RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (Full Version)

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orgasmdenial12 -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/13/2014 1:31:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
I like the ones who claim fifteen or twenty years in the lifestyle and don't understand basics, like the difference between lifestyle and kinky sex.


Lol, there's a very well known person on the UK scene who, at the age of 23, was absolutely adament that he had ten years of experience in BDSM. Mate, wanking over bondage pics is NOT experience in BDSM ;-)

Having said that, a lot of post/ers are slammed on here for being 'kinky sex' simply because there is an emphasis on D/s (verging into M/s) on these boards, rather than s&m, which has a greater emphasis on the physical play, which may involve sex.



RockaRolla -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/13/2014 11:28:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
I like the ones who claim fifteen or twenty years in the lifestyle and don't understand basics, like the difference between lifestyle and kinky sex.


Lol, there's a very well known person on the UK scene who, at the age of 23, was absolutely adament that he had ten years of experience in BDSM. Mate, wanking over bondage pics is NOT experience in BDSM ;-)

Having said that, a lot of post/ers are slammed on here for being 'kinky sex' simply because there is an emphasis on D/s (verging into M/s) on these boards, rather than s&m, which has a greater emphasis on the physical play, which may involve sex.

Hmm, never really witnessed that. I have had people imply/point blank state that I perhaps don't understand D/s dynamics because I'm more into the kinky sex side, which may or may not be true.

That said, adding to the "worst" column: "Message me to know more."



Drenche -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/13/2014 10:44:19 PM)

Hello everyone,

Being perhaps a bit too organized myself, I boiled everyone's thoughts down to a few lists to consolidate the information, which I hope will help new people.

I also have some questions that I placed at the bottom. Thank you in advance for sharing your thoughts.


THE GOOD:

Turn-ons in a Dominant's Profile Text:

1) Good spelling and grammar.
2) Positive text that feels natural, fluid, original and unique. Sense of humor.
3) Information on their personality, goals, dreams, or life circumstances
4) Vanilla activities we might have in common outside BDSM.
5) Indications a well rounded person with family, hobbies, work, etc.
6) A realistic approach. Be out and honest about what you want.
7) Knowledge of what they are looking for, and not afraid to let me know.
8) Not playing chameleon by saying he likes whatever I like.
9) Signs of self-awareness, even if that means saying, "I don't know, yet."
10) Evidence of having done their homework on BDSM: dynamics, terminology, risks, rewards.

Turn-ons in a Dominant's Profile Photos:

1) Face pictures, especially smiling pictures.
2) Pictures that hint at an interest or hobby (pets, musical instruments, working on a car).
3) Pictures that weren't taken in a mirror or with a webcam suggest actual social interactions.


THE BAD:

Red Flags in a Dominant's Profile Text:

1) All BDSM and/or sexual. A profile strictly about sex is a turn off.
2) Any demands for "NO LIMITS". Everyone has limits.
3) Demands that you use honorifics from the first contact.
4) Claims of experience that began before they were legal.
5) An interests list with "expert" beside almost everything.
6) Anyone who feels a lot of submissives aren't "true" or "real".
7) Proclamations of knowing the "one true way" based on "experience".
8) Warnings that imply THEY are Protectors and all other Dominants are predators. (Give me a break!)
9) Unrealistic expectations, rules, requirements. Ex: "Sleep all night with a mouthful of cock."
10) Dangerous self-aggrandizing: "You don't need a safe word. I know what I'm doing!"
11) Mention of "real dolcett" indicates a mental ward or coroner's office isn't far behind.
12) There's nothing more suspicious than someone telling you to trust them.

Turn-offs in a Dominant's Profile Text:

1) Findom as a main focus. Ex: "...tribute is required."
2) Empty profile with little or no information.
3) Bad spelling and grammar, text speak, only one or two lines.
4) Banality: "Message me to know more." "Add me." "Anything you want to know, ask."
5) Negativity, badmouthing, bitching or bitterness: "Why do I bother?"
6) Entitlement: "I've been here for a week and can't find a woman!"
7) Complaints about fakes or, even worse, name and shaming.
8) Preaching, ranting, know-it-all tripe, conceit, arrogance, bigotry, sexism, superficiality.
9) Anyone who mentions "Holes". Ex: "I want a 3 holed slave!"
10) Critical of their ex/other users of the site/other people's bodies
11) On and on about how superior the dominant is and how the reader is just a pig/worm/wallet
12) Married and cheating: "... but my wife and I don't have sex, anymore."

