Doing it wrong?

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LongDistDom -> Doing it wrong? (6/16/2014 10:41:30 AM)
Journal entry- 6/16/2014: You know, I'm really starting to wonder just how fruitful this will be. Granted it's only been a few months, I've been putting myself out there, as both doms and subs have recommended I do, yet I must be getting 1/10 that I approach to respond. I'm not sure why, though I have my ideas, perhaps I'm a bit odder of a dom than I realized, and thus appeal to a smaller demographic? Or perhaps due to my age, and thanks to the actions of other male "doms" around my age, with just being here for sex and whatnot, the stereotype of my generation simply results in others believing I am the same way? Either way, I'd be happier if I even got a simple "no thanks" from half of those that I message. I do understand there is bulk mail settings, and I do try my best not to approach anyone who would not be interested in me, be it sexual orientation or conflicting interests. Of course, this by no means is me saying that I'm giving up, what's life without some challenges, no? -End journal- Now, my question is, am I "doing it wrong?" Granted, of course, there is really not a way to "do it wrong," since it can be based off what you are actually seeking, but more specifically put- Is my profile unappealing at all? Be it simply in the bright red highlight, or in the way that I have written it? Perhaps this is not the right thing to be asking, but for now it's what my mind is thinking. NOTE: I have been very respectful in all messages I have sent, not so much as an ounce of profanity seen within the first few messages for those that have responded.

poise -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/16/2014 11:29:01 AM)
Wouldn't it be kinda great if you WERE doing it wrong? Then, you could make changes, and wahhlaaaa, RESULTS! Unfortunately, the truth is, your reply rate is pretty typical, and it's not necessarily through any fault of your own. As for critiquing your profile, I was a little put off by your "I'm a strange Dom" comment. I think women are either going to take your word that you really are strange and pass you by, or they will see it as an attempt to make yourself look better than the 100's of other Doms on the site by highlighting something specific about yourself, in which case they would probably still pass you by because stroking your own ego at the expense of another is never appealing.

InHisHeart -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/16/2014 11:40:31 AM)
I don't see anything wrong with your profile. If I were looking for a Dom and if I were a lot younger, I would not be interested because I have no interest in an on-line relationship, the distance is too far for an in-person relationship and your age. I have no issue with age difference now (Master is younger than me) although I wouldn't go more than 10 years difference either way. When I started in the lifestyle 30 years ago, age was important to me and I didn't want a Dom that was younger than me. As for replying to your messages, some people reply even if they're not interested, some don't, just the way it is. Have you put yourself out there in real life, find a munch in your area to meet others in the lifestyle? If not, it's a good place to start. IHH

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/16/2014 11:51:06 AM)
Actually your profile is pretty good. You demonstrate that you have career prospects and varied interests, you are clear about what you want, and it's not too sex-focused. I don't know what your messages are like, but if I take you at your word that you expect to get to know someone before domming and you don't message people who state you don't fit their criteria, that's a good sign too. Are you sending individual personalised messages which show you read their profile and start a proper conversation (instead of 'hi, how are you?')? Here's the thing. On all online dating sites, the response rate is pretty low for everyone. On this site in particular, women are outnumbered by men making it harder to get noticed. Very few women want online so that limits you even more. I know your profile suggests you are open to something 'closer to home' but honestly a lot of people will glance at your username and assume it's online only. Lastly, and I know you can't help this, you are really young. That limits your options. I've got (nearly) ten years on you. Potentially I could date ten years younger or older than me, giving me 20 years worth of potential partners. You're at the lower age limit of the site, so you're automatically limited to people older than you. Smaller fishing pool. This matters even more for dominants, since many people will look for someone experienced so they feel confident that you play safe and have enough life experience to make decisions for them. The short answer is that you don't, yet. So now you're limited to people who are willing to learn hand in hand with you. Not a bad thing, by any means, but true. I know you have had an online D/s relationship, but that doesn't necessarily translate to real life relationship experience. If I date a 30 year old, even if he's never been a dom before, I'm expecting that he's at least had some real life relationships so he's got experience at compromise, communication, and all that other good stuff. If I date an 18 year old, then I don't expect you to have had an adult relationship. So unless I'm also 18... And as much as this probably sounds like bollocks to you now, the years between about 18 and 23 will change you massively. You go from being a newly minted grown up to an actual mature adult (hopefully!) All this sounds grim, but it's not. The age thing will resolve itself. You're already laying the foundations to be a freaking awesome dom when you are older. Working in the emergency services will give you an amazing sense of responsibility and exposure to all sorts of different social groups. You will be sensible and calm in a crisis. You can cook, and you are skilled in a sport. The last things you need to do to round out the relationship resume are date (even if they aren't as kinky as you, and they might surprise you) and get out into the kink community. Go to events, learn techniques safely, have some play partners, and meet a bunch of D/s couples to learn how you want to run your own relationship. Do that and I promise, you will be VERY desirable by the time you are 25.

