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Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really don't - 7/11/2006 1:27:11 PM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

This is a spin-off from the other thread. My problem is that I am so over-wrought and stressed that I don't feel dominant at all. How exhausting it is at times to always be the one to make the decisions. Even though he has given me the authority to make the decisions regarding day to day activities and life in general, you have no idea how much I feel like lying my head against his chest and allowing him to take the reins for a bit. Does this make me weak? I don't think so, it just makes me a human being who is dog-tired, one who enjoys the authority that has been given to her, but would love to not have to use it at this time. I am a woman who is behaving as if I feel dominant, but am only pretending to be at this time. I feel emotionally and physically weak and fighting back tears most of the time. I know that it is only human for people to cry, but I was raised to believe that it is a sign of weakness for me to cry in front of people, much less someone who looks up to me and admires my strengths. I really hope this makes sense. It is not posted as a whiny or titty baby thread, It would help to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. Have you as a dominant, ever felt so weak emotionally that you couldn't stand the thought of your submissive seeing you that way?

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Post #: 1

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/11/2006 1:30:03 PM

Caretakr

Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

No,if a sub can't stand to see me express emotions, she's not suitable to be with me. I'm a deeply emotive and passionate man, my partner will have to desire that quality.

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 2

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/11/2006 1:34:50 PM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Caretakr

No,if a sub can't stand to see me express emotions, she's not suitable to be with me. I'm a deeply emotive and passionate man, my partner will have to desire that quality.

Caretakr,
I understand completely. I think it is everything that has happened this past couple weeks, the car accident, the emotional strain of not knowing if he was going to live or not. This move is taking alot out of me. I just feel beatin up. Thank you for responding.

_____________________________

(in reply to Caretakr)

Post #: 3

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/11/2006 1:41:26 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

This is where the "anticipation of need" should kick in for the sub.

He/she should know you well enough to put his "needs" on the back burner and just smooth the waters around you the best he/she can.

My slave knows my weaknesses as well as my strengths. This save me the indignity of having to askhim for help. He just steps up to the plante as needed.

Lotus.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 4

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/11/2006 1:55:10 PM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

MoGa,

We all have those times when between work, family, and other obligations we just become overloaded. We need downtime to pull ourselves back together. Lucky for me, my girl is capable of running things rather well on her own and goes out of her way to take care of me.

We are all human and sometimes we just can not always be on top of our game spititng out orders. Needing your partner should never be a sign of weakness. Isn't part of the reason we have relationships is to support one another?

K

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 5

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/11/2006 1:56:57 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Wow, I remember the last time I moved. Staring at all of the boxes in all of the rooms, full of stuff, and feeling overwhelmed. I just burst into tears, right there.
I don't think this is a Dominant thing, I think it might be a human thing.

Then some sweet neighbors came over all peppy and cheery and wanted to talk and introduce themselves and welcome me to the neighborhood. I was polite and grateful, but felt like a complete zombie as I poured them soft drinks and nodded at their conversation and said "thank you', how nice of you to do for us."

Please cut yourself some slack. don't feel "less Dominant" if you just want a nap and a bubble bath. Order take-out and go shopping for new dishtowels - anything to get away from it all, if even for just an hour. You just dealt with a bad car accident, besides moving?: Cut yourself double slack.

There is such a phenomenon known as "situational depression" - depression due to circumstances. There is also "cumulative depression" ; when someone has several bad things happent to them in a row, they can become depressed.

If you find yourself crying for more than about two weeks, frequently, I would talk to a therapist or doctor who might be able to prescribe meds. There is nothing shameful at all about doing that. I am not suggesting this is what you need to do, just that the possibility may arise. If, so - it's an option (and it works for many).
The people won't allow themselves to seek help are the weak and silly ones, in my opinion.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/11/2006 2:08:43 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 6

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/11/2006 2:47:44 PM

janiceleeinsc

Posts: 61
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline

I have just come through a time where I did not feel I was as "Dominant" as I should be in my relationship. I think it happens to all of us especially if we are females because we have a lot on our plate these days.
Sometimes, you need a break from the life. Go out for regular fun or do something different for a change.
Negativity will creep in. Don't allow those negative thoughts to take away from who you are suppposed to be.

