Sending a submissive away, hard or easy.

Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (Full Version)

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CloakedProtector -> Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/13/2014 2:47:40 AM)
In long term relationships a bound is build up between BDSM partners as it is in vanilla. Possibly because of the lifestyle elements that bound may be/become extremely strong. Not that there are no strongs bound in vanilla, just saying the BDSM lifestyle allows to build that extreme dependency and group feeling. But what if you have to send a submissive away. What would need to happen to do that. Do you find it hard or is it just a cool act that, if rationalized, doesn't even change the tempo of your heartbeat a little. Is that how Dominants are supposed to handle it, without any emotion? I have a number of rules set, well explained in advance, about when I send one away. For instance bringing drugs (recreational drugs that is) in the House is one of them. It is clearly said that there is no warning, no second chance and no other punishment. Simply make arrangements, pack & go. I never had to do it, but I could see that if I had I could be kind of devastated by it even if it is a rule set-up to protect the others as-well. You train the slaves, you invest your time in it, they do too and all that increases a strong unity between the members. Hard to let go? Where do you stand? Do you have a nightmare scenario? Do you think you would have the heart/strength to do it? Do you consider what it may do to the submissive, what will become of her, or is all that just her problem, something she should have thought about before making the major infraction. TIA

InHisHeart -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/13/2014 3:57:51 AM)
I'm not a Dom, I'm a submissive and IMO, before anyone is a Dom or sub, they are first humans. Most humans have emotions, most humans feel hurt. Just as a break-up would affect anyone in any other type of relationship, the affect would depend on each person and how that person handles it emotionally whether they're a D, a s or neither. I don't believe there's one way a Dom is "supposed" to be, there's no one way a sub is supposed to be. Master has relationship deal-breakers just as I have relationship deal-breakers. We both want and chose to have a monogamous relationship, we made a commitment to each other so if either of us cheated on the other, that is one of our deal-breakers. If one of us broke it off for whatever reason, even though whoever broke it off felt it would be for the best, it would be heartbreaking for both of us.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/13/2014 4:01:27 AM)
Vanilla and BDSM are no different in this regard. Think of the sub in the same light as a girlfriend/wife. How much or little it hurts is how much you let it. There's no hard and fast rule whether you're the sub or the Dom/me. In my case, if they have to go?? Meh! They're gone already... Next.

Arturas -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/13/2014 6:02:43 AM)
quote: Where do you stand? Do you have a nightmare scenario? Do you think you would have the heart/strength to do it? Do you consider what it may do to the submissive, what will become of her, or is all that just her problem, something she should have thought about before making the major infraction. I did send one away. She was amazing but I am a one girl man and another stole my heart. So, infractions are not in the calculation. I also do and still do consider what it did to her since she is a great woman. After letting her go, she asked me to meet her for dinner at the Greek restaurant she discovered for us when we started seeing each other. She used the time to update me on her life and for us to remember together. So, you see a submissive is not an animal pet but are the other half and we are the other half of them.

DesFIP -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/13/2014 11:29:52 AM)
For this relationship to end, both of us would be unhappy for quite some time in advance. Just like in every vanilla divorce I've known. Would you be hurt by it and have to mourn the loss? I damn well hope so, because that's how people move on. As far as this being deeper with stronger dependency? Bullshit. Talk to an 85 year old who's just lost their partner of 60 years and you'll see things far deeper and more heart rending than any six month power relationship can ever do. The more you're vulnerable and invested, the more you need to heal. As it should be.

FelineRanger -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/13/2014 2:49:09 PM)
I have yet to have the experience of sending away a slave but I am divorced and had a later engagement end abruptly. Despite my frequently contested belief that humans are really not built for lifelong monogamy, I also believe that people really do want the deep emotional connection that comes with a long term relationship. (Damn species needs to make up its mind! But I digress.) Ending any relationship is difficult on all parties. But any relationship, familial, fraternal, romantic has to be viewed through the question "Is this healthy for me?" first. If the answer is no, you have to end the relationship by whatever means necessary even if it means screaming "Get the fuck out of my house and never come back!" so you can be heard from one end of town to the other. (Probably not the best approach, but appropriate after the third time my ex-wife raised a hand to me to try to win an argument.)

DesFIP -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/13/2014 3:43:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FelineRanger Despite my frequently contested belief that some humans are really not built for lifelong monogamy, I also believe that people really do want the deep emotional connection that comes with a long term relationship. (This Damn member of the species needs to make up its mind! Fixed it for you. Because this member of the species is really built for lifelong monogamy.

MasterRagnar -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/15/2014 8:31:37 PM)
If you have high self-worth / self-esteem and realize that the relationship will not work then it is "easy". Yes, I placed easy in quotes as breaking any relationship is difficult and in my opinion, relationships formed in the BDSM community are a bit harder simply due to the fact that you will not find another person as quickly (at least that's my experience, however I still consider myself new to this lifestyle). Also, you need to have open, candid discussions about how you are both feeling, what is working, what is not working. This needs to happen outside of your roles (not sure how the 24/7 folks do this???). Weeks before I sent my slave away, we had a discussion, she knew how I was feeling and had known. Finally, things did not change, I stuck with my decision and sent her away. Failure to do this, if the slave had any self-worth, wouldn't want you as a dom anyway seeing you cannot stand your ground.