DarkSteven -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/16/2014 12:37:19 PM)
1 in 10 is actually pretty good. Your main issue is that you're only 18, and a lot of folks have a hard time taking someone that young seriously. Try to find a TNG group near you.

RockaRolla -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/16/2014 12:42:45 PM)
You're getting discouraged after a few months? I've been at this for a few years. Granted, a lot of that time has been me finding out what I'm into. I've met a few, dated a few, but at the time of this writing I do not have the long-term partner I'm looking for. I am a poly-friendly, bisexual female. If you know anything about dating site statistics you can guess the volume of messages I've received. But messages (and replies to mine) aren't everything, and just because I have a conversation doesn't mean things pan out in the long run. No response is a response. One big reason why women don't respond saying "no thanks" is that on the occasion they do, many of the guys either a) find out why and negotiate further, or b) bitch and moan because they can't take no for an answer. You may be different, but after putting up with the bullshit from all the guys before you most aren't willing to take that chance. Stop getting discouraged and keep looking. If you have half the courtesy you claim (I'm not looking at your profile or messages to back that up) you'll find someone. The key is not to give up and wonder why nobody's fucking you yet.

SeekingTrinity -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/16/2014 6:20:15 PM)
~FRing it~ This way of meeting someone is not great for those who want instant gratification. This way takes incredible patience and time. It took me 6 years to finally find the man Im with now. But I'll be honest in saying it was very much worth the wait because this guy is everything I could have ever wanted or hoped for. It can happen. It just takes time

LongDistDom -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/16/2014 10:55:45 PM)
@Poise Thank you for noticing this- I never thought of it this way, and now that I hear it, your line of thought/logic I can certainly see that is a valid point. I will be sure to reword that properly, or to strike it from my profile entirely. Thanks again!

LongDistDom -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/16/2014 11:10:01 PM)
@AthenaSurrenders I do typically start with a somewhat bland "Hello, how do you do tonight?" Though I do try and include something pertaining to the person(s) I am trying to contact. As for the response rate, I assumed as much, but I did want to make sure I wasn't doing something particularly offputting, or perhaps even find the slim chance that there was a higher reply rate, though that may be naive of me. And to my age- Something else I figured was affecting it. And honestly, I can't blame them, experience is indeed a good thing. So, what I do try to do is find those who do have experience and ask for advice. I am rather awkward though, when the time comes, I can't seem to think of what to ask... Bit of a fault I have, not knowing what to say, or saying it at the inopportune times. I honestly agree with you about my prior actions and relationship- One can act differently in real life than over the net, and even if I try and think I'm one of those who isn't like that, not even I know how I would act in an actual dom sub relation if local and face to face. Thanks for the hope, I want to be ripe for the picking, so to speak, when the time comes~! I thank you for your kind words, and assure you you didn't sound grim, simply stating the facts of my current status, no? I truly do appreciate it, it's always nice to receive a good confidence boost!