Turn-offs in a Dominant's Profile Photos:

1) Dick pics. (One thoughtfully composed dick pic, not as a primary, may or may not be forgiven.)
2) Asshole shots. Close up vagina shots. (Unforgivable? Is a thoughtfully composed asshole shot even possible?)
3) Pictures of their ex(es).
4) Pictures stolen from porn sites, especially unrealistic images.
5) Generic black and white bdsm photos often of a male in a suit and a humble-looking model.
6) Refusal to post face pictures (especially with the "I can't because of work" excuse).
7) Messy photo backgrounds indicate possibly lazy, unmotivated, unorganized or apathetic.
8) A whole gallery of "erotic" photos of them with no vanilla shots.


THE UGLY?

Applying these criteria to my own profile appears to reveal a few shortcomings I was unaware of, which leads to my questions:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

I would not consider anyone who had anything in the profile that's overly sexual or if the entire profile is centered on sex.

Others seem to agree that, "a profile strictly about sex is a turn off." I also notice the words, "vanilla interests," mentioned positively many times in this thread. I removed my vanilla interests from my profile for several reasons, but perhaps they are not valid:

1) I am looking for a local play partner (although open to it becoming an LTR), and thus assume the most important mutual interests to establish pertain to BDSM and sex.
2) I know that the longer a profile's text is, the less likely a viewer is to even begin reading it.
3) The intense competition for submissive females here causes me to feel that I don't have much time to catch and keep a potential partner's attention, and so every word counts.
4) I worry about losing her interest before she sends me a message, by rambling about how I like to read about global politics in the mornings, or attend a comic-book convention every year.
5) I do have an interesting job in live entertainment, but I often feel it sounds like bragging when I bring it up. I don't have much family to speak of, something I can't really do anything about.

Isn't there something to be said for being direct and up front about the obvious topic, not wasting everyone's time with your interest in random topics, and leaving those as enigma that will make for good conversation as you get to know each other? Maybe there is not, I don't know, that's why I am asking. Thanks.

quote:

ORIGINAL: joybaby

The other type of profile that is an automatic turnoff is anything to do with "taboo"-especially if he includes pictures of dogs. This could include profile names with the word "knot" in them, unless i'm positive they're talking about ropes and not a
dog's penis. Of course, some aren't even that discreet and will just ask if you're into K9.

Does just the word "taboo" automatically bring this to mind for a lot of people? It doesn't for me, but maybe I am out of touch? I use this word in the 2nd sentence of my profile to convey something else, and have no interest in K9 and certainly don't want to give that impression. Thoughts?

quote:

ORIGINAL: lostnlooking9

Updated journal. if they have been here 5 years with no journal. it makes me wonder if the profile itself is also 5 years old...

I used to have some short stories which I wrote in my journal here, but removed them because I felt the journal detracts from the impact of the main content when the profile is viewed on the main page of the site (as opposed to viewing the full profile), which is how I assume our profiles are viewed 99% of the time (based on my own viewing habits and how seldom my own profile registers full views). Is having a cleaner-looking, stronger presentation on the main page a valid consideration, or is having interesting journal entries that important?


Thank you everyone for any thoughts or clarifications. All positive and negative feedback on my profile is welcome. You do seem like quite a reasonable bunch of perverts!

Drenche




orgasmdenial12 -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/14/2014 8:09:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Drenche
THE GOOD:

Turn-ons in a Dominant's Profile Text:

1) Good spelling and grammar.
2) Positive text that feels natural, fluid, original and unique. Sense of humor.
3) Information on their personality, goals, dreams, or life circumstances
4) Vanilla activities we might have in common outside BDSM.
5) Indications a well rounded person with family, hobbies, work, etc.
6) A realistic approach. Be out and honest about what you want.
7) Knowledge of what they are looking for, and not afraid to let me know.
8) Not playing chameleon by saying he likes whatever I like.
9) Signs of self-awareness, even if that means saying, "I don't know, yet."
10) Evidence of having done their homework on BDSM: dynamics, terminology, risks, rewards.

Turn-ons in a Dominant's Profile Photos:

1) Face pictures, especially smiling pictures.
2) Pictures that hint at an interest or hobby (pets, musical instruments, working on a car).
3) Pictures that weren't taken in a mirror or with a webcam suggest actual social interactions.


THE BAD:

Red Flags in a Dominant's Profile Text:

1) All BDSM and/or sexual. A profile strictly about sex is a turn off.
2) Any demands for "NO LIMITS". Everyone has limits.
3) Demands that you use honorifics from the first contact.
4) Claims of experience that began before they were legal.
5) An interests list with "expert" beside almost everything.
6) Anyone who feels a lot of submissives aren't "true" or "real".
7) Proclamations of knowing the "one true way" based on "experience".
8) Warnings that imply THEY are Protectors and all other Dominants are predators. (Give me a break!)
9) Unrealistic expectations, rules, requirements. Ex: "Sleep all night with a mouthful of cock."
10) Dangerous self-aggrandizing: "You don't need a safe word. I know what I'm doing!"
11) Mention of "real dolcett" indicates a mental ward or coroner's office isn't far behind.
12) There's nothing more suspicious than someone telling you to trust them.

