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What would help you gain self confidence & overcome jea... - 6/20/2014 11:47:41 AM   
Default


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/16/2014
Status: offline 		Curious about everyone's opinion...Is it is even possible for someone else to help you gain self confidence, or is that strictly an internal growth?

I was just wondering if any of you have ever had a Dom help you gain self confidence, and/or overcome jealousy?

(I feel like the two have a direct correlation, gain more self confidence and then you don't feel as jealous)

What exercises were effective? Any creative ideas?
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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/20/2014 12:00:09 PM   
riderchick320


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/1/2013
Status: offline 		Personally, I believe you need to be alone. I don't think you gain self confidence from others. Spend some time alone, doing things that make you happy. Realize that you are strong as a person whether or not you have or want a dom. Find your interests as a person and grow in that sense. It will help you learn that you can be strong and single and you can lead your own life, even if you don't want to.

As for the connection you are drawing between self confidence and jealousy, I see it, but I think you are missing trust. When you are confident in yourself you will not feel that your partner wants to cheat or leave you. I get that, but no matter how confident you are in yourself, I think you need to understand that jealousy is a result of fear and lack of trust in your partner. Instead of internalizing it, and thinking you are the problem due to your low self esteem, I'd wonder what kind of relationship you have that you don't trust the person you are with to love and accept you.

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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/20/2014 12:04:16 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		Contrary to the above, what helped me overcome my own self-confidence issues was to get out more. Before I found myself stuck in a vicious depressive cycle of "I'm always alone, must be that nobody wants me around - nobody wants me around because I'm always alone." When I started forcing myself to be more social, and finding myself within a group of people who liked me, my misconceptions and that cycle faded away.

Do I still have issues with insecurity from time to time? Yes. It's not something that will change overnight. But it helps a lot.

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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/20/2014 12:50:03 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Are your needs fully met? Because if so, there shouldn't be jealousy. But if my partner won't meet my needs but will engage in that behavior with someone else, then yes, I will be jealous.

It doesn't mean that I'm automatically going to be okay with whatever he wants. That's a function of my boundaries.

I would be jealous if we went out to a party and spent all night talking to other people and not welcoming me into the conversation.

If he did welcome me into the conversation, then I wouldn't be jealous. But I still wouldn't be okay with poly even if my needs were fully met.

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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/20/2014 1:09:10 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline 		I am afraid, but I don't really do jealousy...if this would be within my partnership then I would obviously be with the wrong partner.

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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/20/2014 2:02:02 PM   
Default


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Joined: 6/16/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Riderchick320
As for the connection you are drawing between self confidence and jealousy, I see it, but I think you are missing trust.

Trust is definitely part of a confident relationship, but I'm referring to a general sense of self confidence.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Are your needs fully met? Because if so, there shouldn't be jealousy. But if my partner won't meet my needs but will engage in that behavior with someone else, then yes, I will be jealous.

I guess the question is who determines how much attention someone needs... some people feel the need to always get attention but are still never satisfied, so they become jealous at any little thing that distracts from being paid attention to.


More specifically, I'm asking about the self confidence in things like showing off your body without hesitation or having that awkward feeling of everyone negatively judging you. Are there things a Dom can push you to do that would help (i.e. having her be naked in front of others, would that have a negative or positive impact? - just an extreme example there, not actually considering that as a good thing to do), or is this strictly an internal struggle of self?



< Message edited by Default -- 6/20/2014 2:31:26 PM >

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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/20/2014 2:37:07 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		Jealousy need not be the result of one's needs not being met, especially if you find yourself in a new relationship dynamic. Which, going on the OP's previous posts in the forum, I'm guessing is the case.

But yes, the confidence issues are mostly internal. But putting yourself out there will go a long way toward helping you overcome them as you see your negative perceptions of self proven wrong. I don't think that having your Dom force you into a position will do much help - at that point you'll probably be too uncomfortable. The only one who can overcome this is you.

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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/21/2014 9:03:33 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Default
<snip>
I guess the question is who determines how much attention someone needs... some people feel the need to always get attention but are still never satisfied, so they become jealous at any little thing that distracts from being paid attention to.

More specifically, I'm asking about the self confidence in things like showing off your body without hesitation or having that awkward feeling of everyone negatively judging you....


I'm assuming this is the bisexual submissive female half of this married couple who is OP. You're wanting to know how to overcome your insecurities, and it's good that you are aware of the symptoms which are affecting you. Short of therapy, if these personal insecurities have become impediments to your daily functioning or coping abilities, you have to ask yourself why do you behave the way you do.

