Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (Full Version)

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Lec -> Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/12/2014 6:19:35 PM)

Hello,

I am a submissive guy. I generally have a submissive personality in life. I am more of a follower than leader and I don't mind (too much) if someone else decides what is going to be done.

I find dominant women way more attractive than submissive or vanilla women. But don't get me wrong. By dominant, I don't mean "a stereotypical image of a dominatrix"... It does include dommes, but it also includes women who are very assertive, powerful, independent, successful, even if they are not dommes.

However, I am not a masochist, and also I don't like being humiliated or being treated like I am not an equal to the one I am with. I believe only in relationship between equals and mutual respect.

I am also quite service oriented... I like serving, being really useful in a practical way. I don't have much fetishes or desires to be beaten or mistreated.

However, I am not EXCLUSIVELY service oriented. I would also like my potential domme to really love me and care for me, and sex would also be important. I would like my domme to be my wife, and I would like to have a lot of children with her.

How is this different from vanilla relationship?

It's different because I would be the one who does most of the stuff (work and service), I would also be owned, and She would be the one who makes most of decisions. As my owner, she would also be able to punish me, order me to do things, etc, and she could also use my body for her pleasure in any way she likes (with some reasonable limits). So I wouldn't mind pain, if it brings her pleasure. But it's not something that I would seek.

This is a relationship in which I would love her to be really nice to me so that I feel loved, cared, respected and valued. When this is fulfilled, I would be twice as nice to her, give her even more respect and serve her faithfully and diligently and sometimes suffer pain as well if she wants it. But if I ever felt really mistreated, abused, not respected, I would leave such a relationship very quickly. Actually not so quickly, but eventually I would leave it.

Also, I identify as a submissive not a slave.
My idea is to make her life as good as possible and not to follow all the orders blindly.
I also like my ideas and thoughts to be appreciated. In 90% of the cases I would easily follow her lead.
But I am an opinionated guy. In 10% of the cases, if I am 100% sure that what she wants or does is wrong, I would argue. I am not the one who would let her do something really stupid just because I am a sub. I think I have all the rights to voice my opinion, sometimes insistently, if needed.

I would also try to always protect my domme and make sure she is safe and feels good psychologically as well, and has her needs satisfied.

So, can I find something like that among dommes, and is BDSM for me, or you feel I am too much vanilla for it?

All the opinions or advice appreciated.





SeekingTrinity -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/12/2014 6:59:51 PM)

~FRing it~

The beauty of this way of living is that all things are possible. It's not up to anyone else to decide if BDSM...or D/s...is for you and it sure as hell isn't up to anyone else if you are too vanilla or not. What does matter is how YOU see yourself. What you ask for of a relationship isn't unreasonable because that is what you are looking for. No harm in that at all. It's just a matter of finding a compatible partner who feels similarly.



FieryOpal -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/12/2014 7:30:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lec

I would like my domme to be my wife, and I would like to have a lot of children with her.

How is this different from vanilla relationship?

So, can I find something like that among dommes, and is BDSM for me, or you feel I am too much vanilla for it?


There is such a wide spectrum of D/s relationships, that it basically comes down to partner compatibility. No couple is doing BDSM 24 hours a day, and most of the time you are leading ordinary vanilla lives. You may find a Dominant woman who isn't much into doing a lot of kinky stuff, may not even self-identify as a Domme, and is content with having a partner-lover/SO/husband who accepts her authority. There IS a middle ground and a happy medium that can be reached, and this can shift over time as your relationship develops.

There are lifestyle Dommes who seek the type of female-led relationship you describe as a pair-bonded couple. This isn't much different than any other union, whether you decide to cohabitate, get married and start a family, and want to spend the rest of your lives together. It is a misconception that in old-fashioned marriages, the husband has always been the head of the household. I've seen more marriages where both spouses act as heads of household or have divided up their areas of responsibility, or who manage to work together cooperatively. I have older relatives where clearly the wife is in charge and the husband defers, and throughout history there's a long trail of so-called "hen-pecked" husbands, although this is an unflattering label. As it is written in Ecclesiastes, There is nothing new under the sun.

The fact that you have a clear vision of what you want is an auspicious sign that you will find a suitable match, so best of luck. [:)]



seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/13/2014 6:17:37 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

There is such a wide spectrum of D/s relationships, that it basically comes down to partner compatibility.

No couple is doing BDSM 24 hours a day, and most of the time you are leading ordinary vanilla lives. You may find a Dominant woman who isn't much into doing a lot of kinky stuff, may not even self-identify as a Domme, and is content with having a partner-lover/SO/husband who accepts her authority. There IS a middle ground and a happy medium that can be reached, and this can shift over time as your relationship develops.

There are lifestyle Dommes who seek the type of female-led relationship you describe as a pair-bonded couple. This isn't much different than any other union, whether you decide to cohabitate, get married and start a family, and want to spend the rest of your lives together.

