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The Kind Sadist - 9/9/2014 8:08:30 AM

AchingSensuality

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I've been thinking a lot about something a friend of mine mentioned here in the forums a few weeks ago. She referred to me as a "kind sadist", which I will own because I am. She understands me but finds it humorous. However, it's apparent most people see a distinct conflict between my sense of kindness and my orientation to sadism. I've heard it remarked upon multiple times, three times in this past week alone actually. What I don't understand is why it's so hard to fathom.

I'm a physical sadist, I so love administering (consensual) pain. And the level of masochism of my subject, from hardcore to barely registering, doesn't matter to me as I can work within whatever parameters are necessary. I have a good friend who is an incredibly hardcore masochist and I wale on her with every ounce of my considerable strength and she doesn't make a noise, and she barely flinches. As a matter of fact, she falls so deep into subspace that I have to remind her to breath. That is a massive amount of fun.

But I also had a submissive that was not a masochist at all, he only wanted to experience pain to please me. In that case, I knew his boundaries and would delight in taking him to the edge and watching him squeal and squirm. The former scenario is one I consider great fun, the latter scenario is one that makes me... Well, let's just say it's a different form of fun.

What I am not, however, is an emotional sadist, and I think that's where people get confused. They cannot separate sadistic pleasure from being mean. There is a universe of difference between hitting someone out of anger or spite, and spanking or flogging someone out of a sense of consensual pleasure. So my questions to the community are... Why the disconnect? I'm sure I cannot be the only kind sadist out there. Could my female gender be a factor in this? Or is this simply a manifestation of folks receiving their education on dominant women from the school of cheesy porn? With my submissives I am both strict and sadistic, and kind and loving, what is so hard to understand?
Sincerely,
Aching Sensuality

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RE: The Kind Sadist - 9/9/2014 9:16:52 AM

AKinkCounselor

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I am as much an emotional sadist as I am a physical sadist (actually, I probably enjoy the psychological / emotional side considerably more) I enjoy teasing / hurting / emotionally 'exploiting' someone because they enjoy it. I enjoy being able to produce that discomfort, I enjoy the disjointed reactions that brings.

I'm male, so that perhaps throws the gender part out of the window!

I think it is the same disjoint that a submissive feels, that is so popularly experienced. I think it comes from those contradictions 'how can you be kind and hit someone' etc.

On the surface it isn't logical, and a lot of people don't tend to look deeper than the surface...

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RE: The Kind Sadist - 9/9/2014 10:37:24 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AKinkCounselor

I am as much an emotional sadist as I am a physical sadist (actually, I probably enjoy the psychological / emotional side considerably more) I enjoy teasing / hurting / emotionally 'exploiting' someone because they enjoy it. I enjoy being able to produce that discomfort, I enjoy the disjointed reactions that brings.

I'm male, so that perhaps throws the gender part out of the window!

I think it is the same disjoint that a submissive feels, that is so popularly experienced. I think it comes from those contradictions 'how can you be kind and hit someone' etc.

On the surface it isn't logical, and a lot of people don't tend to look deeper than the surface...

I second almost all of the above...

As I dyed several weeks ago, I am both a physical and mental sadist. I enjoy both types of play but the last few years have been more an exploration of that mental side of me. But again, my kindness...for lack of a better word...comes into play. I like humiliation...can't stand degradation. I like to poke and prod and tweak and stimulate and provoke and hurt...I take pride in not harming. (this statement refers tocyhe physical as well as mental).

And when it's all done...the crying, the ouch, the mental gymnastics...I like to take care of the person and treat them as the human being they are.

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RE: The Kind Sadist - 9/9/2014 11:28:36 AM

Blonderfluff

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quote:

I second almost all of the above...

As I dyed several weeks ago, I am both a physical and mental sadist. I enjoy both types of play but the last few years have been more an exploration of that mental side of me. But again, my kindness...for lack of a better word...comes into play. I like humiliation...can't stand degradation. I like to poke and prod and tweak and stimulate and provoke and hurt...I take pride in not harming. (this statement refers tocyhe physical as well as mental).

And when it's all done...the crying, the ouch, the mental gymnastics...I like to take care of the person and treat them as the human being they are.

Whaaat? But we just spoke last night! Or. Did you visit the salon, and come out a new man! Inquiring minds want to know.
(I know, I know...now you have to slap your typist...

)

OP. On a serious note. Sadism and kindness are in no way mutually exclusive, as these two lovely gents have said. I'll go a little bit farther out on a limb, to say that the majority of the men and women that I know, that identify proudly as sadists, are some of the kindest people I've ever known. Just don't get a gleam in your eye, at the mention of a whip. They can smell the good kind of fear...

< Message edited by Blonderfluff -- 9/9/2014 11:29:21 AM >

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RE: The Kind Sadist - 9/9/2014 12:32:22 PM

MariaB

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I consider myself an emotional sadist. Being an emotional sadist is about being creative with the mind. It not just about flogging, whipping or caning someone; its about connecting and like AKinkCounselor said, going deeper than the surface. People become confused about what emotional sadism entails. Emotional sadism isn't about hate and spite; its about a merging of minds and a joining of energy.

I would also consider myself a kind sadist. I want to love and laugh and hug and kiss away my submissives tears as much as I want to slap them and hear them scream.