If it's constant attention and reassurances you seek, then this is unfair to your Dom husband. These are more than likely insecurities stemming from your childhood experiences and family of origin dynamics. Whether you consider yourselves equal partners or not, your marriage is a partnership. If your love tank is always running on empty and your rely on your husband to refill your tank at the expense of his own, then how long do you estimate it will be before his gets depleted?

quote:

ORIGINAL: riderchick320
<snip>
As for the connection you are drawing between self confidence and jealousy, I see it, but I think you are missing trust. When you are confident in yourself you will not feel that your partner wants to cheat or leave you. I get that, but no matter how confident you are in yourself, I think you need to understand that jealousy is a result of fear and lack of trust in your partner. Instead of internalizing it, and thinking you are the problem due to your low self esteem, I'd wonder what kind of relationship you have that you don't trust the person you are with to love and accept you.

Let me first make a distinction between jealousy and possessiveness. Getting jealous, assuming you're not being provoked, is not cool. Being possessive and protective of your partner is a natural personality trait in many people. I happen to be highly possessive, because I've always wanted to own my partner, but I am equally as fiercely protective of him, my family, my friends, my pets. This doesn't mean I need him to be attentive to me at all times. Everybody has other obligations, their job, their relatives, perhaps children by a previous relationship, a pet they've bonded with, other attachments; and these are necessary to maintain healthy boundaries. If you have self-esteem issues, then you have to act on making improvements to yourself and in psyching yourself up to maintain a positive attitude and outlook on life. You can start out small by consistently setting realistic goals, then in reaching them little by little. Rome wasn't built in a day.

As for showing off your body, don't you do that for your husband? Who else do you need to be showing off your body to? If he isn't giving you enough compliments, or if you're a romance junkie, then you need to tell your husband what it is in concrete terms you need from him. Tell him you want him to whisper sweet nothings in your ear; he can't read your mind and anticipate your every wish. Best of luck.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/21/2014 9:18:31 PM   
Valkyrien


Posts: 147
Joined: 5/9/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla

Contrary to the above, what helped me overcome my own self-confidence issues was to get out more. Before I found myself stuck in a vicious depressive cycle of "I'm always alone, must be that nobody wants me around - nobody wants me around because I'm always alone." When I started forcing myself to be more social, and finding myself within a group of people who liked me, my misconceptions and that cycle faded away.

Do I still have issues with insecurity from time to time? Yes. It's not something that will change overnight. But it helps a lot.


I 2nd this^^

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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/23/2014 10:27:42 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If they need more attention then you want to give, then you aren't compatible.

Claiming they are attention whores is not a good thing. Any more than them claiming you're a cold fish who doesn't give emotional intimacy.
The fact that your needs are not compatible is never a good reason to be nasty to or about someone else.

And they are allowed to have needs of their own that don't match yours. This is what the dating period is supposed to be for, finding out if you're compatible or not.

You don't make yourself bigger by making someone else smaller.

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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/23/2014 2:44:31 PM   
Default


Posts: 20
Joined: 6/16/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If they need more attention then you want to give, then you aren't compatible.

Claiming they are attention whores is not a good thing. Any more than them claiming you're a cold fish who doesn't give emotional intimacy.


Lol, that's a pretty harsh way to look at it, not sure if that's a response directed specifically at my posts or not, but just in case (to save face here) I tend to generalize and exaggerate things when trying to get my points across (probably more than I should).
I'm also not sure I would totally agree that just because there are differing levels of desired personal attention, the relationship itself would be considered incompatible, just my personal opinion though.


quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

I'm assuming this is the bisexual submissive female half of this married couple who is OP. You're wanting to know how to overcome your insecurities, and it's good that you are aware of the symptoms which are affecting you. Short of therapy, if these personal insecurities have become impediments to your daily functioning or coping abilities, you have to ask yourself why do you behave the way you do.



It's husdom who keeps bothering you lovely people and typing everything here, but the subwife follows along the way and we discuss it together when we get the chance (and we had great discussions and time together over the weekend )


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rockarolla

But yes, the confidence issues are mostly internal. But putting yourself out there will go a long way toward helping you overcome them as you see your negative perceptions of self proven wrong. I don't think that having your Dom force you into a position will do much help - at that point you'll probably be too uncomfortable. The only one who can overcome this is you.



Great points, thank you, and a thank to you everyone else while I'm at it, great stuff in these forums!

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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/23/2014 3:24:01 PM   
FightingChains


Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline 		My partner had a lot of insecurities and lack of self confidence. Not to mention jealousy.

