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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Relocating to another country (8/15/2014 6:37:14 AM)
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In our relationship, he (the dom) relocated to me. USA to UK in our case.
Challenges we faced... well, immigration, for one. In our case it was relatively easy to get him a visa but it did take some work and planning.
His visa didn't allow him to work at all until after we married and reapplied (about six months) which obviously creates more challenges. It was quite isolating for him to be stuck at home in a place where he had no friends yet, and there was a lot of pressure on me to support us both. His work experience didn't count for much when he was searching for work because no one was interested in chasing up international references and a lot of UK employers didn't know what US qualifications were worth. With him being newly arrived in the country it would've cost us a lot to go back to school as he would've been on international fees.
I had to demonstrate I had a home and financial means to support him. So we didn't get to pick out our first home together and again there was pressure on me at a young age to make some big financial commitments. We had to move right in together (no luxury of a slow, 'normal' relationship build up) which obviously took a leap of faith and could've gone horribly wrong. We had to marry within that six month period or he had to leave. So I married very young to a guy I didn't know that long. It turned out great, but let's not pretend that it wasn't a big risk.
I was really young - as you are - and so I didn't have much experience with an adult relationship, so this was all huge. The age between about 18 and 24 is one of massive growth and change. I grew up a lot, despite being quite 'mature' for my age. Not many relationships started at 20 last the distance, which means the one who moves takes on a lot of personal risk if things go wrong.
For him, isolation was a big thing. Everything is subtly different. Your buddies aren't there, even your favourite brand of snack isn't in the store. It's lonely and so you come to depend on the other partner even more, which can be a make-or-break thing, depending on how solid your relationship is and how much personal space and socialising you both need.
Yeh I know, none of that is about D/s, but to be honest, 95% of the relationship challenges D/s couples face are exactly the same as everyone else.
Things I would consider:
- How much time have you spent together? Do you know each other's annoying quirks? Politics? Family dynamics? They make a huge difference.
- How financially stable are you? You are likely to need some money for the visa process but beyond that, you don't want to add extra stress to a tough situation.
- Where will you live? Do you have your own space?
- Who has the most stable career, best prospects etc? Who has the best odds of getting work in the other country?
- What will be the immigration restrictions? Will they prevent her working or getting health care? How will you work that out?
- What's the back up plan if you crash and burn?
- How will you offset homesickness and loneliness? Are you willing and able to put in the work to make sure she builds up a social network?
- How good are your relationship skills? Can you talk about issues without sulking, being spiteful, lashing out, being passive aggressive etc? Can you make this other person your priority? In other words, are you ready to move in with someone? This is higher stakes than just giving her a key to your place.
- Do you want the same things, in general as well as in D/s? Have you worked out how your D/s will look and are you willing to work on it and change it if (when) things don't work as you imagined.
Relocating to another country basically means that you are making a huge commitment much faster than you normally would, under more difficult circumstances, and with more to lose. Skyping is not enough to tell you that someone is worth that gamble. It can work out and be fab - We're coming up on 8 years married and 2 kids and we're really happy - but it isn't the same as traditional dating and it is hard in the early days.
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