A new Dom seeking answers! (Full Version)

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MrRoboman -> A new Dom seeking answers! (4/10/2014 7:51:03 PM)

I recently decided to pursue the lifestyle of being a Dom/Master after being in an all day conversation with a sub. She helped me understand the lifestyle a little better and helped me out of shell. She gave me some great words of wisdom that will stick with me but now I feel that I should also get advice from a Dom thats been around for awhile. I'm all ears so lay it on me!

Have a good one [sm=mademyday.gif]



MistressDarkArt -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/10/2014 8:05:20 PM)

Welcome, MrRoboman. The subject of WIITWD is as wide as the sky and deep as the ocean. I think folks could help you better if you had specific questions.



DangerousCrves -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/10/2014 8:08:44 PM)

I will be the first to suggest that you invest some time in the local lifestyle for a mentor. Attend a few munches and be open that you're new and looking for a mentor.

You will find a lot of folks will offer. Take your time and get to know them (no different than a regular relationship). Listen, listen, listen. Attend events in your local area (Fetlife will direct you better to these events).

Don't grab the first sub that comes along.

Don't collar anyone..for at least a year!

If your friend is willing ask if she'll consider a few play dates where you can start to become accustomed to being a Dominant.

Books are your friend.

ABC's of BDSM by Dama LaRoche (Amazon) Excellent primer book

above all and this is important...

have fun. :)



Greta75 -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/10/2014 8:23:30 PM)

The art of being dom is how to motivate someone to do what you want willingly and happily.

It is my view that those doms that have to intimidate, scream, and distress and threaten a sub into submitting is just a bully and not a real leader.

So from the beginning, choose what kind of dom you wish to be.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/10/2014 8:43:13 PM)

~FRing it~

OP, it would make things much easier as far as helping goes if you give everyone ideas of what it is you'd like to know about. MDA said it best...it's as high as the sky and as deep as the ocean. Let us know where you'd like to start [:)]



KnightofMists -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/10/2014 11:20:22 PM)

When you fuck up..... How you deal with it is going to give you the depth of the Dom you are and your potential for the future. So... When you fuck up consider carefully how you will deal with it.... There's a lot at stake!



Musicmystery -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/11/2014 11:49:06 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRoboman

I recently decided to pursue the lifestyle of being a Dom/Master after being in an all day conversation with a sub. She helped me understand the lifestyle a little better and helped me out of shell. She gave me some great words of wisdom that will stick with me but now I feel that I should also get advice from a Dom thats been around for awhile. I'm all ears so lay it on me!

Have a good one [sm=mademyday.gif]

Go slow. This takes time to learn well.



TenderTorment -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/11/2014 2:27:00 PM)

Some good stuff already to which I'll add be yourself and be true to yourself. Always.

Unless of course you can be superman, in which case, always be superman ;)




DoYouLikePain -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/11/2014 4:05:56 PM)

42





Ya gotta know the question before you can look for an answer.



angelikaJ -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/11/2014 4:36:06 PM)

Here is a link to a booklist some people have found helpful:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

John Warren's book is there, he has a lifetime of experience.



MrRoboman -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/13/2014 12:34:53 PM)

Ok I know my question was a bit vague but at the time I didn't know what would be the right question to ask. For the past two days I've been jumping around the forums and the internet reading anything that I could. From Wiki's to blogs I was everywhere! [8|] Now after all my research I found something that really peaked my attention and that was M/s relationships. The idea of it has put a smile on my face and I'm eager to learn. I am however gonna take my time on this since well I'm REALLY new to the scene and I have a lot to learn.

I guess my question now would be: Where should I start on learning the most I can on M/s relationships? And if you have any experience dealing with a M/s relationship: What can I look forward too and what should I look out for?



kalikshama -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/13/2014 2:02:03 PM)

Like angelikaJ mentioned, a great place to start is with the nonfiction in the booklist in her link.



poise -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/13/2014 8:56:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRoboman
I guess my question now would be: Where should I start on learning the most I can on M/s relationships?
And if you have any experience dealing with a M/s relationship: What can I look forward too and what should I look out for?

As MistressDarkArt mentioned, you really have to be a little more specific if you are hoping for responses.
Every single relationship, whether its D/s, M/s, Vanilla or pink polka dotted, will have elements
that work extremely well for one couple, but would be horrible for another. If you were to have a situational
question, such as "my slave thinks she would benefit from a punishment dynamic, what are your suggestions",
that opens up a conversation where you are involved, and not just a bystander. (I hope that makes sense?)
Otherwise, I'm lead to believe that you think M/s relationships are all cookie cutter, and you just need to know the right words.

The book suggestion is a good one. Also, try looking up some posts by JeffBC, Kana, and ResidentSadist, to name a few.
They are all in happy and healthy long term M/s relationships.



MistressDarkArt -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/13/2014 9:08:24 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRoboman

<snip>
I guess my question now would be: Where should I start on learning the most I can on M/s relationships? And if you have any experience dealing with a M/s relationship: What can I look forward too and what should I look out for?


Do you want to fast-track your education? If yes, I suggest you head over to FetLife and see what groups/munches/workshops/demonstrations are in your area. Get involved IN PERSON with your local community so you can observe what real people do in real M/s relationships. Reading is a good adjunct, but making friends with kinky folk is your best bet. You will find that at the end of the day, lifestylers are people like any other and you will quickly see why 'one size fits all' will never fit anyone. Actual involvement will help you learn about yourself, where you fit in the lifestyle puzzle, and maybe...just maybe...be the catalyst that springs you into meeting the right partner for you.

Good luck, and enjoy the journey.



DaddySatyr -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/13/2014 9:11:56 PM)

I think my best advice would kind of fly in the face of some I've seen here.