Turn-offs in a Dominant's Profile Text:

1) Findom as a main focus. Ex: "...tribute is required."
2) Empty profile with little or no information.
3) Bad spelling and grammar, text speak, only one or two lines.
4) Banality: "Message me to know more." "Add me." "Anything you want to know, ask."
5) Negativity, badmouthing, bitching or bitterness: "Why do I bother?"
6) Entitlement: "I've been here for a week and can't find a woman!"
7) Complaints about fakes or, even worse, name and shaming.
8) Preaching, ranting, know-it-all tripe, conceit, arrogance, bigotry, sexism, superficiality.
9) Anyone who mentions "Holes". Ex: "I want a 3 holed slave!"
10) Critical of their ex/other users of the site/other people's bodies
11) On and on about how superior the dominant is and how the reader is just a pig/worm/wallet
12) Married and cheating: "... but my wife and I don't have sex, anymore."

Turn-offs in a Dominant's Profile Photos:

1) Dick pics. (One thoughtfully composed dick pic, not as a primary, may or may not be forgiven.)
2) Asshole shots. Close up vagina shots. (Unforgivable? Is a thoughtfully composed asshole shot even possible?)
3) Pictures of their ex(es).
4) Pictures stolen from porn sites, especially unrealistic images.
5) Generic black and white bdsm photos often of a male in a suit and a humble-looking model.
6) Refusal to post face pictures (especially with the "I can't because of work" excuse).
7) Messy photo backgrounds indicate possibly lazy, unmotivated, unorganized or apathetic.
8) A whole gallery of "erotic" photos of them with no vanilla shots.


I think this is a pretty good list of dos and don'ts. Shame we can't make this a sticky to direct newbie profile questions to it. I would only query a few of them - face pictures are obviously difficult for many people and I personally would never discuss work, either in my profile or expect to see it in anyone else's. BDSM is still a challenging, radical sexuality and not every profession is open to it. Mentioning your field of work could lead to being targetted by journalists or blackmailers. I also couldn't care less whether it's a selfie or a standard photo or an action shot - the point is to see what they look like, not be intimidated by their skydiving shots!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Drenche
Isn't there something to be said for being direct and up front about the obvious topic, not wasting everyone's time with your interest in random topics, and leaving those as enigma that will make for good conversation as you get to know each other?


I think so. I use a person's profile to scan for dealbreakers and gold stars. For example, are they the right age, location, gender, sexuality, role, etc. Do we seem to be looking for similar things? Do we have similar levels of experience? If they pass all of that, then I move to conversation and enjoy discussing things more in depth.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Drenche
The other type of profile that is an automatic turnoff is anything to do with "taboo... I use this word in the 2nd sentence of my profile to convey something else, and have no interest in K9 and certainly don't want to give that impression. Thoughts?


It doesn't personally work for me because I'm not into humiliation or degradation, but I can't speak for your target audience. It may make the right woman get shivery in all the right places. I would say though that a heavy emphasis on degrading and humiliating is one of my red flags as it seems to suggest that their sadism comes from a place of hate and disgust rather than attempting to enable mutual satisfaction, exploration and pleasure. It might be a nice idea to soften it with something like 'and of course, kiss it all better at the end' or something like that - if, of course, that is what you are into.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Drenche
I used to have some short stories which I wrote in my journal here, but removed them because I felt the journal detracts from the impact of the main content when the profile is viewed on the main page of the site (as opposed to viewing the full profile), which is how I assume our profiles are viewed 99% of the time (based on my own viewing habits and how seldom my own profile registers full views). Is having a cleaner-looking, stronger presentation on the main page a valid consideration, or is having interesting journal entries that important?


The key breakthrough for me in terms of CM and profiles was this - you attract the same energy that you put out. I got tired of writing angry stuff about men who didn't read my profile - what was the point of complaining that they weren't reading it, when they weren't going to read the complaint either? Meanwhile, the men who would read it would be put off by my complaining, so it was a lose / lose scenario. So instead of trying to avoid negatives, I tried to actively attract positives - I put all my energy into something that literary men would read and enjoy and contact me because of. If you write your profile to appeal to women who are in a rush, who are attracted to simple, clean lines on a profile then that is who you will attract. If you write a long, thoughtful, reflective profile then you will attract women who like long, thoughtful, reflective writing. I wanted to attract literary, thoughtful, sexual men who got off on the sheer high of s&m sex, so I wrote a journal to try and encapsulate that. And it worked great. It's not that a journal is right or wrong, it's about appealing to the type of people you are looking for. The same rules about not complaining about fakes and pro-dommes would still apply though - no-one likes negativity.



viced -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/16/2014 3:44:58 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Drenche

Being perhaps a bit too organized myself, I boiled everyone's thoughts down to a few lists to consolidate the information, which I hope will help new people.



