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pushing limits - 9/8/2014 6:20:09 PM   
Pr3ttyPlaything


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/15/2014
Status: offline 		I firmly believe that pushing one's self, mentally, physically, and emotionally leads to excelled personal growth and strength of personality. I also believe that this coincides well in the D/s dynic, that both parties can push their partner a bit further than they would be able to push themselves, thus growing together as a couple and as individuals. I'm curious as to how you (you being anyone who reads this and decides to respond) choose to go about this. I have an abstract idea that it is right, and it is a direction that is essential for the D/s dynamic I am seeking, however, I've been put off by Dominants who want to push me right off the bat, first time playing, and in some cases, first time meeting. I don't want to go around telling people how they should be dominant, but my concern is that someone who doesn't know me well would be less likely to care if they caused mental or physical damage. It's also much harder to place my boundaries in the hands of someone who hasn't earned my trust. I worry that i'm being overly cautious and overly critical, and would love to hear some other opinions and viewpoints. Thank you
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: pushing limits - 9/8/2014 6:34:14 PM   
Blonderfluff


Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline 		I've weighed in on this topic before, there have been several threads in the past regarding this exact thing. However, it's a good one, and deserves to be re-visited often. I do NOT think you are overly cautious. I also agree, that in testing our limits, we grow. But choosing WHO we allow to push us, is the key to the outcome, I think. If you are in a stable relationship with a D that has shown himself to be trustworthy, and where you, as the s, feels comfortable and safe talking and sharing all that is important, then I think it's up to you and him to know which limits can be stretched a little farther, and which ones are HARD limits. In an on-going relationship, the talking should never stop. I know for me, I have few hard limits. Soft limits are fluid, depending on the dynamic.

Those D types that want to "push your limits" right after the first meet?? Meh...ask them to move along, and thank them for showing you very clearly that they are not right for you.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.



I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to Pr3ttyPlaything)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/8/2014 8:44:16 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

My guy and I push each other, but only to the doorstep of previously discussed hard limits. That is one line we do not cross ever. Soft limits, for us, are meant to be explored together. We have spent well over 2 years together though, so that I think has a lot to do with our ability to do this. Neither of us would have even tried in the beginning. We had the basics of trust...sufficient enough to engage with each other, but the full on "I trust you with my life" trust grew over time. It was during this turning point that some of our edgier activities were able to be explored. But this was because we spent that critical time building a real foundation of the stable connection we have now.

We began by taking things slow and not being in a hurry. Filled out BDSM checklists for each other and took baby steps as we were learning about what made the other tick. There is no way we'd have ever gotten to where we are now had we pushed the other beyond what we felt they could handle or if we tried to push too hard and too fast. And none of this would have been possible without open and honest continued conversations together. The foundation has to be strong or the whole house we worked to build would have collapsed around us.

(in reply to Blonderfluff)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/8/2014 9:09:59 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Okay. First, I agree with you that no limit pushing should happen until the relationship is mature enough that there's a lot of trust. But I don;t think that limits should be pushed just for their own sake - the Dominant should, in conjunction with the sub, decide in which direction the sub should grow, and if it involves pushing limits, so be it.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/9/2014 5:07:49 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		I'm still waiting for that profile update.

Now to the question... You're young, prettyful, and are still defining who you are, so I'll address this in two parts.

You are on the right side of this site to receive the best guidance and resources available on the net. We have some of the most learned and trustworthy Tops that can be found. When looking for a play partner, a worthy and trustworthy play partner, the posters on this thread should be the first people you CMail. DarkSteven is a very experienced Top, well known in his community, and would be an excellent source of advice/council, and odds are very good he knows the right people that are local to you, or knows the right person or people to put you in touch with. You're growing and evolving your lifestyle interests and I'd like to see that happen without you getting damaged. The other side of this site is where you can get damaged by a predator dressed as a D or /s. Play is a cool and exciting thing, but choose your partners carefully and use the resources (people) here to make informed decisions. Play will allow you to explore soft limits, and a trust worthy play partner will view your hard limits as holy ground and leave them alone.

If your goal is ultimately to find a good, functional and stable relationship you MUST know who you are first. As cool as it may seem to be a lump of human clay for a D to mold, we really don't want that in an /s. Anyone that wants that is far too insecure to be in any relationship. What we want from you is for you to be responsible, structured, and wrought with self discipline, knowing who you are, what you want and what you need. An /s possessing those qualities will compliment a D's life and not complicate the hell out of it.

Knowing your wants and needs (wants being nice but not critical, needs being absolute) any D, as well as you, can make a clear and informed connection with one another. If pony play is a hard limit you don't want to join a D that lives for it. It can be extreme, and it can be as simple as stirring his morning coffee with your nipple. Limits are limits and they will make or break a relationship. Even in Vanilla relationships limits exist. I've heard many times, post divorce, where he or she says, "if he/she would've told me X I would've been okay with it, but the betrayal of trust was too much." Nilla or not, it's about informed consent, limits, and trust.

