In love with the thought of love

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KeepCalmCreepOn -> In love with the thought of love (4/24/2014 2:33:25 PM)
I've noticed this about myself for a while, but I have no idea how to change it. And I have to change it because I've hurt people with this stupid bullshit time and time again. Good people at that who had no idea about my own indecisiveness, pickiness, and general stupidity. I'm in love with the idea of love. Having someone that is romantic, strong, mysterious, funny, intelligent, geeky, and a whole lot of things that sound really good on paper. But everytime I talk to someone in RL or here, sooner or later I start picking out their flaws. Thoughts like their too sweet, their too smart, they don't share enough interests with me, they don't share this kink, etc etc. I basically nitpick...and that tends to make me drift from whoever I'm talking to. Which makes them worry after weeks of not talking, frustrated, or just makes them feel bad when I finally confess that "I'm bored..or we're too different..or I don't like this and that". I feel like I shouldn't nitpick so much and try (for one) see how things go. And I have no idea what I should do about it, or if I should/can do anything about it. Basially, HELP

MalcolmNathaniel -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/24/2014 2:52:05 PM)
You want some help? Grow up. No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws - there is no Prince Charming. I fit all the characteristics you mention but I have my flaws too. Here's a song for you I Need a Hero Grow up.

Kaliko -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/24/2014 3:14:10 PM)
I'm going to go in the opposite direction of MalcolmNathaniel. Nitpick all you want. It's not that you are looking for someone without flaws. (Even if it feels that way to you.) You are simply looking for someone with a set of flaws that you can live with. When the right person comes along, you'll be amazed at how you no longer feel you want to nitpick. And you'll be thankful that you didn't settle.

CobaltRose -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/24/2014 3:22:17 PM)
^ I agree, though you may need to make some compromises. You cant have your cake and eat it too, after all.....actually i never understood that line, why the hell would you get cake if you werent gonna eat it?

Rasciallymisty -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/24/2014 3:46:19 PM)
I agree with Kaliko and CR

anniezz338 -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/24/2014 4:10:20 PM)
Sounds like you are looking for perfection. But are you able to give perfection back? Or are you noncommittal and look for excuses to get out?

kiwisub12 -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/24/2014 4:13:20 PM)
Sounds to me like someone who is afraid of commitment - and gets out of the possibility by rejecting everyone who might be a candidate.

Spiritedsub2 -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/24/2014 4:23:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kaliko I'm going to go in the opposite direction of MalcolmNathaniel. Nitpick all you want. It's not that you are looking for someone without flaws. (Even if it feels that way to you.) You are simply looking for someone with a set of flaws that you can live with. When the right person comes along, you'll be amazed at how you no longer feel you want to nitpick. And you'll be thankful that you didn't settle. I agree with this. Your profile says you're 22. You aren't nitpicking; you are finding your way into what kind of people and relationships are right for you. Read this article: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4848898

ShaharThorne -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/24/2014 4:41:48 PM)
Nobody is perfect...even I have flaws (chocolate addict) and I hate my scales. I ride those motorized shopping carts at Walmart because of a bloody nerve and Mom (yes, I live with her) thinks I am going deaf. I also got over 6 storage bins of yarn...and 4 blue ribbons for crocheting stuff up.

FieryOpal -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/25/2014 5:55:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KeepCalmCreepOn I'm in love with the idea of love. I can totally relate to you about being like this for most of my adult life. Okay, practically all of my life, and I'm old enough to be your mother. (Are you a romantic Libra? Idealistic Sagittarius?) I used to make prioritized lists of the 50-100 traits I desired in my ideal partner. Then about a dozen to a score of deal breakers. This was when I was vanilla. The deal breakers have mushroomed and doubled or tripled. [8D] At one point, while updating Le List, I realized that it sounded an awful lot like a male version of me. This was perturbing, because I didn't think I wanted a male version of me. Then I realized that in order to find someone who COMPLEMENTED me and could be my COUNTERPART, he wouldn't be like me personality-wise (as introverted or as extroverted, as serious or as playful; as creative, sensitive and intuitive, or as down to earth, logical and cerebral). In some ways we would share the same fundamental values and beliefs, have the same priorities in life, and so forth. Part of what you're struggling with is the control factor. You want to be able to control the conditions of your state of "in-loveness," but you can't. Part of you wants to get swept off your feet, and part of you is scared shitless. You have to learn to let it go, and just let it be. Love will come. Your job is to not get in your own way when that window of opportunity opens. Your job is to not let it slip away. ETA: "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." Lao-Tzu