Nice list, very comprehensive! It's probably a bit different for a male or female.

The thing is, being female, I could probably write "I want to tie you to my kitchen table and dip hot dogs into a pan of hot lard suspended over your belly so I can sear your flesh with drips of melted pork fat!" and I would still get more messages than I can deal with.

It's all kind of a gamble in any case because in the end a person can say whatever it takes to get what they want or they can be utterly self-deluded. Also people can pass you by because you wrote "your" instead of "you're" or some other trivial thing. The easiest (and hardest) way is to just come out and say what you want... and hope that somebody good will respond.



DesFIP -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/16/2014 8:02:00 AM)

Drenche, even if you're looking for a play partner, presumably you're going to talk to her also. Go out for a meal together as friends after play.
The way we determine if we will like you as a friend, and therefore someone we want to have sex with, is to talk about things that friends talk about.

So not talking about anything but sex and play would be a turn off here.

Even if I played with you once and had a great time, discovering you like to steal candy from babies would change how I felt about you.

Personally all that stress in your profile about taboo, moral outrage etc says to me you have some issues about sex that you would do better to work out in therapy. As does your insistence that you aren't going to look at her as a person, just a thing.

And I strongly recommend you rethink your "only stopping if safeword is used" especially because the kind of play you want is conducive to hitting emotional triggers that would prevent a person from talking. I need to trust that he is as invested in my safety as I am, not blaming me for not safewording. The fact that you don't seem to think you need to read your bottom concerns me. Why not stop and make sure she's okay. If so, then next time you can play harder.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/16/2014 8:23:15 AM)

The thing with the vanilla interests is that it makes you stand out from the crowd. Everyone here is kinky. The vast majority of those are looking for kinky sex. So even if I won't be going diving with you or meeting the other members of your Queen tribute band, knowing you do those things will make you stick out in my mind. Also, though it might sound counter-intuitive, even if you're just looking for a play partner, most of us want to know that you have more to you than just kink and sex, because... well, because there's something creepy about a person who only thinks about sex. Even if I don't want more than NSA sex, I want to feel that it's something special we're sharing and not just the only thing you ever think about.

Hmmm, perhaps I'm not expressing myself very well. People who only talk about sex and kink come across as desperate and sometimes a little predatory. People who have interests come across as human and so are more appealing as a sex partner. You don't have to ramble. A couple of sentences is fine. Likewise a couple of sentences about your kinks is plenty. I don't need to know every act you're willing to carry out to get a general idea of whether we're in the same rough area of taste.

Taboo doesn't automatically make me think K9, but it does make me assume you're looking for one of the less-popular kinks and don't want to scare people off by saying it.

In your case, the references to 'abuse' and 'victims' would be what put me off, if I'm being brutally honest. I know some people use 'abuse' as a word to describe heavier consensual play, but I've seen too much actual abuse to be comfortable with it in that context.

Personally I don't care either way about journals, as long as they're not just a list of complaints or singing the praises of a different partner each month.



Killerangel -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/17/2014 10:42:59 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Drenche

<snip>

THE UGLY?

Applying these criteria to my own profile appears to reveal a few shortcomings I was unaware of, which leads to my questions:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

I would not consider anyone who had anything in the profile that's overly sexual or if the entire profile is centered on sex.


Others seem to agree that, "a profile strictly about sex is a turn off." I also notice the words, "vanilla interests," mentioned positively many times in this thread. I removed my vanilla interests from my profile for several reasons, but perhaps they are not valid:

1) I am looking for a local play partner (although open to it becoming an LTR), and thus assume the most important mutual interests to establish pertain to BDSM and sex.
2) I know that the longer a profile's text is, the less likely a viewer is to even begin reading it.
3) The intense competition for submissive females here causes me to feel that I don't have much time to catch and keep a potential partner's attention, and so every word counts.
4) I worry about losing her interest before she sends me a message, by rambling about how I like to read about global politics in the mornings, or attend a comic-book convention every year.
5) I do have an interesting job in live entertainment, but I often feel it sounds like bragging when I bring it up. I don't have much family to speak of, something I can't really do anything about.

Isn't there something to be said for being direct and up front about the obvious topic, not wasting everyone's time with your interest in random topics, and leaving those as enigma that will make for good conversation as you get to know each other? Maybe there is not, I don't know, that's why I am asking. Thanks.

