Adjusting the View

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Adjusting the View

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Adjusting the View

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Adjusting the View - 5/31/2014 5:47:36 PM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

I've seen numerous posters over the years express a bit of 'squick' over the whole Daddy/little girl dynamic. I understand it isn't for everyone, but I think a lot of that has to do with a focus on sex, which overlooks what some would consider the core of such a dynamic. I wrote something tonight as a reflection of my life, thinking about my own role as a Daddy, and I believe what I wrote gives a fair view of what the core of D/lg is, how deep it goes.

This isn't a happy scribble of mine, but it's honest, and I think it may give people who cringe at the D/lg dynamic a fresher perspective. For that reason, I will respectfully request that the moderators consider leaving this here as an address to the dynamic, and as a commentary on the emotional interplay involved, instead of moving it to a place like Creative Writings.

Any comments or criticisms, as always, are welcome.

* * * * *

Dear Daddy,

You are a wonderful man.
You gave me a love I never had, and will always want.
You shared all your naughty thoughts, which I treasure.
You let me sleep with my head in your lap.
You showed me a peace that I couldn't find.

Sometimes, little girls need space to grow.
They want to meet a man just like Daddy.
They want to chase dreams they haven't caught yet.
They want a happy life where they can forget sadness.

I'm afraid, and I'm sad.
Am I bad, Daddy?

I'm afraid of losing your love.
I'm afraid of you being upset with me.
I'm afraid to hurt you, and afraid of your anger.

I'm afraid you will hold me back.

I have to go on a little journey.
I don't know where it will take me.
I want you to help me learn to walk.
I want you to stay within sight, so I don't get lost.
I want you to let me go as far as I need.

I want to be home.
Home might be with you, but I don't know if it will be.
Will you walk with me, Daddy?
I know you're afraid, and I'm afraid too.
But I have to do this.

Wherever I end up, part of you will stay with me.
And maybe I'll end up right back in your lap.
If I don't, I want to thank you.
Thank you for your love.
Thank you for trying your best.
Thank you for being my Daddy.

You'll always be my Daddy.

I think I have to go now.
Hold my hand?
I'll hold yours, too.
You can squeeze my hand if you get scared.

I love you, Daddy.

Your little girl.

---

Yes, I will hold your hand.
I love you, Princess.
Daddy will walk with you, and help you find those dreams.
And let go, if you need to run to them.
To be happy.

You aren't a bad girl.
You never were.
You are the best little girl a Daddy could ever love.
And I will still love you, wherever you go.

Please be safe.
Please be brave.
Please be happy.

I am proud of you.

I will always take care of you.

Daddy.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Adjusting the View - 5/31/2014 6:18:48 PM

FightingChains

Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline

I'm sure this dynamic works for some people, and that's great for them.

Personally, for me, that pushes lines of relationship types I consider very different. Father/child is one relationship style, while partners for me would be another. The idea of sleeping with a father figure for me is beyond absurd, and while I don't judge that, I wonder about the reasons behind that. If it's trying to make up for a lack of a father figure, or difficulties with parents, I'd recommend people need to make sure you've sorted out those issues instead of trying to work them out in a romantic relationship. The same perspective thing could be said of S/M, and my viewpoint is the same. S/M itself is great and that's brilliant if you found something that works for you, but if it's really covering deeper issues, that's not healthy and seeing someone is in order.

_____________________________

"Get comfortable in your skin; you're going to be in it for a while."

(in reply to RemoteUser)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Adjusting the View - 5/31/2014 6:47:21 PM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

I agree that anyone entering any relationship or dynamic, even vanilla, with detrimental issues related to the kind of relationship they are pursuing, should take things easy and take care of themselves before getting locked into a cycle of negative reinforcement.

That said, the typical father figure issue stems from neglect and/or disapproval, a feeling of lack of love. Hooking up with an older man solely to soothe the underlying hurt isn't healthy, but it also presents with the possibility of catharsis. I am reminded of the many old arguments about whether people enjoy pain because they were abused. It's patently untrue to say every masochist was abused, and by the same token, the indulgence of pain in a loving, safe environment may also be cathartic for those who were. It brings poignance to the phrase, to each their own.

We all have a little baggage from somewhere, no matter how strong we feel. That's a fact of life, and nothing to hide from or be ashamed of. The real significance comes from how we choose to handle it.

I can appreciate that the dynamic doesn't work for you, FightingChains. If you turn that wonder away and look strictly at the emotional bonding, without the shadow of personal issues on the participating parties, would you find it perhaps a little less distasteful? Or maybe, you prefer dynamics that are more physical and less emotional? I'm not assuming or judging, just curious as to your thoughts.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to FightingChains)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Adjusting the View - 5/31/2014 6:49:49 PM

StrongSub4U76

Posts: 11
Joined: 5/3/2014
Status: offline

I think a lot of people may have problems with titles that are used "Daddy and little girl". However I have talked to many Daddy Doms and the focus is more are on caring for their "girl" and embracing the young child inside of the women. While it is not for me, I can understand why some would like this. I agree that if someone was in this type relationship that has major family issues, they should seek some help also.

