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To take on a Newbie or Not - 4/24/2014 7:01:16 PM

Sexyladydee

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Joined: 9/3/2009
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A young man has approached me who is attracted to this "lifestyle". I have "worked with" a few submissives before. Once as a couple and the last two times alone. I do not consider myself a Master but I am secure in my ability to read people and make us both happy. Content might be a better word. I would ask other Doms/Dommes if there are any obvious pitfalls in taking on a newbie. I am a patient person so I can adjust to mistakes and recognize that we will need to change the pace occasionally. His list of likes/needs coincide with what I enjoy doing. But I have read some very good advice in some of these forums and would appreciate some constructive advice. I stepped away for a few years to focus on my ill partner. Now I am looking forward to full immersion. My previous subs were not newbie's and were able to vocalize their needs which assisted me on narrowing in on what was required to achieve what we both needed. LadyDee[\b]

I'm not selfish, just stubborn, and usually right. LadyDee[\b]

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RE: To take on a Newbie or Not - 4/25/2014 7:22:07 AM

Focus50

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From: Newcastle, Australia
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I've taken on a couple of newbie subs over the years and found it to be somewhat of a balancing act compared to my usual D/s. But certainly not an undesirable experience.

Keyword is *patience*.... The balance you need is that most subs feel at ease when the Dom is confident, clear and decisive etc but that can be a negative and even intimidating to a newbie.

So yeah, small steps. Keep the instructions simple and the atmosphere light(ish); allow them..., no, encourage them to speak up when they're not sure and take the time to explain certain requirements, even if the true reason is nothing more than it's what you like or want.

I've used an analogy of video games where you progress to ever higher levels. That once you do, you can't go back. eg, getting naked is a big thing for a newbie so I didn't go there the first session or two. Instead I worked to it slowly and once she'd gotten to a point of being comfortable (sorta) naked, from then on I had no tolerance for hesitation or modesty once the instruction was given.

As ever, it depends on both the individual and how you gel as a D/s couple. And how good you are at reading the sub and situation. Initially, I move at their pace rather than push them but if they seem to be handling it, sure, ramp it up. And don't be afraid to safe-word yourself - if only to teach the sub that it's ok to do so if they're over-stressing.

My idea of a great or successful scene is when we're both smiling after and looking forward to next time. I'm not out to instil fear or intimidate but at the same time a sub needs to know who's running things. And that's not always easy when they're new to it all.

Overall and given the opportunity, yeah, I'd take on a newbie anytime. There's an edge to it compared to a first time with an experienced sub who straight up complies without hesitation and certainly worth the extra patience.

Focus.

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Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: To take on a Newbie or Not - 4/25/2014 8:44:09 AM

Sexyladydee

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Thank you for the advice. A friend, a Domme, shared that sometimes it's refreshing to be the first.

I'm not selfish, just stubborn and usually right. Ladydee

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RE: To take on a Newbie or Not - 4/25/2014 3:06:44 PM

Focus50

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I'd say waaaay beyond just "refreshing"....

As I touched on previously; first time with a sub of previous experience can be a little.... "sterile" if/when they fall back on previously learned behaviour in complying with your wishes. So they have a level of confidence but also maybe certain behaviours you don't desire and need to "unteach" them. eg, I've always loathed being addressed as "Master", even when in what was affectively an M/s relationship.

Now a newbie has no such behaviours to default to. So that confidence is replaced by nervous energy, awkwardness, hesitation and often a dread fear of displeasing and even failing. And I *love* that, that's something to savour and exploit. But with that balancing act of patience and reassurance etc as what you're primarily doing is building mutual trust.

Ok, not for every Dom/me as I've known at least one who pretty much expected immediate compliance and faultless execution and would even berate a newbie for wasting his "valuable" time. Lol, I guess his mum didn't hafta rag on him for playing with his food as a boy....

For me, the extra time and patience required is worth every second and I don't waste that. Or you can look at it as moulding them to precisely what you want/expect without having to unteach otherwise undesirable previous habits (to you).

Focus.

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Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: To take on a Newbie or Not - 4/25/2014 4:39:13 PM

Sexyladydee

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I must admit your insight is making it very appealing to the teacher/instructor in me. I have been a little hesitant because so far he is having difficulty with simple instructions. Plus I am a mild skeptic until you prove yourself to be sincere. Keeping/stealing your video "explanation". It was perfect. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

I'm not selfish, just stubborn and usually right. LadyDee

Sense is not common. Ladydee's Grandmother

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RE: To take on a Newbie or Not - 4/26/2014 4:48:43 AM

OriginalRebel

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A new submissive has nothing to compare you with. In my experience, those having their first experience are more likely to fall in love with you because they have waited for this moment all their adult life. They tend to be very nervous, like Focus says, all fingers and thumbs as well as tongue tied, which is delicious in so many ways. Its as though they are having an interview for the job of their dreams.

I have met both male and female new to the lifestyle submissives. The males tend to be either painfully shy and tongue tied or over eager to please and the females are more likely to go into sub frenzy and often reveal early on that they have been speaking and arranging to meet up with half a dozen Dommes/Doms to play. I once met up with a girl who on our second arranged meet decided to play. When she took off her clothes she was covered in bruises. She explained that she had already played with 3 dominants that week because she couldn't wait an entire week to have her first play with me.

You never know, you may just meet the person of your dreams but however it goes, its all experience and if you don't meet them just because they are new to this, you may miss out on something that could become very special.

