RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice"

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Gauge -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/24/2014 6:25:12 PM)
Please stay with me as I develop this point... it will go somewhere I promise. I watch a lot of horror movies. What does that have to do with anything? Well, it is simple, I watch horror movies because they are fun, entertaining and horribly violent. I revel in the violence, enjoy watching people get dispatched in inventive ways, and generally just like some of the situations. I laugh at the stupidity of the victims in some cases and I sometimes admire the villain. By now, I am sure that you are going for the "block" button because I am a sick and twisted individual... but if you can hold off for a minute, I will explain why I enjoy horror so much. I believe that everyone has a terribly dark side that we totally ignore. If history has taught us anything it is that human beings can do some repugnant things to each other. Many people tend to ignore that dark part of themselves, either willingly or by their own set of values and morality which become second nature and do not need any thought. It is a self-inflicted denial of a vital part of who we all have the potential to be, but we choose to take a different path in life. My reveling in horror films and books is how I keep that dark side of me under control; I let it out for an hour or two so it can feed and then tuck it safely back in its corner. I believe that provides a balance in my life and a perspective on the capacity for great destruction that we all have within us. Part of my attraction to BDSM is that I get to let that dark side of me out, and while it is out I enjoy the power rush, among other perks. The first time I ever slapped a woman, she had asked me to but everything inside of me, the things that I had been taught, cried out that it was wrong and that I was a bad person because I hit her. When she began to writhe and beg me to slap her harder, I found myself really digging the fact that it was indulging something that was "naughty" and "wrong" and while I was causing another human being pain, she could not stop writhing in pleasure which only threw massive amounts of fuel on that fire within me. Make no mistake, I am a nice guy, but that darkness is there and I found a controlled way to tap into that part of myself in order to indulge my desire for BDSM. Only you know whether or not you can push the "nice guy" down long enough in order to let your "bad guy" side out. You have to realize something, if you love this woman, and it sounds like you do, then you should find a way to fulfill this desire of hers... not because she wants that, but because you want to be that for her. Doing so will not make you an asshole, it will bring you together in a way that you may never have thought possible before. My suggestion to you is that you learn to embrace your darker side, tuck the "nice guy" away for a few hours and relish in the feeling of power that it can give you. If you are definitely a dominant and if you have experienced anything remotely close to what I have described, you know what I am talking about. Give yourself permission to be the bad guy for once. If you want to read "The Loving Dominant" it is a decent book and if I recall it deals a little with the internal conflict you are experiencing. I will add one caveat here for clarity sake: Embracing the darker side does not mean you lose control, not at all, in fact, it means that you must maintain a great deal of restraint... which on the surface sounds a little contradictory but it really isn't. I could blather on about safety etc. but I think you already know that. I wish you and yours the very best.

angelikaJ -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/24/2014 6:27:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Default Can anyone around here point me in the right direction to help get over the "mental block" that some refer to as being a "nice dom"? Background info: She is into humiliation, degradation, being treated like a service slut, etc. I'm a nice guy, still getting my dom pants tailored to properly fit, but since we have been married for years and I love her more than anything, it's hard to really treat her the way she wants to be treated. It feels like I care too much about "trying to make her happy" (in the vanilla way) but I know treating her in a more "degrading slutty sub" way is what she wants. I have my moments of dominance in our every day interactions, but I'm also worried about staying on the right side of the dominant/"just being an asshole" line... Hope this all makes sense, sorry if I misused any technical terms in all that (i tend to over generalize some things) let me know if you need a better explanation of what I'm getting at in my question... Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and respond. Maybe this could help: The Loving Dominant

