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A noob's questions - 5/14/2014 9:09:25 PM   
Causeynot


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/13/2014
Status: offline 		Right so, I'm new to all of this, as you can see on my profile I had a sub girlfriend who got me interested in being a dom and while just bored out of my mind I checked this page out.
My question is what do subs look for in doms, what are the most common mistakes new doms make, and is there anything in particular that I shouldn't do?
-causeynot
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: A noob's questions - 5/14/2014 9:16:23 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		Welcome to CollarMe and (now) CollarChat!

You'll find loads of interesting people on the profile side (CollarMe) and lots of interesting people and great discussion topics, here.

I am going to answer your questions generally but, I have to tell you: we get questions like this all the time.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Causeynot

My question is what do subs look for in doms, what are the most common mistakes new doms make, and is there anything in particular that I shouldn't do?
-causeynot



It's really more simple than you think. Different submissive ladies look for different things so, there's really no definitive answer to the first part.

One of the biggest mistakes newbs make is to want to pigeonhole every one. While the labels are helpful in giving a general idea about a person, they are not good measures of individuals, who require intense investigation that is particular to them.

The only thing you shouldn't do here is judge people.

You're off to a decent start. You'll do fine. Hang back, ask questions, interact with people. Some old timer might even take you under their wing.



Good luck,



Michael







Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 5/14/2014 9:17:36 PM >

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to Causeynot)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: A noob's questions - 5/14/2014 10:02:43 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Causeynot

My question is what do subs look for in doms, what are the most common mistakes new doms make, and is there anything in particular that I shouldn't do?


Not a sub, but I'll give you my 2-cents' worth:

1. Subs look for leadership and authority. Think calm assertiveness. Do you have your act together? sufficiently enough for her to gain trust, respect and confidence in you for your sub's well-being and safety.

2. Most common mistakes Dominants can make is to confuse Dominance with being domineering. Overkill. Playing a role instead of being yourself. Lack of integrity, not keeping your word, or not being honest. Poor communications skills. Sending mixed signals or not being consistent.

3. Don't be stupid and unsafe. If your sub has more experience, skill or talent in an area, make use of it and don't hesitate to LEARN from your sub. Hone your techniques. Don't take your sub for granted, the same as any other intimate partner. She is the other side of your coin.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Causeynot)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: A noob's questions - 5/14/2014 10:03:35 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

Hello

I cannot answer your first question because each submissive is a unique person. So what one submissive looks for in a dominant may not be what another submissive is looking for. Figure out what sort of dominant YOU are and then seek a compatible partner based on that.

A newbie mistake I see a lot is the assumption that you have to be or act a certain way. There is no "one twue way" when it comes to this. There is the way you and your do your thing...and that is as true as it gets.

The thing you shouldn't do is equate being dominant with being an asshole. This is more of a general YOU and not directed at you personally, OP.

Don't be too proud or über dominant to not seek out ways of gaining education in the things you get into. There is no shame in "going to school" on subjects related to what it is we do.

I wish you luck on your journey too

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 5/14/2014 10:06:09 PM >

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: A noob's questions - 5/15/2014 12:52:16 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		OP, I just noticed you're only 18, and you say your ex-girlfriend "a few years back" introduced you into becoming a Dom. Really? You were a Dom at, say, 16? If anything, you were a Top to her bottom.

You just started college. Submissive college girls will be looking for an older, more experienced Dominant male. Your best bet, in whatever spare time you aren't devoting to your studies, is to get out into your local BDSM community, start attending munches, and find a more experienced play partner to show you the ropes--literally. You are not yet a Dominant, but good luck on being a Dom-in-the-making.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Causeynot)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: A noob's questions - 5/15/2014 12:58:22 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		Wow, FO! Way to be judgmental and all.

This person, even at the tender young age of 18 might indeed have many of the attributes that some might be looking for in a dominant.

Age really is just a number.