There are many BDSM relationships types that I do not understand or am not into, but I can stand back and see the beauty with they work.

*edited for grammar*

< Message edited by StrongSub4U76 -- 5/31/2014 6:51:47 PM >

(in reply to FightingChains)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Adjusting the View - 5/31/2014 8:01:21 PM

FightingChains

Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser
I can appreciate that the dynamic doesn't work for you, FightingChains. If you turn that wonder away and look strictly at the emotional bonding, without the shadow of personal issues on the participating parties, would you find it perhaps a little less distasteful? Or maybe, you prefer dynamics that are more physical and less emotional? I'm not assuming or judging, just curious as to your thoughts.

For me, personally, the idea is very distasteful. Perhaps because I find such an imbalance of wisdom or emotional strength between the two. The idea that the daddy is wise and strong and protective, meaning the sub isn't, or chooses not to be. That I find rather distasteful from an emotional standpoint.

I prefer to be equals, emotionally. If I want someone to submit to me, I want that submission to be because they chose to, not because I'm wiser, stronger, and 'better'. That they chose to let me take control, not that I was somehow superior to them anyway. And in reverse, I need to be equals with the guy I lose control to. I won't respect someone who doesn't see me as an equal, who doesn't value my choice to obey them as one of strength, maturity and clarity.

It seems a lot of dommes have this issue too. They often seem to look for strong, confident, steadfast and independent men who submit to a woman out of love and devotion and their strength and wisdom, and inevitably that come across men who are emotionally infantile because they think that's what is expected of them.

< Message edited by FightingChains -- 5/31/2014 8:05:30 PM >

_____________________________

"Get comfortable in your skin; you're going to be in it for a while."

(in reply to RemoteUser)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Adjusting the View - 5/31/2014 8:26:48 PM

CrazyHarleyQuinn

Posts: 44
Joined: 5/17/2014
Status: offline

FR
The reason why I'm a little, and why I want a Daddy Dom, is because I want somebody who encourages me to be child-like. Somebody who will not put me down for wanting to color, or watch cartoons, or perhaps even cry at times. I'm not a weak person, it's just how I act and who I am. I don't seek after a DD/lg relationship because I have father issues. I live with and love my father. My family problems or lack thereof have absolutely nothing to do with why I want this type of relationship. I am weak at some things, sure, but where I lack in some places, I'm strong in others.
I have two sides of me, the strong, smart woman who knows what she wants out of love, and life. Then there's the little side, where I just want to have fun. Just because I have the little side, doesn't mean I'm less of a strong woman. I'm just different, I'm a woman and a girl at the same time.

< Message edited by CrazyHarleyQuinn -- 5/31/2014 8:27:14 PM >

(in reply to FightingChains)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Adjusting the View - 5/31/2014 8:31:21 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It's always recommended to get professional help with issues.
However, it's naïve to think you can solve them totally. You can't.

If you've done the work, then there's nothing wrong in asking your partner to help you with these issues. As long as you can identify them and explain what they are and what you need.

And honestly, if I can't be vulnerable to him, including those things that I am most vulnerable about which will never totally be healed, then I would rather be alone.

Unlike the op, I don't go into a relationship stating that it's quite possible I'm going to walk. I'm here for the long haul, God willing.
And that includes him always being a paternal type figure. I don't do a little. We don't use those terms, but there's a definite sense of this.

And for what it's worth, FC, people don't always seek this to fix the lack of something. It's not uncommon for someone who had a great father to seek to recreate pieces of that wonderful relationship in their adult relationships. Why not use a good relationship as a model for a later good relationship?

In this, like everything else, the problem comes when you have unexpressed expectations. Instead of laying it out and seeing if you're compatible.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to FightingChains)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Adjusting the View - 5/31/2014 8:36:54 PM

FightingChains

Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

And for what it's worth, FC, people don't always seek this to fix the lack of something. It's not uncommon for someone who had a great father to seek to recreate pieces of that wonderful relationship in their adult relationships. Why not use a good relationship as a model for a later good relationship?

Of course, and I did put a disclaimer on that. I only said IF there was an issue like that, then maybe look at getting that dealt with.

I also feel the same way about anything in this field, including S/M. If someone is getting themselves hurt, or hurting others, because of past emotional trauma, then dealing with that rather than treating yourself or someone as a punching bag to overcome guilt or something is a great idea.

I agree with RemoteUser as well. If it's cathartic, but you have dealt with it as best you can, then all good. Just knowing BDSM and D/s is no substitute for professional assistance and guidance is all I was getting at - if that's required.

