RE: What went wrong? (Full Version)

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PiggyPuta -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2006 3:45:06 PM)

it was not my first experience but my second...i met this man on the internet and we chatted on the phone...he asked what i enjoyed and i told him...after weeks of talking we decided to meet.  i went to meet him at his place of work...we went into an empty office.  i walked in first and he closed and locked the door behind him.  i was standing there and he told me to walk over to this chair.  as i was walking past him he grabbed my hair and yanked me to the floor.  he walked in front of me and started telling me how worthless i was.  he pulled me by my hair to the chair and pulled up my shirt and took my breasts out.  he began torturing them.  it hurt so bad.  i would try to push his hands away but he would work harder on them.  i would cry and beg him to stop and he would just slap my face.  he was very strong and i was so scared that i could not move.  he pulled me up turned me around lifted my skirt and went at me.  he then pulled me down and gave me a facial...to this day i take them but do not enjoy facials.  what did i learn...what i do not like, how much pain i can handle and unfortunately to have a lack of trust in some people.

piggyputa



sharainks -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2006 4:06:00 PM)

When I have had bad experiences its been more of a case of two people not communicating in a way that was understood by both. 

For example about 4 years ago I met a man online I was wildly attracted to the click was there.  We talked about likes, dislikes, turn ons etc.  I told him that I liked being flogged.  Within the framework of my experience that was true.  That was based on every flogger I had been flogged with, every one I had ever seen in fact. We met and got along.  The next time  we were set to play and he started bringing out his "toys".  What I saw were items I could only consider weapons.  Not one of them was what I would call a sensual toy but rather made to cause maximum pain.  Not being too much of a wuss I was still ready to try.

The whole thing did not go well.  We were both vastly disenchanted.  He had expected a major pain slut apparently and I had expected what I was used to. He had communicated from his experience, his idea of what a flogger was, and I had communicated from mine.  The two were nothing alike. 

Now I ask about toys, what is your idea of a flogger, what does it look like, whats it made of?  I also ask a lot more about what he expects the session to be like.  Live and learn.




enigmabrat -> RE: What went wrong? (7/10/2006 4:34:32 PM)

The first time I went to paddles I went with a "Dom" and I use that word loosly in this regard, he was a friend of mine that I had met here we had dated a few times and he finnaly desided to take me, when we got there he had no desire to play with me at all exept haveing me go and get him drinks he said he wasnt in the mood... he repeadedly left me alone which freaked me out considering this creepy old man was following me around much of the night I expressed to my friend my fear of this man which seemed to mean nothing to him, finally the stranger aproched me and asked if he could paddle me my emediat respons would have been "Hell no" well i would have said no thank you but as I was getting the words out of my mouth my "friend" cut me off at the pass exepting his offer I pulled him aside and told him that the guy freeaked me out and I wasnt about to let a strange man I didnt trust paddle my ass but he was unmoved and in my eagerness to please I submitted, with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, i was taken a corner away from the rest of the group which made me uneasy. I was bent over a horse I was weraing a red leather skirt but the paddle still hurt he was not pulling his blows. When he lifted up my skirt and pulled my panties down I shot up to recovermyself I expressed my displessure but befor I could get my panties all the way back up the Dom I was with grabed me bending me back over and holding me down for the paddleing he was much bigger then me he had a foot and about 50lbs on me i couldnt get free so I gritted me teeth and took the harrid paddling. I was terrafied. I didnt know how to defend myself, I should have screamed for help but I didnt want to make the Dom I was with un happy... I really wanted him to be the one. After that i went and hid with a friendly Domme and her sub who were visiting from out of town I think i maybe sout her out  because she was femal and there for I found her safe... That was about a year ago I havent been back to paddles since!! I keep thinking wasnt it my friends job as the Dom to protect me....

