it's generally therapeutic. If people who have mental illness or past trauma engage in BDSM, it may not injure them, but I doubt it will be beneficial in a medical sense.

fucktoyprincess -> RE: BDSM as therapy (3/28/2014 10:44:59 AM)
Whether one is vanilla or BDSM (because I don't think it matters when it comes to mental/psychological health), I think the ONLY way to deal with any serious mental/psychological condition OR any serious trauma from one's past is to do it with the help of medical professionals (and I include psychologists in that definition). Anyone who thinks that drugs/alcohol/BDSM/high risk activity/etc. is somehow "curing" them of their ills is sadly mistaken. We all have our flaws, but being psychologically well-balanced is something we should all strive for in our lives. BDSM cannot "cure" or "treat" one's psychological demons. And anyone who tries to use other people based on their psychological demons is mistreating another human being. I always tell people that my interest in BDSM doesn't come from a wounded or insecure place. And if anyone thinks their interest in BDSM comes from such a place, I strongly encourage them to seek the help they need to tackle whatever issues are lurking beneath the surface. And don't worry. Being psychologically well balanced does not necessarily mean you will lose your interest in BDSM. I very strongly believe one's interest in BDSM should come from a healthy place. Otherwise an interest in BDSM is, in fact, an indication of instability and suggests that all of us who enjoy BDSM are psychologically unstable. And I don't believe that for a second. Healthy people can, of course, be attracted to BDSM. So then this takes me back to my original premise, which is that whether vanilla or BDSM wired, one ought to strive for being psychologically well-balanced. [sm=2cents.gif]

littlewonder -> RE: BDSM as therapy (3/29/2014 8:41:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: theshytype quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder When I first got into bdsm I did it for "therapy". It was my crutch. My husband had just died and I wanted to feel something, anything at all...good or bad....just feel. I was completely numb. Bdsm definitely made me feel something. I was a hardcore masochist and could take all kinds of pain because that pain was better than the emotional pain I was going through. In the end though it was a horrible thing to do. I ended up hurting myself, my family, men I had been with, my daughter, my friends, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. There are some who I hurt so badly that they will never, ever forgive me and I've had to come to terms with that. Now I no longer use it as a crutch and therapy. I'm no longer a masochist. I can barely take any pain at all these days. <Master wishes at times he had met me during my masochist days. I keep telling him that would not have been wise at all!>. Now bdsm is just fun and relaxing at times and I'm now all about a healthy relationship which means I take responsibility for my own well-being in the end instead of relying on him to fix me. Yeah...I highly suggest not using your partner, family or friends as pawns in your life. LW, I hope you don't mind me asking, and I'm not asking for specifics, but how did it affect your relationships? In my mind, it would be like any other addiction, particularly drugs and alcohol, and am curious if I'm close in that assumption. Avoiding and/or ditching friends and family for your next "fix", dumping boyfriends because they wouldn't provide the pain you wanted when you wanted it? Anger building up because the true issues are not being resolved, therefore lashing out against others? Again, not asking for specifics, but what made you realize there was a problem to help snap you out of it? Yup, it was exactly like drugs and alcohol. I was always looking for my next fix. I ignored my child. I was always angry, I didn't take care of myself, my life was completely fucked up. I was on a downward spiral and I finally realized it after I became extremely angry with the ex Dom which is what ended our relationship and unfortunately my daughter who was just a little girl at the time, got stuck in the middle of the heat and I almost physically hurt her. After that, I realized I had to get my life back together before I lost my entire life altogether. To this day my daughter still does not forgive me for that no matter how much I have apologized to her over the years. Those are years that I will never get back and where all my regrets in my life lie.

clickandreboot -> RE: BDSM as therapy (9/14/2014 11:13:13 PM)
A very interesting discussion. i have 25 years experience as a qualified trained psychotherapist and have worked mainly in outpatient psychiatric units or community based programs linked to hospitals. I also have some, not a lot, but some personal experience with bondage. First, I would never ever promote bdsm as therapy. I understand the temptation to see it as a potential therapeutic tool, but in reality, to work with it in that way would be so complicated and with so many potential boundary contamination issues that for all intents and purposes it would be impossible. There is a scene in the Cronenberg film "A Dangerous Method" in which Psychiatrist Carl Jung is whipping his patient Sabina Spielrein (who he is also physically intimate with). In reality the relationship between the two became extremely disturbed and caused Jung especially profound grief, remorse, and guilt. In this case it certainly didn't help the therapist, And as to Sabina, her fury led her to confess what had been going on to Freud -t whom Jung was becoming increasingly alienated from. Basically it was a mess all around.

MariaB -> RE: BDSM as therapy (9/15/2014 1:13:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: clickandreboot A very interesting discussion. i have 25 years experience as a qualified trained psychotherapist and have worked mainly in outpatient psychiatric units or community based programs linked to hospitals. I also have some, not a lot, but some personal experience with bondage. First, I would never ever promote bdsm as therapy. I understand the temptation to see it as a potential therapeutic tool, but in reality, to work with it in that way would be so complicated and with so many potential boundary contamination issues that for all intents and purposes it would be impossible. There is a scene in the Cronenberg film "A Dangerous Method" in which Psychiatrist Carl Jung is whipping his patient Sabina Spielrein (who he is also physically intimate with). In reality the relationship between the two became extremely disturbed and caused Jung especially profound grief, remorse, and guilt. In this case it certainly didn't help the therapist, And as to Sabina, her fury led her to confess what had been going on to Freud -t whom Jung was becoming increasingly alienated from. Basically it was a mess all around. I'm going to download that film as its something I believe both Steve and me can relate to. I have a phobia and I absolutely know its origins. After several years in a loving and trusting relationship we decided to dig out its routes and see if we could heal me of it. We spoke about it in depth, discussed what we could do and set about on what we believed to be, a very safe path. I was well aware that the moment I said "stop" it stopped. We believed it to be a success, in fact I even wrote a fairly in depth paper about it. At the time we would of encouraged anyone to take the path we had taken. Three years on and my phobia is tenfold. Even cuddling is now difficult with the man I love and love making is impossible unless I'm on top!. We had brought something out in the open and laid it bare and we did so without the informed knowledge of a therapist. Instead of having a phobia that catches me out now and again, I now have a phobia that rules my life and I have a husband, just like Jung, who suffers profound grief and remorse.

clickandreboot -> RE: BDSM as therapy (9/15/2014 1:32:04 AM)
It is most definitely worth viewing as long as you keep in mind the fact that Cronenberg takes some liberties in telling the story. Sabina Spielrein was a fascinating woman and it is slowly coming out just how significant she was to Freud and Jung's theories- She became a psychoanalyst herself. THank you for recounting your experience, and your paper must be fascinating to read. It sounds like something that really should be published in a journal, with added commentary of your thoughts on it now, as I think that there would be a great deal of professional interest in it.

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