Whom would you prefer?

Whom would you prefer? (Full Version)

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Lec -> Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 3:13:26 AM)
If you had to choose between two subs: A: Successful, accomplished guy, a great leader, confident, alpha, submissive to you, but not too submissive. Maybe not submissive enough. But still treats you very nicely and respects you. B: Super submissive and vulnerable guy, open to you completely. Trusts you 100% and respects you 110%. Tolerates everything, follows you in everything. But not very accomplished in life, lacks some self-confidence, etc. Not an alpha at all. Whom would you choose to own?

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 4:07:26 AM)
Is there an ulterior motive behind this question?? And why only 2 options to choose from? Where are all the others?

Lec -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 5:45:36 AM)
I want to know what dommes really want, and how high the submission itself is on the list of desired qualities. (versus other desirable qualities) Also, I want to know how to behave in order to be attractive to dominant women.

MissImmortalPain -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 5:54:16 AM)
The answer to your question will vary, domme to domme. I can tell you though that for the greater part what a domme will be looking for is someone she gets along with. Nothing in your first question spoke about things the lady might like. I don't really care so much about the manner of submission so much as I would care about...does the boy like horror movies? I am an avid fan. Does the sub know anything about Art ? It is my field of study. Would I find this person interesting to be around? I am hoping you have gotten my point by now.

Lec -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 6:34:44 AM)
OK, I get your point, and agree with you. For me it's also extremely important that there are some common interests, and that person is generally interesting. The point is... that this whole D/s and BDSM thing sometimes seem silly to me. Like role playing. After all it's just a subculture. 100 years ago it didn't exist. There were dominant and submissive people still. But probably their interactions were more natural and authentic, they were complementing each other, but without all the rituals, titles, and other modern BDSM terminology. Or maybe it was too taboo. But I believe that some people still practiced it. For example... of course, I like power exchange, feeling helpless and surrender. But constant D/s dynamics is just a burden to me. I don't like feeling inferior, or being in an unequal position. I do love to serve. But I believe also that real love and mutual understanding is possible only among equals. Everything else seems like fetish or fantasy.

Ladytisha -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 6:45:07 AM)
I don't care if the sub is accomplished or needs a confidence boost what matters most is the chemistry. Can he hold a conversation about any number of things. Is he needy, what are the interest outside the bedroom.

SweetAnise -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 7:38:04 AM)
To the OP: I think it will depend on the domme. Everyone has a different preference. Your two choices are probably 2 out of many. Try a poll? [:)]

angelikaJ -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 7:59:40 AM)
My $0.02: Be yourself and find someone you are compatible with. Trying to figure out what role might be attractive to a random stranger is not going to lead to successful relationships.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 8:27:17 AM)
[sm=goodpost.gif]

AAkasha -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 9:34:27 AM)
As others have pointed out, you will connect with someone based on chemistry first and then establish the dynamic and balance that both people want. It does not happen instantly. But with that said "chemistry" and honest desire to make it work because of mutual attraction, you will communicate, compromise, adjust, etc. until the relationship balance is good for both people. My personal recommendation is that you court dominant women as a confident and assertive man, not putting on any show of being deferential to women, "submissive to the gender," or overly polite. The 'lathering on' of submissiveness runs so rampant -- it's as if subs/bottoms got good at not being "fetish first!" when approaching dominant women (online and in real life) but they still put on the meek, overly-attentive show thinking that dominant women get instantly attracted to men who are already kissing ass or 'surrendering' before any chemistry is established at all. A man can be charming, polite, attentive without being a doormat. Protect your "surrender" as if it is something you are not willing to give up until you meet the right woman. That's far more exciting than giving off the vibe that you're shopping around your inner slut and seeing who will take it. For most women it all comes down to mutual attraction. Personally, I don't get the "urge" to dominate a man until I am attracted to him on some level, and I don't usually get attracted to men who are already "posturing" as submissive as hard as they can. Akasha

Lec -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 9:49:53 AM)
Thanks AAkasha. I like what you said. Makes a lot of sense to me. I also always imagined that to be the case-- most women are attracted to confident men, not to doormats, regardless of their D/s preference.