-da enigma-



bklynbbw -> RE: What went wrong? (7/11/2006 1:46:35 PM)

I couldn't decide where to put this, in the what went right or wrong thread.  I felt this was better.   I have been learning about the lifestyle for almost two years now....but decided I wanted to learn and wait till it felt right before playing with anyone.  Well I finally did meet someone who I felt comfortable with...felt I could trust.  We talked a lot...spent time together and then it was time.  He knew this would be my first time...and I have to say..it was wonderful...more than I had hoped for. We met around dinner time..and when I arrived he had ordered in dinner saying he thought I might be hungry....there were flowers too.   I learned so much about myself in that time...things I liked...didn't like...no...wait there wasnt anything I didn't like...scratch that.    Things I thought I might not like, I loved.  I discovered I could take and liked a bit more pain than I thought.  Well, maybe more than a bit...<smile>.   And he did just what I expected him to do..trusted him to do.   He made sure I was ok...kept checking...asking me...read my body and eased up when he saw it was a little too much...when I did say too much...he listened...didnt push.   This all took place in the space of about 3 hours...I couldnt believe that much time had passed...but in that time I screamed...cried...laughed till I thought I would wet myself...(that wheelie thing got me)...lol   I swore I wasnt ticklish till I felt that wheel.   We both were laughing like nuts...He seemed to be having a great time too.   Sounds like a perfect night doesn't it ?   It was right up till the end.....suddenly I was uncuffed...told that he was tired and had to get up early for work and left alone to get dressed....while he went around gathering the toys and things he had used to play with and put them away.    The next morning I had expected a phone call...as we had talked many times during the day before that and also to see how I was...no call.  Nothing all day...or the next.  When I saw him on line he made some lame excuse....but to me...there was no excuse for that behavior.  As you can imagine I went through a lot of emotions but the one thought was that this was like back in high school....he got what he wanted and was done.   Maybe he just wanted to be my first.  I dont know and dont care...life goes on.    But it was dissapointing to know once again my judgement was wrong...and to be fooled.   Anyway, this is why I didnt know which thread to put this on....because it was the best and the worst time both in one night.   Wow, this felt good to get this all out...thanks for letting me !  



enigmabrat -> RE: What went wrong? (7/11/2006 3:38:04 PM)

I didnt put in what I learned.

first it reanforsed my inhebility to trust so easily, secent it made a place that could have opend the BDSM world to me a scary place third all that weild paddles are not doms and to insist on a safe word and that I be respected.

now I have a question.

how do you get over the fear??

-da enigma-



TNstepsout -> RE: What went wrong? (7/11/2006 5:32:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bklynbbw
   We both were laughing like nuts...He seemed to be having a great time too.   Sounds like a perfect night doesn't it ?   It was right up till the end.....suddenly I was uncuffed...told that he was tired and had to get up early for work and left alone to get dressed....while he went around gathering the toys and things he had used to play with and put them away.    The next morning I had expected a phone call...as we had talked many times during the day before that and also to see how I was...no call.  Nothing all day...or the next.  When I saw him on line he made some lame excuse....but to me...there was no excuse for that behavior.  As you can imagine I went through a lot of emotions but the one thought was that this was like back in high school....he got what he wanted and was done.   Maybe he just wanted to be my first.  I dont know and dont care...life goes on.    But it was dissapointing to know once again my judgement was wrong...and to be fooled.  


Yup- been there, done that too. This is the "let's see if I still have what it takes" syndrome. Guy begins to feel a bit stale, and bit pudgy, wonders if he can still charm the pants off the ladies like he used to. So he rolls off the sofa, brushes up on feigning sincerity and empathy (chicks really dig that), boots up the comp and gets to work. A man with a mission. Once he gets what he wants, he's reassured he's still "the man" and he plops back down on the sofa, scratches his nuts and impresses himself with a hardy belch.

