what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (Full Version)

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CeCee -> what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (6/30/2014 5:18:30 PM)

I do not want a kinkster. I want a D/s relaionship. How can you tell the difference?



RockaRolla -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (6/30/2014 5:25:08 PM)

D/s stands for Dominant/submissive. By that term it sounds like you want a Dominant (noun) as opposed to someone who is dominant (adjective.)



InHisHeart -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (6/30/2014 5:37:05 PM)

D/s and kink are not one of the same. A couple can involve bdsm without being in a D/s relationship, they can be a D/s couple without involving bdsm, they can be into both.

You know the difference by communicating, let him know what kind of relationship you want, what your expectations are, find out what his are and see if you're both on the same page with your wants.



DesFIP -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (6/30/2014 6:17:37 PM)

Observe him in action. Does he tend to take charge? If he calls for a date, does he suggest a day and time? Does he have an idea of what movie he wants to see? Nothing wrong if he asks if you have a preference but can he make a decision when it needs to be made?

Does he remind you to put on your seatbelt if you're fumbling with your coat and bag? Does he tend to take charge when there's a power vacuum?



preytolife -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/1/2014 7:38:30 AM)

"Kinkster" is just a self defined label. It doesn't mean that they aren't open to power exchange relationships. The labels are pretty much self defined so you may want to be more specific in what you want.



DarkSteven -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/1/2014 7:46:23 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CeCee

I do not want a kinkster. I want a D/s relaionship. How can you tell the difference?


There is no "difference". As preytolife stated, the term "kinkster" is not defined.

You want a relationship that incorporates D/s. Well and good. What is it in a "kinkster" that you do not want? Is it that you perceive that they are not really up for a relationship?

The first thing you need to do is be open about what you need to any prospective Dom.

The second thing is much harder. It's to be aware when you're being lied to, by someone who wants you for a quick session only and claims to be open to a relationship.



LookieNoNookie -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/1/2014 4:27:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CeCee

I do not want a kinkster. I want a D/s relaionship. How can you tell the difference?


You want to know the difference between what you don't want and what you (do) want?

Wow....I didn't attend enough psychology classes to answer that one.



PandoraFoxxx -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/1/2014 4:37:14 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CeCee

I do not want a kinkster. I want a D/s relaionship. How can you tell the difference?

Well, I know how *I* tell the difference. But, you don't want what I want. You want what you want. In an attempt to answer your question: personally, I use how control is viewed and utilized within a relationship dynamic to determine the difference between "kinkster" and "d/ser." Kinksters, (imho) do not put as much (if any) emphasis on control/power dynamic as D/sers tend to. Kinksters like to "play" D/s. They like the trappings, the outfits, the toys; they like to roleplay, then go back to a standard equal partnership as opposed to a partnership that has defined roles and rules. D/sers are all about those roles/rules. The trappings are fun, of course, but for us, it's control that fuels us.



RumpusParable -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/2/2014 6:33:10 AM)

In summary & repeating some others: You get to know him.



Domnotlooking -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/2/2014 12:14:17 PM)

There does seem to be a real shortage of super-controlling, domly dom but distinctly unkinky guys. Maybe you could move to Sicily or the Middle East to improve your odds.

I have found that women who say this (not necessarily you) are on the low libido side. Maybe you're more of a bottom type, but more outside the bedroom.

Best of luck with your partner search, tho.



Musicmystery -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/2/2014 12:18:25 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CeCee

I do not want a kinkster. I want a D/s relaionship. How can you tell the difference?

Talk to them about what you want.



FieryOpal -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/2/2014 3:38:08 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: PandoraFoxxx

Well, I know how *I* tell the difference. But, you don't want what I want. You want what you want. In an attempt to answer your question: personally, I use how control is viewed and utilized within a relationship dynamic to determine the difference between "kinkster" and "d/ser." Kinksters, (imho) do not put as much (if any) emphasis on control/power dynamic as D/sers tend to. Kinksters like to "play" D/s. They like the trappings, the outfits, the toys; they like to roleplay, then go back to a standard equal partnership as opposed to a partnership that has defined roles and rules. D/sers are all about those roles/rules. The trappings are fun, of course, but for us, it's control that fuels us.

Not only that, Pandora, but I've found that in order to separate the wheat from the chaff, ownership factors in with control.
The Dominant who seeks to own, seeks to control.
The submissive who seeks to be owned, seeks to be controlled.
OP knows which page she needs her Dom to be on, whereas a kinkster can only be a Top at best.
Those who just want to Top and to bottom should seek one another out.
The rest of us want a comprehensive D/s relationship dynamic.

OP, when you hear this come out of the mouth of the next HNG portraying himself as a Dom, you'll know this isn't the right partner for you:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

There does seem to be a real shortage of super-controlling, domly dom but distinctly unkinky guys. Maybe you could move to Sicily or the Middle East to improve your odds.

