RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (Full Version)

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ownedgirlie -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/9/2006 7:41:48 PM)

That sounds so cynical.  I understand your take on it, and maybe it is your current truth.  But I truly do not believe anyone can sustain long term emotional health and fulfillment if they are never loved. 



IrishMist -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/9/2006 7:45:09 PM)

quote:

That sounds so cynical.  I understand your take on it, and maybe it is your current truth.  But I truly do not believe anyone can sustain long term emotional health and fulfillment if they are never loved. 

Ahhh, but I did not say I was NEVER loved, only that I no longer need it to survive [:)]
And it's not being cynical. Just realistic. I had enough love from my husband to sustain me for life, emotionally. If it happens again, great. But if it does not, it will not destroy me.



akisha -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/9/2006 7:47:01 PM)

The couple things beyond food, water, air, and shelter that I consider needs in my life can be fullfilled with out jepordizing her in any way. I can arrange to put those needs on hold until such time it is appropriate and i am able to fulfill those needs. 

I want a long term loving relationship. I do not NEED one. I will not settle again and marry or commit to someone that i don't feel will enhance both my and my daughters life. I do not need anyone to fill a hole in my life. For I do not equate being single as a bad thing. I do not think I am missing something that is essential in my life. Yes at times i'm lonely, it is human nature to crave other close human interaction.

I want someone there to love me and hold me and tie me up and do naughty thigs to me *w* but I do not need these things. I want to have someone in my life i can cater to and serve and love but i do not need this person to make my life complete. I want this person because it would make my life better. And I trust  that i would make his life better as well.

In my opinion and this is only my opinion. If someone feels that they need to have a man or a woman in their life to complete it then they are not looking at potential mates from a good point of view. If you think you need to have a someon in your life then you are more likely to choose the first person that comes along and tells you what you want to hear. How can this be good for anyone. If you feel you need validation from someone that you are loveable then you will do dangerous and foolish things to try and keep that love. And really that is not a good place to be.

I have seen in the last few years so many people online and in r/l, nilla and "lifestyle", bounce from relationship to relationship seeking the "One" and there is always something wrong. It never lasts at the most a couple of months. This is because they need to feel loved and as long as the "honeymoon" period is on hot and heavy then it's all good, but then when life hits and they realize that the other person can not fix the hole with in themselves they get dissappointed and move on again.

The sad thing today is that so many expect intantanious gratification. Hoe many threads has there been on here stating "I'm been on collar me for 2 months and I haven't found anyone. You are all fakers and you all suck" Good lord. Yes some people are lucky and find a mate right away. But what is it that some think that just because they discouvered they are submissive or doninant that they should be able to find their perfect match in under a week?

I'm 32. I have had 3 long term relationships in my life starting at the age of 17. None of these men ended up being my "perfect match" in a "forever" sense. I take the relationships for what they were. What i learned and the love we shared while we shared it will always be with me.

I want them in my life and I had them for along as God, or Fate, deemed I was allowed to have them. I did not need them in my life. They were there out our choice to be together. Not out of some misguided thought that we needed to be together.






IrishMist -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/9/2006 7:48:50 PM)

Nicely said Akisha[:)]



akisha -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/9/2006 7:49:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Have you heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs? Most psychologists consider sex and affection needs


This I agree with actually.



ownedgirlie -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/9/2006 7:51:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

That sounds so cynical.  I understand your take on it, and maybe it is your current truth.  But I truly do not believe anyone can sustain long term emotional health and fulfillment if they are never loved. 

Ahhh, but I did not say I was NEVER loved, only that I no longer need it to survive [:)]
And it's not being cynical. Just realistic. I had enough love from my husband to sustain me for life, emotionally. If it happens again, great. But if it does not, it will not destroy me.


Ahhh, ok your point is much clearer to me now, thank you.  I did not realize from where you were speaking.  But I also think you and I are talking different kinds of love.  When I say we need love in our lives, I was not speaking solely of a life partner.  I was speaking all-encompassing - friends, family, etc.  But I do appreciate your clarification, as I can understand your point much better.



bitchboy22 -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/9/2006 7:59:10 PM)

For me personally I think its a need and a desire at the same time, meaning that I cant get excited about sex unless there is some bdsm in it, but at the same time this need to be able to get excited is satisfying the want/desire of actually being excited, hence its both.
As for my partner, I definitly want them to want to be dominant, because I want them to enjoy the relationship but wheather its a need for them or not is irelevent.




MistressLorelei -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/9/2006 8:07:14 PM)

To be emotionally happy and healthy, I need socialization, love, affection, touch, and sexual relations.  I don't need all of these things throughout my life in the same way that I need food and water, but I do need to feel they are available to me when I do need them.

