About to make a run for it (Full Version)

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subtleness -> About to make a run for it (5/24/2014 4:44:16 PM)

Hello,

I'm a lurker mostly and haven't posted before. I'm a slave in a relationship with a Dom, strictly BDSM, we are not boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm an experienced submissive but this is my first time in a BDSM since I had a really bad / abusive experience a few years ago. He understands that submitting is still a challenge for me right now because of my past history and has been nothing but understanding, patient and kind as I've struggled and I frequently send irrational (to me emails) that would normally through many for a loop, and He handles them with out complaint, remains steady, still doles out punishment when needed but without anger and with a clear understanding that I'm being punished for my own good.

This week something personal came up for Him and it was unexpected and nothing He could have done about it, I know He's most likely still dealing with the personal issue so I've tried NOT to bother Him because I know He needs to be with His family right now and support them. He contacted me and let me know what happened on Thursday but we haven't been in contact since them, and I normally at minimum even if we don't actually get to talk, will email back and forth at least in the morning and evening. I'm not expecting Him to be available to me right now, I understand that there are other priorities.

Unfortunately I think I've gotten myself to the point where for whatever reason I've started closing in around myself in an effort to protect myself in some way and over the past couple of days now feel like I'm a hair away from making a run for it and end the relationship. I know that's absolutely horrible of me considering the timing and that I really don't want to end it but I'm feeling vulnerable and scared and I feel even worse about TELLING Him this when I know He's got OTHER things to handle. On the flip side, I know that He would't be pleased if I DO make a run for it so I don't know what to do.



poise -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/24/2014 4:58:20 PM)

Ohhhh those horrible self doubts can do a poor girl in!
I don't have any answers to make this easier for you. Sometimes, when things seem too good to be true,
we automatically assume the worst, especially when we've had such disappointments in the past.

Perhaps what you can do instead of emailing him right now is to start a journal and share your thoughts there.
It will be something you can share with him if the opportunity presents itself, but it will also allow you to get some
of these feelings out of your head and onto paper. Perhaps they will seem less rational to you when you read them.

I'm rooting for you!



twoholewonder -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/24/2014 4:58:41 PM)

I somewhat understand I think where you're coming from on this. At least the closing in parts. It's a self defense mechanism to protect yourself, emotionally. You're already experienced one traumatic relationship, and now that you are growing again to the point of wanting to submit, you're also pulling away part of yourself. I've done this too. It's hard to stay when all you are feeling is panic, and I know you don't want to talk to him about it because of his family. But I really feel you should talk to him anyway. You already communicate via email, and while he hasn't written to you, this doesn't mean he's not reading what you send. Email him and tell him how you feel. The act of doing so, of putting it down written will feel cathartic, and then sending it to him, will help relieve some of your anxiety. Then if you can, find someone you trust, to just sit with you and hold you. Let all your worry, tension and stress melt as much as you can. But do tell him how you feel. Lots of squishy hugs for you.



subtleness -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/24/2014 5:00:15 PM)

Thank you! That DOES help, I mean I know I'm being completely irrational at times, it's just SO easy to go there. I think the journal is a good idea, even just typing the post helped in that is was put somewhere instead of just floating in my head.



subtleness -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/24/2014 5:03:28 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: twoholewonder

I somewhat understand I think where you're coming from on this. At least the closing in parts. It's a self defense mechanism to protect yourself, emotionally. You're already experienced one traumatic relationship, and now that you are growing again to the point of wanting to submit, you're also pulling away part of yourself. I've done this too. It's hard to stay when all you are feeling is panic, Lots of squishy hugs for you.


Thank you. I KNOW that this is what is going on, it just doesn't make it any less of a struggle. I keep hoping if I remind myself that I know it's a defense mechanism and that He's done nothing to indicate that He is dangerous and is going to hurt me, that it will stop but it's getting worse and the longer I stop myself from emailing Him, the harder it gets not to bolt.

I think you're right, I need to email Him and leave it up to Him if He reads it or responds or not but at least He knows.. So if I do bolt, it won't be a surprise and He'll hopefully know where to find me.

Thank you for the support.



angelikaJ -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/24/2014 5:03:39 PM)

Something happened 2 days ago and your dom is temporarily unavailable.
And because you have been out of touch (for 2 days) you are thinking of making a run for it?

A) Either this is the type of relationship you want to be in or it isn't.
If it isn't then at least be honest about the reason why you want to end it.

B) If you are basically happy with this relationship, then why are you behaving like patience is a one way street?
He is patient with you and you are unwilling or unable to respond in kind?

OR if the real issue is that he is married, then maybe you need to look at point A again.



subtleness -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/24/2014 5:11:23 PM)

No actually, I get the run and hide feeling on and off, it just happens that this one is occurring when He is otherwise unavailable.

I actually completely understand the fact that I should be patient, I think I detailed that pretty well when I said it makes me feel horrible to be potentially bothering Him with these issues while other things are more important and why I haven't emailed Him to tell Him.

See, like this:
quote:

'm not expecting Him to be available to me right now, I understand that there are other priorities.


I'm skittish and He knows it and yes I want to be in the relationship but trust and vulnerability is difficult for me right now, something else that is understood in the relationship.

And um no He isn't married but thank's for playing.



angelikaJ -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/24/2014 5:15:44 PM)

Thanks for clarifying.
I wish you well.