Look, OP; The part about just starting college and some of the younger ladies preferring older gentleman is probably correct but no matter what else you do in this life: be who you are. Follow your moral code. Allow others to change your mind only after careful reflection upon the evidence they offer.

Living our lives, by our standards is partially what makes us dominants.







Screen captures still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: A noob's questions - 5/15/2014 1:12:25 AM   
OriginalRebel


Posts: 93
Joined: 4/18/2014
Status: offline 		I agree with Satyr, You don't need a qualification or be a certain age before you call yourself a dominant. If you feel that domination over a consensual adult is a big part of your makeup, then dominant you likely are.

We all learn and continue to learn on our journey through this lifestyle. Every time we get a new partner we go on a new learning curve.

I suggest you get yourself into a younger group of BDSMers. Go to under 35 munches in your area, attend clubs and don't turn down invites to private parties.

Like Fiery Opal says, think 'calm assertive'.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: A noob's questions - 5/15/2014 1:23:41 AM   
epiphiny43


Posts: 688
Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline 		As they say, you can be dominant at any age. What isn't 'instant' is being a Master, IMHO. That takes some time and aptitude. Though you wouldn't know it looking at profiles here and fetlife. If you are looking for your first sub/slave, claiming to be a Master just gets giggles and grins?

< Message edited by epiphiny43 -- 5/15/2014 1:24:39 AM >

(in reply to OriginalRebel)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: A noob's questions - 5/15/2014 1:57:41 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr


This person, even at the tender young age of 18 might indeed have many of the attributes that some might be looking for in a dominant.


Now you, on the other hand, I can believe started out young! I can see you with an older lady back then.

But come on, a 16-year-old or younger Dominant whose EX-GIRLFRIEND, MANY YEARS BEFORE SHE GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL, TAUGHT HIM HOW TO BE A DOMINANT.
A naturally Dominant personality would have been taking the lead from the very start with a peer. She was no Mrs. Robinson.
So yes, I made my mini-assessment based on these factors.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: A noob's questions - 5/15/2014 2:35:25 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Subs look for the same things dominants do; integrity, honesty, communication skills, relationship skills, a proven history of good decision making.
However I think the op is talking about kinky fuckery. In which case you need to be a likeable person who women will enjoy having sex with and you need to have a lot of competence with your topping skills.

Now some things, like spanking, require very little education. Just avoid the tailbone with your hand and you'll be alright.

Other things, like bullwhips, can easily require a year's worth of practice so you won't open the skin and cause permanent damage.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: A noob's questions - 5/15/2014 3:16:09 AM   
Causeynot


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/13/2014
Status: offline 		Thanks, I will keep everything said in mind.
Now in response to a few things said (just to avoid speculation), I have always had a dominant personality in general, it is just that I never really had bdsm in mind for my relationships at the time (I was in high school). She mainly got me INTERESTED in actually trying another relationship like that again. I know that she couldn't have possibly shown me every thing about being a dom in the 2 years we dated minus the time we did not do any of this, but that's just my background in this. All I'm trying to do really is learn the ropes for now.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: A noob's questions - 5/15/2014 7:27:52 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

Now you, on the other hand, I can believe started out young! I can see you with an older lady back then.

But come on, a 16-year-old or younger Dominant whose EX-GIRLFRIEND, MANY YEARS BEFORE SHE GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL, TAUGHT HIM HOW TO BE A DOMINANT.
A naturally Dominant personality would have been taking the lead from the very start with a peer. She was no Mrs. Robinson.
So yes, I made my mini-assessment based on these factors.



LOL My lady was indeed, a lady of color and she was 18. My eldest son (may God rest his soul) was born two months and eight days before my fifteenth birthday.

That was kind of my point. There are some that aren't necessarily all that immature by age 18.

I wish the guy would come back to the thread so we can get some info ...







Screen captures still RULE Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: A noob's questions - 5/15/2014 8:04:22 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

LOL My lady was indeed, a lady of color and she was 18. My eldest son (may God rest his soul) was born two months and eight days before my fifteenth birthday.

