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Intentions of play - 3/29/2014 7:37:26 AM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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I have done causal play... Never enjoyed it compared to the play I had with the people where there was an intimate relationship.

But... Recently I was at an event and my perspective of play and scenes is changing because of a close friend. He said things that made me think of my own intentions when I came to play or scene with a person. I have always had the perspective that I had greater enjoyment in play with those I had an intimate relationship with due to the bond I had with them. But I come to realize that I think i was leaving out an important aspect to my thoughts on the issue and it was my intentions.

When I played with a person I have that intimate relationship with I realize that my intentions are much more altruistic than when I played with someone where I don't have that intimate relationship with. It seems ironic that for me being more selfish in my causal play may very well have been why I don't enjoy causal play as much as my more intimate play. So.... If or when causal play crosses my path, I know that I am going to be much more conscious of being less selfish with my intentions than I have been in the past.

Now I understand that this is how it may work for me. But how does the intentions of play affect you? Both your play and the person you play with? Or maybe your like me and it wasn't something you put a lot of thought into.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

Post #: 1

RE: Intentions of play - 3/29/2014 10:05:24 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I've tried to spit this out about three times now. Maybe this one will do the trick.

There for a while, maybe even a long while, I was the exact opposite. Looking back in hindsight, there was a time there that I was actually preferring casual play. The intention? I was getting to have fun. Just fun. Pure, unadulterated fun. It didn't come with the part of Me that was really unhappy. The actual sadism part of Me got to be unleashed and I got to play at My level. Sounds backwards as hell, doesn't it? I was happier when I played with other people. That's not the nicest thing in the world to say but those opportunities to play with others were what was satisfying Me.

These days? I honestly don't have a lick of interest in casual play. (Everybody pick your jaw up from off of the floor. I know that shocks some people.) I wouldn't waste the energy to swing a flogger at anybody besides tk. The closest that I come now is being willing to put forth the effort for teaching reasons. I figure, that kind of stuff is for other people. I'm still willing to help out and teach people what I know.

Left to My own devices, it's a whole different ballgame.

_____________________________

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 2

RE: Intentions of play - 3/29/2014 1:04:38 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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Interesting post, Knight...as always.

And Lady...you always have something worthwhile to say. I can concur with what you both had to say...when I was with someone, I tended not to have much interest in casual play. But...as Knight has done...several years ago, I looked back and observed in one of those lightbulb moments that when I did play casually, I was not nearly as selfish with those I was not involved with as I could sometimes be with those I was involved with. After all, when I was playing with those I was involved with, sometimes it was all about MY pleasure whereas when someone asks you to play with them and you agree, it has to be about BOTH parties. Of course, on the flip side of that, sometimes I was more selfish when playing casually than I was with my partners. After all, if I was going to play casually with someone, it had to please BOTH parties and one of those parties was me whereas sometimes when I played with the one I was involved with, her pleasure was the focal point. My pleasure was derived from seeing how much pleasure I could give her before she stopped asking for more. (that's not sadistic, is it?)

Anyway, that line of thought opened me up to deeper consideration when I play with someone, whether casually or in my intimate relationship.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 3

RE: Intentions of play - 3/29/2014 1:41:37 PM

FieryOpal

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Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
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This is a no-brainer for me. I don't do casual, have no interest in doing casual, nor would I allow anyone else to Top my sub whether I was participating or not.

It has nothing to do with selfishness. I don't bond with just anybody, but when I do, it's steadfast. I'm still in touch with my girlfriends from jr. high, and if I hadn't moved around when I was younger and lost touch with earlier friends, I'd still be keeping in touch with them, too. (I had a dozen penpals from personal friendships at one point.)

I can't just detach myself from play as being a casual activity, any more than I can be detached about being intimate with someone or having sex. My personality traits and personal preferences won't allow for it.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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Post #: 4

RE: Intentions of play - 3/29/2014 2:21:00 PM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

I can't just detach myself from play as being a casual activity, any more than I can be detached about being intimate with someone or having sex. My personality traits and personal preferences won't allow for it.