<snip>



I agree in that the first part of this post which I snipped for brevity would be a great sticky for the forum somewhere, thanks for summarizing things up so well Drenche.

As to your questions about your own profile...

I stand by my statement of avoiding men that have sexual acts/likes/dislikes etc mentioned in their profiles. It's very easy to find a man to have sex with, it's not easy to find someone I like as a person. If I find someone I like spending time with, I will guarantee that there is some sexual common ground that we will have- I find it's completely unnecessary to lay that out beforehand and because men tend to hammer relentlessly on the topics of sex and kink it's become a red flag for me if I see it highlighted in their profile. Unless, there is something 1 party cannot live without, in that case I think it's smart to put that out there upfront.

Let's switch out the topic of sex/kink for food. We all need to eat, it would be rather redundant to stress that over and over again in profile text and go on about what types of food one loves to eat and how often. Yup, I get it, however, are you a person I want to sit across the table from and eat a meal with? If you aren't someone I would enjoy sharing time with, the best 4 star meal isn't going to be enjoyable for me. Also, f you have an extreme food allergy or only prefer one type of food to the exclusion of others - I can guarantee that there will be some restaurant that will serve something the both of us will enjoy. The types of food that are out there in the universe are varied enough that you and I would find some common ground, had we determined that we would thoroughly enjoy sharing a meal in each other's company. I don't need to see pictures of the food you love in a profile, I don't need to have preparation styles expounded upon, I don't need to know what spices are your favorites...I don't know you yet and I don't really care about you yet. I want to know what you do and who you are outside of food....

I don't find that it saves time and energy at all to list those kinky, sexual, private things in a profile - on my end if I do that all it does it draw men to my profile who want a fuck. If I read about such activities in a man's profile I quickly pass him by, to me it means he's focused on sex. I find sex to be the easiest thing to match between two people.

If it takes a bit of time to iron out the sexual details then so be it. Why look to save time when it might prevent someone from ever responding to your profile? How much time and energy are you actually saving?

The enigma should be what you like to do in the bedroom, not vanilla activities; intimacy is really not an appropriate topic to broach with a stranger, and just because you like spanking and so does she, it doesn't guarantee a connection. The million of other things that draw us to a person decides whether or not there is a sexual attraction to someone, not knowing upfront if they like anal play or not.




littleladybug -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/17/2014 1:24:44 PM)

I've been spending a bit of time this morning, just perusing profiles. I find it interesting to see how other people express themselves, what they want out of a relationship, and what their likes and dislikes are.

As I was doing this, I kept thinking back to this thread (and the companion one in "Ask a Master"). I am decidedly not "looking" at this point, but I wanted to put another 2 cents in here.

IMO, the best way to approach this is to be honest about who you are and what you want. If, legitimately, you enjoy going out to the "hottest new restaurants" or to a gallery opening, by all means, put it in there. If, legitimately, you like giving oral more than receiving, by all means, add it. If, however, you're just doing it because that's what others think you should do, by all means LEAVE IT OUT. Profiles are not difficult to write, if you are honest with yourself as to what you want and who you are. I could write an effective online profile for any one of my closest friends, male or female, regardless of sexuality or kink, because I KNOW them, and I see them for what they are. Perhaps if you have a close friend, either online or off, you could have them help you out? I think a lot of times, others see us way better than we see ourselves.

Yes, you have an audience, but most of the times, the audience doesn't like to feel like they've been "duped".

Personally, my best connections online have been started with a small "click". One was through a mutual affinity for football. Another was employment in the same profession. And, a few were purely sexual. There is an underlying theme here-- all of these people were honest about who they are.

I can respect everyone's position as to what they "want to see" in a profile. But, I think, at the end of the day, there will be as many answers as there are people on here. You can't please everyone. The key is, IMO, to please THAT person who you want to be with.

One final note: I can understand if someone doesn't want to put a whole lot of sexual things into their profile. However, I do think that it bears to keep in mind that these matters should be taken care of sooner rather than later. Like, before any real "caring" comes into play. Saying, "oh, by the way, I'm going to want multiple slaves" is probably something that's better said early on. Or if you're one whose philosophy about D/s or M/s is that it's "all about you". Not that there's anything wrong with that-- I just believe it's better to give the other person the opportunity to say "yay" or "nay" without undue pressure.



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/17/2014 4:04:02 PM)

-fr

Although this is a generalization, and as such subject to exceptions, I think that women generally don't respond well or at all to in-your-face sexual references in profiles and in early communications. I have also observed that men generally include such sexual references in their profiles and in early communications. I would not be surprised if this is a big reason why hetero people struggle to connect on sites like this.

