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Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/14/2014 5:03:09 PM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline 		OK, I'm not completely reckless, but is there ever a point where a person can trust their significant other to the point where they completely submit, (ie be restrained, gagged and not have any signals), if there is true trust. Don't get me wrong, I would never even consider it with a stranger or someone I knew casually, but if there is a strong relationship, is this acceptable if you truly trust the person?
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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/14/2014 5:24:20 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

Acceptable to who? My guy and I have been together over two and a half years. We do not use safe words, nor do we feel the need for them in our case. I respect a person's desire to have one though. But Id caution that a safe word is only as good as the person who you are with honoring it.

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/14/2014 6:07:49 PM   
StrictlyADomina


Posts: 103
Joined: 7/11/2011
Status: offline 		If it's a new partner, then they can be helpful. With someone who you have played with on an on going basis, they are probably a mute point. As SeekngTrinity said, they are only as good as the person is at honoring it.

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/14/2014 6:26:15 PM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline 		A safe word is only good if you trust the person you're with and know he/she will respect it. Otherwise, it's just a word.

I trust Master completely but I still have a safe word. I don't have it due to any lack of trust in him, I have it mainly for two reasons, one because I have PTSD and I'm to use it if my mind starts going off in a bad place (I feel a flashback or panic attack coming on).

The second reason is because I have asthma and an asthma attack can hit at any time. I'm to use my safe word if I start having difficulty breathing even in the slightest way. In the 7 years we've been together, I've only had to use it twice and both times were due to my asthma.

I can use it if things are getting too much for me to handle physically or emotionally but that hasn't happened.

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/14/2014 6:36:30 PM   
subrosaDom


Posts: 724
Joined: 2/16/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick

OK, I'm not completely reckless, but is there ever a point where a person can trust their significant other to the point where they completely submit, (ie be restrained, gagged and not have any signals), if there is true trust. Don't get me wrong, I would never even consider it with a stranger or someone I knew casually, but if there is a strong relationship, is this acceptable if you truly trust the person?


The best reason to use safewords is because something unexpected may happen. Medical emergency, something is just "wrong," etc. On the other hand, if your sub stops saying "No! Stop!" and for the first time ever screams "Something's wrong. Help!" or equivalent, you would have to be lower than vermicular matter not to stop. So in that sense, a safeword isn't needed -- although in certain bondage, where your sub is relying on hand signals because she can't see or speak or otherwise move, then, yes, I'd say they're essential.

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/14/2014 7:00:53 PM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRick

OK, I'm not completely reckless, but is there ever a point where a person can trust their significant other to the point where they completely submit, (ie be restrained, gagged and not have any signals), if there is true trust. Don't get me wrong, I would never even consider it with a stranger or someone I knew casually, but if there is a strong relationship, is this acceptable if you truly trust the person?


If you would never play without safe words with a stranger, why would you do so with someone you love?

The operative word is "safe". It's there for the situations you can't predict, not the ones you can.

If they are restrained and gagged, put something in their hand that they can drop as the safe word.

To StrictlyADomina... "they are probably a mute point" - That is amusingly apropos, but the word is moot :)

< Message edited by Bhruic -- 9/14/2014 7:05:03 PM >

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/15/2014 1:20:16 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
My probably not widely supported opinion is that most kinksters 'use safewords' so they can feel like they're part of the Cool Kids Club <tm>.

Back in the day, before the Internet, what I read about safewords in BDSM lit was that they were set up so that when one person was resisting, (ie, roleplaying), a code word would be useful since "NO! STOP! Don't do that to me!" could be misinterpreted. A code word was needed to say "Stop, I really mean stop, I am not just acting."

Now, there are all kinds of codes and colors and words and sign language, you name it. When two people are engaging in BDSM with each other, there is nothing wrong with flat out straight communication if you are not roleplaying resistance. Since so many kinksters say "Oh we don't roleplay what we do is real" I don't know why anyone is using safewords at all.

It's so much sexier to have special code words like "red" or "orange" or "green" than to just say to your partner what you are feeling.

I don't use safewords at all, ever, unless I'm engaging in a really intense fake-takedown-interrogation game where my partner is pretending to be in hell and the begging seems real. I am not going to listen to him tell me how badly he needs to be given freedom or can't take the pain. If he means it, he needs to use a code word. But after being together more than ten years, I can tell what is going on usually.

