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Telling Friends and Family - 6/18/2014 11:21:38 PM

needtobeowned5

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Joined: 6/17/2014
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Hello
I was hoping that someone may be able to help me I wondered if any slaves or submissives out there have told their friends and family about their roles/lifestyle etc and wondered how you did it?

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RE: Telling Friends and Family - 6/18/2014 11:29:02 PM

Valkyrien

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Joined: 5/9/2014
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I am not a "slave". But what I do in the bedroom or in my sex life in general is non of my families or friends business and I don't want it to be either. I don't ask them about theirs either.

However; my parents once found a pair of cuffs and a ton of rubbers in my room, they didn't even comment or look like they even cared about it. So that was that.

I am from Denmark, so that might have something to do with it as well.

(in reply to needtobeowned5)

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RE: Telling Friends and Family - 6/18/2014 11:36:03 PM

needtobeowned5

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Thank you so much for your reply Valkyrien, I meant if you were going into a 24/7 Master Slave relationship rather then just about the sex life I am just struggling with how to be a slave without friends or family noticing etc

(in reply to Valkyrien)

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RE: Telling Friends and Family - 6/19/2014 12:35:58 AM

sansa

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/7/2006
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This will really depend on you and the One that Owns you. If you walk around in cuffs and collar as a matter of fashion, no one will be the wiser. If it's something new to you, then someone's going to ask why you're doing it. If you call your Owner Master or Mistress, in front of someone you don't want to know about your lifestyle, then they're going to wonder at that. It's a matter of finding a way of practicing it that you and your Owner know is your way of doing it, but nobody who doesn't need to know can tell.

For instance, if your dynamic requires you to request permission to leave the room and you need to use the restroom and are at a friend's house or a restaurant with friends or family, then you could say something like, "Please excuse me, I need to use the ladies' room," then look at your Owner with a smile and They could respond with something like "Please hurry back," or something similar but not something that would be seen as out of the ordinary.

Honorifics can also be an issue. Instead of calling your Owner "Master" or "Mistress" you could find another word that you both agree on, that you can call Them in public or in mixed company. It can be a cutesy name that most call their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, like Darling or Sugar or Pumpkin or Cupcake, or it could be an animal, like Bear or Lion, or any number of things. Perhaps you both enjoy Game of Thrones? If you're Owned by a Man, maybe call Him "my Lion of Lannister," in mixed company, or call Him "my Sun and Stars," after what Daenerys called Drogo. Or, if you attend Renaissance Faires, your Owner could be called m'Lord or m'Lady. Speaking with your Owner about this will help, the two of you can come up with something that will work as an Honorific, if that is part of your dynamic.

Also speaking with Them about what you can do as service while in mixed company. Anticipating Their need for a fresh drink is one way, and isn't necessarily completely obvious to the casual observer. Taking Their plate to the kitchen after having dinner, whether in your own home or at the home of a friend or family member. Your friends and family might question you over it, but you can respond with something like you enjoy feeling like you can take care of (whatever you call your Owner). Speaking with Them about what you are comfortable with, while in mixed company, will help with this. Being open and honest about how far you are willing to go will make certain both you and the One that Owns you are happy within your dynamic, whether alone, in the company of lifestyle folks, or in the company of vanilla friends and family.

(in reply to needtobeowned5)

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RE: Telling Friends and Family - 6/19/2014 5:30:17 AM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
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Two of our very close vanilla friends and my sister who are all open-minded know and it was never an issue for them. We're not so stringent that we can't do things in a different fashion when around others or out in public. We still carry on the D/s dynamic but in a more subtle way than when we're home and he uses motions for certain things he wants me to do. How we do things in public isn't obvious to others but is to us.

For instance if we're visiting friends or family, he always sits down first, if he wants me to sit on the couch next to him, he'll put his hand on the couch cushion next to him, if he wants me sit on the floor, he'll put his hand on his knee. If he wants another drink, he'll hand me his empty glass. I walk on his left and slightly behind him with my hand around his elbow or he'll hold my hand with me walking next to but slightly behind him. I call him Sir(first name) or Captain around others. If anyone comments on anything, simply saying "this is just how we like it." works.

IHH

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to needtobeowned5)

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RE: Telling Friends and Family - 6/19/2014 9:03:04 AM

littleladybug

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I told one of my dear vanilla friends about my lifestyle several months ago. She basically told me that she loved me and accepted me...and never wanted to hear talk about it again. LOL A couple of my other close friends know, because my previous Dom was more vocal about our lifestyle than I would ever be. At the end of the day, I believe that you do what you are comfortable with, and that this needs to be in a serious discussion with any partner that you have.

For me, and as a result of my own family dynamics, I am fairly certain that no one in my family will ever be privy to the exact nature of my relationships. My previous Dom was well aware of this, and was very, very good about it, and my current partner is aware of it as well. In my opinion, all my family needs to know is that I have met someone who treats me well, and that I am happy. I could not, and would not, be with someone who didn't respect this.

My current partner and I have been working through some of these issues, as part of our preliminary discussions. Much as IHH mentioned, there will be a different procedure for public than for private that will be meaningful for us, but not necessarily for others. This is exactly what I want.

The essence of all of this, IMO, comes down to one thing: communication. As in any relationship, it is essential for both parties to be on the same page with things.

(in reply to InHisHeart)

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RE: Telling Friends and Family - 6/19/2014 9:08:52 AM

Domnotlooking

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Once you tell about it, you can't un-tell about it.

