Betrayal of trust?? (Full Version)

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Redsunderrule -> Betrayal of trust?? (4/27/2014 1:00:40 PM)

I have had a Master for over two years. He is my second Master so not that experienced but I am a submissive and love being one. We developed a serious bond..emotional and physical. I love him..both Man and Master. He told me frequently how much he loved and needed me and I was the only submissive he needed.
Well then the bomb hit when I found that an acquaintance of mine is also his submissive and had been for three years. She did not know of me either. Fun times when we found out..NOT!! Well of course Master did his best at damage control but he lost my friend..and is on the verge of losing me.
He thinks we can just start over..and develop trust again. I am not so sure. Trusting your Master is for me the kindpin of the relationship. How can you surrender yourself totally when the man has no honor?? Don't ask Don't Tell doesn't hurt anybody he says..well I beg to differ.
I would love to hear from other Masters on this scenario.



sexyred1 -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/27/2014 1:09:17 PM)

I am not a Master, but I would not forgive him if this was not discussed previously with you.



windchymes -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/27/2014 1:16:17 PM)

I'm not a master, but the same good rule of thumb can apply here as it does in "regular" relationships. If he cheated on her with you, he will most likely cheat again ON you with someone else. Personally, IMO, he's already shown you how trustworthy he is.

"Don't ask, don't tell" is just another way of saying "what you don't know won't hurt you". Which is another way of saying, when you find out, it will hurt you.



InHisHeart -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/27/2014 1:30:41 PM)

I'm a sub, Master and I made a commitment to each other. If he cheated on me it would be a definite deal breaker. I could forgive him (in time) but I would not continue on in a relationship with him.



Bucephalus -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/27/2014 1:32:40 PM)

If it's something you can work through, that is up to you. However, he explicitly told you that you that you were his only submissive, and you come to find he had another. That, in my opinion, is very much cheating. I find that in itself deplorable and unbecoming of anyone, regardless of kink. Then he proceeds to basically tell you to get over it, rather than attempt to work through it, is just as horrible. It's akin to victim blaming, to me. I would not put up with it. It's disgusting behaviour and unbecoming on anyone, especially a dominant, someone that you should have the most trust in. He fully betrayed your trust, and I personally would not trust him again if I had been in your shoes. I could never even begin to fathom putting my submissive through something like this.



violettefemme -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/27/2014 3:16:19 PM)

I was in an M/s relationship for 6 years and we had an agreement that he could have others as long as I knew about them. 4 years into the relationship I found out that he had withheld the fact that he was regularly seeing a former girlfriend and had been for almost 2 years. I was crushed, and even though I stayed for another 2 years, much of that was me trying to 'be a good slave' and stick it out. The lie is what led to our breaking up, and I honestly wish that I hadnt given him those last 2 years because it was never, ever the same. Even though we tried, I just couldnt trust him. Take from this what you will.



Killerangel -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/27/2014 4:11:21 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Redsunderrule

I have had a Master for over two years. He is my second Master so not that experienced but I am a submissive and love being one. We developed a serious bond..emotional and physical. I love him..both Man and Master. He told me frequently how much he loved and needed me and I was the only submissive he needed.
Well then the bomb hit when I found that an acquaintance of mine is also his submissive and had been for three years. She did not know of me either. Fun times when we found out..NOT!! Well of course Master did his best at damage control but he lost my friend..and is on the verge of losing me.
He thinks we can just start over..and develop trust again. I am not so sure. Trusting your Master is for me the kindpin of the relationship. How can you surrender yourself totally when the man has no honor?? Don't ask Don't Tell doesn't hurt anybody he says..well I beg to differ.
I would love to hear from other Masters on this scenario.


Trust is transactional, your transactions with him have been shown to be built on lies. He could possibly start over and start building up trust transactions that are honest, but he doesn't seem to be interested in that as he's not doing any work to make things better. He seems to want to just jump back in the saddle and have everyone ignore that he was a douche. The Don't Ask Don't Tell reference on his part seems lazy, shallow and very convenient.

If he wants trust he'll have to earn it as he's damaged the trust you already had in him. It'll take time. He'll have to work at it. If he's not interested in doing those things then let him go, why would you want someone that only wants you if you don't cause him any fuss and will let him get back to business as usual without having him address what wrongs he has perpetrated?



DominantWoman65 -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/27/2014 4:27:43 PM)

OP my advice to you would be to think with your head instead of your heart, and I know that is easier said than done. This man not only cheated but he also lied. I understand that in time you may forgive but you will never forget his transgressions and in my experience I could never have the same level of trust as before. Search yourself to see if you can ever learn to trust him again and what the relationship will mean to you. Will it be healthy and fulfilling? Will you be happy?
He has shown you the value of his worth, don't you think you deserve better than that?


Edited for spelling



Redsunderrule -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/27/2014 7:27:49 PM)

Thank you all for the advise. I don't know if I was looking for reasons to stay or reasons to go. He is the first Master I have totally and completely let down the walls for and submitted. He took an innocent and molded her..and then showed her there is no honor in t he lifestyle. He that always touted the way Master's should be. I know he is not what he seemed..and my head tells me I must go. As does my body as the walls are going up. Why is it so hard? I feel like I am losing part of me.
Frustrated with myself for my weakness. I know Masters are men too..but aren't they supposed to be superior men. How does one trust again??



candisa -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/27/2014 7:40:48 PM)

trust is essential to growth. if someone chooses to lie, they have no respect for the relationship, or the person to whom they are lying to. I have had men lie to me straight to my face, it hurts but, more than that it kills any future prospects for growth. If a person will lie once, they will do it again, and again. Ethical standards are self imposed.



angelikaJ -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/27/2014 8:02:50 PM)

The entire text of the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love is here:

http://www.buildfreedom.com/content/books/survive/

You may find it helpful.