Respectfully,

Mistress_Jan

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 7

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/11/2006 3:14:09 PM

enigmabrat

Posts: 2383
Joined: 8/1/2004
Status: offline

Domanents are human they are not 100% domanent jjust like subs are not 100% submissive there are times that emotions take over and a good relationship can flow with the wind were theres love theres a way

-da enimga-

_____________________________

Leather strap $85.00 on Master card
Wooden paddle $50.00 on Master card
ratten cane $48.00 on Master card

a Master that can use them all Priceless

(in reply to janiceleeinsc)

Post #: 8

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/11/2006 3:18:15 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

When our two male partners died within 5 months of each other, SR was heartbroken and shattered. I was still a servant at the time, and, after considerable discussion with those of us who remained after the first death (only 4 of us stayed... the rest decided they couldn't handle it and walked), SR decided that she was going to release the rest of our "trainee" servants. This left me. I was also horribly traumatized by the loss of both men -- one of whom had been a mentor and spiritual confidante for over 20 years, and the other who had been the only person I'd ever been able to consider submitting to. However, I still heard EB's voice in my head, and knew that, even though SR was in no condition to have to "manage" me, she still very much needed my service. I didn't wait for her to tell me what she needed... I anticipated both her need to grieve and her need to have someone keep things going until she could get her feet under her again. She was still my Lady... no matter what else happened.

It took 4 years for her to get her feet under her again... and I changed a bit in the process as well. The point is, sometimes, you just have to do what you have to do. Either those who are with you will help in the process, or they'll hinder.... but you still have to do what you have to do, and you still need to let yourself feel what you feel. If your servant cherishes you, and cherishes his service, he'll respond to your need with an outpouring of help, and cherish that you are being yourself -- and letting him see you in all the depth of who you are, with all the strong emotions that go with it. If that isn't in someone, there's no harm and no foul (and honestly, some people just can't manage being involved in someone else's turmoils -- it's too much for them... which is also an honest state of being to be respected) but hopefully, he'll see this as an opportunity to show just how amazing he can be when you really need it.

ZWD

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 9

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/11/2006 7:01:56 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

MoGa... I think it makes you stronger. As a sub...seeing one of my doms leaning on me... makes me feel ..... more needed than ever..... more wanted.... and personally...I would trade that for nothing in the world....

Hugsss..

Jessica

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 10

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/11/2006 7:40:57 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I agree with you MistressofGa we all get tired from time-to-time and we all just get plain frustated. Life is that way at times. Being the all time decision maker can melt the brain sometimes and you just need to find something to clear your mind and set your soul at peace. Yoga might help, meditation I have heard is very good.

When my sub and I first got together I told him I wanted a 50/50 relationship as he was a Master prior and had no sub experience at all. I didnt want to take the chance on him thinking he would even remotely have the chance of being the Dominant one in this relationship, so we agreed to the 50/50.

Well it turns out over time that he has discovered that he is truly submissive and he wants me to make all the decisions. Thats fine with me, but I still ask for his input. Sometimes we go back and forth and I finally say ok we are doing this or that. Sometimes I will make him make the decision. I will give him a choice of two things to do or places and then say j PICK!

and we do. You may want to try this with your boy and see how it works. Perhaps you could even assign certain decision making duties to him. Not monumental ones but ones that could free up some of your time and the mental drain on you.

Good luck,

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 11

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/11/2006 8:42:45 PM

Smythe

Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

snipped
. Have you as a dominant, ever felt so weak emotionally that you couldn't stand the thought of your submissive seeing you that way?

I am sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. I don't have a magical solution but I certainly agree with you that the role of Dominant can be tiring at times. I always feel as though my dominance grows out of my energy, enthusiasm, passion and positivity. When these things are lacking, so is the dominance.

The important thing to remember is that when you are feeling better, your dominant feelings will return. They are part of who you are. Just see this for what it is: a temporary bump in the road, do what you need to do to feel better, and be confident that everyone will be in their proper place soon enough!

Smythe

_____________________________

Do not consider painful what is good for you.
Euripides

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 12

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/11/2006 9:07:40 PM

Driver1961

Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

He enters dips His lid, wipes His tears of joy.

WOW! Now MissoGa this certainly has my attention and the many others already here. I don't believe your 'state' is be relegated to the domain of being a woman but simply a human. Being a Dom/me is tiring and the communication within the dynamic realizes the strength of respect and support between you. Relaxing in a bath prepared for you (and being by yourself) is little different than a foot or hand massage- it extends the 'words' of your relationship into 'actions'.