Certainly a brief mention of an essential sexual practice or hard limit is good; allows us to weed out incompatible people. But men seem not to understand that a sexually focused approach, by a stranger on the internet, isn't welcome or enticing to women even on kink sites (I am sure there are exceptions). Intimate talk with a man we are involved with is hot; the exact same words from an internet stranger are repugnant and inspire us to click away.

I don't care that a nameless internet man "is horny". I am entirely uninterested in hearing about that stranger's sexual needs. The elaborate sexual scripts I read in profiles strike me as sad wishful thinking by men fundamentally lacking the understanding of women that comes from having been with a few. It is good to be made aware of that lack before time is invested.



littleladybug -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/17/2014 4:52:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

Intimate talk with a man we are involved with is hot; the exact same words from an internet stranger are repugnant and inspire us to click away.




I'm sure you're speaking of "us" as in "you" and not speaking for all women everywhere. (Yes, I realize you said "I"m sure there are exceptions", but that seems to be to be a throw-away...)

Where does this idea of "generally women think this" come from? That's a serious question. Is that what you feel "should" be? Or, have you done a comprehensive study?

Just as a side note....was recently asked how I "met" my prior fiancee. Had been chatting, probably for about a year with him, casually in a chatroom. One evening, I came in and innocently asked him "how's it hanging?"....without missing a beat...he said "to the left hon, always to the left". Dang...he HAD me with that. (Once I figured out what he was talking about....LOL)

Point is...this was a complete sexual overture. And, gee, 8 years later...life was damned good. (And 98% non sexual...)

I may be the proverbial "exception that makes the rule", but I really don't think so. I think that if both sides were completely honest about things....there would be a hell of a lot fewer posts on this site...LOL

Just freaking be honest with what you want....whether it's sexual or not. Problem pretty much solved.



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/17/2014 5:04:21 PM)

It was not a throw-away. It was a direct statement to convey that I am fully aware that I am not speaking for every woman. And I said it twice, to underscore that.

Reading this thread tells me that as a general rule, with exceptions, I was correct.



littleladybug -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/17/2014 5:26:08 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2


Reading this thread tells me that as a general rule, with exceptions, I was correct.



Ok...so a handful of people on one website is your pool.

I would sincerely suggest that you don't use that as a basis for your "most women" conclusion.

The solution is simple...substitute "I" for "we".




orgasmdenial12 -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/18/2014 3:22:48 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2


Reading this thread tells me that as a general rule, with exceptions, I was correct.



Ok...so a handful of people on one website is your pool.

I would sincerely suggest that you don't use that as a basis for your "most women" conclusion.

The solution is simple...substitute "I" for "we".




I agree. I like sexual content in general and on a profile. This is a sexual website, BDSM is an overwhelmingly sexual interest, it's perfectly appropriate to talk about sex. I also agree that more women enjoy sexual content than the stereotypes allow for.



Drenche -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/20/2014 12:16:40 AM)

Thanks to everyone who responded. Here are some additional thoughts:

quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

I would say though that a heavy emphasis on degrading and humiliating is one of my red flags as it seems to suggest that their sadism comes from a place of hate and disgust rather than attempting to enable mutual satisfaction, exploration and pleasure.

My profile aside, I think of degradation and humiliation as expressions of emotional sadism, as opposed to the physical sadism that you may enjoy more. I don't think being into the psychological side of that coin suggests where someone's sadism is coming from any more than being into the physical side does. My attempts to enable mutual satisfaction, exploration and pleasure are not lessened just because of the kind of sadism I happen to enjoy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

The key breakthrough for me in terms of CM and profiles was this - you attract the same energy that you put out.

I found this line and the supporting paragraph that follows it to be very insightful and helpful. Thank you sincerely for this, and all of your thoughtful comments.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Personally all that stress in your profile about taboo, moral outrage etc says to me you have some issues about sex that you would do better to work out in therapy. As does your insistence that you aren't going to look at her as a person, just a thing.

How convenient that I happen to already be in weekly therapy. Does my profile really come across as "stress"? Also, I don't see the part in my profile where I insist that I am not going to look at her as a person, just a thing? Can you clarify?

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

And I strongly recommend you rethink your "only stopping if safeword is used"

Whoa! I certainly did not say that. The words you have in quotes are not found on my profile. Please don't do that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I need to trust that he is as invested in my safety as I am, not blaming me for not safewording. The fact that you don't seem to think you need to read your bottom concerns me. Why not stop and make sure she's okay.

Where are you getting this? My profile does say, "I won't stop just because you cry or beg, so I offer a safeword for medical emergency." Surely this is different from saying that I don't think I need to read a partner, nor stop to make sure she is okay, and will instead blame her for not safewording?

