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Coming from Abuse and Treading Carefully - 5/19/2014 10:57:54 PM   
HeldandHappy


Posts: 13
Joined: 5/14/2014
From: CA
Status: offline 		Hi, I'll try to condense as much as possible here. I was in a long, abusive marriage (vanilla) and got out 3 years ago. I'm in a good place emotionally and have been in 2 healthy relationships since, one vanilla, one D/s. One big issue in my marriage was his anger and refusal to forgive. I rarely get angry and I forgive right away, but he would have me grovel and apologize numerous times, even for any small thing such as not honking at a careless driver if he felt I should have. I became extremely resentful of the whole multiple-apologies ritual.
Now I have a new man, and he's pretty amazing. I am falling fast and happily submit. Every now and then he is ruffled by something I've said and gets quiet. It's automatic for me to think he is very angry and is not forgiving me, but that's not the case. I don't want to project old resentments onto him, nor do I want to blindly begin to repeat old, toxic practices just because this is a D/s relationship. I realize I need to talk to him about this, but I'm not sure where to begin, how much past to include, or what exactly I need to ask him. I don't want to make the rules here, but I need to safeguard my emotional well-being, too.
Thank you for reading.

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RE: Coming from Abuse and Treading Carefully - 5/20/2014 12:33:51 AM   
ThePrincessKali


Posts: 424
Joined: 9/19/2012
Status: offline 		You should talk to a professional therapist.

(in reply to HeldandHappy)
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RE: Coming from Abuse and Treading Carefully - 5/20/2014 12:41:21 AM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThePrincessKali

You should talk to a professional therapist.


I second this and as much as you think you ok, I have a feeling you have a lot of pain you need to get out and no, d/a bdsm pain not counted.

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RE: Coming from Abuse and Treading Carefully - 5/20/2014 5:12:00 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		Welcome to the message board, HeldandHappy. Love the id and the avatar!

I can imagine how uncomfortable it is to feel like you're walking on eggshells as you get to learn the behaviors of each new relationship.
The good news is, as you've stated, you are capable of having a healthy and happy relationship regardless of how your marriage may have conditioned you.

You really aren't safeguarding your feelings when you automatically assume the worst case scenario. If anything, it will stifle
any emotional growth within the relationship. I'd suggest for those times that you may get him ruffled, that you offer a simple
apology right away, and then let it go. You can explain that his silence after the fact makes you uneasy, but you also have
to allow him to process his thoughts/moods in the manner he's grown accustomed to, which in this case, seems to be some
quiet reflection.

Best of luck to the both of you.


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RE: Coming from Abuse and Treading Carefully - 5/20/2014 5:59:14 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It may be helpful if you tell him of your past.
Because he can then reassure you that he isn't your ex and you don't have to do this.

Beyond that, have you asked him directly "Are you angry with me?". Because it's quite possible that what you've said has caused him to ponder things and that you haven't angered him.

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RE: Coming from Abuse and Treading Carefully - 5/20/2014 6:29:54 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Start with letting him read your post here.... I think that will get the discussion going in a positive direction.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Coming from Abuse and Treading Carefully - 5/20/2014 3:13:53 PM   
HeldandHappy


Posts: 13
Joined: 5/14/2014
From: CA
Status: offline 		Thank you all. I went to a therapist for almost a year to work through that pain. I feel good about myself. It's just a matter of balancing being careful and not sabotaging a good thing by projecting. I am not afraid of him and I'm excited about this relationship. But I have never flat out asked a partner what it's like when he's upset or quiet, what his apology expectations are, how quickly he forgives, etc. I don't want to interrogate him like he's on trial, but I need to find out more.

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RE: Coming from Abuse and Treading Carefully - 5/20/2014 3:42:53 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I was married to an abusive man - and when I found a healthy relationship I had to consciously think through what I was assuming. I did a lot of asking, and we did a fair amount of talking about how he reacted when angry, and what anger looked like to him. We also talked about what I needed to do when he was angry.
The thing is, if he is a good guy, he won't mind talking about anger and what makes him angry, and how it looks, and what you need to do or not do when he is angry.

I know for myself , I needed to know about his anger. I needed to know that he wouldn't act out, that he had control over his anger and wouldn't let it fly. Good luck to you, and trust him.


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RE: Coming from Abuse and Treading Carefully - 5/20/2014 4:35:00 PM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline 		Explain to him about your abusive ex, what things ex did when he was angry, what ex expected from you and let your man know what actions or words trigger those past feelings. If he says or does something that makes you think he's angry at you, ask him if he's angry and if so, ask what it was that angered him and why. Don't hold feelings inside and never assume you know what he's feeling or thinking, always keep communication open and honest.

IHH

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RE: Coming from Abuse and Treading Carefully - 5/20/2014 5:52:33 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Communication is not interrogation. You may have dealt with a lot of issues but you haven't learned good communication skills. You need to ask, you aren't a mind reader and you shouldn't be expected to be one.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Coming from Abuse and Treading Carefully - 5/21/2014 9:24:47 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HeldandHappy

Thank you all. I went to a therapist for almost a year to work through that pain. I feel good about myself. It's just a matter of balancing being careful and not sabotaging a good thing by projecting. I am not afraid of him and I'm excited about this relationship. But I have never flat out asked a partner what it's like when he's upset or quiet, what his apology expectations are, how quickly he forgives, etc. I don't want to interrogate him like he's on trial, but I need to find out more.


It sounds like you still feel like you have to walk on eggshells.

I do think you can begin the discussion with how the abuse you experienced affects you in this relationship and then go on to explain how you have misinterpreted his actions in the past.

It is a dialogue, not an interrogation.

But the other question to ask yourself is why didn't you tell him about your past abuse?

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RE: Coming from Abuse and Treading Carefully - 5/21/2014 4:54:45 PM   
HeldandHappy


Posts: 13
Joined: 5/14/2014
From: CA
Status: offline 		We spent a blissful 15 hours together, and there's nothing to worry about. I had told him briefly about my marriage, but not specifically about the non-forgiveness, so I talked about that with him last night. He was very reassuring. He doesn't anger easily, and if he does get mad at me, he'll tell me and not withold. Whew!

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