RE: pushing limits

RE: pushing limits (Full Version)

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littleladybug -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 11:22:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist Boundaries are healthy. Boundaries are there for a reason; to protect a person emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Anyone who tells you that you can have no boundaries in a relationship, is talking out of their ass. Anyone who tells you that a submissive or slave can have no boundaries, is talking out of their ass. Anyone who tries to change the boundary lines....you should tell them goodbye. It's as simple as that. And the difference between "boundaries" and "limits"? Seems like semantics, once again.

IrishMist -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 11:24:33 AM)
Actually, no they are not. "no playing with other people" = a limit "no cheating on me with other people"= a boundary

littleladybug -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 11:41:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist Actually, no they are not. "no playing with other people" = a limit "no cheating on me with other people"= a boundary And, this distinction comes from where? (Aside from your mind...which is fine...but not a very reliable source....) Limits...boundaries....lines that you won't cross....where's the distinction, really? Really, I'm having a hard time understanding this. Crap...I thought finding a Dom was hard enough...now I have to worry about "hard limits", "soft limits" and now "boundaries"???? All kidding aside.... One of my "boundaries" or "hard limits" is not having myself put in a position where I will get in legal trouble. Aside from the fact that it would put my job in jeopardy....I really don't like the idea of spending a minute in jail. Is that defined as a "boundary" or a "limit"....or simply something that I express to my partner that is a line that is just not crossed? Does it truly matter how I name it? It's a line that is just not crossed. As far as I am concerned, once we get this far into "semantics", the more reluctant I am to even venture into a relationship. "Here's what I won't do"....does that work for all?

IrishMist -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 11:56:41 AM)
LOL...I like you...so keep that in that mind as you read the rest quote: It's a line that is just not crossed. That right there says it all You have stated a boundary that if crossed, would cause you irreversible damage... Take it a step further though. The words legal trouble...generally, mean the same thing to everyone. Yet...there are different kinds of 'legal trouble' a person can get into. The one's that end you in jail or prison...are obviously the ones that you should refrain from. (YOU being a generalized term) So, you tell a potential Dominant that you do not want to get into any 'legal trouble'. He/she is going ask...what kind of legal trouble? You have just allowed him/her to take YOUR boundary and turn it into a limit. Many experienced Dominants look at these kinds of things. They pay attention to how you word things, how you explain things. Instead of telling someone that 'legal trouble' is a limit; tell them instead that this is a line that will never be crossed. It does not make you less submissive or less of a slave. It does however, make you smart and informed. edited to add: Sometimes, semantics are a good thing. It keeps you from being misunderstood [8D]

littleladybug -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 12:42:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist LOL...I like you...so keep that in that mind as you read the rest quote: It's a line that is just not crossed. That right there says it all You have stated a boundary that if crossed, would cause you irreversible damage... Take it a step further though. The words legal trouble...generally, mean the same thing to everyone. Yet...there are different kinds of 'legal trouble' a person can get into. The one's that end you in jail or prison...are obviously the ones that you should refrain from. (YOU being a generalized term) So, you tell a potential Dominant that you do not want to get into any 'legal trouble'. He/she is going ask...what kind of legal trouble? You have just allowed him/her to take YOUR boundary and turn it into a limit. Many experienced Dominants look at these kinds of things. They pay attention to how you word things, how you explain things. Instead of telling someone that 'legal trouble' is a limit; tell them instead that this is a line that will never be crossed. It does not make you less submissive or less of a slave. It does however, make you smart and informed. edited to add: Sometimes, semantics are a good thing. It keeps you from being misunderstood [8D] LMAO...any Dominant worth his salt to me will NOT ask "what kind of legal trouble?" when I mention that limit. Unless, of course, I'm dealing with another attorney, in which case, we usually have a huge laugh about, and say at the end of it all, "yup, not going to go there." No, I don't expect a non-attorney that I am with to understand all of the legal intricacies...but I do expect them to respect the fact that I do NOT want to even remotely go close to it. Seems to me like that's not a huge deal...but, if it is...so be it. I think my standard line is "I will not do anything that might get me in legal trouble". I don't give a hoot whether that's defined as a "limit" or a "boundary"...at the end of the day, it's a line that will not be crossed. Crap, even the slightest misdemeanor fits this bill, as far as I'm concerned. "Experienced Dominants" my tucchus. It's a line that I, as the person that I am, have made, and will not be crossed....no matter the "experience" of the person I am with. There's no "change" there. But, perhaps, as I am thinking about it, this may not be the best example that I could have chosen.... Perhaps it's better to take another one of my "limits" as the case in point. Hmmm....blood letting vs. shit play....let's go with the former. I know that there are a lot of people who dig the "blood letting" thing. And, fine....safe, sane, consensual....it's just not my thing. Needles, knives, anything meant to break skin, I want nothing to do with. One of my limits, straight out of the gate. I have no "vested interest" in the blood issues...except that I don't like it. what's the difference if I express it as a "limit" or a "boundary"? If we're going to spend time together, it won't be doing that...no matter how he "spins it". (And, yes, I appreciate that you "like me"....were it not for that, the fangs would totally have been out. Seriously though, thanks for stating that...it is appreciated.)