Kaliko -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/25/2014 7:05:13 AM)
I will tack on to what FieryOpal said about lists. I used to make lists - at least mental ones. I had no trouble turning a man away if he didn't meet a certain criteria. (Unlike you, keepcalm, I didn't really harbor any guilt about it.) And my mother used to tell me that the list is futile, that the man I ultimately wind up with will have nothing to do with the list. I'm 41 years old and I still hate it when my mother is right. And all of this, by FieryOpal: YES quote: You have to learn to let it go, and just let it be. Love will come. Your job is to not get in your own way when that window of opportunity opens. Your job is to not let it slip away. ETA: "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." Lao-Tzu

angelikaJ -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/25/2014 7:12:12 AM)
My take on this may be quite different, depending on the answer to a question: Are you nitpicking after you think you love them? It sounds like you may fall in love fast and then reality creeps in and you begin to see the person for who they are, and discover that they are not compatible with you. There is nothing wrong with discovering they are wrong for you, but it is best to discover that before you "love" them. So if that is the case, my advice is to slow down and take your time to get to know the person you are entering into a relationship with. It will save a lot of confusion and heartache later on. You can still be romantic as a partner without the element of love.

chatterbox24 -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/25/2014 7:18:49 AM)
Does that picture on the profile bother anyone else or is it just me? A child with dark circles under their eyes and sadness?[sm=anger.gif]

Toysinbabeland -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/25/2014 7:38:40 AM)
I believe in love, but many times true love is when you can love someone because of their differences & imperfections. I certainly wouldn't want anyone to the perfect on the other end of my relationship because I could not ever live up to that standard myself, can you?

angelikaJ -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/25/2014 8:05:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chatterbox24 Does that picture on the profile bother anyone else or is it just me? A child with dark circles under their eyes and sadness?[sm=anger.gif] The picture seems to match the others in the profile. And the age listed is over 18.

GreedyTop -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/25/2014 10:03:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelikaJ My take on this may be quite different, depending on the answer to a question: Are you nitpicking after you think you love them? It sounds like you may fall in love fast and then reality creeps in and you begin to see the person for who they are, and discover that they are not compatible with you. There is nothing wrong with discovering they are wrong for you, but it is best to discover that before you "love" them. So if that is the case, my advice is to slow down and take your time to get to know the person you are entering into a relationship with. It will save a lot of confusion and heartache later on. You can still be romantic as a partner without the element of love. I like this. Also, if what Jellie said is NOT the case, please consider professional counseling. I do not mean this as a slam, but as honest advice. While I am far from perfect, through counseling I learned how to minimize/eradicate things from myself that were sabotaging big parts of my life. I still have miles to go, though.

Darkfeather -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/25/2014 10:52:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KeepCalmCreepOn I've noticed this about myself for a while, but I have no idea how to change it. And I have to change it because I've hurt people with this stupid bullshit time and time again. Good people at that who had no idea about my own indecisiveness, pickiness, and general stupidity. I'm in love with the idea of love. Having someone that is romantic, strong, mysterious, funny, intelligent, geeky, and a whole lot of things that sound really good on paper. But everytime I talk to someone in RL or here, sooner or later I start picking out their flaws. Thoughts like their too sweet, their too smart, they don't share enough interests with me, they don't share this kink, etc etc. I basically nitpick...and that tends to make me drift from whoever I'm talking to. Which makes them worry after weeks of not talking, frustrated, or just makes them feel bad when I finally confess that "I'm bored..or we're too different..or I don't like this and that". I feel like I shouldn't nitpick so much and try (for one) see how things go. And I have no idea what I should do about it, or if I should/can do anything about it. Basially, HELP Look, first of all you never compromise. You never settle. Something in yourself is making you feel this way, correct? Humans interact with each other, and we get these "feelings". Some call it intuition, others call it chemistry. But its a gauge of how compatible we are. And it is usually right. Listen to it. That "nitpicking" as you call it, just may be your subconscious' way of pointing out how that person just doesn't jive with you. Don't listen to it, and you may be in for what we in the business call a world of bad decisions

SweetAnise -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/25/2014 12:12:27 PM)
To the OP: I always say follow your gut it is always right. Not your head or feelings but that gut feeling that keeps you safe. Follow that and you will be okay. Also, nothing wrong with having expectations but you will find that those expectations in time may change.

DesFIP -> RE: In love with the thought of love (4/25/2014 8:43:00 PM)
There is a reason that you are afraid of having a relationship and thus seek out reasons not to engage. I suggest you talk to someone about this. See where the fear of intimacy comes from, exactly what you're afraid of, and learn ways to have healthy relationships. Because that is a learned skill.

BecomingV -> RE: In love with the thought of love (5/2/2014 5:34:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CobaltRose ^ I agree, though you may need to make some compromises. You cant have your cake and eat it too, after all.....actually i never understood that line, why the hell would you get cake if you werent gonna eat it? It means that once you eat the slice of cake that you hold in your hand, you no longer have cake. OP - Fantasy IS fun. For reality that is even more fun... be a radical and build strong friendships.

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