Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior

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Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 5/4/2014 3:05:16 PM

johnnytheguy

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Have you ever had tendencies towards self-defeating and self-sabotaging behaviors?
Once there was a diagnosis called "Self-defeating personality disorder" (aka Masochistic personality disorder). But it is removed.
I am wondering how many submissives really have such tendencies outside sexual sphere.
I am talking about all sorts of behaviors that lead to undermining ourselves, avoiding success and pleasurable activities, and seeking activities that lead to pain, suffering, humiliation, failure, disillusionment or disappointment.

Do you have any of such tendencies?
If we have such tendencies in some extent how can we help ourselves?

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RE: Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 5/4/2014 4:00:27 PM

InHisHeart

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I don't have self-defeating behaviors or tendencies. I strive for success in all areas of my life but at the same time I don't kill myself by being obsessive about success. If something doesn't work out the way I would like it to and I know I did the best I can then it simply didn't work out. I don't stress myself over it and I don't beat myself up over it. I live my life to enjoy it.

I enjoy pain play to some extent, I enjoy it because it feels good to me, it's pleasurable to me, I don't engage in it as some form of self-punishment. There's a fine line between pain and pleasure and when the right person who knows what he/she is doing is the one inflicting the pain, it turns to pleasure in my experience. For me, it's not all about the physical part of whatever he's doing to inflict pain, it's so much more about the emotional part Master and I share, the connection, the closeness, the bond, the trust.

I do not like humiliation or suffering and wouldn't be with someone who would want to humiliate me or make me suffer.

If someone has self-defeating behaviors, I would suggest they get counseling to find out what's behind those behaviors, deal with and heal from whatever the core issues are.

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RE: Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 5/9/2014 11:27:38 AM

subtease2

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I highly recommend reading Games People Play by Eric Berne. Through that book I started to see that it's not what people lose but what they gain or think they gain that keeps them repeating the same patterns.

If you thumb through it at a library or book store, be sure to skim the last half of the book, too! The first part is a primer in Transactional Analysis, but the second part is basically a bunch of examples of patterns that I see in people's lives again and again. That's where the gold is. The first part is (IMO) boring theory except, if you struggle through it, you'll understand the second part so much more.

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RE: Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 5/9/2014 1:40:38 PM

DesFIP

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My therapist's line in group was always "And what are you getting from this?". Point blank, we get something from this or we would change it. You may get the comfort, cold as it is, that you are fulfilling your father's statements that you will always be a failure. Because that keeps you connected to him whereas changing would break those old, yet unhealthy, ties.

So what do you get from this that keeps you here? Once you can answer that, you can begin to change.

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RE: Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 5/9/2014 2:01:22 PM

freedomdwarf1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: johnnytheguy
Do you have any of such tendencies?

Nope. not a single one.

quote:

ORIGINAL: johnnytheguy
If we have such tendencies in some extent how can we help ourselves?

Just don't do them. Simples!

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RE: Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 5/12/2014 4:10:32 AM

ComeSitAndRelax

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Antidepressants and psychotherapy will help with self defeating behavior. It's likely that you punish yourself to atone for guilt. Discovering and treating the source of that guilt, whether it be from a chemical imbalance inducing depressive symptoms or whatever, should help.

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RE: Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 5/12/2014 5:01:54 AM

Greta75

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quote:

seeking activities that lead to pain, suffering, humiliation, failure, disillusionment or disappointment.

Can you give an example of how can you possibly be doing this?

I can't imagine anybody wants to intentionally seek activities that will lead to pain and suffering. Now kinky pain and suffering is different from real pain and suffering.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 5/12/2014 5:05:59 AM >

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RE: Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 5/12/2014 5:11:48 AM

Greta75

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quote:

My therapist's line in group was always "And what are you getting from this?". Point blank, we get something from this or we would change it. You may get the comfort, cold as it is, that you are fulfilling your father's statements that you will always be a failure. Because that keeps you connected to him whereas changing would break those old, yet unhealthy, ties.

So what do you get from this that keeps you here? Once you can answer that, you can begin to change.

This is interesting because I do have alot of angst at my parents for failing to accept and love me. As a result, they make me self-destructive. For example, when my dad refuses to sign my exam papers when I was kid, because I got 99%, instead he chose to punish me for losing the 1% and tell me how disappointed he is by my careless mistake to lose that one point, my reaction to that is to hand in blank exam papers and show him a 0% paper. Of course I will get punish for it, but I realise, the punishment is exactly the same for 0% and 99% so why should I bother with 99%? I still get caned.

And it's been a reoccuring issue in my life, I can't help myself but want to spite them, but my solution is to stay away from them and out of communication range. That way, I can just live my life without being self-destructive, because when it comes to my parents, I cannot control myself in my self-destruction. Living away from them helped me so much in focusing on what I want for myself and building my own life positively.

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RE: Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 5/12/2014 9:04:56 AM

Bhruic

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In my experience, much of self destructive behavior comes from childhood defense or coping mechanisms. They can be vital to our emotional survival when we created them, and they become habit and a part of who we are.. But later in life, when the context of childhood is gone, they can be inappropriate and destructive behaviors. Insight is a big part of being able to let go of these old coping behaviors.

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RE: Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 5/12/2014 6:26:13 PM

StrongSpirit

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The majority of Americans engage in self-defeating and self-sabotaging behaviour. ( Probably they majority of humans, but I don't have enough xp with non-americans. )

Often they are re-enforcing spirals - drinking to forget your problems caused by excessive drinking for example.

Some doms do this thing of treating everyone rudely because other people are rude to them - without realizing that their own rudeness comes first.

A psychiatrist can help you with those kind of issues. But you can also solve them on your own by changing your life radically. Sometimes just moving to another city and getting a new job will cure you of your old problems. I know one nice young lady who has wasted her life trying to take care of her sick mother. Her mother is abusive and prevents her from having any real social life. She won't get a job because she must care for her mother - even though her mother has enough money to pay for a nurse.

P.S. I do not recommend Games People Play. The author had a couple of good ideas but they blew it up into a book full of ridiculous theories that are blatantly wrong. It's in the same line as Freud or Marx - smart people who wrote interesting stuff but clearly wrong.

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RE: Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 5/12/2014 6:29:35 PM

DesFIP

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I do recommend John Bradshaw On The Family.

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RE: Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 5/12/2014 6:29:49 PM

shiftyw

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I keep everyone's expectations of me very low, intentionally.
My weight, creativity, and leadership skills are actually a lot more in my control than I let on, but being successful and failing is a lot harder of a fall for me.

Therapy has helped immensely in my case. I would suggest you find a good one and explain these urges to them.

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RE: Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 6/7/2014 5:46:42 PM

slaveoubliette

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lol are you a psychology major?

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RE: Self-defeating and self-sabotaging behavior - 6/8/2014 6:18:09 PM

preytolife

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I'm not sure actually. I've thought on it before. I really have issues with confrontation and I will actively avoid situations that make me too uncomfortable...unfortunately some situations are necessary. I think having a healthy sense of self analysis and being willing to ask for help when you need it helps a lot. I suspect that self image also feeds into the whole mess.

The entire BDSM-y community thingy tends to attract certain types of dysfunction masquerading as kinky typology.

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