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BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 8:09:18 AM

FeralFoxy

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I've seen a couple of interesting remarks here about the therapeutic value of bdsm. One thread about age play talks about it "filling a gap". Another speaks of D-types that are into "broken birds", and how they're pretty messed up themselves to be into someone like that. The opinions seem to be split on whether bdsm can/should be therapeutic, and whether it is healthy for a person with mental illness or past trauma to engage in bdsm. I'm interested in hearing different perspectives and experiences.

Edited just for u.

< Message edited by FeralFoxy -- 3/26/2014 9:06:16 AM >

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 9:00:36 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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I'm sure almost anything can be applied in a therapeutic way with the right people and the right knowledge. On the other hand, I don't think an intimate partner is the right person to be acting as your therapist (general you, not Foxy). I also think it's dangerous to try to fix people if you're not qualified to do so, and I've seen a few people with apparently no actual training or experience attempt to do exactly that. A good dom/master should be able to support and compliment the work of a therapist, but should not attempt to replace one.

I do generally get suspicious of those who seem to seek out partners with serious issues or 'damage'. I think it speaks of unhealthy boundaries (a need to be needed, an image of themselves as a hero etc) or in some cases, outright predatory behaviour by picking those who are less able to spot red flags and make informed choices.

I also think we sometimes use the word 'therapeutic' when we really just mean something is relaxing, or cathartic.

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 9:13:29 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FeralFoxy
whether it is healthy for a person with mental illness or past trauma to engage in bdsm.

I'm less concerned with that than I am about people who aren't qualified to provide psychological care thinking they can provide therapy to someone who needs it.

There is also a difference between using BDSM as a crutch for an issue (which most who claim it's therapy do) than a professional therapist providing therapy for self acceptance.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

I do generally get suspicious of those who seem to seek out partners with serious issues or 'damage'. I think it speaks of unhealthy boundaries (a need to be needed, an image of themselves as a hero etc) or in some cases, outright predatory behaviour by picking those who are less able to spot red flags and make informed choices.

I absolutely agree with this. People who make a point of seeking out damaged partners, have issues themselves. It's either "White Knight Syndrome" or it's severe self esteem issues (which is the basis of abuse, bullying, etc).

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 3/26/2014 9:22:04 AM >

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 9:14:13 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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What a fantastic topic!

I think a awful lot of people use BDSM as therapy when frankly they shouldn't. It's one of the reason I wrote "The White Knight Syndrome and Damsels in Distress."

I think BDSM attracts predator as well as victim types who use it to validate their own neuroses. Then there are those who think the right dominant should be able to help them through past trauma or abuse, and when that doesn't work, decides she or he is an abuser.

As with all romantic relationships, when people 'fall in love' there's a lot of room for any mental instability to be buried. The act of fall in love releases dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin into our brains and makes us feel really good and bonded with our partner. (http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm)

Which means to me the first few years of a relationship you're still high on love. This is when you should be building trust, intimacy, solid friendship. If you don't, your relationship won't outlast the chemically high stage.

This is true of all relationships, BDSM or not.

I do think BDSM can be used as a positive framework to achieve the levels of bonding and intimacy needed to outlast the chemical high and form a solid long term relationship.

In the end, all of us are imperfect relationship material. Nobody gets the perfect childhood, or adolescence, or adulthood. We all come into relationships with baggage. As imperfect humans, it's who we are.

It's what you do with it that matters.

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 9:23:43 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I think BDSM attracts predator as well as victim types who use it to validate their own neuroses. Then there are those who think the right dominant should be able to help them through past trauma or abuse, and when that doesn't work, decides she or he is an abuser.

We call them "Cinderella subs". They're waiting for Prince Charming to come along and solve all of their problems.

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 9:28:11 AM

shiftyw

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I don't think it should be used as therapy.
And I am suspicious of anyone who uses damaged people as projects or fixer uppers.
I attend therapy to work out my feelings and issues, in many cases before I did that- it further traumatized me at the worse- or made whoever I was with miserable.

Idk- I used to be real "here's my issues! now we can share the weight of them!" which is really really unfair to whoever is having to do that. I realize its really up to me to "get better" and take care of myself. BDSM really lends itself to sometimes making the s type someone else's responsibility- which is really unhealthy, in my opinion, for everyone involved. And I get that everyone wants to save someone and be their whole world and its really great to feel like you've solved someone's problems and be loved for it. For me though- I learned pretty quickly that I had to knock that shit off and get some therapy from someone with a license in it and keep it out of the bedroom.

