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justheather -> RE: Reading the "sub code".... (7/10/2006 9:29:16 PM)
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You do not mention in the OP whether or not this offending person was "in the lifestyle". I think it would only be fair to bear in mind that the person may have been speaking from a place of ignorance and honestly wished to protect, not judge, you.
Maybe that person you are complaining about didnt assume he knew every innermost nuance of who you are, but rather, had seen enough to come to a conclusion, whether right or wrong, that you might have some issues that need a little tweaking and would benefit from doing some of the work of that before you set about selecting the next person to tie you up. Maybe he believed it would benefit you to have some control, or as close as a person can get to control, over your life before you hand it over to another. Maybe he thought that if you did some "me" work, you'd have better instincts when it comes to picking out "the one", kinky or not.
I do not know to what extent you have revealed yourself to this person. It is certainly likely that he was just plain out of line.
That being said, I have read some of your posts and, as an outsider, based solely on the information you have given in this forum regarding such things as picking up and moving to live with a virtual stranger, (having no back-up plan), your admission that you have misplaced your trust in at least one other Dom who took advantage of that trust, and your recent self-revelations about abuse, rape and self-injurious behaviors, I would have to say that there seems to be a body of evidence to support the notion that you are not exactly in a whole and healthy place right now. Accusing that person of just randomly putting together indiscriminate pieces of information (one particular piece of information being your desire to submit) to create a grossly distorted picture of you is unfair.
It is possible he said the things he did out of genuine concern for you. It is also possible that rather than hear the spirit of the person's message to you:
a. a potential penchant for drama has immediately taken over and decided to use it as a way to attract attention or
b. your negative self-beliefs have swiftly and efficiently taken his observations and shot them across the room into the "what's his problem?" pile so that you dont have to look at them directly and accept that maybe someone cared enough to say some hard things to you.
As I said before, I dont know to what degree this person is familiar with "the lifestyle". I think those of us who frequent this site believe that lots of really healthy and strong and whole people enjoy D/s from either side (or both) of the fence. But, the image you have painted of yourself so far on the boards is not that of a healthy and whole person. Please do not mistake this for my making any judgements about you, Im telling you what I see when I look at what you have presented here and nothing more. I am sure there is a lot more to you... more talent and strength and depth and capacity for great things than you have chosen to present here. I could say that about most people here and be correct.
But, really, people who go out in public and air their issues do sort of forefeit their right to publicly complain when other people accuse them of, well, having issues. It's only fair.
Im not saying this guy was right. I had plenty of men who claimed to be doms tell me I was messed up in the head because I didnt rip off my clothing and bow down at their feet on the first IM, and Im not "out" to a lot of very important people in my life because Im not sure their first reaction wouldnt be to refer me for therapy so I can "work out" whatever deep dark issue it is that compels me to submit.
Im just saying maybe you should look inside and see if there is something you can take from his advice that may benefit you.
If not, well, then just say "screw him" and dont worry about what he thinks. You could always the time you would have spent complaining working on your own stuff.
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