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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Beautiful subbies! I Beseech thee! (4/15/2014 12:59:34 AM)
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Cutesy or not, a lot of people strongly dislike that word. Just a tip for the future - it's a diminutive term and a lot of people will be offended if you use that when you're not in a relationship with them. Not chewing you out - express yourself however you want, just be aware that it will get people's backs up.
Traits subs look for - forget about dom and sub. What traits do you admire in people you know? Those are the traits that make a good dom too. Being a great dominant is just being a great person, with the addition of the desire to take control. So reliability, honesty, integrity, sense of humour, in control of his temper, interesting, good communication skills ... the list goes on and on. Add to that a handful of personal preferences - spontaneous vs a planner, party guy vs quiet-night-in guy, conservative vs liberal etc etc. But if you are an all round good person, people will be interested.
Primal space - no idea, sorry.
Getting to know someone - just let it happen naturally. Talk about music and travel and books and food. Ask about their childhood, their hopes for the future, their career. Listen to what they say, and listen to how they say it. Watch how they really behave. If you are attentive it will quickly become apparent whether they cultivate drama in their personal relationships, whether they value being reliable, whether they are insecure, whether they tend to tell tall tales or whether they are disorganised to the point of being unreliable. This stuff is 90% of what makes a compatible relationship.
If and when you both feel interested in getting into a dynamic, it's time to sit down and have the serious talk. I would suggest asking some of these questions:
- How much control do you think you want to give up? Bedroom only? Control of your diet, your job, your social life, your money? Micromanaging every time you go to the bathroom?
- Are you willing to ease into it gradually? Are you flexible about what you want?
- What types of play are you interested in? Do you have experience? How can we make it as safe as possible?
- What types of birth control should we use? Have you had a recent STD test? What would we do if there was an unplanned pregnancy? (actually this is something every single straight couple should be asking themselves, IMO)
- Are you interested in a punishment dynamic? How do you think that would work?
- Do you have any health problems or past issues I need to be aware of for play?
- What do you need to make you feel loved and secure? Regular date nights? Sofa cuddles? A clear set of rules? Spontaneous romantic gestures? - this seems trivial but I've known a lot of people get hung up on these sorts of things, because neither are showing love in the way the other understands.
There is more, but perhaps more important than any question is that you both go into it knowing things might change and being willing to discuss and compromise. If you are both capable of talking like adults about feelings and needs and you are both committed to making things work, your odds of success are excellent.
As for social skills, the only way to learn is to practice. If you are just a bit new and rusty, just get out there and learn. You will get used to watching cues and learn what doesn't go down so well. If you are totally socially awkward, enlist a friend who can conduct a post mortem with you - someone who will tell you honestly 'hey, you came off a bit creepy when you said X' and 'did you see when she started doing Y? That's because you had been talking about your dog for twenty minutes and she was bored'.
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