_____________________________

"Get comfortable in your skin; you're going to be in it for a while."

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Adjusting the View - 6/1/2014 4:32:42 AM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains
<snip>
It seems a lot of dommes have this issue too. They often seem to look for strong, confident, steadfast and independent men who submit to a woman out of love and devotion and their strength and wisdom, and inevitably that come across men who are emotionally infantile because they think that's what is expected of them.

RemoteUser, I commend you for baring your heart, and I think I understand why those seeking an intimate D/s dynamic would choose a DaddyDom/littlegirl or MommyDomme/son relationship. You could speculate that nearly every intimate D/s dynamic is based on a relationship pattern or constellation which is familial in nature. Older Brother/Kid Sister or Older Sister/Kid Brother, along those lines. I can remember as young as 5-6 wishing I had a kid brother to teach, guide and protect. Who am I kidding? I wanted one to boss around! Who enjoyed it and would tag along everywhere I went, like a devoted little (obedient) puppy. I suppose if I had wanted to dress him up as a girl, I'd be into cross-dressers and sissification--but I didn't and I'm not.

Many vanilla couples get together to fill this need. It's not at all uncommon. My mom was 20 years younger than my dad. She had survived a war-torn, traumatic environment, and she wanted to be in a position to help her family, not be a burden on them. My dad not only represented security, stability, and had a wonderful life to offer her, but he adored her. She could have had any man she wanted, but she chose him. He'd stayed married in a loveless marriage to an alcoholic for 25 years, long enough to put his son through an Ivy League college. When he met my mother, he had a new lease on life and a second chance at love, happiness and family life. They were devoted to one another for more than 30 years, and then my widowed mother chose not to remarry for another two decades although she was still beautiful and desirable.

As for me, I don't want a man who expects me to fill the role of his mother. I don't find this sexy and personally could never be a MommyDomme. There are many Dommes who could not and would not marry their sub(s) or even have the full spectrum of sexual relations with them because they (Dommes) do not regard their s-type as an equal. A dynamic devoid of personal growth isn't much of a dynamic, is it?

How healthy is a D/s dynamic which remains stuck in a time capsule? It isn't so much where we start out, but where we go from there which is the determining factor in finding fulfillment in our lives and in our interpersonal relationships.

To me, the power OVER another means very little. It's also empty without possessing the power WITHIN. What's truly meaningful is to have the power TO be a positive catalyst for change, which is not limited to being Dominant or submissive.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to FightingChains)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Adjusting the View - 6/1/2014 5:25:40 AM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

I think my problem with it is to do with the connotations of incest. I totally get the idea that an older man could enjoy being with a younger woman, that both could enjoy the differences between them in a compatible way, but it's the suggestion of a family relationship that icks me. Yeah, people have the right to do what they want with their sex lives, they're not doing a bad thing, but for me that ick factor is so overwhelming that I just stop reading when I see the word 'Daddy'. It's like scat play - I'm not judging the person for doing or enjoying it, but I don't want to see it, or think about it or read about it - it's just not my thing.

This usually isn't a problem - I don't go in DD/lg groups and I simply avoid discussions of it elsewhere. If I'm reading a thread or a journal and the subject comes up, I will just exit it and go read something else. But occasionally a Daddy Dom will try to chat me up or a new friend will admit that it is their fetish and, when I say it's not my thing, become persistent about wanting to explain or gain my acceptance. But I just don't want to talk about it or think about it, and I feel that this is my right, to avoid it if I want to. I'm not saying they shouldn't talk about it with their other DD/lg friends, or in their groups or discussion boards, just that it's my right to find some things icky and not want to engage with them.

Not everybody is into everything - I'm into watersports which I know freaks quite a few people out and that's okay, I get why it's icky. I won't be offended if you say 'ewww' or click away from my pics real fast, in fact it sort of amuses me. It would be nice if DD/lgs could understand why others may not want to engage with the idea, without taking offence at it.

(in reply to RemoteUser)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: Adjusting the View - 6/1/2014 9:18:00 AM

eliseobeys

Posts: 68
Joined: 5/5/2014
From: Born in Lebanon but raised all over.
Status: offline

Well for those into the "kink" of it, not so much the emotional or spiritual or what ever aspects that image of the young girl on the old guys lap is a big turn on.

Its a contrast in extremes for me, no different then when I have fantasies of being in a BBC gang bang (as opposed to one that's not racially orientated) or when I get off on being the only one in the room who is naked.

I totally get how for some people its their main fetish, or way of life as opposed to just another kind of kink.

_____________________________

"The pride of a free woman is the pride of a woman who feels herself to be the equal of a man.
The pride of the slave girl is the pride of the girl who knows that no other woman is the equal of herself.' "

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

Profile

Post #: 11