My way of getting him to overcome jealousy was to overcome his fears of losing me. He was jealous because he was afraid he'd lose me when I realised the person I was with was so much better than he was. That was a load of crap. My guy is the best guy i know and that isn't going to change over a few conversations with someone else, nor am I going to boycott him the moment I find a more awesome guy. My guy is better than I deserve, and I value him and I had to remind him of that and encourage him as a partner that he is awesome and I won't leave him.

As for a lack of confidence in everyday things: I made him take charge of the things he felt lacking in confidence over. Confidence comes through experience. He felt like I ran the house. I paid the bills, managed planning everything, basically ran the house, and he had never lived by himself. I got deployed and said 'It's your opportunity to take charge of this stuff, cos I don't want you feeling incompetent and without confidence.' Things are only daunting when you've never done them before and realised they're simple. I came back and he was more confident in himself.

Personal confidence and insecurity? That takes time. Getting a person to believe they're a great person is about making them realise and accept that the people who know them well respect them, making them accept their many skills and personal value. Counselling can really help, and I just showed him how awesome and competent he was. Let him realise himself how respectable and valuable he was. I showed him I respected his opinion, asked for it, reminded him of his skill in that area and trusted his judgement. Those things really helped him as my partner believe in himself, value himself, and give him the personal confidence that he's a damn good guy I'd be an idiot to lose.

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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/23/2014 6:41:00 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Default


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If they need more attention then you want to give, then you aren't compatible.

Claiming they are attention whores is not a good thing. Any more than them claiming you're a cold fish who doesn't give emotional intimacy.


Lol, that's a pretty harsh way to look at it, not sure if that's a response directed specifically at my posts or not, but just in case (to save face here) I tend to generalize and exaggerate things when trying to get my points across (probably more than I should).
I'm also not sure I would totally agree that just because there are differing levels of desired personal attention, the relationship itself would be considered incompatible, just my personal opinion though.




I didn't realize this was a couple profile. Regardless, most people don't suddenly announce one day that they have excessive attention needs. It usually comes from someone else telling you that repeatedly.
Now, if this isn't a relationship issue, then it comes from someplace else. Probably family of origin or a former relationship. If so, then the partner can be helpful by reminding the other person is not overly needy. That you're not her/his ex or mother. And that you are almost always happy to spend some time and focus on them.



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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/26/2014 5:41:01 PM   
HeldandHappy


Posts: 13
Joined: 5/14/2014
From: CA
Status: offline 		Just to put my opinion in general terms, I have found that, while real growth has to come from within yourself, an excellent Dom can give you steps and inspiration to get there, sometimes even giving you steps that never occurred to you before.

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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/26/2014 6:15:05 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		Jealousy is about what you don't have, not what others do.

My Arizona girl once asked me if I was jealous of her friends. I told her that I was jealous of the fact that they could just stroll on over and spend time with her, which is slightly less convenient for myself, being 2,500 miles away; but I wasn't jealous of her friends, or of her having friends, or even what she did with them. It wasn't about trust. It was about not being able to do something as simple as visit her whenever I wanted, and spending some time with her, even idle time enjoying one another's presence.

If you want to relate that in sexual terms, it still works out to the same thing. Why are you having sex with someone else instead of me, can be reworded to say, why am I not having sex with you when you want sex? There can be quite a few different answers for that. In my own experience, the answer usually comes down to, I have something with this other person that is unique to him/her and I, and I want to share that experience with them. I liken it to a pansexual view, where a person is aroused by different individuals for different reasons unique to that person, and that relationship. The insecurity that often follows still stems from a self sense of loss - what unique thing do I not have, that this other person does, that makes you want to have sex with them also? It evokes questions of being "good enough" and can erode confidence; and that is why any poly relationship without trust, support and security will eventually collapse upon itself.

If you want to overcome feelings of jealousy, you have to take an honest look at the factors which will provoke it. Do you have expectations of being the "primary"? Does your partner spend more time with the other person? What do you celebrate together, what belongs only to the two of you? How do you communicate your status to one another? Are you hard wired to be monogamous? None of these are bad questions, and both partners need to be able to answer them without censorship or fear of reprisal/denial/dismissive reactions. There is nothing wrong with being who you are.

Self confidence comes from supporting yourself through recognition of your own abilities and achievements. If you invest your sense of self worth in something outside of yourself, like another person, then they will probably impact your self view - however it is extremely important to recognize that this is unhealthy. Maybe you can't cook, but you can balance the books; maybe you can't fix a car, but you can handle the kids. No one is completely devoid of all skill and ability. If you take the time to appreciate who you are when everything else is removed from the equation, you can become confident.