It is a misconception that in old-fashioned marriages, the husband has always been the head of the household.

I've seen more marriages where both spouses act as heads of household or have divided up their areas of responsibility, or who manage to work together cooperatively. I have older relatives where clearly the wife is in charge and the husband defers, and throughout history there's a long trail of so-called "hen-pecked" husbands, although this is an unflattering label. As it is written in Ecclesiastes, There is nothing new under the sun.

The fact that you have a clear vision of what you want is an auspicious sign that you will find a suitable match, so best of luck. [:)]


Hi Lec ..... great questions, as it seems to me you are trying to find your way through what I call "the maize". [:)]

So I will share, Fiery Opal is correct!

For starters, ask married, vanilla men, how they relate with their wife. When I was in the "maize", and did that, I discovered "successfully long term" men usually said, their wife.

My conclusion was,if I am going to be submissive or subservient to a Lady anyway; it might as well be a Lady with .... well ... with sexual instincts that are 180 degree's from me. Meaning a loving Lady who enjoys sadism ... while I, Her loving man enjoys masochism and serving Her.

You see, no two relationships are identical. You have to work to discover both with: "who you will be in a relationship with"; as well as the roles that work for You both, individually ...

And BTW ... nothing wrong with becoming a "hen pecked husband"! LOL Most are, they just don't admit it; instead, they make jokes about others ....






ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/13/2014 7:38:00 AM)

Hello Lec. Welcome to the discussion forums, and may I say a wonderful and insightful first time post.

There are many people looking for a D/s relationship that are not interested in sadomasochism. There are plenty who don't believe in male OR female superiority. And there are plenty looking for a serious ltr that could lead to marriage and raising a family. I don't think your expectations will be hard to find at all.

Most especially b/c you have some wonderful traits going for you right off the bat. You appear to treat females as persons first, dommes second, and you are extremely articulate about what you want.

I took a quick peak at your profile and it says you are in Serbia. This confuses me as your command of English is at such a high level, very few manage that level of expertise in a language that is not their primary one.

I have no idea if you are using that location for anonymity or if you're actually from Serbia. If you are from there, I admit to being ignorant about what the kink scene is like there for a young man such as yourself. Perhaps you could enlighten us?






Lec -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/13/2014 10:59:02 AM)

Hello again and thanks for your replies.

ChatteParfaitt, I'm a Serb from Bosnia, but I identify with Serbia. Thanks for complimenting my English. I started learning it when I was 10, and I spent a lot of time on various English forums and websites, which also improved my English a lot. When it comes to describing things related to BDSM I find it easier to use English than Serbian, because there aren't as many terms for it in Serbian, and when you translate some things it sounds even kinkier! ;)

When it comes to the scene in Balkan countries, Bosnia, Serbia, etc... It's very much underground and very small. There might be things that I haven't discovered still. Especially online scene is undeveloped.

I am definitely not a masochist. Not a physical masochist nor emotional masochist. But, I can't really tell you if I would like some things or not because I haven't tried them still. I do find the concept of subspace very attractive though, and I know that pain is generally required to reach it. So... I have a plenty of time to learn. I also like the concept of surrender and being owned. Maybe it's more psychological for me. Who knows. :)

I have also noticed quite a lot of marriages in which the woman is a more dominant partner. It's quite normal I'd say. The only problem is that in the real life it's hard to know if she will be dominant. Some very assertive women are actually submissive in a relationship and vice versa.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/13/2014 11:11:52 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lec
When it comes to describing things related to BDSM I find it easier to use English than Serbian, because there aren't as many terms for it in Serbian, and when you translate some things it sounds even kinkier! ;)



I've often wondered about how kink and BDSM terms work in other languages. It seems in English we have hundreds of terms to cover every shade of variation when it comes to sexuality and kink, and yet we still spend a lot of time arguing over semantics and confusing each other.

Your English is superb, I admire people who are competent in more than one language.

As for your first post, yes I think there is a place for you in this lifestyle. You sound sensible and thoughtful and being able to communicate exactly what you need from a relationship will serve you well.



MistressDarkArt -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/13/2014 11:39:40 AM)

Welcome, Lec. Add me to the list of folks who think your English is superb. If only so many native-English speakers would do as well!

Of course there is a place for you in this lifestyle. You have a clear and very reasonable idea of what you'd like to find, and have quite a lot to offer a partner. I can't address the cultural aspects, but have no doubt a compatible person will be happy to have you in her life. At their core, D/s relationships are no different than vanilla.

