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just friends - 5/12/2014 7:38:39 AM

RobMo13

Posts: 11
Joined: 11/24/2013
Status: offline

I would like to have friends in the BDSM community that have similar interests in a platonic way. Is it possible? Im married but we hardly do anything together anymore. I do most everything solo. Im not specifying gender, orientation or dom/sub? Just wondering if possible? I'd love to have friends outside of work with similar interests. I run/cycle, attend sporting events but almost always alone.
I know its wrong as far as wife would see it but wtf, why should I drive hours to see a game, etc alone? Few times shes gone, she complains as time gets close, we argue on the way and inevitable have to leave early.

Alright I'm ready to hear feedback from the other side. tell me how wrong i am. Sometimes good to be put in check
Just suck it up.
Rob

Post #: 1

RE: just friends - 5/12/2014 7:44:39 AM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline

Don't cheat. It never goes well.

That is all.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to RobMo13)

Post #: 2

RE: just friends - 5/12/2014 7:54:35 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff
Don't cheat. It never goes well.

That is all.

I second this!
Never ever cheat. Very very few in the community like cheaters.

And, FWIW, apart from hoes and Pros, I don't know of anyone in the community that would do anything in a purely 'platonic' way and for most people, even platonic would be deemed as cheating.
I see you have two choices: Suck it up or seek a divorce.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Post #: 3

RE: just friends - 5/12/2014 8:04:16 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
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And she *will* find out.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 4

RE: just friends - 5/12/2014 8:19:23 AM

Toysinbabeland

Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
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Rob,
if you aren't happy in your present situation, you can change that.
But can she?
why should she have to put up with your cheating?
why should she have to put up with your deceit?
isn't it better to bite the bullet and remove her from your life so that you can live the way you want to?

_____________________________

*Smitten fox* that's all you need.

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Post #: 5

RE: just friends - 5/12/2014 8:40:58 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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Why would she object to platonic friends?

If you want to make some friends in the kink community, that's what munches are for. Friendly gatherings in vanilla environments to make friends.

If you're just looking for someone to watch sports with who isn't surprised that you're kinky, I don't understand why she would think it's wrong?

If you are looking for someone to have kinky playtimes with then yeh... what the others said about cheating. If you're in a relationship where having any sort of friend is considered a bad thing, then not knowing other kinky folks is the least of your issues.

_____________________________

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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to RobMo13)

Post #: 6

RE: just friends - 5/12/2014 8:57:23 AM

RobMo13

Posts: 11
Joined: 11/24/2013
Status: offline

Thanks. Just tired of arguing whenever doing something I want to do or doing alone. I think I'll just stick to offering free passes to events i can't attend or giving away at the events. I really have no interest in cheating. Im late 40s and its just.not that important. I sell extra tickets to sporting events. Its really just the extras like the football draft party the other day that go to waste. There have been some great events though that end up wasted. But better that then causing unnecessary problems.
Thanks for letting me discuss. Sometimes sounds clearer than thinking to self with nobody listening.

I do think you can have platonic friends if nobody is searching for more. I think it would be a welcome change to have friends outside of work.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 7

RE: just friends - 5/12/2014 9:00:58 AM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
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I agree with everyone on do not cheat.

I also agree with AthenaSurrenders on having platonic friends. If having friends (whether kinky or not) is an issue with your wife, finding kinky friends is the least of your worries.

IMO, yes kinky folks can be platonic friends even when they're opposite sex and/or a Dom and a sub being friends. The friendship should be in the open with your partner and not kept a secret. If you're doing nothing wrong then there's no reason to hide the friendship.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to RobMo13)

Post #: 8

RE: just friends - 5/12/2014 9:01:55 AM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline

Platonic friends would, in theory, be great providing your wife knows, and you truly do not have other motives.

In my opinion, if someone is very unhappy in their marriage, so much so that they seek out others for emotional connections, it usually ends up in an emotional breach of trust in the very least.

But maybe not in your case.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to RobMo13)

Post #: 9

RE: just friends - 5/12/2014 9:30:25 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

I agree with InHisHeart.

I have, over the years, had many platonic friendships with folks who happen to be kinky. In fact, that would pretty much sum up what it is I'm open to now.

As long as you are honest with your wife, let her meet these platonic friends so that everything is transparent....

although (unless you are bisexual -assuming you are a male), why not just find men who are kinky to join you at games and such?

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(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Post #: 10

RE: just friends - 5/12/2014 11:52:46 PM

BecomingV

Posts: 916
Joined: 11/11/2013
Status: offline

Loneliness is natural when going through the heartache of extricating one's self from a marriage.

Please understand that if you choose the deceitful, selfish, betrayal path, your loneliness will only get deeper.

The good news is that you are at a crossroads. You can create a life that fits you best now. You can treat yourself to a new social circle. You can leave a woman whom you no longer feel married to.

Or, there's the path of self-degradation. CHEATERS STEAL CHOICES. Mainly, the little cowards steal the choice from their partners - to reject them. Whose spouse would treat them the same if they knew the truth? While that's vile towards others, the self-degradation comes in when the person decides to become THAT KIND of human. Ewww.

Lots of vanilla newbies come here thinking that kinky = immoral. Soooooo wrong! No, vanilla principles of honesty, fairness and respect apply.

Even now, I would not attempt to befriend you because your profile shows that you soft-pedaled (misrepresented) your rejection of your wife and of your marriage.

What's going on here is based on mutually earned trust. (Even if that means, hey, I'm married and I want to cheat with kinky people.) Most will reject that, but there are a few whom will respond to that.

