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Talking to subs - 8/28/2014 9:33:09 AM   
Seanmoore


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/28/2014
Status: offline 		What attracts a sub to a dom? i find it hard to get subs to talk to me cause im not good at talking to people in general any ideas to help?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Talking to subs - 8/28/2014 10:00:13 AM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Seanmoore

What attracts a sub to a dom? i find it hard to get subs to talk to me cause im not good at talking to people in general any ideas to help?


There is no secret formula. Be honest, and be yourself. Forget about the kink side of things and go about it the same way you would when you would want to form a relationship with someone. The kink side will take care of itself.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Seanmoore)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Talking to subs - 8/28/2014 10:03:38 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

Well, how do you approach and talk to anyone you are interested in getting to know better? How do you talk to your friends? The point Im trying to make (maybe not very successfully) is treat a submissive as a regular person and act accordingly. After all, he or she (not knowing your preference) is a person first...submissive second. Just relax and be yourself.

As to what attracts a submissive to a dominant...you can ask 10 different people and get 10 different answers. Attraction is very subjective, rather than being an across the board generality. Best piece of advice I can give you is to be genuine, honest, and sincere. Don't try to be something you aren't in the hopes of attracting someone. Confidence in yourself is sexy

(in reply to Seanmoore)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Talking to subs - 8/28/2014 12:33:01 PM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline 		I agree with the others, be yourself, talk about your vanilla interests, see what you have in common with her and talk to a sub like you would talk to anyone else.

I will add what not to do. Don't talk down to a sub like she's somehow beneath you and don't give her orders as if she's your sub.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.


(in reply to Seanmoore)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Talking to subs - 8/28/2014 1:26:42 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You're asking two different questions here.

1. What do femsubs find attractive in male Doms?
2. How do you talk with a femsub?

I wish I knew the answer to #1.

For #2, tell her why you're writing her. Are you agreeing or disagreeing with something she wrote? Asking about a tattoo? Etc.



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to InHisHeart)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Talking to subs - 8/28/2014 2:29:46 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		-fr

How do you talk with a femsub? How do you talk with a human? Contrary to popular belief, "subs" are humans. If you don't know how to talk with people, work on that first because you are ill-equipped for a relationship.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Talking to subs - 8/28/2014 4:02:31 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Seanmoore

What attracts a sub to a dom? i find it hard to get subs to talk to me cause im not good at talking to people in general any ideas to help?


I think you need to ask yourself a more fundamental question; are you actually a Dom?

I haven't looked at your profile, but you pose the question as though you are a Dom looking to attract a sub. Yet, you followed that by giving the most non-dominant description of yourself that I could possibly imagine. What attributes make you dominant, if you're "not good at talking to people"?

I'm going to assume that you have difficulty meeting women, you've never actually had a sub, and that you're only dominant in your own mind. Am I correct?

BTW, I don't ask that question to insult you. Rather, I think it's important that you realize that you can't just slap the Dom label on yourself. If nobody has ever submitted to you, then you're really not a Dom. You may aspire to be, but you're not one yet. And introversion and social awkwardness are not the predominant characteristics that I find in most Doms/Dommes. But I could be wrong.

I encourage you to be very honest with yourself and assess whether you really have what it takes to be a Dom. It takes more than just giving yourself a label on a website. Do you have the ability to ACTUALLY dominate another human being? Like I said, be honest with yourself.

Good luck.
-Roch

(in reply to Seanmoore)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Talking to subs - 8/28/2014 4:16:22 PM   
ladynlord


Posts: 247
Joined: 1/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Don't talk down to a sub like she's somehow beneath you and don't give her orders as if she's your sub. [/color]

Further....If a "sub" or "slave" asks you to start out that way, beware!!! Lot's of people looking for fantasy and wanking material want you to degrade them through your letters and texts. Okay, maybe later on, after you have gotten to know them as a person you can explore that area of erotica. But if you are looking for someone who is genuine and real and wants a relationship with a Dominant, then treat them as someone who is real and genuine and focus upon those things that you would with any vanilla relationship FIRST.

_____________________________

‘The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.’

— Mark Twain

_____________________________________________

¿uǝddɐɥ sıɥʇ pıp ʞɔnɟ ǝɥʇ ʍoɥ˙˙˙˙ǝɯ ןןǝʇ ʎpoqǝɯos

(in reply to InHisHeart)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Talking to subs - 8/29/2014 11:12:53 AM   
evilgoddesskate


Posts: 3
Joined: 8/28/2014
Status: offline 		As everyone else said, like a person. I want to get to know people before I really get into a discussion relating to kink.

