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What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 11:17:53 AM   
ArtimisBlack


Posts: 154
Joined: 6/13/2006
Status: offline 		So it seems (from the thread on people's first BDSM experiences anyway) that many people had a negative experience with BDSM, especially when they first started out. I'm a great believer in learning from past mistakes. So this goes out to all who have had a bad/not so good experience with BDSM: What went wrong? What did you learn from the experience? Was it worth the bad so you could enjoy the good? What would you change if you could do it all over again?

_____________________________

I wanted to put in my 2 cents but I only have a dollar. Do you have change?

The pain is free. Do not pick the scab.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 11:29:47 AM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ArtimisBlack

So it seems (from the thread on people's first BDSM experiences anyway) that many people had a negative experience with BDSM, especially when they first started out. I'm a great believer in learning from past mistakes. So this goes out to all who have had a bad/not so good experience with BDSM: What went wrong? What did you learn from the experience? Was it worth the bad so you could enjoy the good? What would you change if you could do it all over again?


I learned that the big head has more brains than the little one.

And that people are what they are-not what you would wish them to be.

(in reply to ArtimisBlack)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 11:31:32 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		What went wrong with my first experience was starting from a point of desperation (ending a bad marriage) and not heeding the warning signs that were there even with my limited <read zero> experience. When he told me I "could not be submissive unless I was bisexual" should have been the first clue because in point of fact.. I am submissive and I am not bisexual.. This began the longest 9 months of my life as I moved too fast from first meet to move in 24 / 7 and then stayed for that period of time even knowing and experiencing zero levels of submission for him. He pushed for the fast move and I agreed again because at that time I was looking to end a bad marriage.  Did I learn from my experience.. yes . I learned alot but not what he had hoped to teach. I believe it was a lesson that was important in my growth but as far as being worth it?? I cant honestly say that.. as it wasnt until years later.. I found out the SOB had been assaulting my "dependents" during this period of time as well.

Yes I know this was an extreme example.. and not one I need sympathy or comments on. However, if the hearing of my story keeps even one from making the same mistakes.. then it was worth the sharing.

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to ArtimisBlack)
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RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 11:42:08 AM   
fyrekittyn


Posts: 282
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: Memphis, TN
Status: offline 		I started off with a Master and Mistress as my first serious relationship, and first BDSM relationship, at age 16. I was young, inexperienced, and headstrong. It helped me to determine the true nature of my kinks, and what I wanted out of a relationship. The relationship towards the very end (3 years in) started to get emotionally abusive. I ended the relationship, but I don't think my life would have been the same if I hadn't had that relationship. I learned about myself and about how I interact with others. I learned that I trully am a masochist, a painslut, and a switch. I was allowed the chance to embrace these sides of me.