You ultimately control the growth and health of your own self confidence, but it will be influenced, by friends, lovers, family, role models. You may see someone do something that you would love to do, and find out that it's something you're no good at. That doesn't lessen your value as a human being, it just means that you don't have a knack for the skillsets required to perform the task you want to engage in. Not everyone can play classical piano; not everyone can walk a tightrope. If you focus on the things you can't do, you won't develop the things you can, so be mindful of that and honest with yourself when it comes to taking on new things. That includes recognizing what you're good at, and giving yourself credit for those abilities.

[Ugh. I feel like a cheap knock off of Tony Robbins just saying that, but it happens to be true, and it's a response worth giving to the OP's question.]

Hope that helps.


< Message edited by RemoteUser -- 6/26/2014 6:16:55 PM >

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RE: What would help you gain self confidence & overcome... - 6/26/2014 9:16:14 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Default

Curious about everyone's opinion...Is it is even possible for someone else to help you gain self confidence, or is that strictly an internal growth?

I was just wondering if any of you have ever had a Dom help you gain self confidence, and/or overcome jealousy?

(I feel like the two have a direct correlation, gain more self confidence and then you don't feel as jealous)

What exercises were effective? Any creative ideas?


OK, the first thing that popped into my head was the question of what is it that you are not telling us? The reason why I am asking is quite simple actually, one normally doesn't ask something like this without causality.

My questions would be:

Who is it that is not feeling confident? Is it the dominant, is it the sub? Is it a mixture of both?

How does the lack of confidence manifest itself? Is it in playtime or is it in everyday life or both?

Self-confidence and jealousy are not necessarily tandem emotions unless one is jealous of someone else and their self-confidence. Is the jealousy manifesting itself in a subtle way or is it overt?

A lack of self-confidence would imply insecurity which could give birth to jealousy, would this be a better description of the dynamic that is happening?

If, for any reason, you do not wish to answer these questions on the forums, feel free to inbox me the answers and I can help from there.

My slut has had pretty severe self-confidence problems, all of which come from a past where she lacked any validation for being an individual. She felt worthless, stupid and served everyone else at the expense of her own well being. When she met me, I told her that she was worthwhile, that she mattered, that she had been lied to and that her serving others may be a natural tendency for her, but if she was ignoring her own needs in order to fulfill others needs, then that was a toxic dynamic and needed to change. Imagine her surprise, a dominant that didn't want her to be a doormat. Over the time that we have been together she has grown by leaps and bounds over the day I met her for the first time. She now understands that she is worthwhile and not stupid, she understands that she matters and she also understands and is able to identify the toxic relationships in her life. She still struggles, but I just remind her of these things and dust her off and set her back down on the right path.

Self confidence is an inside job. No one can fight what is very much an internal battle for someone else. All we can do is help the other person recognize what fuels their lack of confidence, help them to understand that they matter and are worthwhile fighting for and then do whatever we can to show them what we have told them. They must first be comfortable in their own skin before anything, they don't have to like everything about themselves, but good and bad are part of the overall picture and accepting that on all levels will go a long way in building confidence. People that lack self-confidence tend to dwell on the weaknesses and do not know, or they forget that they have good solid strengths. Have them do a personal inventory of their strengths and weaknesses, it is best to write this down so they can refer to it in the future if need be. Help them with the inventory if they need it or want it. Part of building strength is to know what your strengths are and what your weaknesses are, then you have someplace to start working on those weaknesses. You might also want to point out after they have completed that inventory that it took a great deal of strength to do that. Looking at the good stuff is easy, looking at the bad stuff takes a lot of courage.

My first few months of sobriety I was dealing with so much wreckage that I had created, I was dealing with my divorce, losing my job, becoming homeless, and basically everything else that could have happened to me did. I had no confidence, nor did I believe in myself enough to be able to make it through all of the shit, so I had to focus on what strengths I knew that I had. I knew I had a brain and that I could use it, I knew how to communicate, I knew that I had to stay sober or I would die... death is great motivation. My point is that I couldn't see through all of the bad stuff sometimes, I had to make a concentrated effort in order to remind myself that I could get through everything, stay sober and come out on top. I did. That was almost 14 years ago. I used my strengths to build my confidence and as I did that, things got easier. I felt more able to face things than I ever had before and I was getting stronger every day. It is a process.

I don't know if this has helped any or not. There are plenty of ways to build confidence, but without first believing that you are worth fighting for, it will never bear fruit.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

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