GoddessManko -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/24/2014 6:48:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gauge My suggestion to you is that you learn to embrace your darker side, tuck the "nice guy" away for a few hours and relish in the feeling of power that it can give you. If you are definitely a dominant and if you have experienced anything remotely close to what I have described, you know what I am talking about. Give yourself permission to be the bad guy for once. If you want to read "The Loving Dominant" it is a decent book and if I recall it deals a little with the internal conflict you are experiencing. I will add one caveat here for clarity sake: Embracing the darker side does not mean you lose control, not at all, in fact, it means that you must maintain a great deal of restraint... which on the surface sounds a little contradictory but it really isn't. I could blather on about safety etc. but I think you already know that. I wish you and yours the very best. Wow, many good points Gauge, thanks for that. It's interesting you and angelika brought up that book, I might give it a look as honestly I'm unfamiliar with a pleaser side as a D rather than as an s or being "unnaturally nice". I can be a pleaser but usually with very specific people such as family. I just have that unnaturally protective nature especially with my siblings and their families, including spouses. Thanks for the book reference.

angelikaJ -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/24/2014 7:07:02 PM)
I would not have posted had I had a chance to read your post. I was waiting for the link while you were posting.

Default -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/24/2014 7:43:41 PM)
Eloquent response Guage, great insight into the "big picture" of tapping into one's own sadistic dominant side, big thanks for the response. That's three references now to The Loving Dominant by John Warren...already downloaded and reading it in my spare time, good stuff (dcnovice wins the first to recommend prize tho, lol)

Default -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/24/2014 7:53:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FightingChains I think the mask idea is an awesome one. Need to recommend it to my guy. I actually just used a (loose & breathable) pillowcase for a mask. It immediately set the mood and worked wonders. I'm sure there's all sorts of safety disclaimers to go here about doing such a thing, but I'm assuming everyone uses their common sense and safety precautions in all of this (silly to assume, i know, but i can't fix stupid).

GoddessManko -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/24/2014 8:13:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Default I actually just used a (loose & breathable) pillowcase for a mask. It immediately set the mood and worked wonders. I'm sure there's all sorts of safety disclaimers to go here about doing such a thing, but I'm assuming everyone uses their common sense and safety precautions in all of this (silly to assume, i know, but i can't fix stupid). Points for resourcefulness (I love shoelaces personally). And yes, you can't fix stupid. So I choose to IGNORE it instead. :)

DesFIP -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/24/2014 9:42:37 PM)
Having allergies, I don't like a mask. I need my nose uncovered. But a blindfold and gag are fine also. And you can make them out of bandannas from the dollar store.

Default -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/24/2014 10:38:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Having allergies, I don't like a mask. I need my nose uncovered. But a blindfold and gag are fine also. And you can make them out of bandannas from the dollar store. And this is me being too lazy to search... Is there a thread (or one that should be started?) for common household items that could be used in a scene?

Gauge -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/24/2014 10:57:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Default And this is me being too lazy to search... Is there a thread (or one that should be started?) for common household items that could be used in a scene? I will start a thread for you over in Bondage Equipment so as not to hijack this thread. http://www.collarchat.com/m_4707080/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4707080

DaddyDomLand -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/27/2014 7:27:56 PM)
Using mental Dominance and physical force to keep your sub in-line isn't being an asshole, not respecting a safeword or lying to her is being an asshole. So slap, choke, and spank away....

blackgoldd -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/28/2014 1:55:15 PM)
A Dom I knew once told me, If you are the Dom, you set the rules to what works for you as the Dom. It does not matter what your sub wants, you are not 'working' for him or her. You simply are the one in charge. I had a similar challenge early in my Dom life. My solution was to loan her out to another Dom who was able to deliver what she craved without a sexual undertone. It worked well. She never bothered me with any 'requests' ever again. Know thyself and be true to that person you know. If a sub asks for something outside your comfort zone, make it clear who is in charge and have a plan for a sub who is unuwilling to accept your authority.

FightingChains -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/28/2014 2:12:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackgoldd A Dom I knew once told me, If you are the Dom, you set the rules to what works for you as the Dom. It does not matter what your sub wants, you are not 'working' for him or her. You simply are the one in charge. Just because you are the one in charge doesn't mean you always do only what you want. It means you choose what you do. That's like saying 'I control my car so I should never drive it to get a service, because I don't like doing that. Get someone else who likes driving my car to the mechanic to do it for me, cos at least he wants to do it." Dominant means "we do what I choose", not "we do what I want".