_____________________________

Whip me, spank me, beat me, fuck me, all if it and more!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, come on now. You can hit harder! *THWACK* OW! BASTARD! See, I was right!
~~~~~~~~~~~
fyrekittyn - the sweet, innocent, angelic, virgin princess!

(in reply to JessieMe)
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RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 11:47:24 AM   
DoctorDubious


Posts: 267
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ArtimisBlack

So it seems (from the thread on people's first BDSM experiences anyway) that many people had a negative experience with BDSM, especially when they first started out. I'm a great believer in learning from past mistakes. So this goes out to all who have had a bad/not so good experience with BDSM: What went wrong? What did you learn from the experience? Was it worth the bad so you could enjoy the good? What would you change if you could do it all over again?


Hey Artimis... and all....

Getting caught having bondage-sex naked,
and having endless  "family conferences" and counselling,
and weird stupid sessions with a dorky priest is humiliating to a kid.

For me, it was still a central and formative experience,
and I wouldn't change a single thing...
..... except wouldda been funner if we hadn't got busted.


http://www.collarchat.com/m_463104/mpage_2/key_/tm.htm#463458

>>Was it worth the bad so you could enjoy the good?

For me, it was so good, that normal's always felt luke-warm.

Now to show you what a doofus I've been,
despite at least 80% great experiences...

... I've spent thousands of hour of my life trying to heal or change
or get "normal".... all an abysmal failure... and thank G-d I'm past that.

I say,
if your heart calls for kink, go there.

Doesn't matter the superficial judgements of "good" or "bad",
especially on your first experience,
when you have no other valid reference points
to make evaluations from anyways...

DD, a lucky old goat.

(in reply to ArtimisBlack)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 11:49:04 AM   
Tamerofwild1s


Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline 		what I learned from my first .. or should I say as I grew along ..... one thing I learned a long time ago is that you can never stop learning .. that in this lifestyle we need to be more acceptable of possabilities . and that not everyone is always gonna be pleased all the time .. I learned that I needto remain true to myself first and foremost and once that was accomplished .. I learned others will respect me for who I am

_____________________________

A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to fyrekittyn)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 12:03:26 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		What did I learn from my first experiences?  All shit does NOT flush!

The nature of people are the same.. just the envirnment changes.

Lotus

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


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Profile   Post #: 7
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 12:16:59 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ArtimisBlack

So it seems (from the thread on people's first BDSM experiences anyway) that many people had a negative experience with BDSM, especially when they first started out. I'm a great believer in learning from past mistakes. So this goes out to all who have had a bad/not so good experience with BDSM: What went wrong? What did you learn from the experience? Was it worth the bad so you could enjoy the good? What would you change if you could do it all over again?


My bloody oath I'd do a couple of things differently.. I'd pasify or negate that bloody clique who screwed me about and did their best to force me out of the local scene and threatened any slave who wanted to meet me of being ostrocised.... However in the long run it did save me from all their self-destructive bull shit. It also made me realise that I don't need BDSM in my life....


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to ArtimisBlack)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 12:18:15 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		I've been trying to figure out for the last six months exactly what it was that went wrong and still don't really understand it. But I think for the most part he just moved way too fast and went way too far for my level of experience and for the level of trust and connection between us. It resulted in an experience that was very traumatic for me. In fact, it was so bad that I never went back, and when I tried to see him again, to talk about it, I had a severe panic attack. Even now, six months later, when I talk of the last scene together, or see his photo my throat closes up, my chest constricts and my heart pounds. Even though, when looking back there were portions I enjoyed and some things that were unpleasant, none of the activities singly, were traumatic.

I am still in the process of learning from the experience. But so far the most important thing I've learned is to speak up when I'm truly uncomfortable or distressed. I've learned not to assume or trust that another person can correctly judge my emotional state just because he says he can or has a lot of experience.

I've also learned that those little tweezer like nipple clamps are evil and should be outlawed.

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 12:19:07 PM   
Taylore


Posts: 121
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ArtimisBlack

So it seems (from the thread on people's first BDSM experiences anyway) that many people had a negative experience with BDSM, especially when they first started out. I'm a great believer in learning from past mistakes. So this goes out to all who have had a bad/not so good experience with BDSM: What went wrong? What did you learn from the experience? Was it worth the bad so you could enjoy the good? What would you change if you could do it all over again?

