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RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 5:57:35 PM

angelikaJ

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Welcome to CollarMe/collarchat, BeautifulLotus.

It is good to see you posting here.

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RE: Advice Please? - 5/12/2014 6:06:35 PM

BeautifulLotus

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Thanks Angelika! It's good to be here.

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RE: Advice Please? - 5/15/2014 1:51:33 PM

orgasmdenial12

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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautifulLotus

I thought about creating another profile and putting in his general description, but at this point, I'm pretty tired. And although I'm a bundle of nerves about this, I need to step back and be more realistic...he's either going to contact me again or not. But I won't spend anymore time playing detective. It's becoming so not worth it. It's draining me.

So glad to see you are against this idea/ in my opinion. one does not fight dishonesty by being dishonest!!

Except that you can. I've known two cheaters that were discovered this way (one mine, one a friend's). It is not better to allow yourself to be lied to - it is a waste of life, a waste of emotion, it is a heartbreak. I truly do not understand it when people say it is better not to check up on a person, who wants to let themselves be lied to? I don't.

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RE: Advice Please? - 5/15/2014 4:44:16 PM

BeautifulLotus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautifulLotus

I thought about creating another profile and putting in his general description, but at this point, I'm pretty tired. And although I'm a bundle of nerves about this, I need to step back and be more realistic...he's either going to contact me again or not. But I won't spend anymore time playing detective. It's becoming so not worth it. It's draining me.

So glad to see you are against this idea/ in my opinion. one does not fight dishonesty by being dishonest!!

Except that you can. I've known two cheaters that were discovered this way (one mine, one a friend's). It is not better to allow yourself to be lied to - it is a waste of life, a waste of emotion, it is a heartbreak. I truly do not understand it when people say it is better not to check up on a person, who wants to let themselves be lied to? I don't.

I just re-read my thread...I forgot to say that I have already run a background, but came up empty for marriage/divorce records....can't seem to find anything on him...I did have his work number that he called from, but I didn't ask to speak to him..just verified that he does indeed work on a rig.
I heard from him yesterday morning...says he should be back after this weekend, so we shall see....

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RE: Advice Please? - 5/15/2014 6:43:37 PM

catize

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What I don't see is this; if you have to be dishonest to find out the truth, how are you any better than the liar/cheater?

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RE: Advice Please? - 5/15/2014 8:06:44 PM

BeautifulLotus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

What I don't see is this; if you have to be dishonest to find out the truth, how are you any better than the liar/cheater?

On this I agree. I don't think running a background check on anyone is being dishonest...in fact, I would recommend it to someone like me...new on the scene....there are lots of men out there that look for newbies like me and they're not just out to lie to me to get me bed; so not just to discover if someone is married, but to check criminal history, etc. But as for creating another profile for the purposes of obfuscating one's identity...naw...that's just too stalker-ish to me. And there's plenty of fish...

I heard from him yesterday morning and his story sounds "plausible"...the best thing to do is just ask him. If he's truthful great. If he's lying, it will catch up to him eventually..and then he'll be sad cause I won't have anything to do with him.
The best advice I've gotten so far is to harden my heart and keep my intuition awake. I'm going with that option, and of course being upfront and truthful is always the best way, IMO.

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RE: Advice Please? - 5/15/2014 8:16:23 PM

Blonderfluff

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As a civilian, any background check info that you have access to is just about useless. My fear is that in using THAT as criteria for someone being honest is that it will lull you into a false sense of security.

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RE: Advice Please? - 5/15/2014 8:39:43 PM

DominantWoman65

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I'm curious, are you going to tell him that you ran a background check on him?

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RE: Advice Please? - 5/16/2014 4:33:21 AM

BeautifulLotus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantWoman65

I'm curious, are you going to tell him that you ran a background check on him?

Good Morning!

And I'm about to make this a moot post:
As one of the wise and lovely ladies told me here a few days ago "pay attention to those little feelings." Something still wasn't sitting right.
The story he told me was that there was an accident on a rig in Canada and his "boss wanted him to fly up and help with the investigation."
So, I'm searching the net, searching the net, searching the net...not one single story has come across ANY WIRE with details of this alleged accident. His version as of two days ago, "4 injured, two died." Surely, there would be a story on this S O M E P L A C E?! The only story I could find was a helicopter crash where 4 people were killed....IN GHANA.
Now I don't know about you, but I could never confuse Canada with Ghana...It's impossible.

