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bdsm in marriage - 3/30/2014 8:14:48 AM   
psub999


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/30/2013
Status: offline 		I have always had an interest in the bdsm lifestyle but have never acted on it because I have been married for 40 years. Lately I have been exploring the site and my interest has grown but I do not want to cheat on my wife. It has occurred to me that I might be able to persuade my wife to assume a dominant role. What is the best way to approach ths? Should I introduce things gradually or tell her everthong I want up font. I would love to be completely submissively behind closed doors. Thanks
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 3/30/2014 8:23:31 AM   
petskye


Posts: 19
Joined: 2/14/2013
Status: offline 		My advice, NEVER cheat on your wife! As for persuading her you should understand that this could be near impossible (imagining if she were to ask you to be a dominant all the time how would you feel about it?) Personally I think you should let her know of your desires at a relatively slow pace and if she has an interest in domming you then you're good if not then you might have to find a compromise where you will both be happy.

(in reply to psub999)
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 3/30/2014 8:36:33 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Definitely introduce the idea gradually. You wouldn't plunge into Calculus before covering 1 + 1, would you?

I've heard good things about the book "When Someone you Know is Kinky" as an icebreaker.

When my (now ex) husband and I were new to BDSM, way back in the 90s, I bought "Screw the Roses; Send me the Thorns" and from time to time would point out various scenarios and say, "That looks like fun."

Now, my ex and I did BDSM in the bedroom only. What do you mean by "bdsm lifestyle" and "completely submissively behind closed doors?"

Do you want her to be in charge of the finances? Other decision making? What's for dinner? Where to go in vacation?

In my current relationship, my man is the social director and decides what we do and how I will be dressed when we do it. I have input. I'm in charge of the food, but often ask for his input.

(in reply to psub999)
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 3/30/2014 8:40:54 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		These books and more are in the booklist: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

Buy the non-fiction that appeals to you and have fun!

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 3/30/2014 8:47:04 AM   
psub999


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/30/2013
Status: offline 		Thanks for the advice. I thought gradually would probably be best. I thought I might see if she might want to put me in handcuffs or tie me up to start (she expressed some interest in this before). If she enjoys that, I might then suggest one of the books. Then maybe I could talk about buying her some fetish wear (the more expensive the better). Eventually I would like to do things like kiss her feet when she enters the room but I guess to get to that point she has to be the one telling me to do it rather than me suggesting it.

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 3/30/2014 9:15:38 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		I think there are a couple of threads on the front page of the General BDSM section that addresses introducing kink to vanilla folks that might give you some ideas of ways to talk with your wife. I'm on an iPad or aid get links for you to make it easier for you to find.

My best piece of advice is for you guys to sit down together and talk about this. If you think she is open to the idea, it might be like opening. There are great books on the book list that could inspire learning and communication for you both. Since only you really know your wife, I can't really say to do X, Y, or Z. But I do wish you luck.

P.S. Don't step out on her. I know you said you didn't want to already, which is good. BDSM is all about trust.

(in reply to psub999)
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 4/1/2014 8:15:29 AM   
FriendlyMuppet


Posts: 171
Joined: 11/16/2010
From: Corpus Christi, Texas
Status: offline 		I don't think I would ever get married, unless my wife knew beforehand that I was kinky and into being her submissive. If she wasn't interested, I probably wouldn't get married. Granted, I can't guarantee that I won't find the perfect woman out there who is so glorious and wonderful that bdsm doesn't even come to mind when I become enraptured by her, but I suspect that probably won't be the case.

_____________________________

My Novels:
The Cell's Door: http://amzn.to/19I6VA1
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 4/1/2014 6:12:48 PM   
MsNoelle19


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/1/2014
Status: offline 		Communication is always key in any relationship- be it BDSM or otherwise. You seem to have caught on to the best option though. I've flirted with unhappy married men for years and the main issue I saw was the lack of communication in terms of what they want. I know asking for what you want is difficult for a submissive, but you have more wiggle room since she hasn't been introduced into the lifestyle.

More than anything, I would communicate your desire to serve and pamper her. As a findomme, that would appeal to me the most. However, take that with a grain of salt as all females are different. Since she's expressed a desire to tie you up/handcuff you, definitely start with that. As you dive deeper into BDSM, the kinkier stuff (foot worship, etc) will follow. I hope you two have fun exploring this together. Remember: trust is key. Never forget that.

(in reply to FriendlyMuppet)
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 4/6/2014 6:11:38 PM   
GoddessScarlettO


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/6/2013
Status: offline 		I agree with what everyone here has said. I have found a wonderful website that educates both Dommes and subs in the finer arts of FemDomme relationships. It also gives advice to those on either side of the slash on how to approach their counterparts with the idea and on how to proceed. I highly recommend you check it out.

FemDomme Society

< Message edited by GoddessScarlettO -- 4/6/2014 6:16:42 PM >

(in reply to MsNoelle19)
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 4/6/2014 6:49:51 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
With 40 years of marriage you have been through a lot together. I assume there's a solid foundation and both parties want to make the relationship work.

The question is - do you want your wife to "play the role" of a dominant woman (the fetish gear, foot kissing ritual you mentioned are male fantasies, YOUR fantasies - what are HER fantasies, if any?) -- Or, do you want her to *enjoy* dominance and take control in a sensual way that arouses her.

If you just want the fun 'sexy times' with some kinky dress up and games and your wife is pretty open minded, then certainly try the approach you suggested but realize you may be faced with the scenario that is often heard: "My wife dominates me but I can tell she does it just to please me. And I have to kind of dictate what happens. I don't feel like it's real."