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RE: The Kind Sadist - 9/9/2014 1:43:32 PM

egern

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It is not hard to understand at all. I do not know what it is with these remarks you get.

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RE: The Kind Sadist - 9/9/2014 2:01:27 PM

littleladybug

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I don't know that it has to do with gender at all. I have spoken with quite a few male Doms over the years who have expressed to me the *conflict* that they feel...between being kind and being a sadist. Over the years, I've encountered all types of Doms, and I have to say that my personal preference are the kind sadists...the ones like you AchingSensuality, the physical sadists. As I've gotten older, I've become less of a masochist, however, for me, the limit has always been drawn with physical sadism.

To each their own, for sure. For me, though, I have no problem with understanding the dichotomy that sometimes comes with being a sadist. And, I definitely do appreciate Doms (and Dommes) who have enough self-awareness to be able to say "here's what I am, take it or leave it". As far as I'm concerned, someone who says "I don't understand (whatever about you)" may bring up a good talking point...but that's what it is. Doesn't make them "right" in any way, shape or form.

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RE: The Kind Sadist - 9/9/2014 2:21:37 PM

InHisHeart

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Master is all of the above, a physical sadist, emotional sadist (to some extent) and he's a very kind sadist.

Emotional sadist to some extent that I mentioned is similar to what CreativeDomiant said......"I like humiliation...can't stand degradation." and "I take pride in not harming. (this statement refers tocyhe physical as well as mental)."

Master will humiliate me but not degrade me, he's a sadist but he's not mean, he doesn't do anything out of anger or spite and he won't do anything that will cause me damage either physically or emotionally. He also takes wonderful care of me afterwards.

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RE: The Kind Sadist - 9/9/2014 2:49:50 PM

eulero83

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AchingSensuality I bet you are even more than just a kind person and a sadist, I'm sure your friend naamed the two aspects she likes the most in your complexity. From my point of view (as a submissive male), kindness in a sadist is exactly what makes me want to suffer more for her, it builds trust.

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RE: The Kind Sadist - 9/9/2014 3:04:32 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff

quote:

I second almost all of the above...

As I dyed several weeks ago, I am both a physical and mental sadist. I enjoy both types of play but the last few years have been more an exploration of that mental side of me. But again, my kindness...for lack of a better word...comes into play. I like humiliation...can't stand degradation. I like to poke and prod and tweak and stimulate and provoke and hurt...I take pride in not harming. (this statement refers tocyhe physical as well as mental).

And when it's all done...the crying, the ouch, the mental gymnastics...I like to take care of the person and treat them as the human being they are.

Whaaat? But we just spoke last night! Or. Did you visit the salon, and come out a new man! Inquiring minds want to know.
(I know, I know...now you have to slap your typist...)

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...smart-ass girl.

Anyone who's taken a close look at my pics knows, there isn't hardly anything...on top of my head, at least...to dye. As the sexy blonde knows. I meant "did". And yes, I will have to slap the typist.

quote:

OP. On a serious note. Sadism and kindness are in no way mutually exclusive, as these two lovely gents have said. I'll go a little bit farther out on a limb, to say that the majority of the men and women that I know, that identify proudly as sadists, are some of the kindest people I've ever known. Just don't get a gleam in your eye, at the mention of a whip. They can smell the good kind of fear...

~nose in the air~ and you submissives just thought was part of the whole "cocky " thing.

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RE: The Kind Sadist - 9/9/2014 6:02:04 PM

CaptR

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This is an interesting discussion for me. I too had been labeled as "kind" by a masochistic friend in the past. I viewed it as a natural course of action that balanced out the pain and humiliation she craved. I employed it as much for myself as a benefit to her. An unforseen emotional discovery was, as she would relate to me later, she not only loved the pain but felt she deserved it because I was so attentive.
Crossing that psychological threshold was a journey we took together carefully. If this statement makes any sense to anyone as it does to me let me know, kindness has the potential to be emotionally cruel. My partner was an emotionally strong woman but we both recognized a danger I'm guessing isn't uncommon?

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RE: The Kind Sadist - 9/10/2014 9:51:01 AM

AchingSensuality

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Thank you everyone for your replies.

I am also a mental/psychological sadist, but did not include that aspect of my persona because it has never been questioned in terms of a conflict.
However, after reviewing what everyone shared I'm beginning to think that the answer lies in the orientation of the questioner.

My friends that have masochistic tendencies don't question it at all, they're just thrilled to meet an enthusiastic practitioner. However, I now realize that the parties involved in the various discussions I've had, had no masochistic tendencies of their own and therefore, their questioning was more than likely a reflection of their fear of pain coupled with an obvious lack of insight.

I now say this because in a private conversation yesterday, a friend compared a sadist accommodating a masochist to someone giving an alcoholic a bottle of spirits. I was pretty much stunned by the comparison, and actually, still am.

And on a side note...
"Being an emotional sadist is about being creative with the mind. It not just about flogging, whipping or caning someone; its about connecting and like AKinkCounselor said, going deeper than the surface."

Creativity, as well as a deeper connection, are just as evident in physical sadism as in emotional sadism. Well, let me qualify that, they are if the practitioner cares enough to ensure they are.

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