This slave is still in her first BDSM related relationship, so I can not answer to the 'what went wrong' part. However, there have been times in the past three years that I have struggled immensely, sometimes wondering if this is what I really am. That struggle came from my refusal to talk with Master about certain things that I was feeling.
Now, I make it a point to discuss every smallest detail, even if I feel that it has no bearing on anything. It has helped me tremendously.

_____________________________

Taylore

(in reply to ArtimisBlack)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 12:19:34 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		Let's see - what did I learn from the various bad experiences along the way?  Especially since my First experiences with BDSM were Good - and the Bad didn't come along until much later?

That I'm constantly changing.  That I have little use for power dynamics in the long run, although I will always be devoted to Kink.  I learned not to take people at face value, and not to go under the mistaken impression that anyone other than myself is going to maintain my standards.  I've learned that the older I get, the less tolerant and less trusting I become - however, the less prone towards stupid mistakes, massive heartaches, and idiot induced migrains I become as well.  I've learned that I don't particularly need relationships, that I can exist quite comfortably and happily without much in the way of steady companionship, and that I like my cat and dog much better than I like most people.
 
Oh... and I've learned that I have as large a sadistic streak as I do masocistic streak - and that that sadistic streak is almost psychopathic, decidedly unfeeling, and could give a flyin flip about niceties like consensuality.  Which is why I don't let it out of the box except in VERY controled situations.

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 12:20:51 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

I've also learned that those little tweezer like nipple clamps are evil and should be outlawed.


Awww I just love those when they are attached to a power source like a TEMS machine... Those perky nipples do amazing things when they are zapped......


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 12:29:48 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Artemis,

A different vein, but I think one that ought to be said.  I've been in the Lifestyle a long time, and have had the opportunity to be the first or nearly in many submissive's lives over the years.  My ethic is to make certain that the foundation is laid for someone to embrace themselves through their persona, whatever that might be.  As I've gotten more experienced I've actually slowed down my own process to ensure that what happens for a fledgling is the right decision for everyone.

But in the past, I've encountered an occasion or two that has angered me to no end.  I've communicated with people who knew that finding their true nature was something that they were about to explore, and was certain of their course.  Unfortunately, they found themselves exploring with someone who went for a far quicker 'close' than I, who abused their privilege, and the woman along with it.  After that, one or more of these women decided not to explore the lifestyle because of their horrible first experience.  In walking away from the lifestyle, they inadvertantly were walking away from themselves.

For someone reading this line of posts and have had that bad (or worse) first experience:  Please be true to yourself.  If some of the things we do or the emotions we display within these boards resonate to you so clearly that you believe you have found a 'home', do not turn away from that.  Certainly a bad experience will do a lot to throw that off, but take a step back and reflect on yourself.  Find another partner with more integrity.  Know what you are looking for, or be able to ask the right questions.  Be careful, but above all be yourself.

Jeff

P.S.  Not long ago I met someone who had a wonderful first experience.  Because it did not seem as if we were the best of partners for each other, she found another partner who decidedly gave her an awful experience.  My aforementioned story resonated deeply within me, because this was again someone who seemed to 'need' to be part of WIITWD.  I decided I would reaffirm this woman's feelings that I had so easily demonstrated in our first meeting.  I agreed to train her, in my home, for 3 months, which ends in a few weeks.  As her leanings, even for a newbie, were definitely slave-like rather than as a submissive, that is the pace that I have given her.  I believe we both can say that she has found a home in our world, even if it turns out not to be my home.  She is far more certain of herself and of her feelings and tendencies.  This because I would not permit a bad experience to hamper a natural.

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to LotusSong)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 12:35:02 PM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		My first experience was a mixture of disaster and soul awakening.
 
I met a man on the internet.. we talked on the phone and decided to meet.  He was 53 I believe and had been in it a decent amount of time.  We met in a town about halfway for both of us, had coffee..and then went back to a hotel room.  The first thing he did was grab me by the hair and slap me across the face.. a little bit later, he had me get on all fours while he whipped me with a belt (this hurt btw)...I pulled away.. he was upset..we did a bit more..but that is the main part.
 
When I left the hotel, on the drive home.. I was so damn tired, sort of dazed.."What the hell was that?" kept running thru my head. 
 