Given that most people will have some kind negative reaction about the disclosure born of ignorance, I see mostly down side with a smattering of 'that's nice'-neutral.

I'm just not seeing any upside at all.

(in reply to littleladybug)

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RE: Telling Friends and Family - 6/19/2014 9:21:44 AM

RockaRolla

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My mother's aware of my non-monogamy and accepts it. Doesn't really understand, and I think she's convinced all of such relationships would be just a phase and never last, but realizes that it makes me happy. Though honestly I think she assumes at this point that I have sex with all my friends.

I broke the news to her one Valentine's day when I was seeing a couple. She told me she already figured it out.

As far as the BDSM stuff? I'm keeping it to myself.

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RE: Telling Friends and Family - 6/19/2014 11:02:20 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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I am in a 24/7 relationship. I don't tell anyone anything. I allow them to see us relate. What they see is two people in love who do things for each other, who love and respect each other.

Now, he's not going to say Bitch, fetch me more tea in front of others because that would make them worry and a good person doesn't needlessly upset their inlaws or stepchildren. Or his own parents or kids for that matter.

He simply says Honey can you refill my tea and I get up and do it. Nobody notices anything. I can assure you that nobody in this house has been harmed by his no brussel sprouts rule, except me. Nobody ever says "I want brussel sprouts and you're mean for forbidding them". He likes mint ice cream and my daughter doesn't. He hasn't decreed that she should suffer, simply that we keep mint for him and chocolate chip for her.

I am assuming that there is no reason you have to come down to breakfast naked or wearing nothing but chains. Or start mealtime conversation with how sore your anus is from the dry ass rape play of the previous evening.

What do you think people are going to say? Because we can help offer suggestions of how to respond.

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Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to RockaRolla)

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RE: Telling Friends and Family - 6/19/2014 4:12:02 PM

FortWayneSub

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Joined: 9/27/2004
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I have a couple of friends who are aware of my lifestyle. They are my safe call. They could have to save my life one day.

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RE: Telling Friends and Family - 6/28/2014 8:30:40 AM

Domnotlooking

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Once you tell people, you can't untell them.

This will color their perception of you forever, and usually make them judgmental towards you. Also, they will tell others. You won't be able to influence how they share your bit of juicy gossip or what they add to it.

Do you like leaning into punches too?

(in reply to FortWayneSub)

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RE: Telling Friends and Family - 6/28/2014 11:21:34 AM

InHisHeart

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Joined: 3/22/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

Once you tell people, you can't untell them.

This will color their perception of you forever, and usually make them judgmental towards you. Also, they will tell others. You won't be able to influence how they share your bit of juicy gossip or what they add to it.

The friends I have told, I've been close friends with just about my whole life, they are also open-minded people. I never felt judged by them and I've never judged them about things they told me about their personal life. I also trust that what is said in confidence to these people whether it be about my lifestyle or about anything personal that they will keep it for their ears only just as they can trust that I don't talk to others about personal things they have told me.

If someone wants to judge me, they can judge me. I can't control what others think about me, what they say about me or who they say it to but I have complete control over my reaction to it and I'm not ashamed of who I am, the lifestyle we lead and I never had the fear of what if people find out. I live my life how I choose to live it, the only opinion of me that matters is my opinion of myself.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to Domnotlooking)

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RE: Telling Friends and Family - 7/1/2014 7:54:09 AM

preytolife

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Eh. I tell close friends. My parents know. It doesn't need to be over-complicated, I just explained it in terms of devotion and preferring traditional roles in my relationships. They knew about when I was experimenting with poly and it turns out they weren't unaware of BDSM. Now the sadomasochistic aspects can be harder to explain but I've found for the most part they don't wanna know and I don't need to tell them specifics.

Friends are more likely to ask specific questions out of curiosity and in those cases making analogies helps. Giving examples and trying to find common ground.

My family found out about it when I was in a relationship and they've met several of my previous partners. I also didn't try to explain protocol to them or attempt to push that anywhere outside my home, so that may affect things as well. Some people will distance themselves from you, some people don't need to know. In most cases if I don't make a big deal of it, why should anyone else?

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"No man is so good as to be free from all evil, nor so bad as to be worth nothing." - Norse Proverb

(in reply to InHisHeart)

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RE: Telling Friends and Family - 7/6/2014 11:50:28 PM

alumina

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To be quite honest with you, if kink is a big part of your life, your relationship and your being, then do what you think is right. I have come out of the kink closet to my parents, they try and understand it, struggle sometimes but are otherwise supportive. It took a lot of pressure off a previous relationship when we were dating, because my parents began to understand that the power exchange was wanted and equal, and he wasn't just being "Controlling". When I came out to my parents I just did it slowly.. They would ask what I had gotten up to over the weekend, I said went to a kinky party... they laughed and didn't ask many questions. I continued going and growing and becoming more and more a kink lifestyler, and my parents asked some questions, but now my mom even tries to understand the deeper parts of kink and D/s, M/s lifestyles.

As for my friends, all of them know. It has never been something I hid from them. I think everyone needs their vanilla world to keep them sane. I have some kink friends, and the rest are vanilla with an openness to learning about kink. It is really nice to be able to talk to them about frustrations and such, and sometimes they get it and sometimes they don't. Friends shouldn't judge you for an internal need, and for achieving something that makes you happy...

a

(in reply to preytolife)

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