AAkasha -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 10:55:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lec Thanks AAkasha. I like what you said. Makes a lot of sense to me. I also always imagined that to be the case-- most women are attracted to confident men, not to doormats, regardless of their D/s preference. A few years ago I started a thread on FL that was essentially, "Why don't sub men cherish/protect their surrender like women ("traditionally") cherish/protect their virginity"? The point of the discussion was to try to understand why men don't make their submission more valuable by not shopping it around so intensely and also offering it up at the drop of a hat -- and to realize that by not being overly eager, it makes it more compelling and mysterious. I was trying very hard to not get into the debate of "whether or not women cherish their virginity" (because of course it is not universal - but just grabbing onto a very loose example for comparison. Sadly the thread did devolve into debates about whether or not virginity should be cherished and protected. Maybe I will try that thread topic here on CM. I bet it devolves even faster with people picking apart the semantics and premise rather than the point of: Sub men might do better if they weren't so "easy." Akasha

rokkman7456 -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 11:44:31 AM)
Like has been said it depends on the people involved. I would say I am a combination of both. My Domme wants me tor treat her like a lady but she knows I am not a doormat either. Most of our time is spent non kink related. But when it comes time I will do whatever she asks and take whatever she gives and cherish it. When out in public for the most part we are a typical couple, you would be hard pressed to guess that this person has just whipped me senseless.

altialt -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 1:56:43 PM)
So what is the advice given (whole thread)? Be your self or act assertive? Can you act and convince a potential partner in the long run, or just fake it til you make it? ? I think most people "act" their way through lots of things, including courtship towards women, and womens courtship towards men. This is not bad at all, you would not sell your house by stating what is wrong with it, but their are at least always to sides to everything. But as the relationships contionues I think the relationship has to be based on some equality in some aspects of the relationship. You have to be able to challenge eachother, Active vs active. Why are sub men so easy...Interesting - I guess it boils down to the fact that they are very horny:) Or is it just me:)

SeekingTrinity -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 2:05:36 PM)
~FRing it~ I think the question you have to ask yourself is are you either of these...or neither? Id seriously caution against trying to be something just because you think it's going to attract attention. ESPECIALLY if you are trying to be something you aren't. That isn't genuine...it's just a role being acted. Be who you are. It's fair to you, it's fair to her, and I think it's the best way to increase the odds of a successful match. I personally can't stand doormats and spineless individuals. It's a most unattractive trait

FieryOpal -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 5:26:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lec If you had to choose between two subs: A: Successful, accomplished guy, a great leader, confident, alpha, submissive to you, but not too submissive. Maybe not submissive enough. But still treats you very nicely and respects you. B: Super submissive and vulnerable guy, open to you completely. Trusts you 100% and respects you 110%. Tolerates everything, follows you in everything. But not very accomplished in life, lacks some self-confidence, etc. Not an alpha at all. Whom would you choose to own? Neither, and I'll tell you why. sub A is probably not a true submissive. In fact, most men who claim to be Alphas...aren't. I don't want to be banging heads with my partner or feel as though we're constantly in a power struggle about anything. This would make us incompatible. sub B is an under-achiever. Not the makings for a good sub because he lacks initiative and more than likely will lack follow-through. This might not be applicable, but obsequiousness is not an attractive quality. Neither sub A nor sub B have character development in terms of maturity. sub A because he is too goal-oriented. Life, love, and relationships are a process. He wouldn't know how to enjoy the journey or life's simple pleasures. This is the type of man where a woman reaching orgasm is more important to his ego than her satisfaction is. sub B because he isn't goal-oriented enough and needs enabled in a co-dependent relationship. He will have unrealistic expectations of his Mistress to compensate for his own inadequacies. My choice would be C or D, as yet undefined within the purview of this discussion.

asanaambitions -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 7:12:26 PM)
If held at gunpoint I'd choose A, because general compatibility is more important to me than having the slaviest slave who ever slaved. But I'm in agreement with FireyOpal, neither option is entirely appealing for the reasons she pointed out. I'm also very much in agreement with thinking that submissive men shouldn't give it up so easy. It's something I've lamented over in my own personal life numerous times, because there's genuinely nothing that turns me off faster than a man who behaves as though any warm female figure is fine, so long as she's catering to his fantasies. And I think the whole "we're just too horny" thing is a cop out. The vast majority of male subs want to be teased and denied or constantly horny for their Mistress/Domme. So by that logic, the hornier a man gets the less discriminatory he gets and that means indulging in some of my favourite play would be a disaster waiting to happen. I guess a lot of guys think that acting like a horny dog creates an urge within a Domme to slap a collar and leash on him and give him some serious training...but then I guess we've proved over the millenia that men really don't have a clue as to how women think.

