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Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 4/20/2014 3:49:14 AM   
Otakusubmissive


Posts: 6
Joined: 4/7/2014
Status: offline 		A bit of an embarrassing one for me, but as everyone has been so helpful with my other questions and queries, I thought it was worth a shot.

I'm in my early to mid 20's, female, submissive and I have no problems, well, cuming, when I'm alone. Sure, I use a vibrator of some kind 9/10 times. But when it comes to self-gratification? I have no real problems. I find reading erotica turns me on more than watching porn, though both are enjoyable, and I don't need to do either, per say, to get in the mood.

When I am with a partner though? Switch, Dom or vanilla - I just...can't. Sure, it feels good - external or internal stimulation, but it rarely feels more than pleasant, and if it's taking too long partners often seem to get bored or self-conscious or - wost of all, assume the few pleasured sounds I am making are me cuming (which they most certainly are not).

Even using the same toys I do, it's like I've got some kind of block when it comes to letting go when someone else is trying to bring me pleasure. I just don't know why.

Has anyone else experienced similar problems? How have you managed to get over or past these?

I just...I just don't get it. I've had the same thing with Dominants and switches I've played with multiple times and trust on a basic to more advanced levels, I've had it with vanilla partners. I've been able to cum in the past with Dominant and switch partners. I don't know why it's different now.

Any help would be appreciated.
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RE: Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 4/20/2014 4:16:25 AM   
orgasmdenial12


Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline 		Well, you know you can orgasm, so that's a great start.

The difficulty seems to be that either their technique is not all that, or the act of letting go is complex for you.

One way I might suggest is for you to hold the vibrator and masturbate in front of them - either while they watch, or as they masturbate (if that makes it seem more fun and takes the pressure off you) and just keep going until you have actually orgasmed in front of someone. I guarantee they will find the sight and sound of you orgasming to be a turn on, and they will want to recreate it and, at the very least, you will have a way that you can achieve release with a person, albeit at your own hands, or possibly at the end of them pleasuring you.

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RE: Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 4/20/2014 4:47:59 AM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline 		At times I couldn't get off, I found it was because my mind wasn't fully focused on what was going on between us. Somewhere in the back of my mind there were other things going on, stressed out about something or haven't had time to relax and unwind from a busy day. I also found if I focus on having orgasms or feel pressured to have them, if I try to make them happen, chances are it's not happening. I clear my mind of everything else, let my mind and body come together to enjoy what's going on, I don't think about having orgasms and just let them to happen. Worried about whether or not you'll orgasm can be an orgasm killer in itself.

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RE: Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 4/20/2014 10:53:34 AM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		I have this same problem. I can orgasm fine on my own but not with a partner. I believe I am focusing too much on performance rather than going with the flow. I also have a bit of body conscience. I know that adds to it.

Clear your mind and relax and don't be like me and worry about this stuff. It will come out just fine. good luck

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I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

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RE: Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 4/20/2014 3:05:40 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I am in my early 50s and for a long time having orgasms with a partner was also extremely difficult for me.

My suggestions may or may not work for you.

Use vibrators less and fingers more.
Use porn and erotica less.
My reason for the first suggestion is that it is very hard for a man to compete with the stimulation from a vibrator.
My reason for the second is that experiencing fully embodied pleasure will probably yield in better results with a partner.

Finally, whether you are pleasuring yourself or a partner is pleasuring you, don't make orgasm your goal.
It doesn't have to be.

If you make pleasure the goal instead of outcome, it will take the pressure off you (or him/her) to perform and let you focus on the connection between pleasure and your body.
I have had many instances in which the pleasure feels as good, if not better than the orgasm.
If the goal is pleasure, then no matter what happens you will have a good time (as long as you are able to communicate what feels good to you).

For me, there is a lot of vulnerability in having an orgasm with a partner.
And feeling comfortable enough to leap into that soaring abyss, takes deep trust and can not happen with any sort of causal partner.
Surrender is hard for me, but with [my] Master it is rare now when I don't cum.



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(in reply to Otakusubmissive)
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RE: Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 4/22/2014 5:08:03 AM   
Otakusubmissive


Posts: 6
Joined: 4/7/2014
Status: offline 		Thank you so much for the advise; I will certainly try that. I think it may be a mixture of too much reliance on vibrators, and having casual partners rather than constant to actually build that level of trust/intimacy with. Thank you again :) I really appreciate it.

