What, if anything, am I doing wrong?

What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (Full Version)

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MyLadysKnight -> What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/27/2014 10:03:35 AM)
So I have to say, much to my disappointment, and at times frustration, I've had no luck with this site or others like it. I've been searching for years, albeit on and off, sometimes more actively than others, but never with much luck. To be fair, the numbers were never in my favor to begin with. I'm a submissive male looking for a longterm relationship with a dominant female. More or less a "normal" relationship, just with a different power dynamic, if that makes any sense Not paid kink (for those who are into it, cool, but not the dynamic I'm after), certainly not "online only" - whatever the hell that actually means. Distance is a thing, I certainly understand that, but if it's ONLY meant to be online, again, I'm not interested. When there's money involved for "online only", that strikes me as particularly shady. In any case, the odds aren't in my favor. I get that. Female dominants, in general, seem to be a lot rarer than male submissives. Most of the female dominants here, in turn, seem to be of a "professional" nature (at least of those roughly around my age). Confounding that, I live in China. I love it here, I really do, but BDSM as a concept seems not to exist here. At least the city I'm in. Or if it does, it's relatively underground - and given that Chinese isn't my first language, and this isn't really something I'd feel comfortable bringing up to acquaintances out of the blue - I really haven't the faintest idea of where to start looking in real life either. And there are literally no profiles of dominant females around my age from the city I'm at in China who have logged in in months here. So it seems I'm kind of damned each way. Is it just a matter of being really screwed by the cold, hard demographics, or is it just something about how I'm presenting myself, or what? Are there any alternative avenues at all I'm overlooking? Sorry. Just kind of frustrating to have wanted this sort of relationship for years and not really know how to go about finding it, even on sites supposedly specifically tailored to it. Can anyone else relate. Or... advice?

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/27/2014 10:22:39 AM)
I would say it's where you live. China, as a country and as a society, is a very restricted utopia and very 'conservative' views on sex and sexuality. What you seek is very likely to be underground and virtually hidden. With Chinese not being your first language, that puts you at an even further disadvantage. On top of that, the men outnumber the women by about 1.3-1 which means that China will have 24 million more men than women of marriageable age on the mainland. I would say you have two realistic choices.... 1) Keep searching until you find your 'one'; 2) Relocate to where the odds are much better and have a more liberal PoV.

MyLadysKnight -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/27/2014 11:05:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1 I would say it's where you live. China, as a country and as a society, is a very restricted utopia and very 'conservative' views on sex and sexuality. What you seek is very likely to be underground and virtually hidden. With Chinese not being your first language, that puts you at an even further disadvantage. On top of that, the men outnumber the women by about 1.3-1 which means that China will have 24 million more men than women of marriageable age on the mainland. I would say you have two realistic choices.... 1) Keep searching until you find your 'one'; 2) Relocate to where the odds are much better and have a more liberal PoV. I understand as much. I really like it here in China, though, and I'm kind of tied down in terms of employment. I've found a good niche here at least that isn't easily relocatable (except maybe to other places in East/Southeast Asia that probably still have many of the same cultural issues at play). The one slight thing I have going in my favor is that, culturally, a lot of Chinese women seem to prefer foreign men to fellow Chinese men. Generally their parents like it too, since foreigners are seen as being wealthy (not exactly the case here). Which, I've found, actually more than compensates for the gender imbalance here. To the point I've had girls approach me here, I've had a few quasi-relationships, that I'm sure, if I wanted to, and there weren't logistical problems involved (based on their relationship to my work, I wasn't allowed to date them, basically, to make a long story short), something could have come of it. So... finding a girl, in the normal sense, in China, is not particularly difficult for a foreigner. If anything, it's easier than the US. Finding a specifically dominant one though, for a relationship specifically of this sort, seems impossible, as such. At least as far as I've tried to search for it. The only thing I can think of is perhaps to try to find someone for a "normal" relationship at first, and slowly try to work it into this? Though she'd probably have to be a "natural" dominant for it to work, and I have no idea, really, how to know that about a person without asking - which seems kind of awkward? I don't know. Has anyone ever had success with THAT kind of thing?