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RE: To take on a Newbie or Not - 4/26/2014 6:05:20 AM

FieryOpal

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sexyladydee

I have been a little hesitant because so far he is having difficulty with simple instructions.

This right there--Big Red Flag.
Call me a hard-arse, but the very first quality I screen for in ANY man (sub or vanilla) is compliance, compliance, compliance.
Starting out with the simplest of instructions, of course. Taking baby steps.
If the dude can't or won't listen, then as a woman, you are putting yourself at great risk being alone with a "virtual" stranger.

He will more than likely be taller than you, bigger than you, and stronger than you.
Ask yourself this: If you were interacting with a man in a vanilla date setting, what precautions would you ordinarily take?
The fact that at some point, your sub-under-consideration will be kneeling there naked in front of you, doesn't guarantee your safety.
I've been lucky and not been in a potentially compromising position with a man. It's been sheer luck, when I look back upon it, those years when I've been unattached.
(But for the grace of God, go I...)

There are far too many fetishists, masochists, and kink-frenzied bottoms who are feeming for BDSM and for us Dommes to be their fetish & kink delivery system for them.
Fantasists can be quite convincing that they are *truly* submissive. They can often talk the talk, but they can't walk the walk.
You and/or other Dominant females may choose to handle your affairs differently, but I am all about the D/s.
Without the groundwork laid down for a solid foundation of D/s, BDSM isn't ever going to happen.

As for so-called success rates with newbies, I don't have enough experience with them to contribute much to the main discussion point.
I was married to one, so I don't know that this counts. It took many years of (what I considered to be an unnecessary) power struggle to get him to come around.

Against my better judgment, I got involved with a fantasist and fetishist, and let him drop the "Mistress" title with me and call me by my real name. Big mistake. Soon afterwards, our D/s went out the window.
You see, he didn't want a real-life D/s relationship dynamic with the *real* me, he wanted Mistress So-and-So, the dominatrix of his FemDom porn-fueled fantasies.
The sub I had after him was experienced--but not overly experienced, meaning not a bunch of bad habits to break, retraining, and de-programming to do.
I generally avoid those with a "slave mentality" to begin with, for these very reasons. At my age, and their (middle) age, it's much harder to teach an old dog new tricks, as the adage goes.

Nonetheless, I would never rule out a newbie sub, knowing that there will be a larger-arching learning curve that will require more patience on my part, but I'm not going to cut him extra slack because of it.
I do have protocol in place, but not a rigid one by any means. Either he's on board with our authority dynamic 100% commitment-wise, or he can walk.
Given that I am highly communications-oriented (and also prefer a sub who can vocalize well), I insist upon keeping open lines of communication so there is no ambiguity as to either of our expectations.
Generally, I find it helpful to enforce a 3 strikes and you're out policy.

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Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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RE: To take on a Newbie or Not - 4/26/2014 7:58:27 AM

Musicmystery

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First, why isn't this in "Ask a Mistress"?

Second, I have no strong preferences regarding experienced vs. newbie. An experienced girl has a shorter learning curve, but she also has things to unlearn, as she still needs to acclimate to my requirements and desires. A new girl has none of that baggage, but also is learning a new world from scratch. It takes time -- but is often worth it.

In either event, the more important question is whether you want to spend time and intimacy with this person, and whether that person is a good fit for you (would be happy under you and thrive).

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RE: To take on a Newbie or Not - 4/26/2014 4:38:25 PM

KnightofMists

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No amount of experience or lack of replaces bad or good character.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: To take on a Newbie or Not - 4/26/2014 11:21:28 PM

sexyred1

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My thought is that if you are right for each other, experience does not matter.

Every time I am with someone, it is new.

But of course, that would require a confident Dom, who doesn't see experienced subs as needing to unlearn anything.

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RE: To take on a Newbie or Not - 4/27/2014 9:33:01 AM

WickedDelerium

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Depends on its reality
Many people say pretty much anything to get someone to talk to them, the ante has to be upped, so to spake. And even then many a non particular reality moves on to pastures lusher whn presented. For that is who they are..did they really exist in the form and thoughts they said etc or perhaps they escaped from the travelling circus

But I presume thee wiser than to fall for malarkey and if you like him what have you to lose
But I tend to screen reality firstly and take to from there - call me sensible, no matter the site. It saves a lot of wasted time

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RE: To take on a Newbie or Not - 4/27/2014 9:53:31 AM

Musicmystery

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

My thought is that if you are right for each other, experience does not matter.

Every time I am with someone, it is new.

But of course, that would require a confident Dom, who doesn't see experienced subs as needing to unlearn anything.

Not sure what that swipe was all about.

Sometimes a girl comes to a relationship "knowing" exactly how it should all go. As you've noted above, that's not the case--it's always new with someone new. But often people come together with a set of expectations, and they will need to work past that to the relationship actually in front of them.

I would think understanding that lies in the realm of confidence, rather than otherwise.

Perhaps your experience has been different. I can't say.

Frankly, just speaking generally, I've found that most of my better lessons in adulthood come from unlearning something -- we can't grow when we think we already know. Each major break-through in life is actually a break-with. Growth then becomes a matter of being comfortable with uncertainty -- which, at least for me, takes no small degree of practiced confidence to continually step forward into ever new and unknown territory. Setting up camp in a comfort zone is just enshrining fear and status quo. Letting go of that is essential to continuing to grow.

< Message edited by Musicmystery -- 4/27/2014 9:54:07 AM >

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