I particlarly liked the stepping up to the plate comment! - this would resonate to my Wildchild should she stumble upon here.

You are recognising/identifying, now planning/evaluating, I wish you luck in your Actioning. Health in oneself is paramount before we can demand it in others, and there is no need to 'beat ourselves up' believing that others can see our 'humaness' as weakness. Your strength is here by starting the thread.

My warm hand and all others aforehere are lightly on your arms assisting your planning. Warm smiles to you.

Regards Driver1961Sir to His loving Wildchild.

_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to Smythe)

Post #: 13

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/12/2006 7:12:03 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

My dear Friend, MoG--huge warm Southern hugs--

The way you and I live--I do not see Dominance as a behavior, I see it as a trait---as natural as breathing--however, we are human beings first of all and being Dominant does not wash away the ability to get tired, sick, grumpy, sad, or have weaknesses or weak moments--we have flawed thinking, fits of tears and anger---(note that I do no refer to gender, for I believe that Dominance is gender neutral)--so men have it too--sorry guys but ya do...

At times the body needs to stop and regroup, rewind and refresh--IMHO to lay things at the feet of your submissive shows trust and strength to say, I need you to do this for Me--and as jess said should fill the submissive with pride that they can help more in a difficult time---

It is the Yin and the Yang. My deepest thoughts for you.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 14

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/12/2006 8:41:00 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

In my opinion, having a slave (I dont' know about a submissive) is partly about letting yourself be taken care of. His job is to be of service to me and make my life easier even if that is just holding me while I cry about something or get really angry about stuff that has nothing to do with him.

I spent 9 months training Fox, he knows enough now with almost 7 years of service to me to be able to care for me and provide service without my guidence or orders.

He went to a support group for slaves once and one of their biggest complaints he told me was that their owners often didn't open up or act like real human beings, had difficulty accepting their slave's service and devotation in any way that didn't seem "ultra toppish". He told them that he really couldn't relate to that first part (though I used to have more difficulty accepting service or help in areas that were "mine") and they told him "you are so lucky". He didn't tell me names and only told me anything about that meeting cause afterwards, several people wandered by our booth and were looking at me a bit weirdly (in my opinion) and some even asked to shake my hand.

It was weird!

Yes, we are shown these images of "ultra tops" in the fiction and media that fuels many of our fantasies so it can be very difficult to be something else. I note in many books that I reveiw that the emotional and human side of being a top/dom is often unaddressed or briefly brushed aside far more often than for the sub/bottom side. I think it is a huge problem frankly cause it just promotes this idea of top/dom as superhuman which isn't what we are.

I have also heard some bottoms/subs say that they would leave if they saw their top/dom cry or seem out of control or confused. I think those folks buy into the fantasy too much and may be fated for short relationships.

Admitting you need time or to be taken care of though requires strength too and a lot of trust. Yeah, the trust isn't always from the bottom/sub, it has to come from us, too. Forcing ourselves to make decisions or act a certain way might actually help build up negatives in ourselves and for our partner. If you have obligations to your sub, live up to them but be honest with them and ask for help or feedback when you need it. Heck, even saying "make your f...ing choice" is good and could be seen as giving an order from time to time.

Just my opinion and experiences.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 15

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/12/2006 9:40:13 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

MoGa,

A belief of Himself: Being a Master, one reserves the right to exercise their power. One also reserves the right not to exercise their power.

This, too, shall pass.

I wish you well.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 16

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/12/2006 4:32:01 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

I feel emotionally and physically weak and fighting back tears most of the time. I know that it is only human for people to cry, but I was raised to believe that it is a sign of weakness for me to cry in front of people, much less someone who looks up to me and admires my strengths. I really hope this makes sense. It is not posted as a whiny or titty baby thread, It would help to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. Have you as a dominant, ever felt so weak emotionally that you couldn't stand the thought of your submissive seeing you that way?

I want to address this particular thougths/feelings you expess here.

You are Dominant of nature. But, it appears that you are equating Dominance to being strong and in control of emotions. Do you realize that this line of thinking equates to it being ok for a submissive to be weak and not in control of emotions. Personally, being strong and in control of emotions is a desirable state of mind be that person is Dominant or submissive. Why is because you feel weak and stress that you equating it to lacking Dominance or that you are pretending to be Dominant? I look at what you say and I see a this flawed relationship of strength equates to dominance and weakness equates to lacking dominance. If you lack dominance does this equate that you are submissive? Does this equate that you are pretending? I say NO!