What was bad in this?  He was married.  It moved too fast.  He didn't warm me up at all to any of it (you don't just start beating a chick with a belt).  I went to the hotel and met someone I didn't really know anything about (dumb).  I put my trust in someone that had no reason to get it.  It was an emotional experience for me in a lot of negative ways.
 
What was good in this?  I learned that it does turn me on.  It awakened something in me that won't go away.  It did show me there were ways to get pleasure I never thought of before.  It led me to understand myself better.  It taught me to go after things that I enjoy, even if others don't agree.  It showed me how deep my need to please and serve was. 
 
There are probably more both ways.  I don't really like the man at all, but I am grateful for the gift he did give me.  The gift to step outside of myself and try something new, because I never know what it will bring me.
 
       Respectfully, ~Andrea~

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 1:18:49 PM   
ArtimisBlack


Posts: 154
Joined: 6/13/2006
Status: offline 		Mstrjx, Thank you for saying that. In my haste to explore and learn I forgot that there are people even newer then myself that might be so discouraged by the bad experiences being talked about here that they stopped perusing BDSM and that was never my intention. So once again, thank you for reminding all of us (and especially the newer people like myself) that there is a reason we sought out BDSM in the first place and that there are good experiences to still be had. In fact, I'm now thinking about starting a thread regarding those good experiences.......
 
 

_____________________________

I wanted to put in my 2 cents but I only have a dollar. Do you have change?

The pain is free. Do not pick the scab.

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 1:38:10 PM   
lanwolf


Posts: 78
Joined: 10/31/2005
Status: offline 		My first experience with the lifestyle was bad. The person lied about everything, there level of experience, the fact they were married, everything. I had a hard time after this relationship to try and keep looking for a Mistress but eventually I changed how I looked at things. I learned that I like being submissive, that I enjoyed handing over control in every aspect forced exercise, how I dressed, speech restrictions, and everything. I also discovered I loved S/m play the rougher the better and that I liked being left in cuffs while I slept. In short yes I was not smart in how fast I moved and how much I trusted her, our first night together involved a beating, along with a few other forms of play. I have taken this experience and grown from it as I do with all my relationships since and will with any new relationships I am blessed with.

(in reply to ArtimisBlack)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 2:00:45 PM   
TigressSerena


Posts: 16
Joined: 6/19/2006
From: Seattle, WA
Status: offline 		My theory is backed up by the past month of discoveries.  Here it is...
 
When one is in this lifestyle there is MUCH trust involved.  I Know that is horrible repeated a bazillion times around here, but I'm learning that it is infact truer than anything else.  Now here's the problem with that neccessary trust.  Lust.  I tried something with someone I'd only known a couple weeks 'cause I was so desperate to try.  I wanted to learn (and still do) so baddly that I would risk baddness.  But that's okay.  It's only okay in my situation 'cause I had a wonderful friend, kajira4aMaster who was there to protect me.  Her words and wisdom are worth a thousand books, movies, anything.  I trust her with my life and that is what a true friendship is about, be it BDSM related or not. 
 
But if I were without her I probably would've done something REALLY stupid like let some creepy guy kidnap me and throw me in a dungeon...well, that would be fun, but if it were concentual (sp?) and short term.  I'm unsure about the whole being a mom and being a slave thing yet.  Gibber gibber I'm getting off topic, sorry!

_____________________________

- Rini the Illustrious has spoken -

Boo Bitchcraft

(in reply to lanwolf)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 2:56:40 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I can honestly say this hasn't happened to me (yet). I am sure there may well be a first time, given my brief experience level.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to TigressSerena)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 3:18:34 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I can honestly say this hasn't happened to me (yet). I am sure there may well be a first time, given my brief experience level.

- Susan


Well I think there's a theme here and if you can learn from what we did wrong maybe you won't. Then again, I can't say I wouldn't do it all over again, even if it came with the bad parts. I've learned and grown a lot, and overcome a lot of emotional hurdles. So in the long run I'd say it was all worth it.

Except for the tweezer like nipple clamps. (despite what Bear says)

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: What went wrong? - 7/10/2006 3:44:39 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		My first s/m experience ever was at a play party. Overall I very much enjoyed the whole 2+ hour session, but towards the end of the session, the Top took a crop to my breasts and started off too hard rather than building up and it knocked me out of the good feelings for awhile. He and I talked afterward about the entire scene and discussed the crop problem and he has become a friend. Even though there was a bad part in it, it still turned out ok because of open honest communication.

< Message edited by SweetSarijane -- 7/10/2006 3:46:36 PM >

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 20
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