compatibility questions

compatibility questions (Full Version)

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TrapperKeeper -> compatibility questions (4/11/2014 11:37:03 AM)
Hi all, I have had a few "bedroom sub" relationships, and am now looking to try TPE, but I have no experience in it yet. I'm reading this book http://www.amazon.com/dp/1887895639. There is an interesting question asked in it: ---------- For example, if your slave tells you that he/she is going out on errands to points A, B, and C, [...] How are you going to react if your slave decides to stop in at point D? Do you take that as a good sign of initiative, or do you take it as an inexcusable exercise of free will? Do you expect a phone call from the slave asking whether or not you will allow him/her to add the extra stop, or are you satisfied so long as the slave explains why the extra stop was necessary? ---------- I like this question. It exposes a hole in my assumptions. I never would have thought to ask this myself. But obviously if two people are considering a M/s relationship and they have different answers for this question, there will be a problem. I'd like two kinds of answers to this post, please: Where can I find a good list of questions like this that help determine compatibility? How would you answer this question? I'd like a straw poll of Masters' and slaves' positions on this, just to satisfy my curiousity.

Musicmystery -> RE: compatibility questions (4/11/2014 11:47:31 AM)
1) Slaves are not mind readers. You have to tell her the rules. 2) Ask yourself if you really want to be micromanaging at this level. Personally, I have enough to worry about already. 3) Set your expectations accordingly, and communicate them. My own approach is to keep things practical. But the answer here is up to you. Just make sure what you set in place is sustainable long term.

SeekingTrinity -> RE: compatibility questions (4/11/2014 11:56:55 AM)
~FRing it~ I'm personally not M/s oriented, though Id like to try my hand at answering your question anyway if that's okay. I'm not a master, nor am I a slave. For years, I was a strictly dominant female...but have transitioned more to a switch type of connection 2 years ago when I was blessed with meeting my guy. For me, someone stopping at point D would not be a big deal. I've never been much of a micromanager in my relationships, so it probably wouldn't phase me...unless point D involved stepping outside the agreed upon limits of the dynamic. Let's say point D was stopping off somewhere surprise me with something that they know I love. How could I be mad at them for that? Obviously your dynamic is between you and your intended and I'm sure you two would have spoken about the logistics and ground rules to suit your dynamic. I'm not aware of any one-size-fits-all compatibility lists, though Im sure that out there somewhere on the interwebz...someone probably has one posted. Id think that perhaps maybe writing down what you are looking for in a connection, what sort of M/s dynamic you desire, the qualities you are looking for in a slave, etc would be a far better indicator of compatibility questions you could ask.

FieryOpal -> RE: compatibility questions (4/11/2014 12:31:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TrapperKeeper How are you going to react if your slave decides to stop in at point D? My answer comes in two parts. I don't do M/s but I have D/s relationship dynamics. (I don't consider my sub to be a slave.) I would prefer that my sub inform me about point D, unless it's to stop at the gas station. Text message works fine. I also don't find it necessary to micro-manage or to be asked permission for every little thing. If I can't trust my sub's judgment, then he isn't the right sub for me. If point D throws off a timetable we've agreed upon, then he needs to keep me in the loop. I don't want to hear later from someone else they saw my sub somewhere that would make me question why he hadn't told me earlier. As for "an inexcusable exercise of free will," I believe you are mistaking D/s for mindlessness. I would never discourage my sub from exercising his free will. Everything we do is on a consensual basis. Mandating something else other than that is tyranny and/or bordering on abuse.

asanaambitions -> RE: compatibility questions (4/11/2014 12:45:06 PM)
They wouldn't necessarily determine D/s compatibility, but I have a few "1001 Questions To Ask Before You Get Married" sort of books. They're great because they ask about things you may not always think about until you're thrown into the situation. And it could give you some ideas for D/s based questions that you can tack onto the end.