(in reply to ladynlord)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Talking to subs - 8/30/2014 6:16:21 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Seanmoore

What attracts a sub to a dom? i find it hard to get subs to talk to me cause im not good at talking to people in general any ideas to help?


Have you ever purchased a book based on the blurb on the back cover?

Your profile is the "blurb" and your blurb reads, "this is the book, buy the book".

I don't know about everyone else, but I'm rushing to the bookstore right now.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to Seanmoore)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Talking to subs - 8/30/2014 8:01:29 AM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline 		Your profile reads........... "I am a male Dom if your a sub/slave looking to be own message me about yourself need i say more?"

Well yeah, you need to say more. What makes you stand out among all the other Doms out there, what's special about you, what do you have to offer a sub/slave that would give her the desire to talk to you, get to know you, be submissive to you and " maybe" eventually belong to YOU instead of every other Dom?

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.


(in reply to Seanmoore)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Talking to subs - 8/30/2014 8:56:37 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		This guy
<------- is every other Dom.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to InHisHeart)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Talking to subs - 8/30/2014 12:18:59 PM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

This guy
<------- is every other Dom.

Jus sayin


I didn't want to be so bold as to single you out but of course you are every other Dom, just said it in a round about way.


_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.


(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Talking to subs - 8/30/2014 1:56:07 PM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		^
^
^
That chick's got muh number ;)

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to InHisHeart)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Talking to subs - 8/31/2014 12:16:47 AM   
dreamysubmale


Posts: 204
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Seanmoore

What attracts a sub to a dom? i find it hard to get subs to talk to me cause im not good at talking to people in general any ideas to help?



What makes a man attractive to a woman would be the question I’ll be asking.

As for finding it hard to talk to a sub, again remember, she’s a woman before she’s a sub. I’m not an expert but I would approach the girl I want with a smile, greet her and tell her my name while asking for hers. I know it sounds cliche but be yourself. Show that you are genuinely interested in her, be sincere.

Find something interesting about her, if hard, talk about the weather, the surroundings, anything to break the ice and start conversing (mostly listening). Make sure your questions are open ended. Not just a no and yes responses.

Don’t be cocky. You don’t need to come up with a sleazy pick up line. If my memory serves me right there is a post in here, on how to approach a domme, that I’m sure you can apply in approaching a sub. Someone might post that link as I’m not familiar how to do it.

Also ask the good folks in here for tips on how to improve your profile.

< Message edited by dreamysubmale -- 8/31/2014 12:19:17 AM >

_____________________________

Everywhere man blames nature and fate, yet his fate is mostly but the echo of his character and passions, his mistakes and weaknesses... Democritus

(in reply to Seanmoore)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Talking to subs - 8/31/2014 1:07:59 AM   
subrosaDom


Posts: 724
Joined: 2/16/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: InHisHeart

Your profile reads........... "I am a male Dom if your a sub/slave looking to be own message me about yourself need i say more?"

Well yeah, you need to say more. What makes you stand out among all the other Doms out there, what's special about you, what do you have to offer a sub/slave that would give her the desire to talk to you, get to know you, be submissive to you and " maybe" eventually belong to YOU instead of every other Dom?


OP: Writing a profile at a level above 3rd grade English would help. I don't care if English is your worst subject: "your"? "looking to be own [sic]"? And since you're not Cormac McCarthy, you don't get to take the liberties he does with punctuation. A few commas would be nice. Do you know why? Because this shows you don't respect YOURSELF enough. If you did, you'd ask a friend to proofread it. This has nothing to do with talking to people. It starts with you.

If you get that part fixed, then I suggest you mention something you like about the woman. "Hi, I'm a Dom and I'm interested" doesn't cut it. You don't need to be an expert on communication to mention one thing about her that you like. And if there isn't one thing, why are you writing?



< Message edited by subrosaDom -- 8/31/2014 1:16:05 AM >

_____________________________

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

- Nietzsche

(in reply to InHisHeart)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Talking to subs - 8/31/2014 2:15:45 AM   
AKinkCounselor


Posts: 53
Joined: 8/12/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009


quote:

ORIGINAL: Seanmoore

What attracts a sub to a dom? i find it hard to get subs to talk to me cause im not good at talking to people in general any ideas to help?


I think you need to ask yourself a more fundamental question; are you actually a Dom?

I haven't looked at your profile, but you pose the question as though you are a Dom looking to attract a sub. Yet, you followed that by giving the most non-dominant description of yourself that I could possibly imagine. What attributes make you dominant, if you're "not good at talking to people"?

...