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RE: Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 4/22/2014 10:05:35 AM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		I'm male but I have that problem. I went to a sex counsellor as I could go for hours and not come. Girls loves it but it made them upset at the end.

What the sex counsellor told me was to focus on the sex as weird as that sounds.
She said think of how good penetration feels. Feels how good the forplay is. Listen to your partners breathing and moaning. Even listen to the sound of having sex(sound the penetration is making). It helped a lot, was not an instant fix but after about 6 months I would orgasm in under 30 minutes which made my
Partner happier as she thinks I enjoyed it as I can. Which I did enjoy it but I also came to accept no coming and just making the female happy.

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RE: Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 6/7/2014 5:54:14 PM   
slaveoubliette


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/22/2014
Status: offline 		the devil is in the details, I am sure taking things in hand will answer the question for you

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RE: Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 6/15/2014 5:28:37 AM   
ante


Posts: 21
Joined: 7/23/2007
Status: offline 		I have actually never achieved orgasm from penetration, only from hand stimulation, my own or my partners. I usually explain this to new partners so that it doesn't become an issue. I used to worry about it a lot in my 20's, so much that it kind of ruined the act itself. As someone mentioned previously, achieving orgasm shouldn't be the goal. The pleasure is.

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RE: Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 6/15/2014 5:43:56 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		I've always had this problem - no problem orgasming alone, but add someone to the mix and I get a mental block.
The main thing is I seem to have trouble relaxing. I have a tendency to overthink my actions in play. "Is this good enough? Will s/he like it? What should I be doing now?"
It's an attitude I'm getting away from, but it's somewhat persistent. Thankfully, I do get enough satisfaction out of getting my partner off that it isn't a problem for me.

Could this be your issue now?

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RE: Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 6/15/2014 6:39:02 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Perhaps it may help you to know but in general women rarely orgasm from penetration.
And often when they do, she is on top.

If you think about a woman's anatomy, this makes sense.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

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RE: Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 7/1/2014 7:48:29 AM   
SinfulBashful


Posts: 26
Joined: 3/11/2014
Status: offline 		Terrible teasing. Slow buildup. Do not go straight for the naughty bits.. wait until they are begging to be touched and then only touch a little. I had a guy give me an immaculate orgasm with a massage and some terrible teasing... and I wasn't even comfortable with him or attracted to him yet. Infact.. when I first met him about 2 hours prior I was turned off, a LOT! My god, my bits were so swollen if I was a dude, i'd've had a rager and he did not even touch any of the naughty parts!

So, I think you're just doing it wrong; stimulating crotch too soon, too fast, before its ready. Vibrators on the clit will desensitize it over time too but sensation returns if the vibrator is put away for a while.

< Message edited by SinfulBashful -- 7/1/2014 8:08:49 AM >

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RE: Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 7/1/2014 8:17:58 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SinfulBashful

Terrible teasing. Slow buildup. Do not go straight for the naughty bits.. wait until they are begging to be touched and then only touch a little. I had a guy give me an immaculate orgasm with a massage and some terrible teasing... and I wasn't even comfortable with him or attracted to him yet. Infact.. when I first met him about 2 hours prior I was turned off, a LOT! My god, my bits were so swollen if I was a dude, i'd've had a rager and he did not even touch any of the naughty parts!

So, I think you're just doing it wrong; stimulating crotch too soon, too fast, before its ready. Vibrators on the clit will desensitize it over time too but sensation returns if the vibrator is put away for a while.

This technique doesn't work for me or the Mrs.
We've tried it.
In fact, the long wait makes us go cold and very turned-off.
The bit about "wait until they are begging...." just doesn't happen.

For us, the mood has to be there with both of us relaxed and then go with the flow.
If there are any thoughts rattling around in the back of the mind it's a killer.
And as a few have said already, don't make orgasm the goal, as that in itself can be a killer too.
Just relax and enjoy the journey.


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RE: Having trouble finding release - how do you do it? - 7/2/2014 6:48:33 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Have you talked to your doctor about all the medication you take. Both otc and prescription? Because otc decongestants prevent me from orgasming.

Have you had a full physical including thyroid scans? Have you had a full hormone scan?

There are a great many things, physical and psychological that can interfere with this complex process. Rule out any of the physical ones first.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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