DoYouLikePain -> RE: compatibility questions (4/11/2014 12:56:21 PM)
Every D/s relationship is unique ... it is what you make of it. Preferably, the sub/slave is interested in the same type of relationship you are. If not ... then somebody is gonna have to adapt ... or ... there will be an essential dishonesty in the relationship w/ the sub/slave cheating on the rules ... or the Dom/me doing more/less than s/he initially preferred. I have no interest in micromanaging when my slave pees, which of 20 pairs of identical socks or panties she'll wear today, etc. I'd reject a sub/slave who needed me to make such decisions for her. She's there to make my life easier, not add more inane tasks to my day. I'm very glad to have an intelligent sub/slave who uses her intellect & initiative to further my goals ... which are agreed upon in advance. When I say "agreed upon", it is that the sub/slave acknowledges s/he understands my goals, wants and will follow. The easiest way to achieve such is to have the sub/slave write the rules of the house ... which can be modeled on some other set of rules ... such as something like the boy scout or girl scout oath ... and modified appropriately ... so this would match what the sub/slave actually wants/needs/expects. Then, the Dom/me reviews what the sub/slave has written ... pointing out areas s/he would want changed ... so it's re-written, till both expect the same things in the relationship. THEN the sub/slave lists appropriate, proportional punishments for breaking these rules. This provides a reasonable reinforcement of actions by the sub/slave. And, if the sub/slave proposes the proportional punishments (and agreed to by the Dom/me) then how could the sub/slave feel inappropriately punished for anything? Any Dom/me who thinks "20 hard lashes every day" is gonna work, is fooling him/herself. Equally ... the same severe punishment for a speck on the dinner plate as for burning down the house is senseless. Ya gotta have proportional rewards & punishments. Which brings up a set of rewards as well. I prefer having a sub/slave act in accord to my wishes on a reliable basis, rather than run up my blood pressure & aggravate my flogger's shoulder 5 times a day. A sub/slave likes to please the Dom/Domme. But, there should also be an outlet to allow play when either wants it ... to avoid inciting a BRAT attitude by the sub just to get attention. Rituals also can be a great part to reinforce the relationship ... I used to have an oriental sub who loved shaving me every morning. I could do it faster, but the ritual was one she enjoyed ... and she never cut my throat w/ that straight razor :-) More specifically to your question ... IF a sub/slave is running errands & thinks of 1 more thing that can be accomplished for the good of my household, takes the initiative, saves some gas & time, then I'd praise her for it. IF she stopped off for 3 hours of bowling or cruising 10 garage sales, she would probably encounter some negative reinforcement when she got home. But any absolute rules are doomed to failure ... you have to be flexible & reasonable. Has she helped or hindered your overall goals & the smoother running of your household. There's nothing wrong w/ her texting or calling me to keep me updated in modifications of plans, to which I could, of course approve or disapprove. But if she's acting in concert w/ my overall household benefit, I'd be for her taking such an initiative. Some subs/slaves do like an arbitrary martinet ... and if that's your style, then you'll have a solid relationship. It's not right or wrong ... it's a matter of whether you match. For myself, I appreciate an intelligent sub/slave who brings their own ideas to the table & uses their ingenuity to make life run smoother. IF she purposely steps out of bounds, then she knows a proportional punishment is coming. IF she's been good, then she is rewarded ... and that could be anything from a nice dinner out ... to a type of play she especially enjoys. My last long-term full-time slave was a dynamic individual ... and ... she had no problem poking her finger into the chest of a Dom who was outta line & backing him across the room at a play party of 150 people. And, in the pecking order, if my slave can beat up your Dom ... I just had to chuckle :-) And any of the top Dom/mes in that city respected my slave as being one of the best slaves they'd ever known ... some said she was the "best female slave in Texas". I've only met one who closely compared to her then or since. Just my $0.02 opinion ... and like armpits & assholes ... not everyone appreciates those of others. But, like one internationally famous Dom who we took into our circle to keep him from becoming dangerous ... and winding up on the 6PM news with police digging up his yard ... it's always good for a beginning Dom/me to find an experienced & respected mentor ... in real life ... not on the boards. Unfortunately, not all "munches" have such people ... and it's easy to become misguided when those you encounter have their own misguided agendas ... not ALL priests act for the good of all kids, ya know? And, it's not as though there is a dearth of extremism in the BdSm community. So ... good luck with that.

