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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 5:18:14 PM

MrrPete

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quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

Ok - I'm a bit "strong" (in sub-terms, not always good). BUT... don't be happy someone listens to you...I mispoke...THEY should be happy you speak with them. I meant, be happy for the human connection.

I'm going to say something probably very unpopular with Doms/Masters/Sirs... Confidence is sexy and attractive and alluring, not just in THEM, but in US... for those who will treat you WELL. You need to be treated well already... set yourself up for that to happen.

You bet it is. The submission of a confident woman is such sweet nectar.

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 5:49:10 PM

sleazybutterfly

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I agree also. I never have figured out what the fun was in taming something that didn't resist a bit.

~Andrea

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 6:04:20 PM

diamonddreamlove

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Andrea, the problem is not you it is the Dom or perhaps your tolerance of ignorant folks in general. Why waste your time fuming and worrying over someone not worth the effort. Have met some of the same type of Doms they have told me i am a slave when i say i am a sub. If we can't agree on what my role is (and i get to choose that for myself ty) then i just don't talk to them anymore. If they say i am unstable i simply agree that i must be since i am talking to them. Then i tell them i will go take my happy pill and don't want to talk to them anymore. Respectfully i say goodbye and hangup, block and call them an _ss under my breath. I am a sub and i am me and above all i am me. Andrea sorry your father didn't accept you for who you are a beautiful and intelligent young woman.

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 6:20:45 PM

sleazybutterfly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: diamonddreamlove

Andrea, the problem is not you it is the Dom or perhaps your tolerance of ignorant folks in general. Why waste your time fuming and worrying over someone not worth the effort. Have met some of the same type of Doms they have told me i am a slave when i say i am a sub. If we can't agree on what my role is (and i get to choose that for myself ty) then i just don't talk to them anymore. If they say i am unstable i simply agree that i must be since i am talking to them. Then i tell them i will go take my happy pill and don't want to talk to them anymore. Respectfully i say goodbye and hangup, block and call them an _ss under my breath. I am a sub and i am me and above all i am me. Andrea sorry your father didn't accept you for who you are a beautiful and intelligent young woman.

Thank you for the compliment, it's appreciated. I would let you tell my father that..but..no, nevermind.. I don't think I know how to get a hold of him anymore.

~Andrea

Dammit.. I just sounded like a needy sub.. maybe they are right after all.

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 6:30:13 PM

SCORPIOXXX

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The so-called, alleged and self-appointed Dom who went psycho-doc on you, Andrea, is the sort that gives DOMs a bad name. Whatever your reasons may be for living your subness and enjoying the hell out of it, the idea that you are a danger is to laugh for, or grimace... The danger is shmucks like this idiot -- who could use an extended spell in Bellevue himself... The ones who request cam action up front prolly lean over the dinner plate and chew with their mouth open...(geeze, says the sub, can we maybe have a cyber-drink first, get acquainted a bit?). babysburnin has the right approach too: agree with their point of view and hang up!

I have followed your posts, but I won't hazard any facile guesses about the reasons for your passion...

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 6:37:45 PM

sleazybutterfly

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The thing I could never figure out about the whole thing was. The one that took me to the woods by his house..tied me to a tree..and whipped me with a stick..and had plans for more....thought I was a bit "sick"

Yes, I do agree.. when it's not in a real life situation.. it's best just to hang up, block, ignore..etc..

mmmm..now stop that.. all your cyber dom talk is turning me on...sheesh.

~Andrea

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 6:50:17 PM

irishbynature

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LOL Julia at the "mentally defective" question for Doms. (Winks....remember, to that kind of Dom, subs aren't defective when they have a submissive on their knees, right? LOL)

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 6:58:13 PM

SCORPIOXXX

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Remember the movie "Belle Du Jour" (Catherine Deneuve)? The tree action was in there, but no stick, just regular whip... And this guy also thought you were "sick"?!? You do run into the most charming characters, lol... Have a cyber-goblet of Veuve Cliquot and re-examine your dance card!

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 7:38:45 PM

sleazybutterfly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SCORPIOXXX

Remember the movie "Belle Du Jour" (Catherine Deneuve)? The tree action was in there, but no stick, just regular whip... And this guy also thought you were "sick"?!? You do run into the most charming characters, lol... Have a cyber-goblet of Veuve Cliquot and re-examine your dance card!

I think I need more than just a goblet.. perhaps a bottle would suffice.