InHisHeart -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/28/2014 3:01:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackgoldd A Dom I knew once told me, If you are the Dom, you set the rules to what works for you as the Dom. It does not matter what your sub wants, you are not 'working' for him or her. You simply are the one in charge. I wouldn't be staying in a relationship if my Dom had the attitude that it doesn't matter what I want. I wouldn't get into a relationship with a Dom who didn't feel my needs are important. Yes, he is the one in charge, no doubt about that but he also considers my wants, needs, desires. My needs are important to him and he enjoys having a happy sub who feels fulfilled and content within the relationship and having him as my Master. If he was in this relationship only with the thoughts of his needs being fulfilled, I would eventually lose the desire to serve him, I'd feel neglected, not cared for, unloved and I would walk away. He would not do something that is a hard limit of his just to please me and I would respect that just as he respects my hard limits. To me, even a D/s relationship is a 2 way street, it's not all about only the Dom's needs being met. If loaning out your sub worked well for you and her, that's great. I don't get loaned out (hard limit of mine) and Master is not one to share his prized possession with another Dom.

Arturas -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (6/28/2014 3:24:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity ~FRing it~ I went through something similar when I was starting out many moons ago. Best piece of advice I can honestly give is that you have to figure you out. What makes YOU tick as far as dominance goes? Be genuine and sincere, rather than perhaps trying to be something or someone you aren't just to try to get to her level. If that isn't you and you deep down know it, all the "fake it til you make it" in the world won't help. You can't be something you're not. It's good you are asking questions and questioning yourself. Only you have the answers that will work best for you though [:)]. Good luck and give yourself time to get your Dom pants fitting properly. excellent!

CaptR -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (7/12/2014 6:51:16 PM)
I struggled with fulfilling the desires of a masochistic lover at one time. Communication was key to our success. Once I realized by responsibly inflicting pain I was giving her what she wanted it became easier to slip into the role of provider. You don't have to be cruel or an asshole to give her what she craves. Identify with the part of her she's trying to fulfill and adapt a persona tailored to her needs. Use explicit language that encourages her release. Be rough not mean. Humiliate but be careful not to touch on a nerve that could damage her self esteem. You are having an amazing journey together, continue to communicate. Listen not only to her words but observe her physical responses. Experience is still the best teacher.

MasterRagnar -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (7/15/2014 8:41:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking Dominance is like a muscle. Work it and it will get bigger. Maybe not Mr Universe-big, but generally speaking, big enough. This is perfect. Not even thinking about it, one of my first sexual partners, I tied up and blindfolded. I don't recall why or what got me thinking about it, I just did it and she was fine with it. Then, I became ashamed of this want and suppressed it for over 10 years. I finally got over the shame and started again with cuffs, blindfolds, and toys. Then I moved into shibari, then into D/s and then Master/slave. Where am I today? Master/slave as well as DDlg --- this seems to be where I have landed and enjoy it. Of course, M/s and DDlg mean many things. Regardless, the quote is perfect. You need to experiment, taste, and see what YOU like. If you do things that you do not enjoy, it could create resentment, etc. Just please make sure that you keep the communicate open between the two of you, that is so important especially during these early phases.

Arturas -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (7/15/2014 10:54:19 PM)
I think there's been some thread drift here. We are not discussing "dominance". The Op is asking how to overcome his being nice so he can be the competent sadist SOB BDSM DOM his wife wants. Here's the rub, sadists are born that way and the competence comes with training and experience, but we are born sadistic and not trained or conditioned to be that way. Sometimes born sadists are suppressed by how they are raised but it only takes a hair trigger to overcome that and show your true colors. If you cannot overcome that "block" easily and quickly, you never will because one does not learn to be a sadist, you just are or you are not.

kinksterparty -> RE: Overcoming the mental block of being too "nice" (7/16/2014 9:48:05 PM)
I'm a "nice guy" by nature, I just happen to like the D/s dynamic in the bedroom. How should I handle it when a sub wants me to be Dom outside the bedroom? Put on a production of "Dominant Theater", in order to indulge her - or tell her I'm not really like that IRL, and will not act Dom in casual interactions?

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