Dominance and being a Dominant doesn't equate to being the Strong one! or always in Control of ones emotions! It doesn't mean that you have to be the one that makes ALL the decisions! Within the context of a relationship... It just might mean that you can exercise your authority when you choose to or you can delegate that power of choice when you so choose! It does not mean that you have to be the STRONG one. It does not mean you have to be ALL knowning! It does not mean that you are PERFECT!

You were born HUMAN.... being human equates that you will be YOU! Whatever You is! If today you feel stressed and weak then you make the decisions to protect yourself. Then maybe as simple as going to your submissive and getting a hug and curling up in their arms. It maybe leaning on there shoulder and letting a few tears go...... IT's YOU being YOU! The beauty of submissive accepting you for you... is them being them!

To the submissive that expects the Dominant to be always strong.... you will fail your Dominant when they need you most!.....

For the Dominant that expects themself to be always strong... your setting yourself up to fail both you and your submissive.

MoG... I sincerely state that you are not pretending to be Dominant.... you are only being YOU! Dominance is not strength... Being You is! Let you be you!

Personally, I have never felt less dominant showing my weakness to my two girls... I have felt empowered and loved.! I have felt stronger because of it. I adore my girls for the accepting me for ME and not something they expect me to be that is not me!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 17

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/12/2006 4:59:00 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

This is a spin-off from the other thread. My problem is that I am so over-wrought and stressed that I don't feel dominant at all. How exhausting it is at times to always be the one to make the decisions. Even though he has given me the authority to make the decisions regarding day to day activities and life in general, you have no idea how much I feel like lying my head against his chest and allowing him to take the reins for a bit. Does this make me weak? I don't think so, it just makes me a human being who is dog-tired, one who enjoys the authority that has been given to her, but would love to not have to use it at this time. I am a woman who is behaving as if I feel dominant, but am only pretending to be at this time. I feel emotionally and physically weak and fighting back tears most of the time. I know that it is only human for people to cry, but I was raised to believe that it is a sign of weakness for me to cry in front of people, much less someone who looks up to me and admires my strengths. I really hope this makes sense. It is not posted as a whiny or titty baby thread, It would help to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. Have you as a dominant, ever felt so weak emotionally that you couldn't stand the thought of your submissive seeing you that way?

You aren't alone.

I started a thread called "Dominant duties" on 4/8/06 that asked some of the same things you are (I'd post a link, but don't know how ). I had went through a great deal of stress and difficulties, and I was basically numb. Couldn't have dominated a turnip at the time, much less another human being. I still feel the effects of what happened at that time, but see light at the end of the tunnel.

Some people are changed during trying times; some have things revealed to them. So, if you're questioning what you are, MoGa, that's okay too. The one thing I would offer as advice is to take whatever time you need to get things sorted out, to feel back up to par.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 18

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/13/2006 4:21:52 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

*fast reply*

MoGa,

Dominance has little to do with how one deals with stress. Putting your head on his chest and whispering, "just hold me for a while" doesn't make you seem weak. Crying doesn't make you weak. Truly, it is weaker to fight these things because you think it's wrong to accept your humanity and to show it. Be *all* of who you are, to the best of your ability. Even when that means you feel like crying, or just being held. The more you fight it, the more difficult it will be to heal. Allow yourself the freedom to heal and allow him to help you heal.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 19

RE: Behaving as if you feel dominant, when you really d... - 7/13/2006 4:42:43 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa
Have you as a dominant, ever felt so weak emotionally that you couldn't stand the thought of your submissive seeing you that way?

I would think everyone has times like that, times when they feel totaly broken inside.

IF you can get over that and lean on them when you need to, cudos. Unfortunatly it is something I find neigh impossible to do, a skill I lack.

When I feel like that, NO-ONE sees it, it doesn't get out. *I* deal with it, pick myself up, put the pieces back together.... meanwhile I'm probably juggling a number of other peoples problems and supporting them through the process of getting to the other side.

One thing I have noticed. People are used to seeing this rock, reliable and unshakeable. The few times there has been a chink in the armour and people around me catch a glimpse of the fact I am a normal human being... suddenly there aren't that many people around me any more. They can't cope, they run, they are not missed (Most of them at least).

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 20

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