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Want to, Need to but can't ? - 9/10/2014 5:28:45 PM   
Tantalust


Posts: 32
Joined: 12/3/2012
Status: offline 		Is this common with the inexperienced that they so desire to submit to another but for some reason they cannot discern, they just can't move on what they desperately want ?

Any suggestion on how to get over this issue or is it forever torture of the worst kind ?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 9/10/2014 6:29:07 PM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline 		What is it within you that is holding you back?



_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.


(in reply to Tantalust)
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RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 9/10/2014 6:57:27 PM   
Tantalust


Posts: 32
Joined: 12/3/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: InHisHeart

What is it within you that is holding you back?




Fear

Fear of what I don't know but it has always been the same, I just can't seem to act on what it is I want so much and there is someone interested in meeting via this website.

Where perhaps I should add I am not driven by lust through having a life long low libido of which cannot be treated, but then what I am seeking does not involve sex, which is good because I fear the active of that as well.



(in reply to InHisHeart)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 9/10/2014 7:25:58 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		You write in your journal over 7 months ago that you are just seeking friends. Does this still hold, or do you want more than that? Because the first incongruency I see in your profile is that you are gay but yet you have included Dominant women and Switch women under those whom you are Actively Seeking. Is this for purely platonic reasons or do you want them for BDSM play? If so, you have to ask yourself, why would a Domme or a female Switch want to get involved with a gay male?

Considering that you don't list any experience, may I ask why you call yourself a slave? Could it be you have unrealistic expectations of what consensual slavery entails and this is a contributing cause to your inner conflictedness? If you are procrastinating and dragging your feet on getting out there to meet kinksters in real-life social settings in order to ease into this lifestyle, then that may at the root of your internal state of paralysis currently.

You say you are 'unassertive often shy' and that you are a Scorpio. Scorpios tend to be reserved and introverted, but don't usually lack self-confidence. The only person who can step out of his comfort zone is...you. Take that first step and attend a munch in a casual vanilla setting where you might make some friends and then take it from there. We were all newbies at one time also, and it's nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. You're mature enough in age to rely on your people-discerning skills. Scorpios are good at that. JUST. DO. IT.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Tantalust)
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RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 9/10/2014 9:16:03 PM   
Tantalust


Posts: 32
Joined: 12/3/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

You write in your journal over 7 months ago that you are just seeking friends. Does this still hold, or do you want more than that? Because the first incongruency I see in your profile is that you are gay but yet you have included Dominant women and Switch women under those whom you are Actively Seeking. Is this for purely platonic reasons or do you want them for BDSM play? If so, you have to ask yourself, why would a Domme or a female Switch want to get involved with a gay male?


Friends yes where as I said friends may go onto more or not where it is with me I need the friend connection in order to feel comfortable in any situation and as to Gay well this website is limited as towards orientation where in fact I am intersexed and with it naturally passive to whomever takes interest. Where experience is these past ten years females are not interested in me in the online world or off, something about the signals I emit, but men are, bisexuals mostly to what they say is the feminine in me where I have no sexuality really where perhaps it's that low libido but I am not physically attracted to male or female but I am attracted to what is between either sexes ears, where friends makes it possible for me to discern attraction through what is said.

quote:


Considering that you don't list any experience, may I ask why you call yourself a slave? Could it be you have unrealistic expectations of what consensual slavery entails and this is a contributing cause to your inner conflictedness? If you are procrastinating and dragging your feet on getting out there to meet kinksters in real-life social settings in order to ease into this lifestyle, then that may at the root of your internal state of paralysis currently.


Minor experience with a hedonistic bisexual Dominant male on this website of whom has become a close friend, where he admits what I need he can't cater for, it's too dark for him and advises I find another who can or forever be famished for what I need, where it was he that suggested I am far more than submissive from experience and he recognises because of my issues I need someone more controlling than he, most certainly forceful because I can be a brat and not through want of fun, it's just me sometimes. As to the outside world I have been attending the local munch for ten years and it is no one is interested and I have made efforts in that direction where it was even said my body language isn't male, I simply emit the wrong signals for the attraction process to even have a chance for in my area it's all couples and the bisexual amongst them want females and can you believe it the city hosts an under 35 munch where the older are not permitted because of what some single older predatory males did to bright young things, i.e. scare them off

quote:


You say you are 'unassertive often shy' and that you are a Scorpio. Scorpios tend to be reserved and introverted, but don't usually lack self-confidence. The only person who can step out of his comfort zone is...you. Take that first step and attend a munch in a casual vanilla setting where you might make some friends and then take it from there. We were all newbies at one time also, and it's nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. You're mature enough in age to rely on your people-discerning skills. Scorpios are good at that. JUST. DO. IT.