Musicmystery -> RE: compatibility questions (4/11/2014 1:24:22 PM)
When my girl was new, she would research D/s M/s out of curiosity, then ask me about what I thought about what she had read. They were good discussions.

InHisHeart -> RE: compatibility questions (4/11/2014 3:25:21 PM)
He does not have a problem with me stopping at point D. If I'm going to be gone longer than I expected, I do call or text to let him know but that's so he doesn't worry, he also calls/texts me when he's going to be later than expected. There are some things I need to ask his permission first, there are many things I don't have to ask his permission. He doesn't make every decision for me and I wouldn't be with someone who expected to make every decision for me. Think about what rules you want in a relationship and see if she's willing to follow those rules.

kalikshama -> RE: compatibility questions (4/11/2014 4:05:44 PM)
When I was in a M/s relationship, it would not have occurred to me to stop at Point D without calling. Disclaimer: we were both self employed and spent a LOT of the time on the phone together while traveling to customers.

DesFIP -> RE: compatibility questions (4/11/2014 7:44:11 PM)
He's not going to punish me for stopping for gas rather than running out on the road. Seriously, the answer to this depends on how much micromanagement you do. The Man won't care if I go into the farm stand for fresh vegetables as well as the grocery store. All he wants is that I will be home at about the same time I said I would. Now, if I decided to go to the movies then he would expect a call. Not because he would object to me seeing a movie, but because I'd be hours late and he would worry. And he would prefer to announce we'll go the movie tomorrow so he can get his popcorn fix! Not all power relationships include punishment. Actually, the longer lasting the relationship is, the less it's used. We've been together over ten years and it was discarded in the first couple of months. As far as compatibility, you figure out if you are by talking about everything under the sun. I was a lot more concerned with his political views and his devotion to his children then I would have been about being allowed to stop at the post office to buy stamps. You will spend more time watching tv together in a m/s relationship than swinging from the chandeliers. Ordinary vanilla things have to be compatible. And they're harder to determine. BDSM is easily determined by reading a profile. Deciding whose mother gets you for Thanksgiving is a lot more important.

RaspberryLemon -> RE: compatibility questions (4/11/2014 11:18:27 PM)
I'd be expected to inform him about me stopping at point D, either by phone call, text, or when I get home (although if stopping at point D would cause me to be back later than expected, I would be expected to inform him at the time of the detour rather than later.) As long as stopping at point D was something reasonable, he would be glad for my initiative. Now, if I wanted to stop at point D for something unnecessary or especially time consuming, I would certainly be expected to ask if I was allowed first.

kalikshama -> RE: compatibility questions (4/12/2014 6:00:39 AM)
quote: BDSM is easily determined by reading a profile. Deciding whose mother gets you for Thanksgiving is a lot more important. Ya, the Easter negotiations here have been going on for weeks.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: compatibility questions (4/12/2014 6:13:05 AM)
Before you decide how much you want to micromanage, I most strongly suggest you have a deep discussion with yourself in terms of intent. By this I mean, what are your intentions for how you will shape and lead the relationship? Are you a benevolent dictator (my own personal style, and Himself's style) or are you a martinet? How much control can you actually handle? Do you have the time and motivation to micromanage your sub's every move, or are you doing this b/c you read in a book that it's what masters do? The road to getting someone inspired to the point they give up control to you is a wonderful one. But far too many forget to think about what they will do once they achieve this goal. So do some serious thinking. BTW: Welcome to the discussion side of CM. I look forward to your further posts, as this is a great question and will make a great thread.

TrapperKeeper -> RE: compatibility questions (4/12/2014 8:20:41 AM)
Thanks for the feedback everyone. Many seem to be assuming that I desire this level of micromanagement. I definitely do not! I very much understand that I have neither time nor motivation for this. I thought the question was interesting because I never would have thought of micromanaging someone to this degree, and it would definitely not be a good relationship if my future slave needs this. I took my own personal answer to it as a given, I never would have even considered bringing this up in interviewing candidates if I hadn't read it.

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