Best of luck in your search. Glad to have you join us here!



altialt -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/13/2014 12:45:48 PM)

You raise many interesting points. One is that I think many men are attracted to assertive women, especially if your mother is or was one - that is of course a Freudian interpretation, but I see it to be true in many situations, and nothing a wrong with that. You ask how can you know if she is as selfconfident and dominant as she seems. You cant really know someone unless you spend time with them, and the both of you know yourselfes and how the courage the be honest about yourselfs. (My opinion). I think in many aspects of life you receive what you send out. So if you know what you want and who you are, you might find what you are looking for, or she might find you. You certainly made an impression in this crowd:) I think it is funny the way most relationships I know works. It really is the wife controlling the strings behind the curtain, but maybe not in bed, where I find many women wish the male would take the lead. So in my opinion I actually think it is difficult finding a relationship that you describe. As a sidenote was it not Sokrates wife Xantippe, the Blonde Mare, who pulled the strings in their relationship?



Lec -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/13/2014 2:00:03 PM)

I do believe that what we send out, we usually receive. Not because I believe in law of attraction or something like that, but simply because when we adopt a certain attitude we behave in a way that attracts certain outcomes.

Now, my mother is quite self confident woman. She has some dominant aspects in her character and she is quite stubborn. But in her relationships with men, she was generally a more submissive partner.

Not sure why you think that such type of relationship is hard to find? Do you think that women who are both sexually dominant and dominant in character are rare?
Or that those who are indeed dominant in both ways are too dominant for me (like too much in S/M etc)?



Sexyladydee -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/13/2014 6:48:24 PM)

I have always been a dominant woman in all aspects. When I was younger jokes were made about my testosterone levels were too high. In my vanilla marriage I pretended to be less dominant. Of course that didn't work. But I was being brain washed to believe that I had to follow my faith's version of what a "prodigal" woman was. So to answer you, yes you can find a woman who is both. But it will not be easy. Because in order to fit in the vanilla world many of us provide the world with a false persona.

I realized by 40 that living my authentic life was my only road to happiness. By 50 I no longer cared about what others thought of who I am. So yes she's out there. You seem to be very clear about what you need. Once you let her know, the two of you should be able to find your bliss. I am still hopeful I will also one day find mine. Good luck.



AAkasha -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/14/2014 1:55:50 PM)


Hi Lec,

I know a lot of dominant, assertive women that are leaders in their relationships and their husbands are "hen pecked" or "pussy whipped" (jokingly) according to their peers. But the women run the show.

But my guess is there is 0 kink in this relationship. This is where the lines get blurred. They are assertive in that they may say, "We aren't having sex tonight," or "We're having sex but I want you to seduce me and be super aggressive," or they may have no interest in sex period - their call. If there are expectations that sensually things should have some structure of dominance/submission, they could very easily assert their "dominant" personality by saying, "that's bullshit and I don't want to deal with that. Sorry."

You will have no problem, I think, finding a woman that doesn't want a wet noodle/limp and weak, unassertive man with no opinion -- the idea of the "worthless worm" is mostly a male fantasy.

The line that concerns me most in what you wrote is this:

"When this is fulfilled, I would be twice as nice to her, give her even more respect and serve her faithfully and diligently"

Relationships cannot be successful with this kind of tit-for-tat attitude. You should be prepared to be nice all the time, and respect her all the time, not JUST when she is fulfilling your fantasy.

Akasha



FieryOpal -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/14/2014 4:14:28 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
<snip>
The line that concerns me most in what you wrote is this:

"When this is fulfilled, I would be twice as nice to her, give her even more respect and serve her faithfully and diligently"

Relationships cannot be successful with this kind of tit-for-tat attitude. You should be prepared to be nice all the time, and respect her all the time, not JUST when she is fulfilling your fantasy.

Good for you AAkasha, for catching that conditional statement, which I had overlooked.
Funny how so many submissive men want things scripted to their specifications.

If you want a Dominant woman, be prepared to follow her script according to her specifications.

To do less than that is not an act of submission. It would signify that one's submissive posturing is a masquerade and that one is playing games.
You can play games, but they have to be the ones she deigns to play, following her rules, and ceding to her authority.
Otherwise, you don't really want a Dominant woman and you're just fooling yourself.



Lec -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/15/2014 1:01:44 AM)

Hm... maybe you're right. I do have a condition. My only condition is to be respected and treated fair.
I don't expect her to fulfill my fantasies or to give me any special services. Nothing of that stuff.
She can define rules in any way she wants. But if she shows total disrespect or disregard of me, and if she routinely treats me in an unfair or bad way... I don't want to serve such a domme. This condition only means that everyone has to be happy in a relationship. If not, it has to end. People can part they ways in nice and civilized way.
If you want to keep me as your sub, show some respect and love. Why would I serve someone who doesn't love me or respect me?
It's not an one-way street. And it's not all about D person.



FieryOpal -> RE: Submissive, but... (is there something for me in this lifestyle) (4/15/2014 1:59:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lec

It's not an one-way street.

This is true about any relationship, including your friendships, your associations, your business dealings. The Law of Reciprocity prevails.

It's up to you to choose the right match for you, who shares your same values and beliefs, the same as in any other intimate relationship.

I believe that the spirit of what you intended to convey shows that your heart is in the right place.



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