I encourage you to be very honest with yourself

Good luck.
-Roch


I'm not entirely sure that is what he's saying actually. Surely He's simply accepting that he is - perhaps - socially awkward at talking to people *in general*

I can certainly agree with that, I've never got on with people *in general* they annoy the hell out of me. But fortunately I'm not looking to dom *people* I'm looking to dom one person that I have an affinity with.

Are you saying that an introverted person is introverted to everybody in their lives? That someone can't be quiet and reserved with most of the people they meet and have an entirely different personality to those they are close to?

You suggest he 'be honest with himself' which saying 'I'm not good at talking to people in general' is a perfect case of. Yet without taking any time to understand his reason for saying that you dismiss him as not being dom.

And surely, every single dom / sub in here was once only dom / sub in their own mind. I am sure there are a lot of people here who simply feel that these concepts make sense to them and they are here to understand and learn what they need to do to become the thing that they desire.

Personally I see someone who came here and asked a polite question, and qualified it with some honest information about themselves. To dismiss somebody's desires and character because of that is - in my opinion - rather rude.



_____________________________

While in the real world I give advice, this is not that.

These are my opinions (and half thoughts) opinions that I have worked hard to form. They are mine. You shouldn't trust them, you should get your own.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Talking to subs - 8/31/2014 3:40:07 AM   
Badwulf


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/13/2007
Status: offline 		Getting started is a bitch. no reasonable woman is going to be used as an experiment for a fumbling Dom to injure.

I was lucky, I met an unreasonable one, but yeah it is tough.

Your main problem is no Subbie will touch somebody who can not use language and is not confident. it is a fantasy for them , they need somebody who they consider is worthy of them.

It is your job to show them that you are. You don't have experience or references, You don't have technical skills.

So an approach ... Start getting yourself along to munches, fetish fairs, rope workshop. Most include demos. Forget about finding a subbie, if you mingle and mix it will happen in time. In the mean time start building up some technical knowledge, how to tie without causing nerve damage is always good. You will find everybody very helpful, we have all been where you are. When i Met my first sub my hands where shaking so much i couldn't get the money out of my wallet to pay for the drinks. Not very Dom! Fortunately she saw through that :)

Slow steps, work on yourself from language to technical skills. In time you will become what you wish to be seen as.

Wulfy

(in reply to AKinkCounselor)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Talking to subs - 8/31/2014 6:21:08 AM   
AKinkCounselor


Posts: 53
Joined: 8/12/2014
Status: offline 		The problem - I have at least - with generic advice is that it is, well, generic.

Sure, if you're wanting to become a generic dom, you can go to munches, learn to tie knots, and do the dozen other things that 99.99% of doms talk about on profiles.

What this completely ignores is what makes YOU dom. What is there about you that would make someone want to give you their attention, and subsequently submit to you.

If you're new at this (my apologies if you're not, I'm kinda following the flow of the thread) then I would suggest start by understanding who you are, what you want, what you're good at and what you could possibly improve.

For instance, if you're really not good around a crowd of people - which I'm guessing you're not - then turning up at a munch on your own is very unlikely to be a great experience, chances re you'll end up sat up the corner wit ha 'WTF' look on your mug!

So maybe, if you are new, post a profile that says that, let people know that you're here to learn and understand what it means. Participate on the boards (exactly like you are doing!) Get to know people virtually, as friends, as people aside from their kinks. Then when / if you do turn up at your first munch you'll have friends there.

As for the rope thing, if rope is your thing, then sure go for it, technical skills are useful. But what is infinitely more important, is being able to say 'this is who I am, this is what I'm looking for' and you only find that by exploring.

Finally, as far as language / grammar / spelling goes. personally I am a bit of a language geek. I enjoy well written words. As do a lot of the people who participate on the boards. But as with everything else it is your profile, you are the only one who has to decide what is important. If language isn't important to you, and you want someone for whom it isn't important either, then don't worry about it. If English isn't your first language, and you want to have a well written profile, then write what you want put in it, and ask on the boards for advice. I'm sure there would be some here who wouldn't mind assisting with such things if you post a polite message.

Ultimately all I'm saying is be your own dom, read the advice that is given here and make your own damn mind up...

_____________________________

While in the real world I give advice, this is not that.

These are my opinions (and half thoughts) opinions that I have worked hard to form. They are mine. You shouldn't trust them, you should get your own.

(in reply to Badwulf)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Talking to subs - 9/3/2014 1:10:34 AM   
Redhusky


Posts: 83
Joined: 7/2/2014
Status: offline 		You do the same thing you do to normal person.

(in reply to AKinkCounselor)
Profile   Post #: 20
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