Admittedly- the temptation to fall back into these behaviors is there- but my relationship is so much better without my personal drama and problems as the base of the relationship- and I love myself so much more.

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 9:28:26 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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That's exactly it, women who have to have a man in their life to fix their problems.

I have 4 sisters, and growing up I used to tell them, there is no Mr. Clean (remember those commercials, Mr. Clean would come along and clean your messes up for you).

Although I do think these types are prevalent in the BDSM community, they are prevalent everywhere, along with the white knights running to their rescue.

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 9:40:19 AM

Toysinbabeland

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chatte...lol...you have cmail...

quote:

there is no Mr. Clean (remember those commercials, Mr. Clean would come along and clean your messes up for you).

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 9:45:48 AM

Greta75

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I gotta admit that bdsm is seriously an addictive temporary escapism from emotional pain, but the big word is TEMPORARY. It can't fix it.

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 10:44:48 AM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

I'm sure almost anything can be applied in a therapeutic way with the right people and the right knowledge. On the other hand, I don't think an intimate partner is the right person to be acting as your therapist (general you, not Foxy). I also think it's dangerous to try to fix people if you're not qualified to do so, and I've seen a few people with apparently no actual training or experience attempt to do exactly that. A good dom/master should be able to support and compliment the work of a therapist, but should not attempt to replace one.

I do generally get suspicious of those who seem to seek out partners with serious issues or 'damage'. I think it speaks of unhealthy boundaries (a need to be needed, an image of themselves as a hero etc) or in some cases, outright predatory behaviour by picking those who are less able to spot red flags and make informed choices.

I also think we sometimes use the word 'therapeutic' when we really just mean something is relaxing, or cathartic.

Someone who needed medical attention of any kind, including psychological should not replace that care with a lifestyle that involves a great deal of trust, no. Funny enough, most Doms are very capable people. If they're not, they're not a D. Irresponsible people should not be responsible for any other at any given time.

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 11:00:36 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
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I could be wrong here, but if I see someone state BDSM can be/is therapeutic, they're usually meaning it has therapeutic value, not meaning in place of therapy. Something that is done because its enjoyed, and has the added benefits of being therapeutic.
At the very least, that's how I view it.

I equate it to other things in life. Drinking being the most popular example. A glass after a stressful day may be relaxing, but having several glasses everyday to deal with life is a problem.

Assuming a person uses BDSM as therapy, a way to cope with life, they may become addicted. With many addictions, they begin to take over someone's life and negatively affect relationships.
I'm not personally comfortable with anything, other than myself, controlling my life.
Still, since I don't personally know anyone that uses BDSM as therapy, or the exact effects of doing so, I don't have an opinion as to whether it's right or wrong.

< Message edited by theshytype -- 3/26/2014 11:02:42 AM >

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 12:58:38 PM

KnightofMists

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Using BDSM for therapy is like saying you use sex for Therapy. I just don't see it as very smart. Please show me any accredited mental health professional that uses BDSM or Sex as a tool for the therapy of a person with mental health issues. I just never seen anyone that does... And for good reason.

Now does sex and BDSM have some theraputic value. Yes.. I believe it does. Just like exercising, mountain climbing, mediation, hunting, knitting and array of other things people do for relaxation and fun.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 3/26/2014 12:59:20 PM >

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 1:08:07 PM

UllrsIshtar

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~FR~

Any good healthy relationship, whether kinky or vanilla, has therapeutic value. This is because in good healthy relationships we grow as people, and slowly become more self-actulized into our ideal selfs.

I also believe that in order to have a good healthy relationship, people need to enter it not expecting to fix themselves or their partners by means of said relationship.

In other words, whatever growth/therapeutic value one can derive from a healthy relationship can only be obtained if therapeutic value isn't the aim of the relationship, and instead just a pleasant side effect from two people enabling each other to be more of themselves.

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 1:41:32 PM

SweetAnise

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To the OP: Not a good idea. Not healthy and often performed by unhealthy and/or unqualified individuals. Those on the receiving end are often severely ill or don't want to spend the time, money, and energy or working on themselves with a therapist by themselves.