That was kind of my point. There are some that aren't necessarily all that immature by age 18.

I wish the guy would come back to the thread so we can get some info ...


Wow, talk about the early bird. But I think you might also agree that those of our generation tended to mature faster than these younger generation(s), take on adult responsibilities sooner. (We spoiled and coddled them too much. )

Well, OP did clarify to some extent. No matter how you look at it, though, 2 years or less does not equate to "many." I'm inclined to agree with DesFIP re 'kinky fuckery.' Skull-fucking does not a Dominant make (or light spankings, etc.), nor does anal--that still falls in the vanilla sexual realm. Just sayin'...

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: A noob's questions - 5/15/2014 8:09:10 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Causeynot

Thanks, I will keep everything said in mind.
Now in response to a few things said (just to avoid speculation), I have always had a dominant personality in general, it is just that I never really had bdsm in mind for my relationships at the time (I was in high school). She mainly got me INTERESTED in actually trying another relationship like that again. I know that she couldn't have possibly shown me every thing about being a dom in the 2 years we dated minus the time we did not do any of this, but that's just my background in this. All I'm trying to do really is learn the ropes for now.


I think you are gonna be a great dominant in the making, because you are humble and willing to learn to what it takes to be great dominant.

Happy doming ahead! My only advice is, learn about the psychology of what motivates another human to be willing to do anything for you. If you can master that skill, you will be a good dominant and with a happy submissive.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 5/15/2014 8:11:44 AM >

(in reply to Causeynot)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: A noob's questions - 5/15/2014 8:38:21 AM   
Causeynot


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/13/2014
Status: offline 		I know 2 years isn't really many (I actually said a few) at the same time, yeah I guess it was probably just kinky fuckery. It was mainly just spanking, bit of choking, a lot of anal, and one outdoor sex where I admittedly took her clothes and ran. (I did go back to give her back her clothes) nothing really extreme.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: A noob's questions - 5/15/2014 9:42:19 AM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Causeynot

I know 2 years isn't really many (I actually said a few) at the same time, yeah I guess it was probably just kinky fuckery. It was mainly just spanking, bit of choking, a lot of anal, and one outdoor sex where I admittedly took her clothes and ran. (I did go back to give her back her clothes) nothing really extreme.

Actually your profile comes across quite well, and a reference to having many years' experience as a Dominant isn't there any longer. Not to get nit-picky (blame it on mild OCD), but 2 or less years is still not "a few years" you have in two places. Two is a couple and less than two, isn't.

The good news is that other than a prospective sub's expectations, how much BDSM activity or how many such activities you've engaged in is not relevant to D/s. Your taking charge of the relationship and consensually implementing this dynamic is what determines whether you are the Dominant. There's nothing wrong with starting out as a bedroom Dominant, so don't feel as though your options are limited. Your sub may choose to be a bedroom submissive or your play partner bottom, and not want you to control her in her everyday life.

Like Greta remarked, you have the right attitude, and you have plenty of time to learn and explore. Every s-type is different and so is every D-type.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Causeynot)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: A noob's questions - 5/15/2014 10:49:50 AM   
Causeynot


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/13/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

Actually your profile comes across quite well, and a reference to having many years' experience as a Dominant isn't there any longer.


I actually haven't modified my profile since I wrote it, I never said I had many years of experience because I really don't but yeah I look forward to whatever comes my way


< Message edited by Causeynot -- 5/15/2014 10:51:32 AM >

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: A noob's questions - 5/18/2014 1:50:10 PM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I look for all the things stated above. What noone said that f mr a sense of humor is essitinol.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to Causeynot)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: A noob's questions - 5/18/2014 2:40:39 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Causeynot
My question is what do subs look for in doms,


I look(ed) for strength, intelligence, and the ability to stay the course, challenge me, and not back down or placate me.


(in reply to Causeynot)
Profile   Post #: 19
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