LongDistDom -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/16/2014 11:16:33 PM)
@RockaRolla I do apologize, a post like this must make me seem like a whiney little brat to those who do have experience. And you are correct- While I do hope for at least a no, many these days do try and contest and argue against, if not flat out disrespect the choice of those who do not respond. I don't like to think I'm discouraged, though perhaps I am and somehow just don't quite realize it. Also- I really have to stand against this- I don't think I could stop just because nobody is fucking me yet. I may be a kinky dom- but my hope isn't for a good fuck, its for a partner to enjoy my time with, both sexual and non-sexual. Thank you for your input, and good luck finding whomever suits you best~!

LongDistDom -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/16/2014 11:17:47 PM)
@SeekingTrinity Time is something I seem to have plenty of, so I'll take your advice and bide it~! Congrats on your find, and good luck to you both!

DaddySatyr -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/17/2014 1:56:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LongDistDom Now, my question is, am I "doing it wrong?" Granted, of course, there is really not a way to "do it wrong," since it can be based off what you are actually seeking, but more specifically put- Is my profile unappealing at all? Be it simply in the bright red highlight, or in the way that I have written it? Perhaps this is not the right thing to be asking, but for now it's what my mind is thinking. The only "wrong" things I see on your profile are not huge things; they're personal preferences. The only issue that I would have is because it is a pet peeve so it is not worth mentioning. I wish I had discovered/accepted this lifestyle when I was as young as you are. I hemmed and hawed about it for years, even after being introduced to it. You're working. You're contemplating EMT training. You have a lot on your plate but give some thought to making some time for meeting people, face-to-face. Don't limit yourself to online only (one of the things that may be keeping ladies away). Start noticing interactions between you and ladies in light of where you view yourself in this lifestyle. Take notice of ladies that seem to 'submit" to you in tiny little ways or ladies that seem to want to dominate you (and every other male, it seems) in your day-to-day life. It's a form of flirting in both cases. Screen captures *still* RULE! Ya feel me?