InHisHeart -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 1:07:57 PM)
~FR'ing For "us", if a boundary is crossed, it's a definite deal breaker, no second chances. Cheating, dishonesty, abuse are some of them for both of us. For "us", limits are what I stated previously and I have 3 levels. Hard limit, soft limit and higher than soft (but not hard) are things I have limited myself to out of fear, anxiety or for whatever reason. Those limits I want to be pushed through because I don't like limiting myself but can't get past them without being pushed and challenged to move forward beyond them. An example: An above soft limit I had years ago was being tied, cuffed or restrained in any form. Due to my past, being restrained was a huge trigger for me, it triggered my PTSD symptoms but I wanted to get beyond that fear, that trigger, the anxiety, the panic I felt but couldn't do it on my own so with the help of my former Dom/husband, he took his time, he was cautious and gradually over time was able to push me beyond it where being restrained no longer had a negative effect on me and became very enjoyable for me. With my soft and higher than soft limits, they're not written in stone, they can change or maybe they'll never change. When I started in this lifestyle 30 years ago, I had limits that I no longer have, some I no longer felt I wanted or needed, some came off my limit list because thankfully I was pushed through them. A hard limit for me IS written in stone, just not going to happen.......ever! My definition of limits is the language I've always used since I started in this lifestyle many moons ago, Master and I understand it as did my former Dom/husband. As long as we understand each other, that's all that really matters, is it not? We don't play casually so whatever the proper term is, isn't needed because it won't come into play for us.

LittleGirlHeart -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 1:22:26 PM)
Any hard limit i have, is not pushable.

littleladybug -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 1:26:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: InHisHeart My definition of limits is the language I've always used since I started in this lifestyle many moons ago, Master and I understand it as did my former Dom/husband. As long as we understand each other, that's all that really matters, is it not? We don't play casually so whatever the proper term is, isn't needed because it won't come into play for us.[/color] Yup...whatever you choose for yourselves works....it works for you, and that's what matters. As far as I am concerned...and that works for however far you can throw me...I get it. I am SO behind whatever semantics work for you, you have no idea. You have your gradations of limits, and I have my own....whatever definitions of things.... Point is, it's what we choose for ourselves. And, if it works....I'll be the first to set off the fireworks.

ExiledTyrant -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 1:28:22 PM)
Girls, you're all pretty. Now behave. Does anyone know the difference between: Soda & pop Getting pissed & getting pissed Going to & fixing to

IrishMist -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 1:30:39 PM)
quote: Perhaps it's better to take another one of my "limits" as the case in point. Hmmm....blood letting vs. shit play....let's go with the former. I know that there are a lot of people who dig the "blood letting" thing. And, fine....safe, sane, consensual....it's just not my thing. Needles, knives, anything meant to break skin, I want nothing to do with. One of my limits, straight out of the gate. I have no "vested interest" in the blood issues...except that I don't like it. what's the difference if I express it as a "limit" or a "boundary"? If we're going to spend time together, it won't be doing that...no matter how he "spins it". Now this IS a much better example. I am going to use this to show how I seperate limits and boundaries. You say you want nothing to do with knives, needles because they are used to break the skin. Most would say this is a limit, and would state that it is something that could be 'pushed' However, you also state that 'bloodletting' is not your thing. That you refuse to have anything to do with any kind of play that would produce blood. This is a BOUNDARY. You have placed a line in the sand that should, and will never be crossed. It's a very clear statement that leaves no room for misinterpertation. Stating instead that needles and knives are a limit...well, that is open for all kinds of misinterpertation. Needles do not always produce blood. Knives do not always produce blood. I am a huge advocate of 'clear speaking'. Tellling someone that you 'won't' do something is different than stating that you 'can't' do something. Can't = fear of unknown Won't = smart enough to know better I know you think that I am making this harder than it should, but in the long run...it's good to really take a good hard look at what you can possibly do, and what you will not even contemplate...and then state it clearly. Trust me on this one. Dominant personalities appreciate a person who know's where there boundaries are, and refuse to compromise them. They also appreciate a person who is not afraid to say 'I am afraid to do this' because it shows a healthy respect for oneself. Being afraid to do something does not mean that you WON'T do it. In that same thought, a good Dominant will know whether or not it's healthy to try and push the fear. On a personal note, I have no limits. I am, and always have been a hard core masochist. I don't get sexual gratification from it; I just like pain...the more pain, the better I feel. I also like seeing blood. I love knives. I love the feeling as it breaks the skin, and I feel the blood trickling down. I do not however, like needles. They are a boundary that will never be crossed with me. And yet, I have piercings and tatts which obviously used needles. When I got those piercings and tatts, I had to be blindfolded and held down...not bound, just held. And yet, I refuse to allow them to be used for the purpose of chasing pain. No needles is a boundary that will never be crossed...it was not always like this, but for the last 15 yrs or so, it has been. There is a very clear distinction between what a person will allow, and what they will not contemplate. If you are telling someone that you have limits...you are telling them that you don't trust them enough to make the right decision in regards to you. If you are telling someone that 'this is a boundary line', you are informing them that crossing that line will lead to loss of trust. And without trust, there is no relationship.

