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How bad is it, Doc? - 7/10/2006 5:47:12 PM

gooddogbenji

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I'll start with a bit of a back story: My boss is on vacation right now for a month, and so I'm in charge of the department - Banquet space for about 400, and a bar, plus banquet space for 50 and breakfast for hotel guests at our other hotel. It's a big department to run, especially considering I have no supervisors beneath me.

So I'm at work today, and just dropped in on the GM to let him know something, and he says to me, "And thanks for all your hard work in ____'s absence. We couldn't do it without you!"

Wow! I should feel good. High praise from a guy who doesn't give out compliments.

Actually, I'm sitting there asking myself what I did wrong. How I could do better. How can he be grateful for what I'm doing, when there's so much I'm not doing?

It's always that way; if I get a compliment and don't think I deserve it, it actually make me feel like I'm being patronised, and actually makes me feel worse. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm good at what I do. I know I could run this department on my own. I'm 23, and doing a 36 year old's job better than he does it. I just don't like hearing it.

Anyone else like that? How many wires got crossed in me? Any thoughts?

Yours,

benji

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RE: How bad is it, Doc? - 7/10/2006 5:59:19 PM

PiggyPuta

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im the same way...boss wants to put me in for an award and im like "WHY?????" he says you deserve it "for what????" he says never mind you're getting it. i love my job (and i am...not to toot my own horn...very good at my job and yes i could probably run the flight by myself), love the people i work with (well most of them), but hate being the center of attention when i have to go and accept the award.

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RE: How bad is it, Doc? - 7/10/2006 6:00:07 PM

Caretakr

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I get that when people praise my metal work too Benji.

I remember how long it took to get there, and what crap I made to begin with. I'm still never entirely satisfied with it, damned obsessive compulsive perfectionist streak.

And people think I'm doing some false humility crap when I think I could do better-but I really mean that.

I try to move a little beyond validation every day, to get over it.

And think to myself "I am better at some things than some people,worse than some things than others. But as long as I know I am doing the best I can, and can do better, I'll be satisfied. No matter what anyone else thinks."

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RE: How bad is it, Doc? - 7/10/2006 6:00:53 PM

MistressWolfen

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*puts on my nerdy psych specs* and *pats the couch*...... sooooooooo (said in atrocious Viennese accent) .. how long haf you been dreaming of cigars?

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RE: How bad is it, Doc? - 7/10/2006 6:05:32 PM

desertdancer

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Yes benji, I'm like that as well. i think we tend to be harder on ourselves then other's ever would be, which if you think about ti is messed up. We would never talk to others the way we do to ourselves sometimes. I'd never go to my co-worker and say 'Wow, that poor lady's gonna have to walk around with THAT haircut for 2 months, what were you thinkin'?" But yet I say things like that to myself all the time...and please don't misunderstand me I am very very good at my job, in fact I was hired by a huge company to go to their shops and teach hair cutting, but I never fail myself, with each and every hair cut I give, I over judge myself and usually not in a kind way...

..it also go with if I'm not liking the way a hair cut has turned out and the client is raving about how great it is, it makes me feel bad, makes me feel patronized too..

This is something I've been working on to correct in myself. I want to be kind to myself. I want to treat myself like I would treat another person.

'Course on the flip side I never leave a belly dancing gig and say to myself, ' That would have been Much better if you just woulda shimmied a little harder" * shrugs*

~dancer

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RE: How bad is it, Doc? - 7/10/2006 6:10:51 PM

SCORPIOXXX

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I once had a boss who gave me a bonus on Xmas and in January gave my job to the spouse of a client... To paraphrase the old radicals: "The only good boss is a splayed boss"...

But in your case benji, take the compliment as sincere, enjoy it without guilt -- and watch your backside, just in case... Most likely, the moment your supe screws up, the owner will give you his job!

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RE: How bad is it, Doc? - 7/10/2006 6:11:17 PM

diamonddreamlove

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LOL Mistress Wolfen! Actually everyone just practice looking in the mirror and saying Thank You i appreciate Your noticing.

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RE: How bad is it, Doc? - 7/10/2006 6:13:12 PM

twicehappy

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I too am this way more often than not.

Perfect example, racing, i work my butt off to win, yet when i do i always think but what if i had done more, better, practiced harder, etc, to the point that when they announced trophys the announcers got so used to the fact that my mechanic would be accepting for me that once i was actually waiting and the guy automatically said accepting for # 302 is her mechanic and gave the guys name.

Relax and enjoy the praise you are obviously working very hard for it.

Good pup

.

