Gauge
Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
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ORIGINAL: Asfixation
Difficult to admit but I feel heart broken. Broken by a slave who used me with such a passive aggression it's difficult to admit.
Sorry that you got your heart broken. Passive aggression usually has sign rather early on in a relationship. That you had a relationship for 10 years and put up with it for that long would be the cause of concern that I would have. You knew things were bad, or if you did not, you allowed it to continue well past the place it should have. I would start there. Ask yourself, why it took so long to do something about it. Ask yourself why you didn't recognize the warning signs earlier.
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How to replace him as replace him I must.
Why do you need someone in your life? Do you need someone or want someone in your life? Need and want are two different things. I would ask yourself if you need someone or want someone in your life. If you need someone, then that is a problem because you will tend to overlook warning signs because the need is so great. If you want someone however, you can be more patient and selective. Learn to be happy on your own.
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What have I learned?
Of course that is a question that only you can answer, but answer it you should. What did you take away from this experience? What will prevent you from making similar mistakes along the way the next time?
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Too many unanswered questions.
Then slow down and get answers to the questions. I assure you that any amount of haste to get into another relationship will end in disaster without first getting some concrete answers.
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How to really trust again?
You trust again when you are willing to risk being hurt. This is why you must examine if you need someone in your life or if you want someone in your life. You are in control of yourself, or should be anyway. The fact is that if you just got hurt, take time to heal, putting yourself out there to get hurt again before healing from this one is folly; it will take a worse toll the second time around. Love is a risk, trust is a risk, and until you are willing to allow the possibility of having that love or trust betrayed, then don't do something foolish.
I had to work on this for myself. After my divorce I had a lot of different things happen so I needed time to work on myself. During that time I had a few relationships, some were OK, others were fucking disaster, but all of them ended poorly. Because of things in my childhood and things in my marriage and a few things from the relationships, I began to question what love was and if I was even capable of love. I also had to answer the question of whether I needed someone or wanted someone in my life. I realized that I needed to work on myself before anything and that I was unwilling to get hurt again. That meant that I was going to be alone for quite some time and I was OK with that. I recently answered the question of whether or not I was capable of love, I am capable of it, I am just afraid to get hurt again. My slut understands this and is willing to allow me to work this out, with the understanding that I am not going to rush into anything... we have a beautiful relationship where we can communicate freely, and that goes a long, long way to helping me and her for that matter.
The point is that trust is something that is vital. If you rush in to things, you are going to get your trust betrayed. Go slow, look for warning signs, realize that there is simply no good reason to hurry into anything, and use your head not your heart in determining if an individual is worthy of your trust.
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But I guess the real question is how to find a slave where my heart is not involved.
I am fairly certain that there are plenty of slaves out there that would throw themselves at your feet with the understanding that you do not want a commitment. The question is, why do you need a slave at all? The more important question is whether or not you believe that working on you, and taking some time for yourself is more important than getting a slave.
I wanted to highlight a few things from others because I felt that it was really good advice for you:
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You don't protect your heart by learning how not to care or how not to take risks. You don't "protect" it at all, really. You live the most robust life you can by learning who to trust (which start by learning what are and are not good reasons to trust and to love someone) and then you do it.
The only thing I would add to this is that you are in control of when you want to put yourself at risk to get hurt.
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You trust again by not allowing a hurt from the past dictate your future and how you see others. Remember that someone new in your life is NOT the same person from your past, they're two different people and shouldn't be compared. Don't punish yourself or a new slave for the lies of the past slave, start a new beginning with a clean slate.
You definitely do not let the past hurts dictate your future. You can however, use the lessons you have learned.
I wish you all the best. Take time for yourself and heal, really heal. Answer the critical questions, learn from your mistakes and figure out how to prevent them in the future. Most importantly, be happy.
< Message edited by Gauge -- 7/6/2014 10:26:56 AM >
_____________________________
"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick
I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.
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