InHisHeart -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/16/2014 4:17:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterRagnar Also, you need to have open, candid discussions about how you are both feeling, what is working, what is not working. This needs to happen outside of your roles (not sure how the 24/7 folks do this???). We're 24/7 and it works the same way, we talk about everything. If one of us has a problem in any part of the relationship, we discuss it, we listen to each other's POV and we work together to find a solution, a compromise, whatever it takes to fix the problem. Just because it's 24/7 doesn't mean everything is his way or the highway or that he has no concern for how I'm feeling, what's working/not working for me. Just as I want him to be happy and fulfilled in our relationship, he wants the same for me.

Domnotlooking -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/16/2014 11:24:59 AM)
I've never had the luxury of a partner who's just my sub. They're always also my romantic partner, actually primarily my romantic partner. Therefore, I've only had breakups to deal with. Usually, I have gone with some variant of 'it's not you, it's me' (because it it typically is). The idea of BDSM "release" of a slave sounds dramatic and wonderful -as does the idea of having women who just want to give me kinky sex but not get taken out to dinner. Your life sounds very great. I hope your luck in this area runs long and big. I just have to content myself with the consolation prize of being happily married. If I "send her away", I'm going to want to go with her.

InHisHeart -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/16/2014 2:57:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking I've never had the luxury of a partner who's just my sub. They're always also my romantic partner, actually primarily my romantic partner. The idea of BDSM "release" of a slave sounds dramatic and wonderful -as does the idea of having women who just want to give me kinky sex but not get taken out to dinner. Your life sounds very great. I hope your luck in this area runs long and big. Even though we're 24/7 D/s, he's always my Master and I'm always his sub, we're more than just Dom and sub to each other or just there to fulfill each other's kinky sex needs, our emotions for each other run very deep, yep that silly four letter L word. Our life is great but it's certainly not without it's ups and downs, issues to deal with, good times and not so good times just as any other relationship has. I believe open/honest communication is essential for all types of relationships and that includes a 24/7 D/s relationship.

DaCat6 -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/17/2014 6:27:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking If I "send her away", I'm going to want to go with her. Aww... you are a really nice guy :)

DaCat6 -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/17/2014 7:00:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CloakedProtector But what if you have to send a submissive away. What would need to happen to do that. Do you find it hard or is it just a cool act that, if rationalized, doesn't even change the tempo of your heartbeat a little. Is that how Dominants are supposed to handle it, without any emotion? If I were a sociopath, then sending a submissive away obviously wouldn't change the tempo of my heartbeat. Because I'm not a sociopath, obviously it would, unless of course I had already gone completely off that person and was looking for a get out clause. We do get dominant sociopaths, just as we get submissive ones but that is a whole other story. quote: I have a number of rules set, well explained in advance, about when I send one away. For instance bringing drugs (recreational drugs that is) in the House is one of them. It is clearly said that there is no warning, no second chance and no other punishment. Simply make arrangements, pack & go. What about if you really loved her? Is your world really so black and white? would you be the same with your children if they broke one of your rules? quote: I never had to do it, but I could see that if I had I could be kind of devastated by it even if it is a rule set-up to protect the others as-well. You train the slaves, you invest your time in it, they do too and all that increases a strong unity between the members. Hard to let go? The thread is about submissives but now your using the title 'slave'? If you have never had to do it, how do you know you could? quote: Where do you stand? Do you have a nightmare scenario? Do you think you would have the heart/strength to do it? Do you consider what it may do to the submissive, what will become of her, or is all that just her problem, something she should have thought about before making the major infraction. TIA If my man went off and started smoking skunk behind my back and I found out through the grape vine, I would talk to him long and hard about why he hadn't been upfront with me. I would also look inward at myself. Was I putting undue stress on him? Had I been oblivious to his stresses? When something goes wrong its better to understand why and see if that can be resolved because loving relationships are worth fixing if at all possible. If my heart wasn't with the split, then a split wouldn't be something I was looking towards. If a split was the result of rule breaking, it would have to be persistant rule breaking and not one little hiccup (this wouldn't apply to him fucking around with other people, which he would only have to do the once). Yes, it would be his fault and he would have to make his own way in life but I would only send him on his way if I felt all hope was lost.

CloakedProtector -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/17/2014 3:30:34 PM)
DaCat, slip of the keyboard, I normally write subs/slaves vs Dominants. "If you have never had to do it, how do you know you could? " Indeed, I don't know if I could. Currently I think I can and I actually hope I never need to find out if I can.

Musicmystery -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (7/17/2014 4:23:24 PM)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=298nld4Yfds

Bondalee1 -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (9/8/2014 12:03:12 AM)
First of all how can anyone call himself a Dom when he doesn't even have the courage to step to the plate with a sub or slave and speak up directly to her face that he is done? Disappearing indicates to me that he is not what he pretended to be. "Wee wee wee all the way home". Sit her down and speak your truth like a gentleman and like a Dom.

subrosaDom -> RE: Sending a submissive away, hard or easy. (9/8/2014 4:03:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bondalee1 First of all how can anyone call himself a Dom when he doesn't even have the courage to step to the plate with a sub or slave and speak up directly to her face that he is done? Disappearing indicates to me that he is not what he pretended to be. "Wee wee wee all the way home". Sit her down and speak your truth like a gentleman and like a Dom. Well originally he called himself BadDom, but he dropped the "Bad" and so he was just "Dom."

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