Akasha



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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/16/2014 2:16:03 PM   
CountDrackula


Posts: 36
Joined: 8/19/2014
Status: offline 		I am beyond control..this I know, i state
you are nothing why do i care?

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/17/2014 10:56:36 AM   
muttmichael


Posts: 5
Joined: 9/6/2011
Status: offline 		in a personal relationship with Your Mistress no, any kind of pro session, or used by Her friends yes

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/18/2014 10:05:17 AM   
MistressKale


Posts: 19
Joined: 9/13/2014
Status: offline 		I always use them and remind my sub of them before particularly intense play. If he is gagged I also remind him of the non verbal. If anything is seriously wrong he needs to be able to let me know.

Luckily since I am cautious he has never needed to use them but I remind him always just in case. :)

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/18/2014 10:26:49 AM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		I feel you should always have the option and a method to back out of a scene if things get too intense for you. I don't have a set safeword, because "stop," "I've had enough," and "get the fuck off of me you fucker" are usually sufficient for me. If that's what works for you, I see no reason to further complicate things by shouting otherwise nonsense words when all you want is an end to the whipping.

Now, if you're talking about having no input whatsoever, no safeword or way to end the scene, that's a whole new ballpark of risk. It may be hot in theory to have "no limits," a level to which many aspire, but in practice it can quickly go south on you. What happens if you really have had enough and your top/dom wants to keep going? It certainly within the realm of possibility to trust your dom enough to say "do what you want" and truly have no fear, but the fact is you won't always be in that headspace. To expect it would mean an unrealistic ideal for your relationship in which you both are perfectly in sync.

tl;dr, using "stop" instead of a safeword is perfectly fine. Doing away with safewords entirely puts you in a romanticized, but dangerous territory for you and your top.

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/18/2014 10:36:30 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		Saying, "Oh my god, you sick, twisted, evil fucking bastard!" is really just encouragement and sometimes, FOREPLAY!

Jus sayin

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/18/2014 12:11:06 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		So does "go fuck yourself" work the same way?

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/18/2014 12:12:48 PM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

So does "go fuck yourself" work the same way?


Yes. Why do you ask, Miss Extension of Myself?

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Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/18/2014 12:21:58 PM   
bearcatw125


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/22/2008
Status: offline 		I don't play without a safe word. But to answer your question, no safe words are not always necessary. My dynamic is not the same as your dynamic. My rules shouldn't be applied to your relationships. If you don't want a safe word, then you don't need a safe word.

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/18/2014 12:50:06 PM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, they are ALWAYS necessary. I didn't have one back in 1996 and I died as a result.

Don't let this happen to you!

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/18/2014 12:57:27 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

Saying, "Oh my god, you sick, twisted, evil fucking bastard!" is really just encouragement and sometimes, FOREPLAY!

Jus sayin

But of course. "Go fuck yourself" also qualifies.

But you'll note that nowhere in that quote do you see any form of "stop that shit NOW!"

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/18/2014 1:00:33 PM   
AzSensualTop


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline 		I think COMMUNICATION is always necessary, safe words from my perspective are one tool for communicating, they are not the only tool in the tool box. I will respect safe words yet for me they are optional as I prefer standard phrases.

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/18/2014 3:09:03 PM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		It depends on what level I play. If I play with a none submissive masochist they never have a safe word because they aren't submitting to me. If I'm working with needles they don't have a safe word because there's so much communication going on between us and I'm constantly asking them how they are doing and encouraging a coherent response. If I'm doing something fairly mild with a submissive I know well, we won't tend to bother with a safe word.

One things for sure, if they don't have a safe word but suddenly need one, they will find one. If a dominant suddenly hears "RED" they will pay attention, especially if their sub doesn't have a safe word.

I'm with ET and SeekingTrinity, screaming and cursing would just drive me on to be more sadistic and pleading and begging would put me into Domme high I need something a bit more definite.

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RE: Are Safe Words ALWAYS Neccessary - 9/30/2014 12:10:35 PM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline 		OK, I wasn't expecting one definitive answer so much as an array of answers from different perspectives to give me food for thought and that is exactly what everyone here has don. Thank you for the feedback.

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