How to deal with spontaneous vanilla friends?

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How to deal with spontaneous vanilla friends? - 4/14/2014 10:04:16 AM

sandyTheSub

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Hello Everyone.

I have a question.
I have a Master who wants me to ask him before I deviate from my daily routine. Now I have a "kind of friend" at the university that I go to who is very spontaneous. She often asks me to go for some coffee after class or simple stuff like that. I don't feel comfortable telling her about my lifestyle, so I just decline her invitations.

How do you deal with these kind of situations? Are there some good "white lies" to tell her why I can only answer after about an hour or so? Should I rather say yes to her and just cancel if I get denied permission later? But what do I say then?

I sometimes get permission in advance, so this works out in this specific case (because I know on which days we have classes together) - but how to deal with something like this in general?

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RE: How to deal with spontaneous vanilla friends? - 4/14/2014 10:55:09 AM

pretzelLove

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You could try telling the person asking that you have tentative plans for later, and then text your master to find out if you are allowed to go.

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RE: How to deal with spontaneous vanilla friends? - 4/14/2014 11:24:42 AM

DesFIP

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If it's coffee after class or having lunch with her at your usual lunch hour, then ask him for blanket permission. "Hey, you know I've got a 45 minute block open mid-morning and I frequently get coffee with Sally then. Is that okay if I keep doing that?".

Now if she asks you to meet her at the bar at 10:00 PM, that's when you say "I'm not sure, I might have plans. I'll have to get back to you".

But someone turning to you and saying "since we both have this lunch period off, lets grab a sandwich and study together" should be something you discuss with him ahead of time so you don't get put in the bind of losing friends, or having to make her uncomfortable by saying "I can't do that without Master's approval". And if he wants you to lose your support system then I would strongly rethink having a relationship with him.

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RE: How to deal with spontaneous vanilla friends? - 4/14/2014 11:27:12 AM

DaddySatyr

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Or, you could do what people have been doing since telephones came into common usage and say: "Let me check with my other half to make sure he/she doesn't have something planned."

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

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RE: How to deal with spontaneous vanilla friends? - 4/14/2014 11:34:30 AM

DesFIP

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But that doesn't work if her other half doesn't attend the same school. Because how could he have planned anything when he isn't going to see her for two days? Not having looked at her profile, I don't know if they're in the same town, or if they've even met.

Usually it's simply easier not to leave people hanging. That you never have permission unless he grants it or you always have it unless he says no. But you need something to cover what to do when he doesn't respond and your friend is waiting for you at the coffee shop.

Or you always have permission to do stuff with other girls during the school day but not with guys unless they are in a relationship and their girlfriend is there.

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RE: How to deal with spontaneous vanilla friends? - 4/14/2014 11:44:08 AM

sandyTheSub

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Thank you for your answers so far.
I do live with my Master, but he works during the day and sometimes can't answer his phone. So I usually text him and he answers normally within an hour (depending on how busy he is at work).

The problem with "check back with my bf" is, that my friends know that he is working, which means I can't have a date set with him in the early afternoon.

This is also more a theoretical question than a real problem that I have. As I said I already worked out something for this special friend of mine. But in general I think this is a tricky topic.

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RE: How to deal with spontaneous vanilla friends? - 4/14/2014 12:42:34 PM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sandyTheSub
But in general I think this is a tricky topic.

Nah. You schedule your day with priorities, like any professional person. "Want to grab coffee?" "I'd love to, but I promised myself I'd study for the next two hours. How about we see each other on day/time?" (Or, instead of "study," insert whatever you promised your master you'd be doing during that time.)

This is only a problem for people who aren't trying to get somewhere in life. Anyone focused and goal-oriented understands that you have a schedule of objectives to accomplish.

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RE: How to deal with spontaneous vanilla friends? - 4/14/2014 1:05:10 PM

kdsub

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With your frame of mind address the situation with your Dom... that is why you are with him...right?. But i must say any Dom that would prohibit you from leading a normal existence... interacting with those in your life then it may be a time to look for another.

Finally... are you ashamed of your lifestyle? You have a decision to make if your Dom ok's the occasional after work coffee... Do you lie about your lifestyle or state it plainly and be prepared to answer questions. Or state you lifestyle if it comes up and tell your friend you are not comfortable talking about it.

Butch

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RE: How to deal with spontaneous vanilla friends? - 4/14/2014 1:48:41 PM

DesFIP

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So you need to figure out ahead of time what you can and can't do. Which may mean saying okay on Tuesday and Thursday but on Friday saying "Sorry, I'm running errands now so I don't have to do them later".

You need to talk to him about having to wait a couple hours isn't working for you and that changes need to be made so your life isn't being made unnecessarily difficult. What do you tell a professor when you ask for an appointment and he says he has time right away to discuss your final paper? You going to tell him you have to wait for your master to decide?

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RE: How to deal with spontaneous vanilla friends? - 4/14/2014 2:32:00 PM

sandyTheSub

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Thank you so much for the few good answers.

RedMagic1, your answer might be the one for me.

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RE: How to deal with spontaneous vanilla friends? - 4/14/2014 2:47:24 PM

orgasmdenial12

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I personally don't allow a dominant to control play that involves non-consenting third parties - and, to me, friends and family are non-consenting third parties, who have a right to enjoy a vanilla friendship or familial relationship with me, without my kink intruding on our time or relationship.

However, if you are determined to allow him to control this aspect, then a simple way can be to book things in advance, so on the morning before you may see her, you can ask 'if so and so wants to go for coffee, is that okay?' or 'the next time she asks, is that okay?' so that you have prior permission to say yes. Then you can simply tell your Dominant that you are going for coffee, as per the permission he gave you previously.

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