RareByrd -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/17/2014 2:11:02 AM)
My impressions of how you can improve your profile, admittedly as someone out of your target age range: * Fix the spelling errors (recieve, prefrence, haiatus). Some people will be put off by these. I am one of them. When someone doesn't edit out the spelling mistakes in their profile, it suggests they are careless and not detail-oriented. I wouldn't want to entrust my safety to a Dom like that. * Definitely explain what you mean when you describe yourself as "strange". Just plopping it into your profile with no explanation is at best frustrating because you don't elaborate. At worst, you're going to lose potential contacts who might incorrectly imagine just what "strange" entails. * Change your username. You shouldn't be labeling yourself exclusively as a Long Distance Dom if you're actually interested in something real-time. Some people won't even read far enough into your profile to see that you would be open to "making things closer to home". With that said, I would think a 1 in 10 reply rate to those you've expressed interest in is actually pretty good for a male. Women on here tend to get many, many messages and cannot possibly reply to all of them.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/17/2014 2:51:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LongDistDom @AthenaSurrenders I do typically start with a somewhat bland "Hello, how do you do tonight?" Though I do try and include something pertaining to the person(s) I am trying to contact. As for the response rate, I assumed as much, but I did want to make sure I wasn't doing something particularly offputting, or perhaps even find the slim chance that there was a higher reply rate, though that may be naive of me. And to my age- Something else I figured was affecting it. And honestly, I can't blame them, experience is indeed a good thing. So, what I do try to do is find those who do have experience and ask for advice. I am rather awkward though, when the time comes, I can't seem to think of what to ask... Bit of a fault I have, not knowing what to say, or saying it at the inopportune times. I honestly agree with you about my prior actions and relationship- One can act differently in real life than over the net, and even if I try and think I'm one of those who isn't like that, not even I know how I would act in an actual dom sub relation if local and face to face. Thanks for the hope, I want to be ripe for the picking, so to speak, when the time comes~! I thank you for your kind words, and assure you you didn't sound grim, simply stating the facts of my current status, no? I truly do appreciate it, it's always nice to receive a good confidence boost! Nitpicky English person here: 'How do you do?' isn't really a question, it's just a greeting. The appropriate response to it is another 'How do you do?' So if your message just says 'Hello, how do you do?' you've really just said 'hello, hi'. Not enough to start a conversation. First messages are really important. If you start the conversation, the burden is on you to create something to talk about. For example, if I was interested in you, I might say, 'Hi, I saw on your profile that you have a black belt. Which martial art do you practice? I used to do karate but missed the change to take my black belt grading when I moved away to university - always regret that.' Or I might ask what you like to cook, or what draws you into being an EMT and how long your training will take - something concrete that a) makes it look like I care and b) gives you something to reply with. When it comes to getting advice, a good idea is to hang around forums like this and hopefully meet some people in the flesh at munches, and just watch them. You'll quickly figure out who has a style matching yours, who seems sensible and who seems to just be showing off all the time. Once you learn who is worth listening to, you can ask if they'd mind you bouncing ideas off them from time to time. Face to face is best of course, because you will hopefully see some evidence that they know what they are talking about, as opposed to it just being convincing bullshit, but I wouldn't rule out people in forums. Online relationships have a place, and I have no doubt it taught you some of your tastes in kink and gave you an idea of some of the challenges. It's just that online is somewhat insulated from real world issues. Learning to deal with each other's irritating habits, negotiating the bills and housework, making enough time for each other when life happens - these are all things you don't need to worry about. So I'm not saying online is bad, just that it only gives you experience in a certain section of relationship issues, not the whole picture. For the record, I met my husband online when I was your age, so I'm not dead against it. I just know what it is to be naive about the realities of an actual in-person D/s interaction.

LongDistDom -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/17/2014 3:49:29 AM)
@Daddy Satyr Thanks for the advice, sir, and I will not shoot down any opinions, preferences or pet peeves you have and wish to mention, so you know. We all have them, and I, for one, like to at least hear them, for I've had my mind changed before due to someone simply explaining their reasoning, so why should I close my mind here of all places? Also, I'm somewhat sad to think that is the impression I was giving off- will definitely have to word things properly- Been trying to convey that, while I have the most experience online, I am very willing to meet face to face, prefer it if at all possible actually. Thanks again, have a great day! @RareByrd Thank you for pointing them out- Teach me to rely on the spell check system, I really should have just read it through that one extra time to make absolutely sure. I apologize for giving off such an impression. With multiple people noticing this, I am temporarily removing it while I try and type up a draft of how to explain it properly- While I feel it is true that I am a bit odd compared to other doms, I am told, and can understand, that it seems more like I am stroking my own ego by stating such. Thus, until I can word it properly, I feel it is proper to remove it as to avoid misunderstandings. Point taken- and something I should have thought of much earlier on. Thank you for your help, I do appreciate it! @AthenaSurrenders ...I have never known this. You seem to be teaching me new things around every corner, be it here or on my Knowledge vs Action post, hehe. I will take this into consideration- though I am proud to say that I do try to have said additional content to the message about something pertinent to the conversation, or the action of initiating one. As for convincing bullshit- I admit I can certainly be naive, namely because I have yet to have a truly bad experience here or with the lifestyle, etc. I will try and visit the forums more often, posting some questions I do have, if that is what I understand your suggestion to be. Yes... Plenty can be planned, we even were browsing the various fees for a US Visa and such, and what her wages could contribute, but when we are together for long periods of time, who could say what may have changed? It's a fact that, while I don't per se avoid, I do choose to try and face at a later date, be that a wise idea to stave off temporarily or not. As always Athena, Thank you kindly~!