And my issue is I didn't enjoy the causal play because I wasn't getting that bonding and attachment. It was somehow shallow to me and unfulfilling. In part, I realize the biggest reason for not having that attachment was my own intentions coming into the play in the first place.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 5

RE: Intentions of play - 3/29/2014 3:40:25 PM

DanielleofMists

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Joined: 8/11/2013
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I've played casually, I've played with those I cared about and played with those who I was deeply committed to. With the casual play my intentions were pretty selfish, it was because I was wanting play. I have no regrets about this play, it was part of my journey. I learned many things; I experienced fetishes others had, I made mistakes that I learned from, I found things I really enjoyed etc. But if I were to compare it to the play I have today, well there is no comparison. The headspace is where the biggest difference is. In casual play I was really only in it for me, I would get myself into subspace quite quickly which allowed me an escape and I'd just enjoy the ride. With those I have cared about or love deeply there is an energy exchange, I make eye contact, I communicate with them, I enjoy watching their reactions and pleasure as WE play. It's about US not me. Our play these days is very fulfilling, passionate, exhilarating, loving and powerful and I would have it no other way!

< Message edited by DanielleofMists -- 3/29/2014 3:43:54 PM >

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RE: Intentions of play - 3/29/2014 4:07:44 PM

MissImmortalPain

Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
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This is more than likely going to sound overly egocentric, but, there is nothing casual about my play. Not in personal relationship, not when I work, and no matter which it is always about me. Yes, I know that sounds cunty, selfish, and mean, but it is the truth. This morning while a friend was dropping me off he said something I had never heard before. He said I was at the same time the most selfish and generous woman he has ever known. That he knows when we play that before we even start I will go out of my way to make sure he enjoys what is happening to him but that I am not really doing it because of his enjoyment but instead because of my own. I enjoy watching them twist. I enjoy watching their brains try and work around what I am doing to them. Yes, my intention is my enjoyment. Call me selfish if you must but I don't take part in any kind of interaction that doesn't benefit me (yes, I know, I'm horrible)
*side note* The way I play does not change from interpersonal to casual. Play is play (imo)

_____________________________

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We must all go through a right of passage,and it must be physical, it must be painful,and it must leave a mark.

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Post #: 7

RE: Intentions of play - 3/29/2014 5:27:06 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

I have done causal play... Never enjoyed it compared to the play I had with the people where there was an intimate relationship.

But... Recently I was at an event and my perspective of play and scenes is changing because of a close friend. He said things that made me think of my own intentions when I came to play or scene with a person. I have always had the perspective that I had greater enjoyment in play with those I had an intimate relationship with due to the bond I had with them. But I come to realize that I think i was leaving out an important aspect to my thoughts on the issue and it was my intentions.

When I played with a person I have that intimate relationship with I realize that my intentions are much more altruistic than when I played with someone where I don't have that intimate relationship with. It seems ironic that for me being more selfish in my causal play may very well have been why I don't enjoy causal play as much as my more intimate play. So.... If or when causal play crosses my path, I know that I am going to be much more conscious of being less selfish with my intentions than I have been in the past.

Now I understand that this is how it may work for me. But how does the intentions of play affect you? Both your play and the person you play with? Or maybe your like me and it wasn't something you put a lot of thought into.

When I played casual, the intention was all about me and what I was getting out of it. Fuck the other person. If he wasn't enjoying it he was more than able to say so and walk away. It was tit for tat. He got what he wanted. I got what I wanted. If one of us didn't we didn't ever see each other again.

Now my intention for an intimate relationship is still about me but with a selfless desire to make him happy as well because his being happy makes me happy. So I'm still being selfish but I actually care what he gets out of it as well. In casual, I don't.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 8

RE: Intentions of play - 3/29/2014 7:13:51 PM

youthinkso121

Posts: 73
Joined: 10/18/2013
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For once have to agree with LW. A casual play, its about what I want , a relationship its about mutual enjoyment.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 9

RE: Intentions of play - 3/29/2014 9:52:47 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

Sometimes I do casual play with a good friend of mine whose Domme is not always up to it due to her MS. Spanking, flogging, cropping, that sort of thing. And the whole idea is for both of us to just have fun & a good time. With my submissive, we both want that too, but there's also the more intimate emotional connection as well. That makes it that much deeper for both of us, compared to just casually playing with someone.