If you want your wife to embrace, explore, enjoy sensual female dominance you have to be 100% willing to be patient and also accept HER fantasies may put your fantasies in the drawer for some time, or for good. Maybe she doesn't want to wear fetish gear. Maybe that is objectifying and makes her feel uncomfortable. Maybe she doesn't like her feet messed with, or like what you act like when "worshiping" her feet. Maybe, though, she finds that bondage and light spanking is hot and gets her going.

How rigid are you in your expectations?

There's a link in my sig line to a free set of articles I wrote from the female POV regarding introducing BDSM to "non kinky women."

One thing I like to remind subs is that (for the most part, in my experience) the enjoyment of sensual dominance is a slow process. I consider myself "born femdom" (I have had urges to tie up guys since I was old enough to date, long before I knew S&M existed). Even with that, many of the concepts that male subs desire - from strap on to foot worship to dog collar/leash or heavy pain - would have sent me running for the hills in my first few years of experimentation. I was certainly really turned on by male struggling, helplessness and fear - but it takes a process of experimentation (WITHOUT pressure) to evolve that into heavier kinks.

Your fantasy mind might be way far beyond your wife's capabilities or interests.

Akasha

_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to psub999)
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 4/10/2014 12:43:20 PM   
atltraveler79


Posts: 12
Joined: 5/17/2012
Status: offline 		Hello. I sort of understand what you're going through. My wife isn't kinky at all and never will be. There's no way she'd ever take on that role. It's hard to make somebody into something they're not.

(in reply to psub999)
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 4/10/2014 6:36:14 PM   
NakedHouseboyPA


Posts: 3
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Here is the reality if you bring this up to your wife:
1. Your wife will think you have become a pervert and / or you have a mental health issue.
2. Your wife will eventually tell her close girlfriends about your interest / desire.
3. Your wife will eventually tell many of her female family members, and likely some of yours, about your interest / desire.
4. In the unlikely event your wife tries role-playing being dominant she will feel ridiculous and hate it.
5. Your wife will lose some respect for you. I know this is not a politcally correct statement - but it is true.

I would not say a word to her about it. Trying to go on a D/s fantasy trip with your vanilla wife, or cheating with another, is not worth damaging your marriage for.

There are a lot of things in life one must learn to live without - for you this is one of them.



< Message edited by NakedHouseboyPA -- 4/10/2014 6:45:27 PM >

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RE: bdsm in marriage - 4/11/2014 12:46:08 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NakedHouseboyPA
<snip>
5. Your wife will lose some respect for you. I know this is not a politcally correct statement - but it is true.

I would not say a word to her about it. Trying to go on a D/s fantasy trip with your vanilla wife, or cheating with another, is not worth damaging your marriage for.


This is what I don't understand. Unless you come from a tradition of sex only after marriage, why would you choose a marital partner who is not sexually compatible with you? I can't imagine marrying a man who was strait-laced in bed. If my husband had not been fairly kinky for a vanilla (back when I was vanilla), he wouldn't have lasted as a boyfriend. But marriage? Who willingly marries an incompatible lover, short of getting some girl pregnant and doing the "right thing"? (Which doesn't happen nearly as often as it used to in the olden days.)

Your wife (whose-ever's) will lose respect for you if you start becoming a porn-addicted, lousy, inattentive, unromantic lover. That, and shirking your husbandly obligations, or not carrying your weight in your marriage (whether it's financially, doing your share of the household chores, taking on your parental part with child-rearing, making a genuine effort to make your wife's life better and more stress-free, etc.)

What's wrong with grown men in this day and age? Is there a vanilla wife alive who wouldn't want to be spoiled, pampered, and treated like a Queen? Or is this just about wanting to get YOUR freak on?

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to NakedHouseboyPA)
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 4/11/2014 3:31:08 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		You might be interested in this article:

http://beyond50shades.com/how-to-get-my-husband-to-dominate-me-in-bed-parts-1-3/

It's about husband's dominating wives, but I think it works in reverse as well.

Hope it helps, and welcome to the *other* side of CM.

_____________________________



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RE: bdsm in marriage - 4/11/2014 10:47:30 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Unless you come from a tradition of sex only after marriage, why would you choose a marital partner who is not sexually compatible with you?


People change over time (not just sexually.) My husband was the right man for me at 20, but not at 30. My man now and I lived in the same area when I was 18, but I don't think we would have worked out then.

(in reply to FieryOpal)
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 4/12/2014 5:50:16 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: psub999

I have always had an interest in the bdsm lifestyle but have never acted on it because I have been married for 40 years. Lately I have been exploring the site and my interest has grown but I do not want to cheat on my wife. It has occurred to me that I might be able to persuade my wife to assume a dominant role. What is the best way to approach ths? Should I introduce things gradually or tell her everthong I want up font. I would love to be completely submissively behind closed doors. Thanks

Read this thread. It's one of the best ever produced on this site.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1990013/mpage_1/tm.htm

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to psub999)
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RE: bdsm in marriage - 4/13/2014 7:09:52 PM   
Sexyladydee


Posts: 60
Joined: 9/3/2009
Status: offline 		In my vanilla marriage I could never have brought up this topic to my husband. My last partner was in the "lifestyle" and offered me the opportunity to fully embrace who I truly am. In my current relationship I am slowly introducing my partner and he is leery because of the stereotypes. Take your time. Make things a game and enjoy life.

As was stated before. Don't cheat. Getting some form of what you need in what you already have is better than losing all that is important to you. Good luck.

"In Life you realize that there is a purpose for every person you meet. Some are there to test you, some will use you, some will teach you, and some will bring out the best in you." Unknown

(in reply to psub999)
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