littleladybug -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 2:51:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist If you are telling someone that you have limits...you are telling them that you don't trust them enough to make the right decision in regards to you. If you are telling someone that 'this is a boundary line', you are informing them that crossing that line will lead to loss of trust. And without trust, there is no relationship. And, with that being said... Yup...I don't have trust enough in someone who professes to be a "Dom" online....so, no, I don't trust them one iota.... In terms of "boundaries"....same deal...that same person who professes to be a "Dom" is in the same situation.... Limits...boundaries....whatever...no big deal....

littleladybug -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 2:57:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist I do not however, like needles. They are a boundary that will never be crossed with me. And yet, I have piercings and tatts which obviously used needles. When I got those piercings and tatts, I had to be blindfolded and held down...not bound, just held. And yet, I refuse to allow them to be used for the purpose of chasing pain. No needles is a boundary that will never be crossed...it was not always like this, but for the last 15 yrs or so, it has been. There is a very clear distinction between what a person will allow, and what they will not contemplate. If you are telling someone that you have limits...you are telling them that you don't trust them enough to make the right decision in regards to you. If you are telling someone that 'this is a boundary line', you are informing them that crossing that line will lead to loss of trust. And without trust, there is no relationship. Really, you need to be held down for in essence what you would want from your submissive? You are really quite the man... LMFAO...you only needed to be held down....you are THE MAN....

IrishMist -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 3:01:00 PM)
LOL too bad your sarcasm lacks punch. You really should work on that sweetcheeks.

littleladybug -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 7:09:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist LOL too bad your sarcasm lacks punch. You really should work on that sweetcheeks. I'll certainly take that under advisement honeybunch.

Gauge -> RE: pushing limits (9/11/2014 10:15:40 PM)
I smell a love connection.[8D]

DesFIP -> RE: pushing limits (9/12/2014 2:54:31 AM)
So how is pushing a health limit going to make me grow. Yeah he could start punching me in the face and cause me to become blind. How is that a good thing? He could push the limit that will cause me to have panic attacks, that's not going to help him prove that he's someone trustworthy. The opposite instead. More importantly, I don't need someone else to force me to grow and mature. That's my job and when I needed assistance, I used a trained professional. So how is some dude who is a sous chef, or a mail room clerk going to have the training to know what I need and what are the best ways to get to where I want? If you need this much help, find a good therapist.

ExiledTyrant -> RE: pushing limits (9/12/2014 5:15:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP So how is pushing a health limit going to make me grow. Yeah he could start punching me in the face and cause me to become blind. How is that a good thing? He could push the limit that will cause me to have panic attacks, that's not going to help him prove that he's someone trustworthy. The opposite instead. More importantly, I don't need someone else to force me to grow and mature. That's my job and when I needed assistance, I used a trained professional. So how is some dude who is a sous chef, or a mail room clerk going to have the training to know what I need and what are the best ways to get to where I want? If you need this much help, find a good therapist. WebMD, where have you been you silly girl?

Bhruic -> RE: pushing limits (9/12/2014 7:48:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Pr3ttyPlaything ... my concern is that someone who doesn't know me well would be less likely to care if they caused mental or physical damage. It's also much harder to place my boundaries in the hands of someone who hasn't earned my trust. It is also quite likely that someone who doesn't know you well might not be confidently aware of what your boundaries are, and thus might be pushing them unawares. Personally, I do not consider it wise to place your boundaries with someone who does not have your trust, so I would not fret that you find that hard to do.

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