Rough vs BDSM (Full Version)

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FightingChains -> Rough vs BDSM (6/26/2014 11:48:07 PM)

I had an awkward situation with a mate at work who inadvertently found out about my interest in rough, overpowering, demanding men.

He asked me a question that made me think:

Where is the line between someone getting rough, demanding and overpowering with your lover, and BDSM?

Any thoughts?



Gauge -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (6/27/2014 12:01:19 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains

I had an awkward situation with a mate at work who inadvertently found out about my interest in rough, overpowering, demanding men.

He asked me a question that made me think:

Where is the line between someone getting rough, demanding and overpowering with your lover, and BDSM?

Any thoughts?


The point where one loses control over the situation.



FightingChains -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (6/27/2014 12:15:16 AM)

Even in BDSM, there must be consent, so no one really loses control anyway, do they? [;)]

Sorry, playing devil's advocate!



PandoraFoxxx -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (6/27/2014 12:31:15 AM)

I suppose that depends on your definition of losing control. I sure as hell don't have any control in some situations, but I consent to that *giggles* [:D]



DarkSteven -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (6/27/2014 5:33:05 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains

I had an awkward situation with a mate at work who inadvertently found out about my interest in rough, overpowering, demanding men.

He asked me a question that made me think:

Where is the line between someone getting rough, demanding and overpowering with your lover, and BDSM?

Any thoughts?


Yeah.

1. If he found out that you're into kink and/or gay, there's something wrong with the firewalls you should be setting up.
2. "I'm sorry, but when we're at work, I consider any talk pertaining to sex to be out of place."



Blonderfluff -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (6/27/2014 5:55:05 AM)

I think a pretty clear line is "anger".

If the actions are motivated by anger or negative emotions =bad
Motivated by lust, mutual consent=not bad

Sometimes it is a fine line in that only the people involved can really make that delineation.



FightingChains -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (6/27/2014 6:02:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Yeah.

1. If he found out that you're into kink and/or gay, there's something wrong with the firewalls you should be setting up.
2. "I'm sorry, but when we're at work, I consider any talk pertaining to sex to be out of place."


I'm military and everyone's partners get brought up in the unit. It happens. The fact that mine is a man? That shouldn't stop me from being able to mention him.

It came out when I was being helped drunk off the ground during shore leave and my shirt slipped up and he saw marks on my back. He was worried I was being beaten up by guys in the unit. I had to explain.

Perhaps next time refrain from assuming. The whole 'something wrong with my firewalls' thing was a bit offensive.



Miyani -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (6/27/2014 9:33:31 AM)

In my mind, rough sex is a form of BDSM. There isn't a line, just a little Venn diagram.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (6/28/2014 9:59:28 AM)

I agree with Miyani...rough sex is just this side of BDSM. Of course , there could arise a few issues: in BDSM, most folks have a fairly good idea just how rough things are going to get. They also...in most cases, though not all...have a safeword or some sort of signal to indicate stoppage if things get too heavy or go awry. Many times in rough play, there's been no such discussion.

I also agree with Dark...though you may have taken offense, in today's work environments, His words ring true.



FightingChains -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (6/28/2014 1:37:48 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

I also agree with Dark...though you may have taken offense, in today's work environments, His words ring true.


Ok, so I should lie and say my partner is a woman when people at work ask, and I should have my clothes glued to me in case they see marks from impact play? Otherwise my 'firewalls' are not good enough?

Give me a break.



lovethyself -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (6/30/2014 6:47:10 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant
I also agree with Dark...though you may have taken offense, in today's work environments, His words ring true.


But the OP only mentioned his work to reference where the question had come up. His actual question had nothing to do with the fact that it was discussed at work. Steven read into the first part of the OP and missed the actual question.

OP, I'm not sure there is any difference between rough sex and BDSM other than the name attached to it. For someone that doesn't consider themselves kinky, it would be rough sex, for someone kinky, they might have different descriptors to say the same thing.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (6/30/2014 9:13:00 PM)

~FRing it~

I think it's pretty much like a lot of other things...