Again, you're young, prettyful, and have a lot to explore. Explore it safely.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to Pr3ttyPlaything)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/9/2014 1:23:54 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline 		The short answer is trust. Without it, no one should be pushing any limits.

The long, drawn out answer is a bit more complicated but ultimately comes down to trust. When I discussed things with my slut, she explained things that were hard limits for her, and some other things that were limits that could be pushed when I thought she was ready for it. Without the level of communication that I have with my slut, I doubt that we would have been able to push much of her "soft limits" that she described. I told her that if I was going to push something that I would let her know before it happened, it might be moments before I did it, but she would know that it was coming. This took some time to prepare her mentally for those limits to be pushed, and many conversations about the limits and why she was OK with them being pushed.

Any dominant that goes into something and pushes limits right away is an ass. There is no trust established and there obviously was no discussion as to how flexible those limits are. My slut was a total beginner to BDSM, and therefore I had to take things really slow with her. I had to start with simple bondage and work up to more complicated stuff, but the entire time we would talk after our sessions and discuss what she liked and didn't like, and really didn't like. I have been lucky because there is not much she doesn't like.

There is no prize to be won for dominants if we push people beyond what they are ready for, there is no locker room where we can swap stories and then go to a corner bar for a beer to toast how dominant we are. If you establish trust with someone, then you can discuss pushing limits, but that stuff is up to both of you, not solely the dominant. They are your limits and they need to be respected as such and you should have a say as to whether or not they can be pushed.

A normal developing relationship will allow opportunities for communication and negotiation of how and when to push limits.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/9/2014 1:55:28 PM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline 		I don't feel you're being overly cautious or critical at all. You need to make sure you stay physically and emotionally safe. A Dom that wants to jump right into pushing limits without really knowing the sub well, without establishing trust isn't a Dom I would give the time of day to.

For me to have my limits pushed, it takes being in an established relationship with a Dom and trusting him completely. Master often pushes my limits, I want them pushed and we'll talk about it afterwards. He wants to know how I felt during and how I feel afterwards and if any problems came up, they're talked about. There have been times I wanted him to push me harder than he did but if he didn't feel at that time it was safe for me physically or emotionally, he just won't do it.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.


(in reply to Pr3ttyPlaything)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/10/2014 4:42:10 PM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Okay. First, I agree with you that no limit pushing should happen until the relationship is mature enough that there's a lot of trust. But I don;t think that limits should be pushed just for their own sake - the Dominant should, in conjunction with the sub, decide in which direction the sub should grow, and if it involves pushing limits, so be it.




This is pretty much where I have always sat with this. Can't I be submissive to my partner without him pushing any of my limits? Can't my limits just be left alone?

< Message edited by smileforme50 -- 9/10/2014 4:48:47 PM >

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/10/2014 5:00:48 PM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Okay. First, I agree with you that no limit pushing should happen until the relationship is mature enough that there's a lot of trust. But I don;t think that limits should be pushed just for their own sake - the Dominant should, in conjunction with the sub, decide in which direction the sub should grow, and if it involves pushing limits, so be it.




This is pretty much where I have always sat with this. Can't I be submissive to my partner without him pushing any of my limits? Can't my limits just be left alone?


Possibly, though I would see how far a Klondike bar can take me.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to smileforme50)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/10/2014 9:08:49 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		We don't push limits here. We both have some, they are reasonable, and there because they are needed.

Obviously 'I simply dislike rope' isn't a limit. He will make me sit through that boring shit if he damn well please.
Knives are a hard limit for me, because I've had one pulled on me before,that's a limit he shouldn't play with if he intends to remain my top for very long.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/11/2014 4:47:52 AM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline 		~FR

A hard limit, an absolute no, not gonna happen with me in this lifetime are never pushed. We initially talked about hard limits and that was it, they're no longer brought up. Anything that isn't an absolute hard limit can be pushed. They can be soft limits or limits I consider higher on the list than a soft limit but not quite in the hard limit category. I enjoy the challenge of having my limits pushed and the feeling of accomplishment when I'm able to get past the anxiety, the fear or whatever it was that made it a limit for me.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.


(in reply to Pr3ttyPlaything)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: pushing limits - 9/11/2014 4:54:26 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		FR~

We don't push limits at all.
A limit is a limit, is it not?
If you are going to ignore it, why have it there in the first place?