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/27/2014 11:19:06 AM)
Well first off if you can't relocate, I'd change your profile since it makes it sound like relocating would be no big deal. It does sound like location is a big part of your problem. I could give you thoughts on your profile, but I don't come from the culture in which you are living, so my preferences might contradict common feelings over there. I would normally suggest you get out and meet people at events and munches, but obviously that's not an option and yes, I agree male subs have the odds stacked against them searching online. Is it possible to start out as vanilla and introduce your partner to kink? Certainly. But of course, you might not be lucky enough to find someone who is interested or capable to meet your needs. I suppose you need to do some soul searching and decide what's most important to you. Is China a forever plan, or are you planning to return to your home country in the future? If you're not staying in China, I'd just date and have some fun and accept that it's unlikely you'll get a D/s relationship for a few years. If you do find a girlfriend who is interested, that's a bonus. If you're planning to live there forever, then perhaps you need to weigh up whether that's worth significantly reduced odds of your preferred relationship type. Of course, there's no guarantees. You could be in the kinkiest city in the world and not find the one, you might stumble on her right next door.

RockaRolla -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/27/2014 11:38:54 AM)
I should add that it's often difficult for anyone to find what they're really looking for (provided they don't settle.) I also have been at this for a few years. I am a bisexual poly-friendly switch female looking someone to be a primary partner. But this works against me because most prospects are either already in serious relationships or unwilling to share. Every week there is a guy who posts here complaining about how hard it is for them to find someone special. Sometimes it's after a week of searching, so I will give you credit for your patience. Just remember that you're not alone and persevere.

MyLadysKnight -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/27/2014 11:40:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders Well first off if you can't relocate, I'd change your profile since it makes it sound like relocating would be no big deal. It does sound like location is a big part of your problem. I could give you thoughts on your profile, but I don't come from the culture in which you are living, so my preferences might contradict common feelings over there. I would normally suggest you get out and meet people at events and munches, but obviously that's not an option and yes, I agree male subs have the odds stacked against them searching online. Is it possible to start out as vanilla and introduce your partner to kink? Certainly. But of course, you might not be lucky enough to find someone who is interested or capable to meet your needs. I suppose you need to do some soul searching and decide what's most important to you. Is China a forever plan, or are you planning to return to your home country in the future? If you're not staying in China, I'd just date and have some fun and accept that it's unlikely you'll get a D/s relationship for a few years. If you do find a girlfriend who is interested, that's a bonus. If you're planning to live there forever, then perhaps you need to weigh up whether that's worth significantly reduced odds of your preferred relationship type. Of course, there's no guarantees. You could be in the kinkiest city in the world and not find the one, you might stumble on her right next door. Good point on the profile. Like I said, I've been on this site for years, and I guess never realized I ought to update it accordingly. Updated now though. I don't think that was the sole cause of my issues, really, but it should avoid any such confusion in the future. I suppose also I really don't know my future plans with that much certainty. I mean, there's certainly things I plan on doing, but there's always unforseen variables that come up. Realistically, I'll probably be in China for the next ... few years, at least. I guess this sort of comes down to, if the only way to go about finding this sort of relationship is "converting" a vanilla relationship with a "natural dominant" into this sort of thing ... is there any way to "stealth search" for dominant females (who may not even realize they themselves are such, or that such a thing even exists, given the cultural differences here)? To determine if someone has those sort of traits without ... outright asking her? That may be my only hope. Unless, I dunno, someone has insight into the BDSM scene in China, that really doesn't seem to exist at all outside of Beijing/Shanghai/HK (none of which I live anywhere close to, and there even, it seems pretty sparse compared to the west)?

RockaRolla -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/27/2014 11:50:52 AM)
I don't know if such a thing is advisable (or ethical, if that's the right word?) as it runs the risk of trying to change your partner to suit your needs. But, you could do some vanilla dating and say something along the lines of how you like independent women who like to take charge.

MyLadysKnight -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/27/2014 11:56:57 AM)
Right. I'm not looking to change anyone, really. That'd defeat the purpose, and be almost paradoxical, given what I'm looking for. I meant more along the lines of ... most people here probably aren't even aware that BDSM exists. I've read a lot of the profiles here of dominant women, I'm guessing honestly, stating that they'd always had certain dominant inclinations, but only discovered this lifestyle later on. I'm guessing, probably, there's at least a few women in China here who fit into that category. All I'd want to do is introduce them to this. It's just a matter of finding women with such inclinations in the first place that's a bit ... difficult. I guess to clarify?