I also have the autistic like that comes with Klinefelter Syndrome, discerning people is not an easy task for me, that is why I rely on written communication online.

And I have considered many times to just give up, but as anyone knows who has tried it's nigh on impossible, for what is what constitutes BDSM, it's how we are wired.

And my self confidence constant rejection has a habit of undermining that, where I didn't have much to start with.

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 9/11/2014 11:43:27 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		My advice?

Stop trying so hard to find someone.

Make some friends.
Make some connections.
Treat this as you would any relationship...
Look for honesty, integrity, loyalty, and honor

and when you find those in a person, and the two of you click...then focus on the D/s/M/s/BDSM aspects.

Oh...and please...fix your profile so that it's a more indepth portrayl of YOU...and not a generic listing of every person out there.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to Tantalust)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 9/11/2014 10:07:51 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantalust


quote:

ORIGINAL: InHisHeart

What is it within you that is holding you back?




Fear

Fear of what I don't know but it has always been the same, I just can't seem to act on what it is I want so much and there is someone interested in meeting via this website.

Where perhaps I should add I am not driven by lust through having a life long low libido of which cannot be treated, but then what I am seeking does not involve sex, which is good because I fear the active of that as well.




Anything new can be intimidating, that is normal and natural. Also you may be bombarded by all kinds of unsavory mail (perhaps), which will make you even more timid if you are just seeking a connection with someone kinky rather than an online character. We're not all like that, some of us have this element in our life but it doesn't define all that we are, meeting someone for the first time should be casual and comfortable like any other first time meeting.
I would suggest being proactive in communicating with people who are open to meeting publicly, vanilla setting, just for a chat. We usually don't whip out the ropes on the first date (Lifestyle D's), and someone will be willing to gently guide a newbie, I'm sure. I have done so quite a bit over the years but not so much anymore unless LTR.


_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to Tantalust)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 9/13/2014 6:18:36 PM   
Tantalust


Posts: 32
Joined: 12/3/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko


quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantalust


quote:

ORIGINAL: InHisHeart

What is it within you that is holding you back?




Fear

Fear of what I don't know but it has always been the same, I just can't seem to act on what it is I want so much and there is someone interested in meeting via this website.

Where perhaps I should add I am not driven by lust through having a life long low libido of which cannot be treated, but then what I am seeking does not involve sex, which is good because I fear the active of that as well.




Anything new can be intimidating, that is normal and natural. Also you may be bombarded by all kinds of unsavory mail (perhaps), which will make you even more timid if you are just seeking a connection with someone kinky rather than an online character. We're not all like that, some of us have this element in our life but it doesn't define all that we are, meeting someone for the first time should be casual and comfortable like any other first time meeting.
I would suggest being proactive in communicating with people who are open to meeting publicly, vanilla setting, just for a chat. We usually don't whip out the ropes on the first date (Lifestyle D's), and someone will be willing to gently guide a newbie, I'm sure. I have done so quite a bit over the years but not so much anymore unless LTR.



Oh yes I have been bombarded by the unsavory, where scene talk, it's boring as a first approach where I don't expect any of that stuff at least trust has been established but I am aware there are some real wankers out there posing under the name of Dominant where really they give the genuine a bad name, but one can't help people.

But I am passive, shy and not with a great deal of confidence, not much of a male really and this issue has always been a problem for I really do feel like a child in adult's world.


(in reply to GoddessManko)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 9/16/2014 7:08:24 PM   
lostnlooking9


Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2011
Status: offline 		Common? I don't know. But it happens, experienced and inexperienced alike.

While I cannot speak about others, for me it's either due to fear(like you) or uncertainty.

I've learned long ago that if I fear so much, or things are such that I wonder if it is right, and it causes me to not commit, I see it as a sign that the situation isn't right for me and I respectfully break things off and move on.

I for one consider myself a slave. I'm willing to give up a lot and submit to more than I should. I desire badly to submit and eagerly await ownership. And I would willingly jump into one if the right one came along.
But because that is so, it doesn't mean every one is right.

I'd be an owned slave right now if I was willing to sell my house, quit my good job and move across the country to live with a Domme that I only knew online. But because she said she wouldn't be happy unless I found and worked a good job, It caused me hesitation enough that I knew it wasn't right.

Another 'domme' I once met locally. And we hit it off pretty good, and she seemed to be one that I could serve, until I saw her chain smoke in front of her kid, curse and verbally abuse the kid and treat him like he was a hassle in her life.(not enough for me to go to the cops or anything, but definitely borderline) and that there failed because I'm not sure I could mentally survive seeing such often and still be submissive about it. As much as my submissive drive connected with her, I couldn't move forward.