_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”
George Orwell, 1903-1950


(in reply to InHisHeart)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: pushing limits - 9/11/2014 6:23:47 AM   
Pr3ttyPlaything


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/15/2014
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your insight and taking the time to answer..I know when it comes to interpersonal relationships there's no right or wrong way to do things. I sometimes worry, being fairly inexperienced, that I'm approaching other people from the wrong mindset, or am not 'submissive enough' ET, I really like what you had to say..I've been in vanilla relationships where I have been pushed to the edge of my comfort zone, by someone I trust and care about, and it made me see and consider a lot of things differently
As much as I want a serious, committed D/s relationship NOW (impatient much?) I feel like meeting other people in the community and learning as much as I can would bennifit me. I'm just now coming into my own as a submissive, and have only recently developed and latched onto those ideas and beliefs. I'm sure as I learn more, those will change, as with anything, and I want as much knowledge as I can possibly gain, to be the very best I am capable of being. That's why the idea of someone more experienced 'trainin' me or 'pushing' me has its appeal, but at the same time, that would be conforming to someone else's ideas about something that is very personal, and that seems silly. Kind of like how this post is long and meandering and silly..sorry about that. I appear to be sleep deprived

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/11/2014 6:51:26 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		Again, I'm going to point the finger at the people that posted here. They would be an invaluable resource to you. Now I'm going to ask you a hard question, rest assured that it isn't malicious, in just need you introspective:

Are you certain you are a submissive?

Explore that and remember, it is absolutely okay to be "bedroom" "switch" or "a meat Popsicle", but, Know. your. self.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to Pr3ttyPlaything)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: pushing limits - 9/11/2014 7:48:59 AM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1

FR~

We don't push limits at all.
A limit is a limit, is it not?
If you are going to ignore it, why have it there in the first place?



For me, my limits that are higher than soft limits (not hard limits) are things that I find intriguing, some I fantasize about but I have a strong fear of going there so I hold myself back. I need and want him to push me, help me get past the fear so I can find out if it is something for me. If he didn't push me, I'd never know if it's something I can handle or not because I won't go there without being challenged and pushed. I have my safe word if it gets to be too much for me or if it's something I can't handle physically or emotionally. He also knows me, my reactions, body language, look in my eyes very well so he knows if he needs to stop even if I don't safe word him.

My soft limits are more about things I'm hesitant on but not necessarily have a fear of. It could be something I don't like and wouldn't do it if I weren't pushed but I get emotional pleasure from it when I'm pushed to do it. The pleasure I get when he pushes them is from seeing the pleasure he gets.


_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.


(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: pushing limits - 9/11/2014 8:13:08 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: InHisHeart
My soft limits are more about things I'm hesitant on but not necessarily have a fear of. It could be something I don't like and wouldn't do it if I weren't pushed but I get emotional pleasure from it when I'm pushed to do it. The pleasure I get when he pushes them is from seeing the pleasure he gets.

Then surely these aren't 'limits' but merely considerations?

To use one definition of 'limit': The point, edge, or line beyond which something cannot or may not proceed.

To redefine what the word 'limit' actually means is rather confusing.


_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”
George Orwell, 1903-1950


(in reply to InHisHeart)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/11/2014 8:29:45 AM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1


To redefine what the word 'limit' actually means is rather confusing.



I agree with this. I've been around for a fair amount of time, and this is the first time that I've heard of a "gradation" of limits.

My limits are my limits. The lines that simply will not be crossed.

Obviously, there are things that I'm more keen on doing than others. There are certainly things that I have not done, some of which I am interested in trying, and others not so much. IMO, classifying any of these things as "limits" unnecessarily muddies the waters. I would expect that, depending on the person I was with, some of these things would be tried. I wouldn't consider that "pushing limits" at all.

However, it seems to all be coming down to semantics. Whether I define whatever activity as a "soft limit" or something that I would prefer not to do....I would expect that it would be considered "fair game".



(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/11/2014 10:01:16 AM   
CountDrackula


Posts: 36
Joined: 8/19/2014
Status: offline 		I would push her to the oven look you know its coming to bake me some muffins, and to the wine shop with her and her shoe money to purchase me cheap chardonnay.

Do I think a person should be pushed
Nope and Yes, but this is not easy to answer and risks opening the door for the pron addled mind & oven (errant object) cavity stretchers - curiously never their minds though.

So it must be a no in most scenarios.

But if the two people are of a similar mind and soul and fit, then it is more than possible...so Nope, but a rare yes. And avoid errant object cavity stretchers or those with that stereotypical mentality

(in reply to littleladybug)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/11/2014 11:19:59 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		~FR~

Limits. I really hate that word.

I have said before that I, myself personally, do not, and have never had limits.

The word itself places restrictions on a relationship. If you want a relationship to last, flourish, and grow...there can be no restrictions.

I do however, have certain boundaries that I trust my partner to never cross. Just as he has certain boundaries that he trusts me to never cross.

Boundaries are healthy. Boundaries are there for a reason; to protect a person emotionally, physically, and psychologically.
Anyone who tells you that you can have no boundaries in a relationship, is talking out of their ass.
Anyone who tells you that a submissive or slave can have no boundaries, is talking out of their ass.
Anyone who tries to change the boundary lines....you should tell them goodbye.

It's as simple as that.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to Pr3ttyPlaything)
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RE: pushing limits - 9/11/2014 11:21:55 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		Show me a girl that has unconditional love, and I'll she you a girl that loves the taste of strange pussy on cock.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 20
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