< Message edited by twicehappy -- 7/10/2006 6:14:25 PM >

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RE: How bad is it, Doc? - 7/10/2006 8:28:41 PM

SusanofO

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benji, this happens to me, too. Usually I accept compliments graciously (as I am sure you do) and inside I can be wondering what they aren't saying, or what the complement is really a prelude to (criticism). Or I just discount it as "fluff". The exception to that is the Dominant man I had a relationship with for a year because he hardly ever doled out compliments for any reason - so when I got one from him, I tended to trust it. This is partly a joke, but as a hobby I read horoscopes sometimes. If you ever get a compliment from a Scorpio, you can trust it. They can be sneaky, but they never dole out fake praise - they consider it beneath them, hehe.

Benji, I do think you are pretty smart. I've read that smart people (and you are also submissive, which makes it a double whammy) can tend to be highly self-critical, even if they do a good fake job of not being that way; they can't seem to help it (so brains, and submissiveness, can be a blessing and a curse). And sometimes, it can hurt. That isn't meant to be bragging or anything along that line - it's documented fact. There isn't much that can be done about it, except to remind yourself that your mind may be in over-drive and you could be dwelling on stuff nobody else may notice. Also, discounting them can completely ignore the fact there are many genuinely nice people out there who do mena what they say if they compliment you.

And - if you have OCD (obsessive-complulsive disorder), even in the slightest (I can't help but remember your inital tag line when you first became a member at CM: "I keep hearing my mother's voice: Don't touch that, you don't know where it's been" hehe - then it's even harder. Nobody then needs to beat you up mentally, you can go at yourself for days. There is no rest for the weary I mean that - it can be like a tape recording in someone's head - I think I know what you may mean). But take heart - we all love you just the way you are (least I do, and am sure many others feel the same way).

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/10/2006 8:39:11 PM >

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RE: How bad is it, Doc? - 7/10/2006 8:34:33 PM

Evanesce

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quote:

I once had a boss who gave me a bonus on Xmas and in January gave my job to the spouse of a client... To paraphrase the old radicals: "The only good boss is a splayed boss"...

I once had a boss who offered me a promotion to Assistant Manager on a Thursday. I went out on maternity leave on Friday and returned the following Tuesday. In that four-day span, my promotion was given to someone else.

To benji... sorry I can't be of any help to you. My efforts are usually only rewarded by the boss piling more work on me. And then once a year they give me a 5% raise and tell me how happy they are that I came back to work for them.

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RE: How bad is it, Doc? - 7/10/2006 9:59:59 PM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce

To benji... sorry I can't be of any help to you. My efforts are usually only rewarded by the boss piling more work on me. And then once a year they give me a 5% raise and tell me how happy they are that I came back to work for them.

Hahaha ouch. But...you get 5%? We max out at 3.5% where I work. Nice, eh? They say if you need something done, give it to the busiest person. I think I ought to start slackin....

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RE: How bad is it, Doc? - 7/10/2006 10:04:26 PM

Kedikat

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When my boss says something like that to me.....I think and sometimes say....Thanks, say it again on my paycheque.

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RE: How bad is it, Doc? - 7/11/2006 1:14:47 AM

Termyn8or

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Kedikat;

Absolutely. I don't need company parties, other bullshit. I am here for the money. I prefer a more stoic enviroment. I wouldn't be there if my work weren't good enough. Pay me.

I don't need a gold watch, a Sony or a free trip. I do not wear a watch and never will, my 18 year old Sony still works fine, and I have no desire to go anywhere. These things came from the fruits of my labor, and as much as money sucks to have, I will handle it myself.

I am funny about praise too, at what I make a certain level of perfomance is required. When I do well on a given day it just makes up for a day when everything went wrong.

Even getting bitched out for taking a day off unplanned proves my worth to the company way more than any gushy words of praise. I think excessive praise can make one think that good performance is not expected. Then sometimes it is not. I assure you this is not the case where I work.

Sometimes after solving a difficult problem I'll walk into the bosses office and say "You may now smile". That balances out those times when I have to walk in there and say "This is not good". I would prefer stoicity. It's either that or start becoming more borderline manic depressive.

Yup, just put it in the paycheck, or paycheque, whichever you prefer.

T

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RE: How bad is it, Doc? - 7/11/2006 6:15:00 AM

LaTigresse

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Oh benji I do know how you feel. It is something I have been working very hard on for several years now. I have always HATED compliments of all sorts. Not that I didn't think some were deserved as in your case, work well done, but they always have made me uncomfortable. I have always been my own worst critic. I hate pictures of myself, I get praise at work and in my mind I am going over all the ways I could have done it better. I think for some of us its something we will fight forever and I am not sure that a little bit of it isn't a good thing. At least for me. It keeps me working to improve, feeling like I can do more, a reason to drag my hiney out of the bed in the morning.
I am sure you deserved all the praise and more. Enjoy the moment, it sounds like the person giving it was sincere and if they rarely do such things then its even more special.

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