StrongSpirit -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/15/2014 7:27:02 PM)
I would ignore the advice of anyone that talks about 'true submissive'. They have a set idea of what dominance and submission is supposed to be, and they have no right to tell other people how to have sex. When they tell people that their sensuality is wrong they are doing is exactly the same thing as some straight guy saying homosexuality is wrong. Everyone has the right to whatever kind of sex they like - and no arrogant person has the right to say someone is or is not 'true'. But then again, I would also ignore the advice of anyone that said A or B is better. What is true is that different people want different things. Worse, a lot of people have no idea what they want. There is no way to tell what 'most' people want, A or B. Finally, let's assume that there was a way to tell what most people wanted - A or B. What if 50% of people want A - but by sheer chance, their average income was 25k a year, their average IQ was 85, and they were all average weight for America (i.e. on the heavy size). Another 30% don't know what they want. The final 20% prefer B - but they all hapen to average 80k a year, with IQ of 120, and are fitness addicts that look like the average person on TV, rather than the average American. My point is that it doesn't really matter what the average person wants - it matters what the person that you want wants. And that you can never know. Best to just be the kind of person you want to be and look for someone that 1) you like and 2) likes who you want to be and most importantly, 3) has faults you can stand.

FieryOpal -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/16/2014 2:21:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit I would ignore the advice of anyone that talks about 'true submissive'. They have a set idea of what dominance and submission is supposed to be, and they have no right to tell other people how to have sex. When they tell people that their sensuality is wrong they are doing is exactly the same thing as some straight guy saying homosexuality is wrong. Everyone has the right to whatever kind of sex they like - and no arrogant person has the right to say someone is or is not 'true'. But then again, I would also ignore the advice of anyone that said A or B is better. <snip> My point is that it doesn't really matter what the average person wants - it matters what the person that you want wants. And that you can never know. Best to just be the kind of person you want to be and look for someone that 1) you like and 2) likes who you want to be and most importantly, 3) has faults you can stand. There is no way to determine whether someone is a "true submissive" or a "true Dominant," because this is a subjective measuring stick. I do have a set idea of what kind of submissive would be right for me. As I've indicated, I would never consider EITHER "sub" A or "sub" B because neither one of them would be true for me. No doubt I would not be a true Mistress in their eyes to them, which is fine by me. Or rather, I should say by "sub" B, because it is obvious to me that "sub" A wouldn't be seeking a Mistress. Your last point about tolerating faults can make or break any relationship, for not a single one of us is bereft of them.

DesFIP -> RE: Whom would you prefer? (4/19/2014 2:25:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lec For example... of course, I like power exchange, feeling helpless and surrender. But constant D/s dynamics is just a burden to me. I don't like feeling inferior, or being in an unequal position. I do love to serve. But I believe also that real love and mutual understanding is possible only among equals. Everything else seems like fetish or fantasy. Is a nurse as important to the success of an operation as a surgeon? If so, then aren't they equal in value? But the nurse doesn't tell the doctor what to do. So she/he is unequal in authority. That's the thing. I don't want to have to be the desk where the passed buck stops. I don't want to have all that responsibility. I'm equal in value to the relationship but not equal in authority. As far as you believing two people can't love each other if one has more authority than the other, what that says is that you only like bedroom d/s. Which is fine. But I'd be miserable in such a relationship because I find making constant decisions to be a huge energy drain. Being with someone who far prefers to be the decision maker is what makes me feel loved. He's taking this enormous burden off me because he loves me. You are also assuming that not having the right to make the decision also means your input is unwanted. And here, that's not so.

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