DerangedUnit -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/24/2014 5:21:58 PM)

Run than I do it every 90 days give or take a few depending on how thick the chain is :P

Sometimes you need to get away to clear your head... Its a 'you gotta do what you gotta do' situation

If its not than you probably want to stay, and just want him to know that you are upset. That's fine to really just a matter of deciding which



angelikaJ -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/24/2014 7:07:26 PM)

I tried to send you a pm, but it couldn't find you, so:
I did not mean to come across as being so bitchy.

I am sorry.

aJ



subtleness -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/24/2014 7:10:45 PM)

Thank you aJ I appreciate it!



candisa -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/24/2014 7:13:05 PM)

If the relationship is only a BDSM one, and you are not boyfriend/girlfriend.
I see no harm in standing back to breathe a bit. Clearing your mind, healing your body and evaluating your thoughts will do you both good. If something personal came up for him, why can't you take some personal time too and figure out what ever is eating at you. It should not have to be a run for it, rather just stepping back to gain perspective. Things always look different once you can actually think through them.




subtleness -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/25/2014 5:31:55 AM)

I DID end up emailing Him last night and of course in my haste and panic managed to make it seem likeI was sending the email and immediately running/hiding. When I reread it after sending it, I was like great job in being dramatic, so I sent a second email clarifying that that was't the case but that I was close to it.

And sometime after that, the panic seemed to lesson and it's like the front door closed. I still feel like I'm standing close to it but at least the door isn't wide open. He hasn't responded yet and I don't expect any sort of immediate response, I know at some point He'll read and respond and I'm okay for the time being.

Thank you all!



lilcracker -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/25/2014 6:55:39 AM)

OP---did you actually deal with the past bad/abusive experience before embarking on another relationship? One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was--in order to have a healthy relationship I needed to put my abusive past behind me.

I do not expect my partner to put up with me being irrational or fix it for me....and yes sometimes extreme stress can cause me to fall into a downward spiral....but it's rare...once or twice a year perhaps. During those times...I keep the irrational thoughts to myself and am allowed all the quiet time I need to work them out SOLO. This may sound harsh to many BUT how would I deal with things if he were unable to be there to assist me....and there could be times he could not be around and secondly if I happen to fall into a downward spiral I KNOW my thoughts are irrational so why put them out there. Why burden him with irrational bullshit that goes on in my mind? I KNOW I will get over it...provided they ARE irrational thoughts...and for me they ARE. Once I have worked it out...I do approach him...get all the hugs, kisses and comforting I desire....over done....no scars....no words said in anger....no irrational thoughts out there lurking...book closed. In my own way I am hiding closing in around myself as I work through these irrational feelings. It never lasts more than an hour or so.

I guess I really don't understand why you are having this break down because he is dealing with some personal issue. If my partner had to suddenly leave to deal with some personal 'family' issue....I'd be supporting him as much as I could. I would not be bringing more drama to the mix...all I would ask is that he called to make sure he made it to his destination safely and to call when he was on his way home. In the time apart...I'd make sure our home space was spotless for his return home....make sure that food was ready when he got here...make sure I looked my best when I greeted him at the door.




subtleness -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/25/2014 9:14:48 AM)

Yes actually I have dealt with the abusive relationship in 2+ years of therapy of weekly therapy and a year of group therapy with fellow abuse survivors. Plenty of time as a single person and a good hard look at myself. So i don't need Him to "Fix" anything, I have professional help if that is a problem and I'm not assumed to admit it.

Again, I previously stated I'm not having a breakdown because He is having personal issues and is unavailable, I happen to be having a breakdown WHILE He is dealing with personal issues, that's a big difference.

My Dom is the one that encourages me to be open and honest with Him especially because of my past and I was fully up front with Him about my issues and sensitivities before we got involved, He's accepted that fully and frequently is the one telling me to not be afraid or embarrassed to share with Him how I'm feeling to ensure I don't make decisions based on my past experience and lock Him out when He really needs to know how I'm feeling and where I'm at.

Thank you for the support. It's appreciated.



lilcracker -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/25/2014 4:07:20 PM)

So what caused the breakdown....triggers used to toss me into a spiral....writing it out often help and YES I often wrote irrational stuff...but I always deleted it....it helped to get it out.



subtleness -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/25/2014 5:28:14 PM)

I *think* and I'm not 100% sure that I really was having a minor freakout over feeling stuck in life, not related to the relationship and feeling like I was trapped and wanting to run away from *life*, the fantasy of starting over somewhere new?

That kind of freakout and since that isn't a realistic thing for me to do, at least right now, I went with the only thing that I can run from which is the relationship. It at least seems to make sense, just finished grad school, have been with the same company for double digit's now etc, work is CRAZY, etc. That sort of thing.





angelikaJ -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/25/2014 5:44:19 PM)

I know you have had therapy.

Perhaps it is time to give it another go?
Maybe therapy that isn't focused on your previously abusive relationship could be helpful.
It sounds like your coping skills could use a bit of a tune-up?



subtleness -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/26/2014 4:58:02 AM)

Definitely considering it but at the least some more scheduled self care, reducing stress and more fulfilling use of free time which always help manage stress (working out, art, reading).



lilcracker -> RE: About to make a run for it (5/26/2014 7:54:00 AM)

Good idea to utilize the free time to reduce stress....no sense in sitting around focusing on negativity. One of the things that got me through six years of therapy without drugs was knowing that 99% of my healing was on me. Occasionally an old memory will crop itself and if I am having a hard time...he does tell me...."that's passed...it's over now switch your focus."




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