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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: giving up control. (4/21/2014 5:50:47 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: huckhound
I have always thought of myself as a submissive. And I thought I was a pretty good one, too. I never had a Master or dominant or anything, but I liked the idea of submitting to someone, and I'm kinky, I have a laundry list of fetishes, and the idea of Bondage has always been something I thought was amazing.
Well, a while back I had a couple of experiences with a dominant friend. And I realized I have a really bad problem, apparently. Basically: I couldn't give up the control to her in the situation. I kept trying to tell her how to tie me up, how to do things better, when we should be done... I just couldn't accept that she was in control of the situation...
Does anyone else have this problem sometimes? Is there any easy way to get over it?
OK first off, and I don't mean this with any snark: what makes you think you are a good submissive?
You've mentioned that you have a lot of fetishes and bondage sounds exciting. But you hadn't experienced submitting. And let's be honest, none of us really know whether reality and fantasy will match up. It might be that you don't really want to submit (in the sense of actually following someone else's lead and doing what THEY want, over what you want) - maybe you just want to have some specific acts carried out on you. We would usually call that being a 'bottom' - you want to receive a beating, or be the one who gets tied up or whatever your kink is, but not to actually exchange power. And there is NOTHING wrong with that at all. I'm not trying to be pedantic over terminology, I just think sometimes when we are new to the scene we might not know how the terms are usually understood.
So you had some experiences, but found that you wanted them to go exactly as you imagined in your mind. It doesn't sound like you enjoyed her being in charge, since she obviously had her own ideas about how things should be done. So perhaps you are a bottom, and need a play partner with whom you can either bark out instructions during play, or negotiate very thoroughly so you know exactly what you are getting. You are more likely to find someone to do this with if you are willing to take turns calling the shots so she gets what she wants too.
Now perhaps you are a submissive, but you just don't gel with this particular domme. Or you just need time and practice to get into it. Or your kinks aren't quite the same as you thought they would be, now that you've tried them in person ( I think lots of us go through that to some extent). In which case it comes down to finding someone you trust and keep experimenting.
If you do feel comfortable, you do trust her, you're sure you want to give up power etc, then the answer is both simple and very difficult - just shut up and submit. Practice. Remind yourself frequently that you are not in charge and she is the boss. You do as she says. Submitting means accepting that things won't always be exactly how you like it. It means putting someone else's decisions and preferences above your own, and that can be tough. But here's the thing - that's what 'submit' means. I've been there. I bet there's not a sub on this site who hasn't, at least once, wished they could just have something their own way. But we shut up and do as we're told because that is submission.
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