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/27/2014 12:02:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MyLadysKnight I guess this sort of comes down to, if the only way to go about finding this sort of relationship is "converting" a vanilla relationship with a "natural dominant" into this sort of thing ... Athena made some good points. However, given your location and circumstances, I would guess your search is like locating a needle in a worldwide-sized haystack. Even multi-millionaire Chinese men employ other men to run around finding potential wives/partners for them. Yes, the Chinese girls do tend to go for foreign men - that is one advantage you do have. But they assume that the person is either very rich, or (hopefully) going to take them away from China to a new life elsewhere in the western world. But (and it's a big one), traditionally, Chinese girls are brought up to be the subservient one in a relationship. In many homes outside of the big metropolises, girls are taught from a very young age to keep house and serve their menfolk and visitors. To be a male sub for a Domme female in rural china is going to be a monumental task to achieve. I wish you luck.

MyLadysKnight -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/27/2014 12:17:24 PM)
Oh, I'm actually in a decently sized city for what its worth - Chengdu. Not the biggest by Chinese standards, but it dwarfes anything back in America. The gender roles aren't QUITE so rigid here in the city as all that, but it's still fairly conservative as a nation, yeah, and the undercurrent, probably never explicitly stated, but understood as such, is that women are "supposed" to be the submissive one in a relationship, always. So it's definitely still quite alien to what I'm looking for. I'm probably royally screwed.

Gauge -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/27/2014 1:19:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MyLadysKnight Oh, I'm actually in a decently sized city for what its worth - Chengdu. Not the biggest by Chinese standards, but it dwarfes anything back in America. The gender roles aren't QUITE so rigid here in the city as all that, but it's still fairly conservative as a nation, yeah, and the undercurrent, probably never explicitly stated, but understood as such, is that women are "supposed" to be the submissive one in a relationship, always. So it's definitely still quite alien to what I'm looking for. I'm probably royally screwed. The basic law of probability is that there are others out there who are like-minded and crave the dynamic you are looking for. You are hampered by a few things because of basic geography, there is no need to further complicate the problem by giving up hope of finding what it is you seek. If you have half a brain, which it appears you have more than your share of one, then I suggest that you be patient. Look for better ways to interact with women. Clubs and bars and the like are all fantastic because of the concentration of people in one area, but they do not lend themselves to a great deal of social interaction. Chances are, if you look for more progressive thinking individuals, you may indeed find someone in those circles. You have got to get creative in your search, it isn't like you can just run an ad in the newspaper over there, so you have to use different methods than what would readily be available to you elsewhere. I would make more specific suggestions but I know little about China and what may or may not be available. Good luck, and never lose hope.

orgasmdenial12 -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/31/2014 12:12:24 AM)
My friend just flew to China to meet his submissive, who he's now in a relationship with. It's clear that you're facing a lot of challenges, but it won't do you any good to accept that they're unsurmountable. Focus on positive thinking, visualise yourself meeting a great dominant lady and being happy, affirmations can help too :-)

PonyGroom -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/31/2014 7:12:37 AM)
Too bad you are not local to me. I know a woman who would love to meet you. You might be too young for her chronologically. She is looking for a man who knows himself well enough that he can be steady in his submissive role. He has to like foot worship. She is looking for an energetic, devoted, college educated man who simply cannot get enough of her. But, you are in China! So, have you seen this? http://findamunch.com/category/locations/china/

DesFIP -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/31/2014 9:11:12 AM)
The other thing is that I can't tell if you're looking for someone who will be dominant in the relationship or someone who will top you. Because the two are not synonymous. So even if you find someone who enjoys being the leader in the relationship, that won't mean she's going to want to cane you or whatever.

BecomingV -> RE: What, if anything, am I doing wrong? (7/31/2014 1:01:51 PM)
Make local friends on FetLife and meet for lunch or something. Small meetings offer the chance to discuss these things. Maybe over there word of mouth can work for you. Unless there are kink magazines that list events or even professional Dommes. Could you pay to see a professional and see if you can get information through her about how to find people for a non-professional relationship? My thinking is that when anything is suppressed in a society, you have to go where you can whisper. It's there.

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