You may be relieved know I am aware that the way I play prevents some people from being able to talk, as this has happened before. I frequently prod my partner for cognizant verbal responses during play, and of course I always stop a scene if I realize she can no longer speak.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

Taboo doesn't automatically make me think K9, but it does make me assume you're looking for one of the less-popular kinks and don't want to scare people off by saying it.

Thanks! This is probably a common reaction to the word "taboo" that I was unaware of. The one change I have made so far is to replace the line, "I like breaking most taboos, the more 'wrong' the better," with a much softer sentence. I think the rest of your advice is good too, so even though I may keep the word "abuse", I am certainly considering adding a couple of sentences devoted to vanilla interests.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

I don't find that it saves time and energy at all to list those kinky, sexual, private things in a profile

I agree, and I appreciate your other comments too. I should clarify that my goal in listing those things is not to save time and energy, it is to arouse someone enough to message me. It appears that the proper ratio of sexual content to vanilla interests is a matter of some debate, which probably means...

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

at the end of the day, there will be as many answers as there are people on here

Dammit, would you stop being so logical and help me write the ultimate profile! (Just kidding!)

Thanks to everyone commenting!

Drenche



lalbobbilynn -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/24/2014 1:57:37 PM)

i love & agree with ALL of these! [:D]



subrosaDom -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/24/2014 2:10:18 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Drenche

Thanks to everyone who responded. Here are some additional thoughts:






quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

Taboo doesn't automatically make me think K9, but it does make me assume you're looking for one of the less-popular kinks and don't want to scare people off by saying it.

Thanks! This is probably a common reaction to the word "taboo" that I was unaware of. The one change I have made so far is to replace the line, "I like breaking most taboos, the more 'wrong' the better," with a much softer sentence. I think the rest of your advice is good too, so even though I may keep the word "abuse", I am certainly considering adding a couple of sentences devoted to vanilla interests.



Thanks to everyone commenting!

Drenche


I think "taboo" is a terrible word to put in a profile unless you are explicit about it -- and that creates its own problems. Because -- and to be 100% clear, I am IN NO WAY suggesting this is what you had in mind, I'm only talking impressions -- pedophilia is taboo. Do you want even one person thinking you mean that? Incest is taboo and similarly illegal. K9 is taboo and illegal in most states depending on the weight of the animal (I'm not making this up). Scat is taboo and so far as I know, it's not illegal, although from a disease-vector perspective, it's not exactly CDC-approved.

So rather than say "taboo," say "I am into taboo practices like female infibulation," or "Taboo to mean means drinking my piss" or whatever it is you have in mind. Or drop the word entirely. It's way too loaded and all it can do is get you in trouble.



KYsissy -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/24/2014 2:27:00 PM)

Flipping the bird in the profile pic. This is usually accompanied by a pigsty of a room in the background.



subrosaDom -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (8/24/2014 2:35:08 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

quote:

ORIGINAL: Drenche
THE GOOD:

Turn-ons in a Dominant's Profile Text:

1) Good spelling and grammar.

I's couldnt agrees more.

2) Positive text that feels natural, fluid, original and unique. Sense of humor.
I'm thinking of giving up here. Everyone I've talked to stops talking to me suddenly. You are all assholes.

3) Information on their personality, goals, dreams, or life circumstances
My last slave died of starvation in her cage. Now it's time to repeat the process. Volunteers?

4) Vanilla activities we might have in common outside BDSM.
I watch Mickey Mouse every day

5) Indications a well rounded person with family, hobbies, work, etc.
No one likes what I do. I am building a fallout shelter.

6) A realistic approach. Be out and honest about what you want.
Absolute power absolutely. A slave so brainless and witless she will do whatever I say even if it imperils her life.

7) Knowledge of what they are looking for, and not afraid to let me know.
Dolcett is not a cartoon. If you aren't willing to be cooked and eaten, why even bother writing me?

8) Not playing chameleon by saying he likes whatever I like.
Whatever you want I will never give you.

9) Signs of self-awareness, even if that means saying, "I don't know, yet."
There is simply nothing I haven't done, nothing I don't know. You have come to the real Master.

10) Evidence of having done their homework on BDSM: dynamics, terminology, risks, rewards.
I am into suspending you by your nipples from the ceiling. For safety, I have a mattress 10 feet below.

Turn-ons in a Dominant's Profile Photos:

1) Face pictures, especially smiling pictures.
Especially with vampire teeth.

2) Pictures that hint at an interest or hobby (pets, musical instruments, working on a car).
"Me next to my collection of 1,000,000 paper clips."

3) Pictures that weren't taken in a mirror or with a webcam suggest actual social interactions.
"Me hangin' with my bitches."


THE BAD:

Red Flags in a Dominant's Profile Text:

1) All BDSM and/or sexual. A profile strictly about sex is a turn off.
If the cunt don't fit, you must acquit.