NBMG

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Post #: 10

RE: Intentions of play - 3/30/2014 6:28:30 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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Casual play holds no interest for me. I find the idea of any sort of intimacy with 'casual' people repulsive. I am selfish in that, if I am not enjoying something and in a really good place (it would take a few paragraphs, that I doubt anyone is interesting in reading, to explain what I mean by 'a really good place') then I have zero interest in spending much time with someone, let alone playing with them.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 11

RE: Intentions of play - 3/30/2014 7:27:23 AM

sunshinemiss

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I'm not sure "selfish" is the word for it, but I'm certainly more guarded when I'm getting to know someone and doing anything of an intimate nature with them. I think trust comes and I am able to be more selfless because who I am is defined by my relationship with the other person. The depth of the relationship informs the depth of the behaviors in which I engage. This includes not just what I do with my body, but also with the words I use, the truths I share, the touch I give. My intentions in most interactions are generally the same - connection with another person. How that is manifested and to what degree of openness that is shared is directly related to how involved we are. Is it selfish? Is it altruistic? Both. The depth of it though... that's the crux for me. I generally find some way to enjoy most interactions I have.

How much I'm willing to give for the other person is not about altruism or selfishness. It is simply acknowledgement of the tenor of the relationship itself.

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RE: Intentions of play - 3/30/2014 7:34:31 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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Excellent explanation Sunny!

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 13

RE: Intentions of play - 3/30/2014 7:57:07 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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"The depth of the relationship informs the depth of the behaviors in which I engage."

I am thinking this is a sunny quote of the day. I know this jumped out at me.
u
I will also state that it is a separate concept to the intentions I bring to the play I do with someone. I see the depth of the relationship relating to the emotional investment I have with the person and as such their obvious things I will do or share with someone that I deeply invested in than one in am not as invested in. In fact just last week I did a small scene that was very powerful emotional that I would never do with someone that I was less emotional invested in. However, this doesn't mean my intentions are more altruistic or less altruistic for me. It really comes down to why I going to play in the first place. I come to realize that even though I can be guarded in what I will do and share with someone I am less emotional invested in doesn't mean I need to be less concerned for their enjoyment and pleasure as well as my own. In fact that holistic intention vrs a self-centred intention is what will open the doors to greater trust and more emotional investment going forward.

A dear friend said he doesn't do causal play. But yet I seen him play with people he has little emotional investment. It was an inconsistency tht bothered me. Until I realized that he approaches all play with holistic intentions and that is his measure of intimate play vrs causal play. I am pretty holistic in my intentions with someone that I am deeply emotionally invested in, but not so much with someone I am less so. I am not sure if changing and being more mindful of my intentions when I play someone where there is less emotional investment will change my enjoyment. But I suspect it will.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 14

RE: Intentions of play - 3/30/2014 8:06:15 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DanielleofMists

I've played casually, I've played with those I cared about and played with those who I was deeply committed to. With the casual play my intentions were pretty selfish, it was because I was wanting play. I have no regrets about this play, it was part of my journey. I learned many things; I experienced fetishes others had, I made mistakes that I learned from, I found things I really enjoyed etc. But if I were to compare it to the play I have today, well there is no comparison. The headspace is where the biggest difference is. In casual play I was really only in it for me, I would get myself into subspace quite quickly which allowed me an escape and I'd just enjoy the ride. With those I have cared about or love deeply there is an energy exchange, [snip] It's about US not me. Our play these days is very fulfilling, passionate, exhilarating, loving and powerful and I would have it no other way!

Great post, thank for saving me the keystrokes!

(in reply to DanielleofMists)

Post #: 15

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