Though perhaps your fear is different... perhaps your fear is submission.

and that.. that is natural. I'm experienced, if I'm told to not cum for a month, I won't. But the thought of such scares me because I know how hard it will be.(no pun intended. lol) Sometimes even bondage scares me. what if she doesn't stop? what if I cannot take it? what if it's too much?

And for that... there is no easy fix. If that is your fear and your hesitation, then don't dive in. take baby steps and make allowances for that fear so that you lean to swim instead of being overwhelmed and drowning.

And even still you may not get over such fear, you may learn to enjoy the fear, or accept it as part of your submission.

But in the end, as a submissive, you need to learn to control yourself. Mindless slaves are frowned upon, and the strong intelligent ones are sought after. Accept your flaws, accept your fears, and learn to move past or endure them. In cases like my first example, have the strength to understand that a Domme or a situation isn't right for you, and to walk away, instead of sticking with it to suck every ounce of control that you can out of it, knowing in the end you are just wasting both of your time and treating her like a tool, instead of as the Domme that she is.

Anyways, not sure if any of the above is helpful or related in any way, but hopefully some of it is and does. :)

(in reply to Tantalust)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 9/16/2014 7:26:27 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantalust


quote:

ORIGINAL: InHisHeart

What is it within you that is holding you back?



Fear

Fear of what I don't know but it has always been the same, I just can't seem to act on what it is I want so much and there is someone interested in meeting via this website.

Where perhaps I should add I am not driven by lust through having a life long low libido of which cannot be treated, but then what I am seeking does not involve sex, which is good because I fear the active of that as well.



What is it that you seek/are getting held back from? If it's a specific kind of play, go to a dungeon where that kind of play will be featured. Watch it. Get comfortable with it.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Tantalust)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 9/21/2014 2:05:06 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		What do you get out of not doing this?
Judging by your comment that you aren't much of a male, I'm guessing that what you get from holding back is not hearing a parent's condemnation in your head.

If you want to move forward then you need to deal with the old tapes in your head telling you no. You need to redefine for yourself what a man is. Which is not a robot who wears certain clothes and performs certain actions while looking in a specific style. It's someone who chooses for himself what he needs to be his authentic self.

You could try putting affirmations around your home so you are surrounded by positivity and not negativity. But if you could get some therapy to address these issues, that would be a lot faster.

And in case the person who told you real men don't do what you want to do also told you that real men don't go to psychologists, and instead they stay lonely and unhappy their whole lives, then it's time you took back your life from them. I don't know how many years it's been since you lived with that person, but were they always right? Were they bigoted in other ways? Were they always loving and supportive or not? Because if you can see their failures in other things, then can't you accept that maybe they were wrong about this also?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 9/21/2014 2:24:44 PM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantalust
...they just can't... <snip>

According to my old sports teacher - there's no such word as "can't".

If there's nothing physically stopping you, then "can't" is translated into "won't".
Bite the bullet, and just do it. Simples!

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”
George Orwell, 1903-1950


(in reply to Tantalust)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 9/22/2014 7:17:39 AM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline 		I agree with IrishMist. I recognize your anxiety, and it is the anxiety of the wholly unknown situation. When you first connect with someone and consider meeting, but you really know nothing concrete about them, then your imaginings of what might transpire can go to the limit of your fantasies, and cause anxiety about whether you are really prepared to entertain those fantasies.

Better not to over think. Meet someone with an understanding that things will only go as far as you feel comfortable going at first, and some of your fear may be abated.

_____________________________

pronounced "VROOick"

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 10/17/2014 4:38:18 AM   
flutterby55


Posts: 31
Joined: 5/17/2014
Status: offline 		Unfortunately, from where I stand it is forever torture.

(in reply to Bhruic)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Want to, Need to but can't ? - 10/20/2014 11:29:46 AM   
MsDDom


Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline 		For example, if fear is the deciding factor (or or something else); once that dissipates, then you may be able to move forward with your venture into BDSM.

That being said, why is that the excuse for not venturing out? I think the Internet plays a huge role in why folks are fearful. After all, there is so much "stuff" being bombarded, a person cannot get a handle on things. Slow steps aren't bad...neither is being in observation mode. Get from behind the PC and go to a local play space (dungeon), munch, or Con and really take it in...see what folks are doing within the BDSM community in your area. From there you can decide to stay fearful or take small steps to progress...



_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...
... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to flutterby55)
Profile   Post #: 15
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