Second thing I'm aware of is, accidents of this nature are always reported and there is usually ALWAYS some type of news story giving particulars, but there's nothing out there matching his description of this "accident." And I MEAN NOTHING. His first email with this story came in on May 3rd....the Ghana accident happened on May 8th...so unless he's psychic...lol

So to answer your question: Yes, I was going to tell him I ran a background check on him and give him my reasons why. And had I done so earlier, this thread would've been dead.
But another red flag was that I was not able to find ONE SINGLE THING about him in my search...I have several family members in law enforcement and could've asked them to run a second check for me. Glad I didn't.

Now there's no need to tell him anything. The answer was staring me in the face all along. The reason it took me SOOO long... I was simply waiting to see if perhaps there was a lag time between the event and the reporting of it.
But we all know that things of this nature are reported right away. For there to be no information for 2wks would mean a cover-up of the highest magnitude.
Yea, what was covered up was his BS..LOL

So, once all the pieces clicked into place, I copied his original "accident" email, pasted into a new one with the words YOU'RE MARRIED in big bold letters at the top.

What surprises me is that he was able to concoct such an elaborate lie...LOL...I'm truly astounded at the depth and sweeping nature of it. I suppose I should feel flattered that he would go to such lengths to "catch" me...but in truth, I feel sorry for him. Doesn't excuse his behavior, just makes him a spirit of pity.

Not to worry....won't be pitying his butt for long. This was a really good learning experience...I've made some personal breakthroughs that are going to allow me to continue on my journey. I'm not afraid. I'm not upset and I'm ready to move forward.

Welp...that's my story. I'm sticking to it. And it's been interesting to say the least.

Again, thank you ladies for hanging in there with me, your advice, compassion and empathy is most appreciated.

Gotta run. Have a great day!

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Try her and you will see LIFE from new heights, fear her and you will cheat yourself, Love her and she will protect, support, encourage, please, work, submit and serve you on her knees forever. "The Virgo Woman"

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RE: Advice Please? - 5/16/2014 5:08:35 AM

DaddySatyr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantWoman65

I'm curious, are you going to tell him that you ran a background check on him?

I'm pretty sure the OP asked this guy some of the questions about which he was dishonest but, I just wanted to chime in on the whole background check thing.

I tend to be pretty informative, when I'm getting to know someone. In fact, I'm sure some wish they could get me to shut up (either that or they're the type that doesn't listen but, they're just waiting for their next turn to talk) but, here's my issue:

If a lady does a background check on me without asking me those questions that she has, first, we're done. Right then and there. I understand if the questions are asked and the answers don't seem to jibe. That's one thing.

But, if it's a matter of an absolutely (sneaky) inability to believe another person, they're not only not a good match for me but, I would suggest some counseling.

Having said that, you'll excuse me. I just got a call from my case agent with the CIA and I have to go to ... well ... I can't tell you where I'm going but I have to go and ... Hmmmmm ... I can't tell you that, either. Ummmmm, I have to go and walk the dog of an old high school friend who lives in the Himalayas. There's no cell or interwebz service so I'll contact y'all in a few weeks.

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 5/16/2014 5:09:44 AM >

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RE: Advice Please? - 5/16/2014 5:53:24 AM

BeautifulLotus

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DaddySatyr:

You are correct in some aspects.

However, if one asks all the questions, but still does not get the truth, what would you suggest? IMO, I feel that things are a bit more different for subs, particularly women, as we are offering to give control of our bodies to another. I would think that not being thorough in one's information gathering could put one in serious harm. There are some very bad people out there who use BDSM to do horrible, despicable things. I'm simply thankful that I never met him face-2-face.

Believe me, I wanted to believe in him. I wanted to trust him. We were really clicking. We were able to "click" because he got me to trust him and reveal things about myself.
He built upon it and worked it to perfection.
But that little voice inside me kept saying that something wasn't right. I did ask him up front at the very beginning, and he PROMISED me that he was single. I went with that for a bit because I WANTED TO BELIEVE...but again that voice was telling me otherwise.

What really set the bells ringing were these series of events occurring:

1. The site on which I met him, he suddenly deactivated his profile.
2. He said that he worked two weeks on/off and surprise, he's been absent for exactly two weeks.
3. When I asked him for his cell/phone number, he never gave it. He called me from his work number. The ONLY THING I was able to verify with my check was that he did indeed work on a rig, so that part was true.
(I have found that people tend to weave a bit of truth hidden in a lie. The key is figuring out what's true and what's false)
4. During this entire 2wk absence, the ONLY time he responded to my emails was when I told him I was walking away. This leads me to believe that he responded only to keep me around.
And I fell for it. No shame in saying that.

These events, along with the absence of a story correlating to his, gives me reason to think:
1. His is not who he claims to be.
2. The name he gave me is fake.
3. His pictures were fake.
4. His "life story" is fake.
5. HE'S FAKE.