There can be rough/demanding/overpowering without any interest on the part of said person as far as BDSM goes
There can be BDSM without rough/demanding/overpowering
And there can be a combination of the two

It really just depends on where you personally feel the line is

On another note, if you don't mind discussing your personal business at work...more powe to you. But if you don't feel ok with that, it's perfectly ok to tell a coworker that you are find and your personal affairs are none of their business. For me personally, what my guy and I do behind closed doors is not the business of anyone who wasn't a party to the events. But that's just me [:)]



FieryOpal -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (7/17/2014 6:15:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Miyani

In my mind, rough sex is a form of BDSM. There isn't a line, just a little Venn diagram.

I think it would depend on how rough and how aggressive the sex gets.
If you are doing primal play with take-downs, few rules or limits, that would be BDSM. So would rape/ravishment play.
Having a wrestling fetish could be considered BDSM.
Just doing some light bedroom wrestling is more vanilla, IMO, like my husband and I used to do.
Once the bed restraints and/or bondage items come out, it's BDSM. [:D]



egern -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (7/18/2014 5:12:05 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains

I had an awkward situation with a mate at work who inadvertently found out about my interest in rough, overpowering, demanding men.

He asked me a question that made me think:

Where is the line between someone getting rough, demanding and overpowering with your lover, and BDSM?

Any thoughts?



Permission.



thompsonx -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (7/18/2014 7:05:18 AM)


ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

2. "I'm sorry, but when we're at work, I consider any talk pertaining to sex to be out of place."

I play piano in a brothel[:(]why must you suck all the joy out of my life?



Kaliko -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (7/19/2014 10:05:50 AM)

FR

Not really off topic, but sort of straying... I used to think pretty much everyone liked rough sex. I thought it was just something everyone did. Like, pretty much everyone kisses during sex at some point, right? And pretty much everyone takes at least some of their clothes off? And there's usually some sort of penetration involved? (Not talking kink here.) Well, I thought that things getting rough was kind of par for the course for even the most vanilla of folk. It hasn't happened every single time I've had some sort of sexual activity, of course, but neither has kissing or nudity or penetration. But in general? Yeah, I thought everybody got rough until I was fairly recently advised otherwise. It still surprises me a little bit. With increased speed and intensity, I assumed everyone would want to push the intensity throughout their whole body and psyche. LOL - I didn't realize it was a "thing" and not the norm.

So, the difference between getting rough and BDSM? I'm going to say power. If I'm not in a D/s relationship, and the man I'm having sex with starts overpowering me in a way that I don't want him to, I have the power to stop the whole thing and still be within the boundaries of the balance of our relationship. In a D/s relationship (how I define it, anyway), if he starts in with something I don't want him to do, I have the power to say so, but not the power to stop it. That control belongs to him.



FieryOpal -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (7/19/2014 11:25:45 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

In a D/s relationship (how I define it, anyway), if he starts in with something I don't want him to do, I have the power to say so, but not the power to stop it. That control belongs to him.

I don't quite understand why you say you don't have "the power to stop it." You can safe word, you can withdraw consent. You don't give up control, unless you have consented to, which takes it to more of a CNC or "forced" level, where your consent is implicit.

I would think that it is in a non-D/s setting where you risk not having the power or ability to stop your partner's course of action.



Kaliko -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (7/19/2014 12:53:47 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

In a D/s relationship (how I define it, anyway), if he starts in with something I don't want him to do, I have the power to say so, but not the power to stop it. That control belongs to him.

I don't quite understand why you say you don't have "the power to stop it." You can safe word, you can withdraw consent. You don't give up control, unless you have consented to, which takes it to more of a CNC or "forced" level, where your consent is implicit.




I was saying that in comparison to the sentence just before it, when I said that if it were a vanilla relationship, I could stop the activity and still be within the boundaries of the relationship to do so.

I don't use safe words or negotiated consent, so there's nothing to withdraw. (Is that CNC? I don't even know.) Otherwise, how he chooses to handle it (whatever "it" is) is his decision.




TheHeretic -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (7/20/2014 10:38:45 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FightingChains


Where is the line between someone getting rough, demanding and overpowering with your lover, and BDSM?

Any thoughts?



Accessories.

Years back, I was with a woman who wanted to be pinned down, gripped tight, folded in half, and fucked hard, but was instantly turned off by any effort to bring in anything she thought of as "kinky," and completely rejected any sort of D/s foreplay. She loved showing off the fingermark bruises on her ankles though.



slaveoubliette -> RE: Rough vs BDSM (7/20/2014 3:01:40 PM)

you need to define that yourself



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