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Shared Kink, but unwise - 6/1/2014 12:39:21 PM   
StrongSub4U76


Posts: 11
Joined: 5/3/2014
Status: offline 		I posted this some were else also but wanted more views.
I do not think that this question should be in the Poly group but I am sure many of you might have some good answers.

Anyway I am not poly, while I know that you love more then one person, I can not share. Meaning I have no problem in being with two people, but would not be able to handle if those people were with someone else. Because of this I would never do it as it is not fair.
So my question is this:

In getting to know a Dom in the few weeks, we are taking things slow but have talked about our kinks which so far matches. He talked about ordering me to have sex with two other men. (During the talks it was already pointed out these would only happen after I decided to give him my submission i.e. in a relationship.) While I would not have an issue with this, as stated above I would never be able to handle him being with two other women. I am worried that if I said that is was my kink also, that it would open the door to him to be with other also. I do not want to be selfish, I do not like saying "I can, but YOU can't"
So I said that I was not into it, but I feel like I am lying, well I am and I hate lying so any advice on how to talk about this the right way? Does anyone have the same issues, or with someone with the same issue how do you handle it?

Reminder WE are NOT in a relationship yet, just negotiations per say.
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RE: Shared Kink, but unwise - 6/1/2014 12:46:59 PM   
Delishswitch


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/26/2014
Status: offline 		Be upfront now or there will be problems later.

(in reply to StrongSub4U76)
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RE: Shared Kink, but unwise - 6/1/2014 12:47:59 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		You simply could have been honest and stated that while you know there may be a suggestion of a hypocrisy you aren't willing to share.

Then the ball is in his court.

You accept being shared as his property but aren't willing for him to be non-monogamous.

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(in reply to StrongSub4U76)
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RE: Shared Kink, but unwise - 6/1/2014 12:50:49 PM   
ivone57


Posts: 279
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline 		to the op, that's one of the reasons that prevents me from opening all the way up... if I am ordered to do it then it will mean that he wants to do it also.. which I could not handle very well... kinda like a catch 22 there..

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(in reply to angelikaJ)
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RE: Shared Kink, but unwise - 6/1/2014 1:39:57 PM   
evesgrden


Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
Status: offline 		Just because he wants to see you with two men does not mean that he wants to be with two women. Those are two separate kinks.

There's what he wants to watch you do, and there's what he wants to participate in himself. Maybe he wants a threesome with him being one of 3 men. Maybe he's bi or bi-curious. Maybe it's a gang bang thing for him.

At any rate, you need to tell him that you are unable to handle him being with other women. That's the only deal breaker that's on the table right now. It has nothing to do with fair or reciprocity... by definition d/s is not fair. There may be balance, but it's anything but fair. He needs to know what your hard limits are. Tell him now. It might be fine with him, and if its not just think about the heartache you'll deal with down the road, as opposed to just going your separate ways now.

Pay me now or pay me later.


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(in reply to StrongSub4U76)
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RE: Shared Kink, but unwise - 6/1/2014 1:55:25 PM   
StrongSub4U76


Posts: 11
Joined: 5/3/2014
Status: offline 		Thank you for the responses. I have told him that I am monogamous and he is okay with that. I also told him about a FWB type of poly relationship I had long time ago but it only worked because I was only friends with both and ended because one was getting clingy and jealous of the other. So I guess I need to clarify things a bit better to make sure we are on the same page. It is our first official date this week so I guess nerves are getting to me. I am sure you know how hard it is to find someone to click with, more so when you add kink into it.

(in reply to evesgrden)
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RE: Shared Kink, but unwise - 6/4/2014 8:03:27 PM   
BecomingV


Posts: 916
Joined: 11/11/2013
Status: offline 		When it's uncomfortable to express your truth, then one way to talk about it is to be open about the discomfort. Or, confusion. Or, inexperience. Or, whatever... Perhaps you need more vanilla time to feel secure before you can feel comfortable discussing kinks with anyone. Just because someone asks a question does not entitle them to your answer, in their time frame.

If you are clear about what you want, AND you feel ready to discuss it, you won't feel this angst. I'd listen to my inner voice about why I felt any impediment to sharing openly and honestly. Sometimes, it's just a matter of going too fast. Or, maybe it's reluctance to let go of a person who otherwise, fits well. They may not fit because they want a D/s dynamic before bonding in a vanilla way, or because you do.

Your post reflects conscience. I get a sense that you will sort this out with integrity and fairness.

Best of luck on your first date. :)

< Message edited by BecomingV -- 6/4/2014 8:05:51 PM >

(in reply to StrongSub4U76)
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RE: Shared Kink, but unwise - 6/22/2014 12:21:35 AM   
StrongSub4U76


Posts: 11
Joined: 5/3/2014
Status: offline 		I hate it when the OP never comes back and updates, so I thought I would. I did talk to him about not liking to share and my issues behind it. He was okay with it. Good ending right? NOPE
So I met him in person, and first off looked like he had taken his profile pic 10 years, and 20+ pounds ago. I try to not judge on looks, but when there is a huge difference it raises a red flag. Second asked him to go to a munch with me, he was upset that I asked even after I told him that the group I am with was very respectful of privacy. Red Flag again. After telling him I rather be friends, he kept telling him he was going to MAKE me his slave, and how he was going to pick out men to share me with, me having no choice and using NO protection. In fact he already had a friend in mind. It took about a week of me not replying to his text for him to get the hint.

I forgot how much I hate dating

Edited missed word

< Message edited by StrongSub4U76 -- 6/22/2014 12:22:21 AM >

(in reply to BecomingV)
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