DaddySatyr -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/17/2014 4:33:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LongDistDom @Daddy Satyr Thanks for the advice, sir, and I will not shoot down any opinions, preferences or pet peeves you have and wish to mention, so you know. We all have them, and I, for one, like to at least hear them, for I've had my mind changed before due to someone simply explaining their reasoning, so why should I close my mind here of all places? Also, I'm somewhat sad to think that is the impression I was giving off- will definitely have to word things properly- Been trying to convey that, while I have the most experience online, I am very willing to meet face to face, prefer it if at all possible actually. Thanks again, have a great day! I have to go to (of all things) my orientation so I can't get into this, right now but, if you're serious about my little peeve, I will address it, later. Screen captures *still* RULE! Ya feel me?

PaddlingMistress -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/17/2014 6:06:43 AM)
From the perspective of someone looking at the profiles of males all of the time, here are some things I would suggest; Use plain black text on a white background. The white on red is off-putting and harder to read. Your photo, while decent, has bad coloring, a weird angle that makes your head look too small, it's too large, gives you a pot belly, and your outfit looks Amish. I am certain that you are much better looking, and this particular photo doesn't do you justice. Put on a nice shirt and have a friend take a new photo in a well-lit environment. I don't enjoy reading negative posts in a profile. Yes, we all have trouble finding the right people, that's why we are here. Try to keep your tone positive. You are very young and it goes without saying that some people won't be interested in you for that reason. Find your local group, take any classes they have to offer, make friends with the more experienced people, and learn everything that you can from them. Not everyone will be interested in helping you learn, so be really appreciative of those who are willing. On the other hand, there are plenty of young people who would be glad to explore and learn with you. A first meeting should always be just a safe meeting with no expectation of play. Meet at a location like a restaurant, buy them a meal, and talk things over. It's very important for a submissive to feel safe in the first meeting. They just want to know that you're not some psycho who will kill them, or cause them serious harm. Personally, I have had an in-person meeting that left me 100% grateful that I hadn't met the guy in a less safe way. You need to be careful for your own sake, as well. If you are meeting someone out of town, you can always arrange to meet again that night or the next day for play, if it suits you both. You have to be willing to put in the time and effort without expectations. You could edit down your profile into about 3 paragraphs. I'm confused as to whether you want to on-line dom for the most part, or if you want to transition into real-time. You should make that more clear in your profile. Some submissives/slaves find being referred to as a "pet" offensive. I always thought it was cute, but it might turn some people off. I hope that you find this helpful, and good luck in your search.

Domnotlooking -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/18/2014 4:45:05 PM)
Maybe lose the bit where you talk about possibly using your EMT medical training in a future scene? You're probably just thinking out loud, but many women may be turned off by what they perceive to be a very heavy play scene. As to the rest of it, getting women you don't know to have kinky sex with you is always going to be an uphill slog. You know that. The numbers are stacked way against you. You will be rejected at the level of Jehovah's Witness selling life insurance. You will be viewed as crazy and a nuisance. But if you keep positive and pro-woman, work non-kink outlets as well, and just keep believing in yourself, it will happen. It always does. Dealing with all the bullshit with good grace will even add a little domly aura to you.

MistressDarkArt -> RE: Doing it wrong? (6/19/2014 7:11:22 PM)
LDD- Personally, I like the picture. If it's representative of the true you, by all means keep it. I too think starting over with a different screen name will be to your benefit since you are willing to meet in real time. Not to discourage you further, but many 'female' profiles here are authored by guys posing as women. Definitely be aware of that as you slog through the midden heap. Google/Tineye profile photos to help you spot fakes. I agree with the wonderful advice to find a TNG (the next generation) munch near you. Connecting in person with your community is a much more productive way to learn and thrive in this lifestyle. Make friends (male/female/everything in between) at events/munches with no ulterior motives. Volunteer, offer to help, and wow folks with your great personality. Hang in there. I know someone compatible will be along shortly once you turn off the computer. Best of luck in your journey!

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