I don't need a relationship to make me complete, or rely on one for my happiness.   I am happy with myself, and am capable of seeking and attaining anything I do need when I need it.  I desire a relationship, and have come to the conclusion that the relationship I desire needs to be one of a D/s nature.  I desire someone who will complement many aspects of my life, and because of this person, I will find additional (and different) pleasure and happiness in my life... but without a relationship, I will exist, I will be happy, and I will be complete.



juliaoceania -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/9/2006 8:09:27 PM)

You are getting affection needs met by your child which helps you sublimate your other affection needs.. I know.. I did it for over a decade for my young son, but eventually he grew to where my other needs came to the forefront as a young sexual person. He is 16 now, and he doesn't need me like he once did... in a few years you may see what I mean, or not.



SusanofO -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/9/2006 8:10:57 PM)

I've read threads on these forums where people complain about things like "he used to spank me a lot more often than he does now", etc, so I am assuming it is a want.

However, I will caveat this by saying that because there are many people who have left partners that would not do bdsm in their vanilla relationships, or became so frustrated with that fact they wants to leave, or go poly, etc. - that it could be construed as a need, not a want. Once I did it, I couldn't imagine not doing it if it was available in a relationship, so - I just don't know the answer to this question I guess.

- Susan 



akisha -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/9/2006 8:26:24 PM)

I know my daughter loves me and I love her. She fulfills the need of unconditional love in my life.  but she does not fullfil  the  intimacy needs that i do have. I do not subjugate the love i get from my daguther to replace the intimacy i need from a partner.

I have a couple of close friends that i spend time with and sleep with on a regualr basis. I do not believe in celibacy (for me). One i have known for about 10 years and one I met recently. I care alot for them both. They are more then sexual partners, they are friends. So i get more then one itimacy need met by them. Even if i was no longer sleeping with them I know that i  would always care for them. But again I do not need them specifically. If i had to i could replace them in my life as sexual partners. I could never replace them as friends. I could make new freinds but they would never replace the old.

I need intimacy and sex. I do not need  a committed relationship to fullfil it.



juliaoceania -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/9/2006 9:03:13 PM)

I shouldn't have assumed that we were alike that way...



irishbynature -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/10/2006 2:30:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Have you heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs? Most psychologists consider sex and affection needs


Correct. Maslow's Heirachy of Needs does state that SEX, (yes SEX) is a basic human need...as well as food, water....however, sex is not as important on the heirachy as food and water.....(Grins...but helk, who can eat and not have sex, or vice versa....LOL)
Silly me[:)]



gentlethistle -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/10/2006 10:14:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
That sounds so cynical.  I understand your take on it, and maybe it is your current truth.  But I truly do not believe anyone can sustain long term emotional health and fulfillment if they are never loved. 


But a lot of people must sustain themselves without that sort of 'one love'.  Some people do not find love, are not particularly loveable or desireable, or perhaps they are eminently lovely but simply undiscovered.  Whatever.   The universal declaration of human rights only allows us the pursuit of happiness...it doesn't regulate for us all to find a suitable mate (as though life were a breeding programme in a zoo).  And those people without one have to somehow continue on their own without the luxury of being loved or cared for.  Perhaps they find fulfilment and equanimity in taking good care of themselves and putting their energy into something other than a relationship.  If people 'need' to have an 'other' to complete themselves at all times then surely this just leads to serial monogamy without true compatibility?

Laura





Caretakr -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/10/2006 10:52:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentlethistle

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
That sounds so cynical.  I understand your take on it, and maybe it is your current truth.  But I truly do not believe anyone can sustain long term emotional health and fulfillment if they are never loved. 


But a lot of people must sustain themselves without that sort of 'one love'.  Some people do not find love, are not particularly loveable or desireable, or perhaps they are eminently lovely but simply undiscovered.  Whatever.   The universal declaration of human rights only allows us the pursuit of happiness...it doesn't regulate for us all to find a suitable mate (as though life were a breeding programme in a zoo).  And those people without one have to somehow continue on their own without the luxury of being loved or cared for.  Perhaps they find fulfilment and equanimity in taking good care of themselves and putting their energy into something other than a relationship.  If people 'need' to have an 'other' to complete themselves at all times then surely this just leads to serial monogamy without true compatibility?

Laura





More or less fast reply, but wanted to refference the quote.

Those who are "in love with love" are often doomed never to find it. So they spend life slipping from partner to partner, seeking an unrealized ephemra that never really existed.

It's a very sick thing to expect your own emotional content to be fullfilled by others-it's not thier responsibility, it's yours.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/10/2006 12:05:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

This question is more spefically for those seeking a long-term D/s relationship, but I suppose it could apply to other situations, as well.

Have you ever considered whether, to you, a D/s relationship is a need, or a want?  What about for the person you are seeking?  Would you want your partner to be with you out of need, or out of desire?