Yes, I have met my share of characters that's for sure...my life has never been dull..at least I can say that, I suppose...lol

*cheers to you...~Andrea

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 8:09:29 PM

nephandi

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i have experienced my mother having me dragged away by three, one to three fullgrown policemen, how strong do she think i am, to a mental hospital for being depressed and staying n the sofa under a blanket all day and having troubble sleeping. i got to the hospital and was promptly declared quite sane and sendt home, but it is scary how easy it is to call the men in white coats on somone.

As for D/s pepole, oh, many of them, like many other folks like to try to inteprent pepole, i for once was acused of having two profiles and lying everyone full of shit becouse some other girl fro my city is here to and like the same colors as me on her profile, and several sub boys have wanted to make me domnant. Pleeploe like to read others, but often such readings are not correct.

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/10/2006 9:29:16 PM

justheather

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You do not mention in the OP whether or not this offending person was "in the lifestyle". I think it would only be fair to bear in mind that the person may have been speaking from a place of ignorance and honestly wished to protect, not judge, you.

Maybe that person you are complaining about didnt assume he knew every innermost nuance of who you are, but rather, had seen enough to come to a conclusion, whether right or wrong, that you might have some issues that need a little tweaking and would benefit from doing some of the work of that before you set about selecting the next person to tie you up. Maybe he believed it would benefit you to have some control, or as close as a person can get to control, over your life before you hand it over to another. Maybe he thought that if you did some "me" work, you'd have better instincts when it comes to picking out "the one", kinky or not.

I do not know to what extent you have revealed yourself to this person. It is certainly likely that he was just plain out of line.

That being said, I have read some of your posts and, as an outsider, based solely on the information you have given in this forum regarding such things as picking up and moving to live with a virtual stranger, (having no back-up plan), your admission that you have misplaced your trust in at least one other Dom who took advantage of that trust, and your recent self-revelations about abuse, rape and self-injurious behaviors, I would have to say that there seems to be a body of evidence to support the notion that you are not exactly in a whole and healthy place right now. Accusing that person of just randomly putting together indiscriminate pieces of information (one particular piece of information being your desire to submit) to create a grossly distorted picture of you is unfair.

It is possible he said the things he did out of genuine concern for you. It is also possible that rather than hear the spirit of the person's message to you:
a. a potential penchant for drama has immediately taken over and decided to use it as a way to attract attention or
b. your negative self-beliefs have swiftly and efficiently taken his observations and shot them across the room into the "what's his problem?" pile so that you dont have to look at them directly and accept that maybe someone cared enough to say some hard things to you.

As I said before, I dont know to what degree this person is familiar with "the lifestyle". I think those of us who frequent this site believe that lots of really healthy and strong and whole people enjoy D/s from either side (or both) of the fence. But, the image you have painted of yourself so far on the boards is not that of a healthy and whole person. Please do not mistake this for my making any judgements about you, Im telling you what I see when I look at what you have presented here and nothing more. I am sure there is a lot more to you... more talent and strength and depth and capacity for great things than you have chosen to present here. I could say that about most people here and be correct.

But, really, people who go out in public and air their issues do sort of forefeit their right to publicly complain when other people accuse them of, well, having issues. It's only fair.

Im not saying this guy was right. I had plenty of men who claimed to be doms tell me I was messed up in the head because I didnt rip off my clothing and bow down at their feet on the first IM, and Im not "out" to a lot of very important people in my life because Im not sure their first reaction wouldnt be to refer me for therapy so I can "work out" whatever deep dark issue it is that compels me to submit.

Im just saying maybe you should look inside and see if there is something you can take from his advice that may benefit you.

If not, well, then just say "screw him" and dont worry about what he thinks. You could always the time you would have spent complaining working on your own stuff.

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/11/2006 8:14:17 AM

sleazybutterfly

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Make no mistake, I did take much from the experience. How could you go thru that and not? I have never said anyplace that nothing in my life has bothered me in any way.. I do not however think that gives anyone the right to make me go into hiding in fear he would put me in a hospital. Lets say it was true, how is it any less stress on a person mentally to have to talk to doctors and try to explain their life story.. without having the fear you would be locked away if you said something in the "wrong way"?

This person was not specifically in the lifestyle..meaning I did not meet him at a munch or on the internet. I had coffee with him..and the tree incident. He was a man that thought a ton of degrees made him a doctor, or just much smarter than every one else. He knew how to get into your mind and really to a point, control it. He was very much a dominant person.. and in my opinion was more jealous that I could live out my life in the way that I wanted...and with his job.. he wasn't able to fulfill his fantasies of being fully in it. So, if he can't have it.. no one can.. or if he can't have me.. rather.

