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tsatske -> New Guy (5/8/2014 2:27:43 PM)
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So, I met a guy. Not on here, on OKCupid, in fact. I have been barely looking for a new man in my life. I'm awful happy with the life I lead single. But I met a guy anyway. I might have been barely looking, but I'm pretty open minded towards finding a nice guy. I've always said I could be with a vanilla, provided he was a Christian and willing to take charge of the relationship and household.
Well, he is a Christian, willing to go to church with me, pray with and over me, etc. He has never been in the lifestyle, beyond one previous lover who would let him hit her with a switch 3-4 times (as in 3-4 licks) before love making, and she just tolerated it, but didn't at all like it. Hell, he'd never had a blow job. He had a horrible sex free marriage that he stayed in till the end (He is a widow.) His wife was his first lover, and he was faithful, all subsequent lovers were after being widowed, so there's not a lot of experience, and no lifestyle experience.
He lives about 60 miles from me, and comes to see me a couple of weekends a month. We've been dating about 6 months.
He has had fantasies all his life, so he's more than willing to play. Well, sort of. He's willing to spank me, or spank me with light implements, but he's totally against leaving bruises, welts, drawing blood, or, for that matter, spank me on a Sat. night when I will be 'spending the next morning sitting on a hard pew.' He is willing to go to munches, just, with the distance between us, our schedules haven't lined up to go to one yet.
My problem really isn't with the level of play. He is just so NOT dominant. At play time he often demands that I tell him exactly what to do, what to do next, when, etc. Once he was so demanding that I decide rather he should have a blowjob first or spank me first that we got into a near-fight. Then I decided I was not being very submissive, all he wanted was enthusiastic consent, I decided, so I asked him to spank me. After this drawn out disagreement about setting the scene, which he essentially won, I asked him to spank me, turned over, and he asked 'with what first?'. I turned back over and said I was never going to get into the head space tonight, and I gave him a blow job and went to sleep.
The truth is, the play is not too light. I have been a major maso in past relationships, but it's been about 5 years since I was in such a relationship. But I've never been good at bottoming. I can't get in the right headspace to enjoy pain without feeling dominated. So I almost never reach that headspace with him, so the light play we do is often hard for me to handle, pain wise. The one or two times that I have reached a good headspace and really got off on the pain, he really liked that. He talks about it, and about wanting to re-achieve that. But if I have to keep telling him, each time we play, to spank me for 15 minutes and then switch to his belt.... that headspace is not going to happen. because I don't care much if he spanks me for 15 minutes or starts with his belt, or anything else, as long as I don't have to be in control.
sex is not really the issue. Play is just sex and it's meant to bolster the relationship, not be the center of it. The problem is his absolute refusal to make the simplest decision. Where to go eat. Rather to go eat. Which road to take to get there. I make all social arrangements. Last time he was here, it was for Easter, and we went out on Saturday to drive to the church where I go to sunrise service, because it's different than my normal church, and usually I ride with someone else in the past, and I wanted us to be able to find it at 6:a. I suggested we stop at a local outdoor stand restaurant for dinner. He knows I was looking forward to that place opening for spring and was happy to go there with me. In fact, he's always happy to do anything I suggest. On the way home, I said, 'You can avoid the highway by taking the route we took yesterday, which is coming up on your right, or the highway is a block past that.' He refused to make a decision. He asked what I wanted to do. Then he does what he generally does when I refuse to make a decision for him - he got me to repeat the options, and did the first one I listed. He does this often enough that it is very noticeable.
On the other hand, he does not take hints well, though he expects me to. He has to be told things very directly, even things that I am only suggesting because he has hinted that he would like to do them. He has told me several times how much he wold enjoy bringing me flowers and asked me on several different occasions if I would like, or be okay with him doing that. On a recent trip to the grocery, I pointed out in the floral department that they currently had flowers on clearance. I said, 'If you want to buy me flowers, get them when they are on clearance.' I didn't get flowers. I can tell you assuredly, though, that if I had said 'Please buy me flowers' He would have been delighted. Though I'm sure he would have made me select them.
I've talked to him about rituals that I find meaningful, enjoyable, or nice. Generally he is okay with them. I do them. He doesn't seem to notice. I also go out of my way to do things that he does mention. When I talk about things I do for him as a 'service', he is uncomfortable with the language, as he is with the words 'Master' and 'slave'. well, that's fine, I know other people who are uncomfortable with those 2 words.
He is very firm that he wants an egalitarian relationship. My problems in this relationship are two fold. I don't feel like I'm in an egalitarian relationship - I feel like I'm in charge. And, 2, I don't want an egalitarian relationship, I want to relinquish control. Is this going to get better when we can start going to munches and parties and he meets nice people who are into the things he fantasizes about? because he has ideas about the kind of people who do this, and they aren't nice ideas. He seems to be very impressed with himself for not being an asshole - he says, 'If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't care what you thought or listen to you or care if you enjoyed it', etc, and I reply that in that case I wouldn't be with him.
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