Mission accomplished.



bklynbbw -> RE: What went wrong? (7/11/2006 6:22:58 PM)

LOL...yep.   I am glad for the experience though...I really did enjoy it.   But it has put me back a few steps on trusting again.    Hell, Im a big girl, I'll get over it...<smile>



MistressTexas -> RE: What went wrong? (7/11/2006 7:12:40 PM)

One of my first experiences as a sub litterally almost killed me. I was stupid enough to get on a plane to go see him. Although I maintain that stupidity was mitigated by the fact that my father does a whole hell of a lot of business in that city, and I have a key to a separate apartment and access to bodyguards hahahaha. In any case,  I was an idiot, and got on a plane to go see him. virtually the first thing he did was collar me in the airport parking lot, paying no attention to my discomfort. back at his place, my clothes were riped off with no warning and I was thrown on the bed, cuffed etc etc. The first thing he used on me was a paint stirrer, which bloody well hurt. next came a vcery nasty flogger, and then a whip. The whip is when I *first* used my safeword. It didnt exactly work. which is to say he went on his merry way, and I think it took a month or so for the welts to fade enough for my agents to let me go on stage. Next (and this was the "almost killed me" part) he brought out an electrified paddle, and taser. yes taser. Apparently you can order them off the net without being a cop. Stupid internet. In any case, high voltage hurts... a lot... and shouldn't be used on someones chest. I remember going in and out, sometimes the shocks knocked me out., sometimes they woke me up. And I remember being deleriously grateful to my parents for pushing me through 10 years of soccer, wrestling, track, and martial arts. Well ok I wouldnt go that far, but the doctors say its what saved my life. After he finally let me up, I had to wait till he fell asleep to get someone to come find me. Then hospital for a few days, and home finally.  The bruises and welts lasted for weeks, the panic attacks still happen every once in a while, and that was retty much the very same day I stopped being a sub. Became sadistic and cranky at everything, and voila I'm a Domme. To clarify I was a Pro Domme long before that experience... more of a bedroom sub than anything... but that one experience killed any submissiveness that was ever in me.



irishbynature -> RE: What went wrong? (7/11/2006 7:28:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ArtimisBlack

So it seems (from the thread on people's first BDSM experiences anyway) that many people had a negative experience with BDSM, especially when they first started out. I'm a great believer in learning from past mistakes. So this goes out to all who have had a bad/not so good experience with BDSM: What went wrong? What did you learn from the experience? Was it worth the bad so you could enjoy the good? What would you change if you could do it all over again?

The Good: I found out I wasn't alone as far as my submissive nature/met others like me; I discovered a side of myself that allowed me to grow and be more free/less repressed.
What would I change? Probably my lack of understanding boundaries at the time and understanding my role as a submissive...
The Bad: At the time, not understanding that emotional rollercoasters were NOT acceptable D/s standards.




Entrancer -> RE: What went wrong? (7/11/2006 7:59:30 PM)


I guess for me there is a question as to how to define “experience.”  I sort of became more and more interested over a period of a couple of years, reading a lot and doing a lot of “chatting”.  The first experience “in the flesh” was within a relationship that had started out as vanilla.  In general pillow talk, I revealed that aspect of myself, and she professed an interest.  I knew enough to know pretty much exactly what I wanted in that aspect of a relationship, and we discussed it at length.  She kept saying how she wanted to try it, but something told me she really wasn’t cut out for a submissive role, so for months I kept the activities limited to mild kink…light bondage and blindfolds, primarily.  She enjoyed that tremendously, but...

Finally, we were going on a one week trip to Hawaii, and decided to “take the plunge” the first night.  I wouldn’t say the experience itself was a total disaster, but it did, I think, trigger a lot of her insecurities.  So…that week ended up being hell instead of heaven, culminating with her going on an 8 hour, verbally abusive drunken binge the last night.  It was the ugliest I had ever seen her.