Sure, reading books and going to munches is all well and good for certain goals but, I think the most important goal is for you to define for yourself what being a master means to you.

Agreed, reading books and interacting with others will help you to identify some of these things but, I also think that as human beings, a lot of us have this "need to belong" or, at least to not "stand out".

I believe that the very fact that we're dominant means that we kind of decide for ourselves what are lives will be and what purpose they will serve (within laws and socially accepted behavior in most cases).

I want to reiterate: I am NOT saying that other advice is "wrong". I AM saying that you should be very careful, when indulging in the things that that advice offers, to make sure that you are listening to your own beliefs, wants, and ethics/morals.







Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?






StrongSpirit -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/15/2014 6:43:22 PM)

General advice:

1) What works in real life is NOT what works in fantasy. Be prepared for your fantasies to be disappointing when enacted - and for small, unexpected things to be huge turn ons.

2) Don't ever for one second think that your kind of kink is special or better than anyone else's kink. You don't have the right to tell other people they are 'fake', not real, etc, anymore than straight people have the right to tell you you are jstrange.

3) Respect yourself first.

4) Respect you submissive. Their submission is a gift, not a prize.



MasterAutarch -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/16/2014 2:10:28 AM)

The sub who talked to you all day started you on the right track... communication. No matter what labels you attach to your roll you need to communicate with your partner, much more so than in vanilla life. The exact relationship you develop will be unique to you. You do not need to copy anyone else's relationship or behavior or technique. Just start slow and work up while talking/communicating to find what is right the two of you.

Self control - you may be excited but you must always be in control of what you are doing as a Top. Never hit or punish in anger. If you are angry wait until you cool down, then figure out what to do within the parameters of your relationship / negotiated agreement.

Safety - learn all you can about anatomy, biology and psychology. You can't do it in one sitting or by reading one book. It is an ongoing process but think things out before you do them. A few starters
- This is a mind game. You can really damage someone emotionally. Again, communicate to make sure you know limits and triggers
- Don't hit hard with a hard item like a paddle where bones are near the surface - elbows, knees, spine, head
- Don't hit soft areas over major organ - kidneys or stomach
- Don't slap the face / head hard. It can cause concussions which lead to Parkinson or other brain injury, retinal detachment resulting in blindness, hitting ears can blow ear drums and cause deafness. If you like to slap, brace the bottoms head so it won't move then slap only the soft part of the cheek.
- Always do a double sanity check. And quadruple that if it looks fancy or dangerous.
- The Master has a responsibility to the slave to keep them safe, financially sound, improving themselves, and happy / satisfied.

Finally, as exciting as this is, take your time and don't rush. Start gently and simply, then increase complexity and intensity.

Oh, take everything with a grain of salt and read and ask... both on line and in local groups.



KnightofMists -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/16/2014 2:38:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRoboman



I guess my question now would be: Where should I start on learning the most I can on M/s relationships? And if you have any experience dealing with a M/s relationship: What can I look forward too and what should I look out for?


Start with understanding what the are the fundamental skills for any intimate relationship. Then start to work on developing a high degree of competency in those skills. If you can't do that... Then no point going on to the next step. To do so would be like like buying the house without the land to put it on.






JeffBC -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/16/2014 3:08:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRoboman
From Wiki's to blogs I was everywhere! [8|]

Well actually no. You were sitting on your couch surfing the web. So here's a tip for you. I came to this all from an unusual angle and I still think of Carol and I as vanilla. So I'm perennially the outsider looking in. And what I see when "looking in" is VASTLY different in the online world vs what I see in the real world. For reference, "the real world" is where you can smell people.

I note that difference here on collarme where you actually do have real life people, real life couples, real life whatever trying hard to express their real life experiences. Even then some of the shit I read here I've had to take to our local BDSM community for clarification. Generally the locals look at me with that "Have you gone batshit crazy" look although more recently it's the "You've been reading about BDSM online again." look. So do yourself a favor and actually GO somewhere. Go to a munch. Say "Hi" to some nice couple you meet there. Ask them about their relationship.

Now after all my research I found something that really peaked my attention and that was M/s relationships. The idea of it has put a smile on my face and I'm eager to learn. I am however gonna take my time on this since well I'm REALLY new to the scene and I have a lot to learn.
Well OK, so now at least we're getting somewhere. WHAT did you read and what piqued your curiosity? Given the breadth of relationships that use the label "M/s" you're still going to need to clue us in on what, in specific, you are interested in.

Think about this differently. Let's suppose you came to me and said, "Man, I've been reading about marriage and some things about marriage really made me smile." I'd be asking the same questions. What did you read and what made you smile?



Chwilfrydig -> RE: A new Dom seeking answers! (4/16/2014 4:36:26 PM)

All of the above, and I'll add a few more from a different perspective:

Strive to be the best at whatever job or profession you choose.

Pursue your leisure-time activities with the same passion for improvement and knowledge as you (should) apply to your career.

If at all possible, especially since you are still young, travel outside your city. Backpack through Europe, get a job on a cruise ship, spend a week-end in a large city, or hike the nearest national park. You will have fun, gain confidence, broaden your views and have a lot of interesting stories to share.

This is type of Master/Dom that would attract me - a confident man with a good work ethic who has interests outside of work and fascinating experiences. After all, even a 24/7 Master/Dom has a lot of relationship hours to fill that don't involve kink <grin>.

As an aside, I used to hate baseball. I thought it was boring until I was in a relationship with a man who not only loved it, but took the time to teach me all the intricacies of the sport. His passion and knowledge got me hooked. (Discovering Derek Jeter didn't hurt either, haha.)

Good luck to you - you sound like a mature, thoughtful and polite person. I really don't think you will have many problems in your journey.



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