< Message edited by SweetAnise -- 3/26/2014 1:45:12 PM >

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 1:46:08 PM

SeekingTrinity

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From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
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~FRing it~

I'll freely admit that I have trouble with appearing vulnerable in front of others. I hate feeling exposed, helpless, out of control, and showing too much emotion. I liken it to how animals won't show that they are hurting because it signals being an easy target.

In my relationship with my guy, my bottoming to him (we switch exclusively with each other) has been very beneficial and therapeutic for me. It's a safe place for me where I trust him without question, become vulnerable without fear, and to show all of the emotions that I hide from everyone else. I cannot begin to express how cathartic it is and I truly feel like I've become an even better person because of this breakthrough.

I fully agree with what a lot of folks here have said. I see BDSM as something that can be very healthy and therapeutic IF the people are healthy of spirit to begin with. When someone is truly better off receiving professional help to deal with their issues, using BDSM instead is much like trying to put those itty bitty band aids on a garden hose you ran over with a lawn mower about 20-30 times. You might think you are fixing the problem, but that hose is still going to leak like there is no tomorrow once you start running water through it.

I also agree that this way of expression attracts all types. It can range from the emotionally/mentally healthy to the predators/victims.

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 2:14:58 PM

Domnotlooking

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Maybe parse out the diff between therapeutic (makes you feel good) and therapy (addresses real problems). A massage is therapeutic, physical therapy is, well, therapy.

I call kink possibly therapeutic and stay within my pay grade otherwise.

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 2:23:35 PM

UllrsIshtar

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

Maybe parse out the diff between therapeutic (makes you feel good) and therapy (addresses real problems). A massage is therapeutic, physical therapy is, well, therapy.

That would be silly as therapeutic doesn't mean 'makes you feel good' it means 'related to healing/applied for reasons of good health/having a good or healing effect on body or mind'.

A massage is therapeutic because it has health benefits, not because it feels good. The fact that it happens to feel good is irrelevant to the consideration of its therapeutic effects.

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I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 2:25:53 PM

KnightofMists

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Hey.... Wtf! I just glanced through this thread and it seems everyone is pretty much agreeing with everyone..... That is just not cool...... Where is the drama! I blood guts insults gore hurt feelings. Come on this is embarrassing.

Ok next posters. You have to come and create drama! Fuck... This beginning to sound like it's a small world ride at Disney ... Disgusting!

Edited to add.... Oh stop the train..... I see a glimmer of drama starting!

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 3/26/2014 2:27:12 PM >

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Knight of Mists

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 2:52:34 PM

LadyConstanze

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For me finding BDSM was therapeutic, because things made sense, fell into place, I understood some of my "weird urges", there was a name for it, people who were into it, it wasn't some "defect" I had, the same way when you realize that some things make you sick because you're allergic to them, so you can avoid them, or if you find out that some things help you with your life, so in that respect it was healing as it helped me to accept myself without wondering if I'm such a weirdo, however I wouldn't ever use BDSM in place of therapy, if you're sharing a BDSM experience you're simply too close, a good therapist can't get too involved, they need to keep their distance to be effective, and it's just a completely different matter, it's not a solution or helps you to find a solution. People tend to use BDSM (or relationships) often to run away from the real problem, just like some people try to solve other people's problems because they can't really address their own issues.

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RE: BDSM as therapy - 3/26/2014 4:08:25 PM

mummyman321

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Can BDSM be therapeutic? I think a lot of people will answer yes to that statement. Many people find BDSM provides stress relief to both the D & s types. Most of these people already knew various methods for dealing with stress, but found a wonderful fun way with BDSM.

Should BDSM be used a therapy to someone who is struggling, whether it be mental illness, physical abuse, or other reasons? I would argue a firm NO. If you or your partner do not already know how to cope with life, BDSM is not going to be some magical cure all of a sudden. BDSM is not going to solve key fundamental issues in a person's life.

My personal experience with BDSM is that is took me many years to really understand why I enjoyed BDSM. I see many newbies who just start into BDSM and know they enjoy part of it but do not understand why. Now take a vanilla person who is having a problem coping for whatever reason, I see no way that BDSM is going to help them. I see the potential to create more problems then they already have.

I am an Engineer by trade. I do problem solving for a living. So I like the approach of getting to the root cause and understanding what is the root cause of the issue. Understanding the root cause of the issue almost always also delivers the answer to the problem. Now machines are easy. People are not as easy to find the root cause of a problem. But offering a trip to Disney Land is not going to solve your problems.

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