Your subsequent post appears to be advertising free tickets, as if you have to buy friendship or company.

Just be real.

(in reply to RobMo13)

Post #: 11

RE: just friends - 5/13/2014 2:06:38 AM

RobMo13

Posts: 11
Joined: 11/24/2013
Status: offline

I have no need to cheat. if s looking to cheat, I wouldn't be open about my situation.
I wiuld rather give away tickets to an event I cannot attend or sell. Otherwise wasted.

(in reply to BecomingV)

Post #: 12

RE: just friends - 5/13/2014 2:46:37 AM

shadeemry

Posts: 10
Joined: 5/22/2010
Status: offline

if separation/cheating is something your considering; consider this.

As with a previous post, it may just be better to bite the bullet, but also look at loss vs gain. Literally, make a list, weigh it, then safe deposit it, then think about it for a week and do it again and see if it changes. if so, it may be healthier for you to either discuss it with her, get her involved, or take the pain now, and explain that it may be best for both parties.

I faced a like minded situation once, and it ended in us as parting as friends from marriage. 3 years later, she was happy and so was I, instead of the alternative, both miserable. It takes alot to move with either choice, but don't tip the king from options, don't seek someone's opinion, nor anything rash. weigh it out, or do as I call and "Feel" it out. that is my 2 cents.

with that said, don't bring yourself down to a point where your self integrity is jeopardized for a day of happiness? that may not even last a day? keep your honor, and in the long run, it will pay off, as well as being a pleasant reminder to yourself of your integrity.

(in reply to RobMo13)

Post #: 13

RE: just friends - 5/13/2014 2:50:07 AM

shadeemry

Posts: 10
Joined: 5/22/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

I agree with InHisHeart.

I have, over the years, had many platonic friendships with folks who happen to be kinky. In fact, that would pretty much sum up what it is I'm open to now.

As long as you are honest with your wife, let her meet these platonic friends so that everything is transparent....

although (unless you are bisexual -assuming you are a male), why not just find men who are kinky to join you at games and such?

and good times to be had :)

I second this, my current wife encourages it, and likes the diversity, with safe practices

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 14

RE: just friends - 5/13/2014 4:22:50 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I am sorry you're lonely. It sounds to me like she's bitter about something.

Normally, I'd suggest counseling to get to the root of the problem. Im this case, I'd suggest first simply reaching out to her. Come home some evening with a pizza or other prepared meal, and give her a 'her' night. A video and cuddling, whatever she would like.

My hunch is that she feels that sports is 'your' thing, and she resents it.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to shadeemry)

Post #: 15

RE: just friends - 5/13/2014 4:45:16 AM

BecomingV

Posts: 916
Joined: 11/11/2013
Status: offline

I think it's good that you clarified those points. The way you had it written didn't represent you well.

(in reply to RobMo13)

Post #: 16

RE: just friends - 5/13/2014 4:50:08 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
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FR~

Whilst I applaud the idea of a platonic addition to the dynamic as many of you have done successfully.
It would only work if both sides were reading from the same page in the same book.

Alas, from OP's first post, it doesn't look that way in his particular relationship.
He states "Im married but we hardly do anything together anymore. I do most everything solo".
That, to me, would probably spell disaster if he brought in a 3rd person in such circumstances.

Sadly, without some super-human effort on both sides, I think his current relationship is on the way out.
Which is why I suggested he either sucks it up (and works on his marriage) or lets her go with a divorce.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 17

RE: just friends - 5/13/2014 7:26:09 AM

RobMo13

Posts: 11
Joined: 11/24/2013
Status: offline

Thanks all. Im taking advise. Fine going as is and no use adding an appearance of wrong doing. Eventually will be n position to make new friends without any concerns. But when that happens i would like to make just friends.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 18

RE: just friends - 5/13/2014 8:04:49 AM

Rasciallymisty

Posts: 5749
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline

So many do not get that people can be JUST friends if its with the opposite sex. I can say for the last two years I have made some wonderful friends who I can share and do things with and no sex ever comes into mind. Since I am single and some of my friends are married....the spouse agrees before we do anything together. I love to hike and have a friend who is very married....his wife hates hiking so he and I do so together. His wife and I are not friends but we have meet and have talked a few times. So do not give up on looking for friends...not everyone sees it as cheating when its just a friends ship. Keep playing and sex out of the mix and a great time can be had.

< Message edited by Rasciallymisty -- 5/13/2014 8:08:38 AM >

_____________________________

~misty~

Been here since 2004

Fear has two meanings: "Forget Everything And Run" or "Face Everything And Rise." The choice is yours!!!!!

(in reply to RobMo13)

Post #: 19

RE: just friends - 5/13/2014 8:35:23 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rasciallymisty

So many do not get that people can be JUST friends if its with the opposite sex. I can say for the last two years I have made some wonderful friends who I can share and do things with and no sex ever comes into mind.

Did you miss OP's opening sentence??
"I would like to have friends in the BDSM community that have similar interests in a platonic way"

We aren't talking sports or playing cards or hiking or many other non-sexual pursuits.
OP is talking about BDSM - much of which is either very sexual, has sexual connotations, or scene playing.
Now add the "opposite sex" into that scenario and there isn't much left within BDSM that wouldn't be construed as extremely personal, sexual, or somewhere pretty close to 'cheating' for a lot of people.
Given OP's position where he is finding himself alone a lot of the time, his OH isn't singing the same song as he is so I can see this being viewed as cheating by his OH even if he tries to be open and transparent about it.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to Rasciallymisty)

Post #: 20

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