I’m not sure what I really learned from the experience other than to trust my instincts more, and being very leery of trying a D/s relationship with someone who is essentially and pervasively insecure.  I do believe that insecurity and true submissiveness are difficult to combine, but that could just be me being a victim of my own experiences.  I suppose I might have learned not to try to convert a vanilla relationship into a D/s relationship, but that happened with my next relationship, and even though the relationship as a whole didn’t work out, she did appreciate my introducing her to that side of herself, and told me in our "post mortem" talk that it felt “right” to her when she knelt at my feet.  Maybe I’m getting wiser, because the more I learn, the more I realize what I don’t know.
 



enigmabrat -> RE: What went wrong? (7/11/2006 8:14:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressTexas

One of my first experiences as a sub litterally almost killed me. I was stupid enough to get on a plane to go see him. Although I maintain that stupidity was mitigated by the fact that my father does a whole hell of a lot of business in that city, and I have a key to a separate apartment and access to bodyguards hahahaha. In any case,  I was an idiot, and got on a plane to go see him. virtually the first thing he did was collar me in the airport parking lot, paying no attention to my discomfort. back at his place, my clothes were riped off with no warning and I was thrown on the bed, cuffed etc etc. The first thing he used on me was a paint stirrer, which bloody well hurt. next came a vcery nasty flogger, and then a whip. The whip is when I *first* used my safeword. It didnt exactly work. which is to say he went on his merry way, and I think it took a month or so for the welts to fade enough for my agents to let me go on stage. Next (and this was the "almost killed me" part) he brought out an electrified paddle, and taser. yes taser. Apparently you can order them off the net without being a cop. Stupid internet. In any case, high voltage hurts... a lot... and shouldn't be used on someones chest. I remember going in and out, sometimes the shocks knocked me out., sometimes they woke me up. And I remember being deleriously grateful to my parents for pushing me through 10 years of soccer, wrestling, track, and martial arts. Well ok I wouldnt go that far, but the doctors say its what saved my life. After he finally let me up, I had to wait till he fell asleep to get someone to come find me. Then hospital for a few days, and home finally.  The bruises and welts lasted for weeks, the panic attacks still happen every once in a while, and that was retty much the very same day I stopped being a sub. Became sadistic and cranky at everything, and voila I'm a Domme. To clarify I was a Pro Domme long before that experience... more of a bedroom sub than anything... but that one experience killed any submissiveness that was ever in me.


did you press charges against the ass hole??



Smythe -> RE: What went wrong? (7/11/2006 8:33:34 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ArtimisBlack

So it seems (from the thread on people's first BDSM experiences anyway) that many people had a negative experience with BDSM, especially when they first started out. I'm a great believer in learning from past mistakes. So this goes out to all who have had a bad/not so good experience with BDSM: What went wrong? What did you learn from the experience? Was it worth the bad so you could enjoy the good? What would you change if you could do it all over again?





I have really only had one negative experience, and from it I learned not to jump into playing without really knowing my partner. Not that anything bad happened, but it was an empty experience with a stranger. My experiences with submissives with whom I am in a relationship are so much deeper and richer.

Smythe




MistressTexas -> RE: What went wrong? (7/12/2006 10:52:54 AM)

oh goodness yes Enigmabrat.



impishlilhellcat -> RE: What went wrong? (7/12/2006 11:03:14 AM)

I've never had a bad experience myself thank god, but I had a close friend who was talking with a Dom. She did all the security checks, asked for references, and set up her safe calls. She went down to visit him and during their first play session he strapped her to a cross and proceeded to beat the crap out of her. She used her safe word more than once and he ignored it. She was brusied and battered for a long time after that.



SexyRed -> RE: What went wrong? (7/12/2006 11:29:10 AM)

These replies are very sobering, even for those of us who are experienced. I have found my worst experiences involved being with someone too quickly, who I did not have a solid relationship or knowledge of. Either the experience was OK but empty as someone mentioned, or it went too far resulting in being hurt more than you would want or expect.

I also found some experiences that went very well, but again, someone said, sometimes it did not turn out to be the relationship since the other person lied about what they wanted.

The lesson learned is to be very very careful about who you trust with your body, heart, soul and mind. I don't have great advice on this, but go with your protective guts.



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