As for the rest. Anyone can think anything they want of me. That is part of life though, you live and you learn. I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be in any form. Does that take away my right to enjoy my life both in the lifestyle and not? I have never said I made the best choices in the past, but try and figure out why I don't regret them. I learned from them. I learned about myself.. how strong I am.. how much I am worth.. how to read people better.. etc.. so much really. I used to think I had to settle into what others thought I should be.. in order to be in the bdsm scene. I have learned that I don't. If going thru things I did brought me to be the person I am sitting here right now.. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

The person I am today, is not the person I was this day last week. That person was allowing herself to be treated in a way that she didn't deserve, this person will not allow herself to be treated in any way less than she deserves.

If people want to sit in judgement of me for the things I post..that is their right. It doesn't bother me one way or another. I am not going to hide, nor change my screen name in order to blend back into the boards.

~Andrea

PS..once again, I post on a subject that has nothing to do with past posts...and once again.. they are brought up. *yawn*

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/11/2006 9:47:37 AM

justheather

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sleazybutterfly
*yawn*

Im so sorry to have bored you.

I thought you posted about the situation because you wanted feedback and perhaps the perspective from other points of view.

Be proud of the fact that you are growing and learning. You'd be amazed at how many people just live under a perpetual cloud of drama and never so much as take stock of their own part in creating their reality, much less commit to doing anythiing positive about it.

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And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/11/2006 10:18:33 AM

juliaoceania

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justheather,

While I understand your post, I will say my response was to what this "dominant" said about her being abused and somehow flawed in her submissiveness. I have seen other "dominants" post this sort of tripe on CM, and submissives as well.. some underlying belief that in some way a submissive is a doormat and a victim, because how could she possibly be anything else? I haven't encountered this in my personal interactions with dominants, but I am well aware this perception is out there. If for no other reason than he stated these things to her makes me think that I would consider the source of these "opinions" to be a dubious one at best, and I probably would discard them as flawed opinions from someone that doesan't know his ass from a hole in the ground...

But as usual, this is just me and I could be wrong

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/11/2006 10:34:45 AM

justheather

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

justheather,

While I understand your post, I will say my response was to what this "dominant" said about her being abused and somehow flawed in her submissiveness. I have seen other "dominants" post this sort of tripe on CM, and submissives as well.. some underlying belief that in some way a submissive is a doormat and a victim, because how could she possibly be anything else? I haven't encountered this in my personal interactions with dominants, but I am well aware this perception is out there. If for no other reason than he stated these things to her makes me think that I would consider the source of these "opinions" to be a dubious one at best, and I probably would discard them as flawed opinions from someone that doesan't know his ass from a hole in the ground...

But as usual, this is just me and I could be wrong

Julia,
I totally agree with you. I made sure to acknowledge that in my post when I said that he could have been way out of line and that if there was nothing positive she could take from it to just forget about him and dont waste her energy there.

My feeling was that, since that position (the position that sounds something like: he's a lame asshole who doesnt know what he is talking about and how very rude!) had already been quite well-represented in the thread, perhaps we could look at the possibility that this wasn't someone who just goes around practicing his own brand of pop psychology telling people what their problems are, maybe it was someone who spoke or even mis-spoke out of good intentions based on what he saw.

And even if he mis-spoke, which is quite possible, would there possibly be a way that the OP could find something of value in his intention if not in his advice.

Back when I hung out with a lot of people who called themselves born-again christians, I heard a saying quite often about how you knew a tree by the fruit it bore. When a person is surrounded in drama, it has to come from somewhere. This applies to my life as well, I might add, so as not to be accused of sitting in judgement (even though I think I explicity stated I wasnt sitting in judgement, so I will have to assume the OP's response about judgement wasnt about me.)

I appreciate your response, Julia, thank you.

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/11/2006 10:48:27 AM

mistoferin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sleazybutterfly
PS..once again, I post on a subject that has nothing to do with past posts...and once again.. they are brought up. *yawn*

On a message board, every post you make has everything to do with past posts. It's kind of like a running journal. Just because you are talking about a different issue doesn't erase the fact that just the other day you were talking about a different issue. All little pieces of information that when put together start to give a glimpse of the bigger picture. And I might add....you have been painting a masterpiece. When information is taken as a whole it is possible to be able to begin to draw some conclusions.