2) Any demands for "NO LIMITS". Everyone has limits.
My limits are for the afterlife.

3) Demands that you use honorifics from the first contact.
I legally changed my name to Lord.

4) Claims of experience that began before they were legal.
I've been a Dom in my 10 previous lives, going back to the year 1,000 BCE.

5) An interests list with "expert" beside almost everything.
Real Doms know everything.

6) Anyone who feels a lot of submissives aren't "true" or "real".
You are real if I tell you. Otherwise you are fake. .

7) Proclamations of knowing the "one true way" based on "experience".
Those who do not follow me must be eliminated.

8) Warnings that imply THEY are Protectors and all other Dominants are predators. (Give me a break!)
See previous answer.

9) Unrealistic expectations, rules, requirements. Ex: "Sleep all night with a mouthful of cock."
24/7/365 gagging unless my cock replaces the gag. Fluids delivered via I/V. Your mouth is not needed.

10) Dangerous self-aggrandizing: "You don't need a safe word. I know what I'm doing!"
When death is the only limit, safewords aren't needed.

11) Mention of "real dolcett" indicates a mental ward or coroner's office isn't far behind.
Call me Lord Dolcett.

12) There's nothing more suspicious than someone telling you to trust them.
I know the drill. I know how everything is done. Only your complete and absolute trust no matter the pain or agony you feel, no matter whether you feel your life ebbing out of your body, is acceptable.

Turn-offs in a Dominant's Profile Text:

1) Findom as a main focus. Ex: "...tribute is required."
Findom is inefficient. I become your sole heir.

2) Empty profile with little or no information.
Everything you need to know you will learn when I kidnap you.

3) Bad spelling and grammar, text speak, only one or two lines.
I am UR Lord &Master. U will aknowege me alwayz.

4) Banality: "Message me to know more." "Add me." "Anything you want to know, ask."
I am an open book, babe.

5) Negativity, badmouthing, bitching or bitterness: "Why do I bother?"
All women are cunts. I am the Lord who will treat you like one.

6) Entitlement: "I've been here for a week and can't find a woman!"
Pathetic site. Not enough cunts R responding to me. Step it up bitches.

7) Complaints about fakes or, even worse, name and shaming.
Chk out this chat with MyLovingSub987654321, she is another bitch.

8) Preaching, ranting, know-it-all tripe, conceit, arrogance, bigotry, sexism, superficiality.
You might not like my profile and that proves U R a MORON.

9) Anyone who mentions "Holes". Ex: "I want a 3 holed slave!"'
I will not call you slave. I will call you HOLE.

10) Critical of their ex/other users of the site/other people's bodies
My ex- was a bitch 'til I offed her.

11) On and on about how superior the dominant is and how the reader is just a pig/worm/wallet
I have done more than anyone on this site. Look under the floorboards in my house if you don't believe me.

12) Married and cheating: "... but my wife and I don't have sex, anymore."
This is all on the side. My wife, little bitch, don't know nothing about this. You will keep it that way.


Turn-offs in a Dominant's Profile Photos:

1) Dick pics. (One thoughtfully composed dick pic, not as a primary, may or may not be forgiven.)
Lord Dick.

2) Asshole shots. Close up vagina shots. (Unforgivable? Is a thoughtfully composed asshole shot even possible?)
Your asshole goes here.

3) Pictures of their ex(es).
My bitches. Show me your better.

4) Pictures stolen from porn sites, especially unrealistic images.
Image searching prohibited.

5) Generic black and white bdsm photos often of a male in a suit and a humble-looking model.
What I used to do.

6) Refusal to post face pictures (especially with the "I can't because of work" excuse).
Time out: I actually don't agree with this. People have to protect their privacy -- kids, family, etc. Share pics after you've talked a bit.

7) Messy photo backgrounds indicate possibly lazy, unmotivated, unorganized or apathetic.
Remember those 1,000,000 paper clips.

8) A whole gallery of "erotic" photos of them with no vanilla shots.
I live it 24/7/365. All sex, all the time.






ItalianStallion -> RE: Best & worst things to see in a Dom/me's profile? (10/27/2014 2:49:16 AM)

Huge turn offs: Asking or demanding anything financial; any mention or hint of money. Any off site links, wanting to IM off the bat, crazy IM handles "@#$%mistressmelissaca$hmoney2014##[email protected]". Also dislike seeing pics of your slaves who have just had the shit beat out of them. Also, anything requiring bisexuality. I honestly don't know where or when THAT got so popular. Also, crappy pics of you in WalMart pajama pants aren't going to work either.

Huge turn ons: Amateur photos (nothing professionally done!) Of you in your fetish get up. Mentioning chastity or cuckolding. A display of your attitude without coming off as mega super PMS bitch.



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