Emotional manipulation can be just as damaging as physical. And truly, I'm sure that there are some Doms out there that have had the wool pulled over their eyes. Whether or not a person chooses to do a background check is a personal thing, but I don't feel it means that therapy is in order. IMO it just means that the person doing a check is trying to be absolutely sure the person they're dealing with is on the up-&-up, and even then, one can still be fooled. Nothing paranoid about it. Safety first.
And who am I to say that anyone who chooses to do a check is incorrect for doing so or flawed in some manner...naw... to me, that implies that the person is being cautious, careful and prudent.

For sure, in a perfect world, one would have no need to run background checks on a person. However, this is not a perfect world.
The D/s dynamic is such that one is putting their entire trust in another individual, so would it not be prudent to check facts if necessary? Had he been honest, as he claimed to be, that little voice would never have surfaced. And all would be well.

Your statement that having to do such a thing would mean that the person is not the one is the MOST TRUTHFUL FACT.
He was NOT THE ONE.

I am really glad to hear your perspective as a male on this subject as I was feeling somewhat guilty for doing a check. However, that guilt didn't last long because the reality is, my gut was right and now I won't have to waste anymore time with this poser. I can continue on my journey.
Life is too short for BS

< Message edited by BeautifulLotus -- 5/16/2014 5:56:25 AM >

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Try her and you will see LIFE from new heights, fear her and you will cheat yourself, Love her and she will protect, support, encourage, please, work, submit and serve you on her knees forever. "The Virgo Woman"

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RE: Advice Please? - 5/16/2014 6:00:19 AM

BeautifulLotus

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And yea...

Hit me up when you get back from your super, ultra, top-secret, black ops mission! LOL

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RE: Advice Please? - 5/16/2014 6:16:12 AM

DaddySatyr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautifulLotus

And yea...

Hit me up when you get back from your super, ultra, top-secret, black ops mission! LOL

I agree that if you ask the questions and something just doesn't seem right then, by all means, an investigation is okay.

That said; I was really more on about some people doing them without even offering a person a chance to be honest (or lie, I guess, depending on point of view).

I agree that a lady who is submissive is giving up quite a bit but, I have to "bring you up short" a bit; do you think dominants don't also take some risks? While they may not be physical, per se, there are risks.

There's emotions. There's one's house getting broken into (true story and she used her 9 year old son to crawl into the window and open the door for her. Who says parents don't teach their children, anymore?).

Actually, I don't share this often but I will, here. The dangers to dominants can also be physical. Because I was taught that a gentleman never raises a hand to a lady, my ex-wife was able to thump on me with impunity for quite some time. She knew I wouldn't return the favor.

By the way, the trip has changed. Now, I'm just taking a quick trip on the space shuttle to fix a solar panel on the international spa ... Ummmmm, I'm going to a family reunion.

ETA: There was one more thing: I think part of my message got confused. You said:

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautifulLotus

Your statement that having to do such a thing would mean that the person is not the one is the MOST TRUTHFUL FACT.
He was NOT THE ONE.

What I said was:

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

If a lady does a background check on me without asking me those questions that she has, first, we're done. Right then and there. I understand if the questions are asked and the answers don't seem to jibe. That's one thing.

But, if it's a matter of an absolutely (sneaky) inability to believe another person, they're not only not a good match for me but, I would suggest some counseling.

I agree that dishonesty is cause for concern but from my end an "automatic wall of mis-trust" is a non-starter.

Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 5/16/2014 6:21:16 AM >

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RE: Advice Please? - 5/16/2014 6:35:47 AM

BeautifulLotus

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quote:

but, I have to "bring you up short" a bit; do you think dominants don't also take some risks? While they may not be physical, per se, there are risks.

There's emotions. There's one's house getting broken into (true story and she used her 9 year old son to crawl into the window and open the door for her. Who says parents don't teach their children, anymore?).

What I said was:

quote:

And truly, I'm sure that there are some Doms out there that have had the wool pulled over their eyes.

So yea, we're on the same page on this.

You:

quote:

I agree that dishonesty is cause for concern but from my end an "automatic wall of mis-trust" is a non-starter.

I'm going to tell you that I am deeply suspicious people. I recognize this in myself and am upfront about it. I had long conversations with Mr. Poser about it.
Since I do have an issue with trust, it took a lot on my part to break down walls and allow him in.
And I got duped.

The beauty of the whole thing is that in dealing with all the drama, the lies, the self doubt about doubting, I was able to make a major break-through within myself. And no matter that this situation occurred, I'm rather grateful for meeting him. The situation put me in a place waaay out of my comfort zone. I was able to push through and trust anyway...for a bit.
And it's not as though I did not give him every opportunity to deal fairly with me.

Now, about your trip to the Space Station....while you're there, when you take your first spacewalk, can you grab me some stardust?