I have found that women who say this (not necessarily you) are on the low libido side. Maybe you're more of a bottom type, but more outside the bedroom.


Btw, libido has nothing to do with being selective in choosing a suitable match. Some of us don't let the strength our libidos govern our lives.
Some of us don't go around thinking with our genitals or picking partners based on the tingliness of our private parts.

(Nor should any of us have to settle for kink & fetish sluts, much less relocate outside of the U.S. to find the D/s dynamic we need.)



PandoraFoxxx -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/2/2014 6:29:49 PM)

As always, Opal, you are on the mark. If anything, my libidio is more tantalized by someone who isn't obsessed with it from the get go. Which ironically, leads me to my point here...Stop being so defensive, CeeCe!!! Live a little!!!!

After reading OPs profile ( http://www.collarspace.com/details.asp?px=CeCee&bhcp=1 ) - I have a little more understanding of her. She is interested in the Dynamics of D/s, but she is extremely prudish and repressed possibly due to a distinctly puritanical upbriging that is obsessed with sex being "dirty." She is possibly making the mistake of viewing Dominant men as being like all the other horny dogs out there who see sub and think automatically 'promiscuous, irresponsible slut." OP, this is perfectly understandable - but you really really need to take the advice of people here in this thread and GET OUT MORE to learn about this dynamic that you so passionately want. Please. Cause you've got it alllll wrong, sister. We D/sers revel in sexuality being something wonderful. We revel in freedom of expression. We revel in being strong, women, good mothers, good wives AND filthy dirty little cum sluts. It is OK to be all of those. It is possible to be all of those. The men here will not lose respect for you if you are those things. I repeat - DOMS WILL NOT LOSE RESPECT FOR YOU IF YOU ARE THOSE THINGS. Take those defenses down and you will be amazed at the freedom it will bring; and the wonderful dominants it will attract.



DarkSteven -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/2/2014 8:18:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: PandoraFoxxx

Dominant men as being like all the other horny dogs out there who see sub and think automatically 'promiscuous, irresponsible slut."


We're not supposed to do that?

[sm=river.gif]



Musicmystery -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/3/2014 7:43:50 AM)

*checks the manual*



Rheea -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/4/2014 8:09:30 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: PandoraFoxxx
Well, I know how *I* tell the difference. But, you don't want what I want. You want what you want. In an attempt to answer your question: personally, I use how control is viewed and utilized within a relationship dynamic to determine the difference between "kinkster" and "d/ser." Kinksters, (imho) do not put as much (if any) emphasis on control/power dynamic as D/sers tend to. Kinksters like to "play" D/s. They like the trappings, the outfits, the toys; they like to roleplay, then go back to a standard equal partnership as opposed to a partnership that has defined roles and rules. D/sers are all about those roles/rules. The trappings are fun, of course, but for us, it's control that fuels us.


QFT!



Rheea -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/4/2014 8:15:02 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
…… The Dominant who seeks to own, seeks to control.
The submissive who seeks to be owned, seeks to be controlled.
OP knows which page she needs her Dom to be on, whereas a kinkster can only be a Top at best.
Those who just want to Top and to bottom should seek one another out.
The rest of us want a comprehensive D/s relationship dynamic.


Totally agree!



PandoraFoxxx -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/4/2014 8:38:09 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven


quote:

ORIGINAL: PandoraFoxxx

Dominant men as being like all the other horny dogs out there who see sub and think automatically 'promiscuous, irresponsible slut."


We're not supposed to do that?

[sm=river.gif]


[;)] well...not in a negative way *giggles*



alumina -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/7/2014 12:30:48 AM)

Best advice here... Ask them?

To weed out the newbies and such... I get to chatting with them, if we seem compatiable and they say they are into D/s or M/s then I will ask them for a basic 10 rules, rules list... just for fun of course... See what they come up with, if it is all about the bedroom maybe they are a kinkster, if it is all about protocol and filled with good rules then perhaps continue chatting. It is also a great way to see their mental state.. If all the rules are centered around their own emotional protection...then maybe they are not ready for a relationship and need to deal with past hurt.



DarkSteven -> RE: what do you consider a man who is a kinster and a man who wants a D/s relationship? (7/7/2014 1:39:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: alumina

Best advice here... Ask them?

To weed out the newbies and such... I get to chatting with them, if we seem compatiable and they say they are into D/s or M/s then I will ask them for a basic 10 rules, rules list... just for fun of course... See what they come up with, if it is all about the bedroom maybe they are a kinkster, if it is all about protocol and filled with good rules then perhaps continue chatting. It is also a great way to see their mental state.. If all the rules are centered around their own emotional protection...then maybe they are not ready for a relationship and need to deal with past hurt.


Beautiful. It's about compatibility, and the labels such as "kinkster" really aren't the issue.



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