FieryOpal -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/28/2014 3:03:17 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Bucephalus

If it's something you can work through, that is up to you. However, he explicitly told you that you that you were his only submissive, and you come to find he had another. That, in my opinion, is very much cheating. I find that in itself deplorable and unbecoming of anyone, regardless of kink. Then he proceeds to basically tell you to get over it, rather than attempt to work through it, is just as horrible. It's akin to victim blaming, to me. I would not put up with it. It's disgusting behaviour and unbecoming on anyone, especially a dominant, someone that you should have the most trust in. He fully betrayed your trust, and I personally would not trust him again if I had been in your shoes. I could never even begin to fathom putting my submissive through something like this.

This is not simply a matter of mono/poly dealings where your Master should have been upfront with both you and his other submissive from the very start. Trust is like a mirror. Once shattered, it can never be put back together in the same pristine intact condition it used to be in.

You know and the rest of us can plainly see what a massive breach of trust this was that your Master committed, in addition to his sordid deceptions. He doesn't deserve a second chance, because he has already proved himself untrustworthy. Kick him to the curb. Do you have a place to go? Swallow your pride if you have to and move in with a relative or friend until you can get your bearings back again.

Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. There must have been warning signs that you chose to ignore. Resolve to yourself that you won't do that ever again. Decide whether the monogamy issue is a deal breaker to you or not, and if it is, then make it one of your Hard Limits. If it was already a Hard Limit, then this man knowingly violated your boundaries on a routine basis. What kind of Master does this? Not one deserving of that title by any stretch of the imagination.



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/28/2014 5:11:21 AM)

A lot of good advice from everyone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redsunderrule
... I know he is not what he seemed..and my head tells me I must go. As does my body as the walls are going up. Why is it so hard? I feel like I am losing part of me.

I picked up on this bit because, like any first-time vanilla relationship, the old adage of "the first cut is the deepest" springs to mind.
And yes, you will get over it in time. Time is a great healer.

Cheating and lying are the worst things to break someone's trust.
To me, that trust never really heals once broken.

Get yourself out of the situation so you can see things much clearer, then work on yourself.
There will be someone out there that isn't such an asshat. Trust me! [:)]



Musicmystery -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/28/2014 5:17:00 AM)

You're not asking for advice, OP -- you're seeking validation. There's no question mark really in your thread title.

Live and learn. Next.



Bucephalus -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/28/2014 5:45:37 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal


quote:

ORIGINAL: Bucephalus

If it's something you can work through, that is up to you. However, he explicitly told you that you that you were his only submissive, and you come to find he had another. That, in my opinion, is very much cheating. I find that in itself deplorable and unbecoming of anyone, regardless of kink. Then he proceeds to basically tell you to get over it, rather than attempt to work through it, is just as horrible. It's akin to victim blaming, to me. I would not put up with it. It's disgusting behaviour and unbecoming on anyone, especially a dominant, someone that you should have the most trust in. He fully betrayed your trust, and I personally would not trust him again if I had been in your shoes. I could never even begin to fathom putting my submissive through something like this.

This is not simply a matter of mono/poly dealings where your Master should have been upfront with both you and his other submissive from the very start. Trust is like a mirror. Once shattered, it can never be put back together in the same pristine intact condition it used to be in.

Oh believe me, I know this, and I agree, don't misunderstand me. I believe she should kick him to the curb, but in the end, regardless of what our opinions may be, the decision is up to her on what she should do.



orgasmdenial12 -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/28/2014 9:13:46 AM)

Dump him. Once a cheat, always a cheat.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/28/2014 9:33:31 AM)

~FRing it~

I can't tell you what the right decision for you is because only you can determine that, OP.

What I do know is that trust and a person's heart are very fragile and need to be handled with care. Once these two things are broken, they are never the same as they once were. Only you can decide just how valuable your heart and your trust are. And whether or not this person (not my first choice of nouns to describe him) is worthy of that.

For me personally, Id have dropped his ass in a heartbeat.



Redsunderrule -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/28/2014 1:05:35 PM)

I am done with him..and ty all. I had nowhere to go to discuss this. This was not the man I thought he was..and not the Master he touted himself to be. Funny..he is on CM giving instructions on what a good Master should be. He always said ..trust me..I will do no harm..not to your head..heart..or body. Well two out of three// lol..I will survive this darkness..but admit will be afraid to try again. I think vanilla is easier..imho D/s is so much more intimate and bonded and beautiful. But hurts so damn much when ripped apart.
Who said "The Best Revenge Is to Be Happy"?? I will try that..soon..



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/28/2014 1:54:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Redsunderrule
Who said "The Best Revenge Is to Be Happy"?? I will try that..soon..

Revenge is best served cold.
I'm glad you've dumped him - and good riddance.
Leave him out in the cold where he belongs. [:D]



FieryOpal -> RE: Betrayal of trust?? (4/28/2014 2:29:51 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Redsunderrule

I am done with him..and ty all. I had nowhere to go to discuss this. This was not the man I thought he was..and not the Master he touted himself to be. Funny..he is on CM giving instructions on what a good Master should be. He always said ..trust me..I will do no harm..not to your head..heart..or body. Well two out of three// lol..I will survive this darkness..but admit will be afraid to try again. I think vanilla is easier..imho D/s is so much more intimate and bonded and beautiful. But hurts so damn much when ripped apart.
Who said "The Best Revenge Is to Be Happy"?? I will try that..soon..

You made the right move, my dear. We'll be rooting for you and for your future happiness.

If you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to PM me on the other side. We gals gotta stick together. [:)]



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