I suppose I could go off into all the tangents re: a long-term D/s relationship...is love involved, is it strictly service, etc....but I am going to go along with what everyone else seems to be stating...that there is more to the relationship than just the basic dominance/submission.

For me, any relationship is a want.  I want to enjoy life with someone rather than by myself but if thathe rest of my life is to be lived alone, I can and will do so.  I have my work, my kids, my reading, my hot rods (hope to add a chopper to the mix in a couple years), my family, my airbrush work, so many things...and while they can never replace the interaction of myself with another person on all the levels to be shared...that bring happiness and fulfillment to my life.  There are submissives that love to play with me, so that is also available.

I do not need anyone specifically.  julia noted on here that people are afraid to express needing other people...I think part of that comes not out of a phobia but because we are taught that it can be unhealthy to need someone specifically.  It gets complex...I need people because I like interacting with people...it is a big part of my life.  But not specific people.  I need the happiness and joy and playful love and laughter and sexy fun and intimacy of kink that comes with doing it with a partner that is more than a play partner, but I do not want to need it from that one person.  I want it from that person because it is better with them than with someone I don't share my life with but I do not care to need it specifically from them.  Because what happens if they die?...if they go away?...if they become sickly?...if...?

I want to dominate someone and have someone want to submit to me.  If their need to submit is satisfied by submitting to me, great...but the satisfaction of the need to submit should not turn on the fact that it's ME that it has to be to.  I want the desire to submit to be to me. 
I do not want a vanilla relationship again.  I don't want the "what do you want...no, what do you want...I don't care...well, fine, I'll pick....no wait, when I said I did not care, I did not mean that this was O.K., etc., etc." bullshit again.
But... I don't need either to live the rest of my life happily. 

Clear as mud?  [:)]



Bearlee -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/10/2006 12:13:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

Have you ever considered whether, to you, a D/s relationship is a need, or a want?  What about for the person you are seeking?  Would you want your partner to be with you out of need, or out of desire? 


I have always told people “It isn’t that I need you; I want you.”  By my way of thinking that is the healthier dynamic.  I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself; I have a home, hobbies, friends, a job.   To come from a place of desire rather than need seems to me the opposite of wanting to be rescued.  I do not want to be rescued…nor do I want to rescue anybody.  Blechhhhhhhhhhhhh…..
(but that is just my quick, shoot from the hip reply)...now I'll go read what everybody else said.)



TxBadMan -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/10/2006 1:05:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

This question is more spefically for those seeking a long-term D/s relationship, but I suppose it could apply to other situations, as well.

Have you ever considered whether, to you, a D/s relationship is a need, or a want?  What about for the person you are seeking?  Would you want your partner to be with you out of need, or out of desire?


For me, personally, a M/s or D/s relationship is a want. I do not need it to be content or fulfilled in my life. 
I would perfer that my girls be with me out of want versus need. If the need to be with me, or they need to be in such a relationship so desperatly, obviously there is some emotional and mental instability.



Bearlee -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/10/2006 5:20:43 PM)

No, Sir...NOT clear as mud; crystal clear!  You said it so much better than I did, too!  Well done!  I agree totally with you...and with Caretakr: "It's a very sick thing to expect your own emotional content to be fullfilled by others-it's not thier responsibility, it's yours."  I've always said "I don't wanna be ANYBODY's sunshine!"   Yup, I'd much rather they just want me...   <smiles>



Bearlee -> RE: Relationship Needing vs. Wanting (7/10/2006 6:37:31 PM)

Perhaps it is a need rather than a want, because (using relationships with people as the example), I can get by just fine with a regular dose of friends and neighbors…but I end up fairly dehydrated without a Dom around; yup, I swallow!  <giggles>  (Yes, you two are very bad!  LOL )
 
Seriously, part of me understands what Julia means, but the other part is painfully aware that much of the time ‘needy’ people are the ones who want rescuing.  True, some people like to be rescuers, too, and you’d think they’d be happy together; but that is not the case, often times.  I’m reminded of therapists who say it’s not likely people who come together from need do to well…I think they call it dependency and co-dependency, and say it’s much better when two ‘whole’ people come together.  And go on to say things like akisha said; “…If you feel you need validation from someone that you are loveable then you will do dangerous and foolish things to try and keep that love. And really that is not a good place to be.”
 
So, I'm back to thinking I'm happy to want someone...someone who wants me right back.  I like how IrishMist put it "Needs are survival. Wants are perks. Really very simple when you think about it. Just an opinion though.”   I agree whole heartedly.  And with MLorelei’s statement:
quote:

I desire a relationship, and have come to the conclusion that the relationship I desire needs to be one of a D/s nature.

 
Perfection in a nutshell……………….IMO



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