Now to me it reads that you have shared quite a bit of intimate detail about yourself and your past with these men, and it also seems to me that you shared these confidences about yourself before they had been in your life long enough to earn a position that would entitle them to such personal information about you. That in itself is an indicator to me about a person. Most people don't meet for coffee or even in IM conversations and start spilling details of their rape and past abuse with someone they don't really even know well.

Now those men took all the bits of information that you provided them with, put them into some semblance of the bigger picture and began to draw some conclusions. That is human nature...that is how we form opinions of the people we meet. We take into consideration all of what we know about them and look at what the big picture starts to look like...and form our opinions from there. At the very least, with what you have shared, one could draw the conclusion that you are a person with some pretty heavy issues who is "not exactly in a whole and healthy place right now" as just heather said. I believe that her whole post to you was dead spot on target. Don't blame the observant for "seeing" the picture you paint.

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/11/2006 10:49:27 AM

sleazybutterfly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: justheather

quote:

ORIGINAL: sleazybutterfly
*yawn*

Im so sorry to have bored you.

I thought you posted about the situation because you wanted feedback and perhaps the perspective from other points of view.

Be proud of the fact that you are growing and learning. You'd be amazed at how many people just live under a perpetual cloud of drama and never so much as take stock of their own part in creating their reality, much less commit to doing anythiing positive about it.

By the *yawn* that is what I am saying. I am growing out of it..and learning..and it's very tiring for someone to know they have changed in such a way from their experience..and then to have their mistakes (growing pains) (and admitted) thrown at them time and time again. I guess the further it gets from it all (I hope).. maybe you will all know notice these things in me with my future posts and it won't be the first thing that pops in your minds when you see a post from me.

I probably wouldn't be surprised.. I am sure I have been stubborn about things sometimes and not took the lesson that was given.

That is another lesson I have learned...it's best to take it the first time..because there is a hell of a good chance it will come back around to bite you in the ass again if you don't.

I do welcome feedback.. and want to know others experiences..but I will also answer when I feel the need. That to me, is what it's all about.. to make me think about things...and maybe a few others will get the same out of it. My overall experience on the boards has been a good one..and I expect to always take things and keep them in that light.

Thank you, Andrea

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RE: Reading the "sub code".... - 7/11/2006 11:00:42 AM

sleazybutterfly

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: sleazybutterfly
PS..once again, I post on a subject that has nothing to do with past posts...and once again.. they are brought up. *yawn*

On a message board, every post you make has everything to do with past posts. It's kind of like a running journal. Just because you are talking about a different issue doesn't erase the fact that just the other day you were talking about a different issue. All little pieces of information that when put together start to give a glimpse of the bigger picture. And I might add....you have been painting a masterpiece. When information is taken as a whole it is possible to be able to begin to draw some conclusions.

Now to me it reads that you have shared quite a bit of intimate detail about yourself and your past with these men, and it also seems to me that you shared these confidences about yourself before they had been in your life long enough to earn a position that would entitle them to such personal information about you. That in itself is an indicator to me about a person. Most people don't meet for coffee or even in IM conversations and start spilling details of their rape and past abuse with someone they don't really even know well.

Now those men took all the bits of information that you provided them with, put them into some semblance of the bigger picture and began to draw some conclusions. That is human nature...that is how we form opinions of the people we meet. We take into consideration all of what we know about them and look at what the big picture starts to look like...and form our opinions from there. At the very least, with what you have shared, one could draw the conclusion that you are a person with some pretty heavy issues who is "not exactly in a whole and healthy place right now" as just heather said. I believe that her whole post to you was dead spot on target. Don't blame the observant for "seeing" the picture you paint.

I think that my posts do sort of become a journal in a way, I suppose..even if I don't look at them that way. I have a journal for that type of thing.

What I am saying.. is that if that is the truth..maybe over the last week..and in the future.. others will see the progression that I have made and will continue to make. I know that I make mistakes..and I know there has been a lot of drama in my life (I more than anyone). I am trying very hard to make things better. I am in therapy, I have disposed of any toxic relationships, I am more selective about new ones, and I am learning more about what I want.

I know that I will always be learning, but I think I am in a very good place to become who I am meant to be. I know that my "real life" friends have noticed a major difference in me.. even just over the past week or two. There is a maturity about life there now, and I feel it myself. I don't react to things in the same way, I don't look at things the same way...it's all about growing.

I still like to come here and I usually learn something from it...or maybe look at something a different way.

~Andrea

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