A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (Full Version)

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ytivarg -> A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/14/2014 8:06:17 PM)

As a Dominant, I give attention to her, not only in all the ways that I enjoy, but also in the many ways that she likes, from playful games, to candies, to special vibrators, to rough sex - and - for her - most importantly - to open display of her body.

By open display, I mean I have her, in private, crawl with her butt in the air and a tail swishing about, or bound tighly so her breasts and pussy are totally available to me, where I spend hours playing with the special parts of her body, never once being bored or distracted from my attention on her.

Yet, switching as a submissive, it's much harder to maintain the same relationship with the same woman. Tremendously harder. So hard, in fact, that I'm about to break up with her, over this one singular issue of attention.

Why? I don't know, but, I "think" it's due to the singular difference in how men need attention and how women need attention.

After two months of this relationship, I'm just not getting the attention that I crave, as a submissive.
She never has me displayed for her, and, in fact, my cock and balls are nothing special to her.
Neither are my buns. She might slap them, but that's about it for touch.

I'm seriously considering whether to continue or not.
Of course, I've brought this up to her, but, she says she has no particular interest in my cock, for example. It's just a cock, she says. Like a thousand others.

Yet, her breasts are heaven on earth, to me. Each one is different, let alone different from every other breast on the planet. They're *all* different, every last one of them. And foreever interesting. The *only* time I'veever been bored with sex is during the refactrory period, where, everything except cuddling is just plain silly.
But, during any period other than the refractory period, if I'm the Dominant, then I give her attention everywhere, and if I'm the submissive, I expect the same level of tremendous sexual attention.

Am I wrong?
Is there something wrong with me that I like attention to my cock (or, with her, that she doesn't)?

I can get attention, in spades, if I pay for it (and, yes, I admit, I've done that); but why doesn't she just give me the attention I crave, and deserve?



PandoraFoxxx -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/14/2014 8:11:05 PM)

Does she give you attention when you are dominating the scene? Or does she refuse to give your body/parts attention as a whole? Because if that is the case, you need to kick that to the curb.



FieryOpal -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/14/2014 8:32:16 PM)

~ FR ~ The short answer is, your partner is into being sexually objectified by you, but not into objectifying you. You have the propensity to switch, but she may not and is merely servicing Topping you as your submissive, whereas, you are expecting her to suddenly act like a Domme with you.

You could perhaps show her how to do Tease & Denial with you, orgasm control and edging, and then you may get the genitally focused attention that you are craving. If she starts getting into it, you have to relinquish the script and give her room to start enjoying having this kind of control in the bedroom; otherwise, you're just Topping her from the bottom when her heart's not into playing the role of Top to start with. Either encourage her to find her Dommely headspace, or stop complaining about how you're not getting your subbly needs met.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/14/2014 10:18:52 PM)

~FRing it~

Let's be honest...switch relationships can be complicated. It's the exception, rather than the rule, for two people to be able to switch with each other. I myself am a switch in a relationship with another switch. We are able to transition between those two extremes together. It just might not be the case for you though with your relationship. It's no fault on her part or yours, but she just might not be able to be the dominant you need her to be.

Have you two had an honest and open discussion about this?



ytivarg -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/15/2014 5:24:49 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: PandoraFoxxx

Does she give you attention when you are dominating the scene? Or does she refuse to give your body/parts attention as a whole? Because if that is the case, you need to kick that to the curb.


When I am dominating the scene, I am focused on her, so, it's a different dynamic with respect to attention to me. She does what I tell her to do, so, if I tell her to suck my c'k, she sucks it. In general, when I'm topping, I get all the attention I need, but, afterward, if I tell her to cuddle by lying between my legs with my (now) flaccid c'k in her mouth, she willingly obeys.

It's just that when she's topping, it's all lick-my-feet non-sexual kind of stuff, which I'm happy to do, but, there's no FOCUS on my cock, which is so very important. When I tell her to focus more on my sexual energy, she just says it's not interesting to her.



ytivarg -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/15/2014 5:28:23 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

Have you two had an honest and open discussion about this?


Yes, of course. Who wouldn't?

When I tell her that I need focus on my genitalia, for lack of a more polite way of saying it, she tries for a few days, but then falls back into her ways. I know the difference because, in times of frustration, I can pay for focus on me, and I get it just the way I like it, but, that's not the objective here.

As far as I know, she's satisfied that I focus my energies on her breasts, bottom, and pussy, which I can easily spend an entire Sunday afternoon playing with and never get bored. To keep me busy during work, she sends me private shots by phone, so I know she's capable of focusing on genitalia (for lack of a better descriptive term).

If only she'd focus on me like both she and I focus on her genitalia, I wouldn't be asking for advice here.



ExiledTyrant -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/15/2014 7:31:10 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ytivarg

When I am dominating the scene, I am focused on her, so, it's a different dynamic with respect to attention to me. She does what I tell her to do, so, if I tell her to suck my c'k, she sucks it. In general, when I'm topping, I get all the attention I need, but, afterward, if I tell her to cuddle by lying between my legs with my (now) flaccid c'k in her mouth, she willingly obeys.


This is you topping and her submitting as your bottom, and obviously you're doing it right or you wouldn't be doing it all. Is any of that a part of her list of demands, or is it all you?

quote:


It's just that when she's topping, it's all lick-my-feet non-sexual kind of stuff, which I'm happy to do, but, there's no FOCUS on my cock, which is so very important. When I tell her to focus more on my sexual energy, she just says it's not interesting to her.


This is you, the bottom, being a do-me bottom. You either accept it for what it is, or absolutely top from the bottom. It may not feed your sub/bottom, but it's not being fed anyway.

Jus sayin



CreativeDominant -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/15/2014 7:43:10 AM)

E.T. put out it very well. Since its Monday and I have a headache, I'll put it not so nicely...you sound like it's all about you.

When you're domming and paying all that attention to her cunt and ass and Tits, you talk of how you never get bored. She submits to it...May even enjoy the display and constant attention...but she' still submitting to what YOU want. When you submit, you want her to Dom you YOUR way.

Selfish...damn near to an extreme.



ExiledTyrant -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/15/2014 7:48:05 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

E.T. put out it very well. Since its Monday and I have a headache, I'll put it not so nicely...you sound like it's all about you.

When you're domming and paying all that attention to her cunt and ass and Tits, you talk of how you never get bored. She submits to it...May even enjoy the display and constant attention...but she' still submitting to what YOU want. When you submit, you want her to Dom you YOUR way.

Selfish...damn near to an extreme.


^ my evil twin Tomax ;)



SeekingTrinity -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/15/2014 8:47:58 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ytivarg


quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

Have you two had an honest and open discussion about this?


Yes, of course. Who wouldn't?

When I tell her that I need focus on my genitalia, for lack of a more polite way of saying it, she tries for a few days, but then falls back into her ways. I know the difference because, in times of frustration, I can pay for focus on me, and I get it just the way I like it, but, that's not the objective here.

As far as I know, she's satisfied that I focus my energies on her breasts, bottom, and pussy, which I can easily spend an entire Sunday afternoon playing with and never get bored. To keep me busy during work, she sends me private shots by phone, so I know she's capable of focusing on genitalia (for lack of a better descriptive term).

If only she'd focus on me like both she and I focus on her genitalia, I wouldn't be asking for advice here.


Many people don't for various reasons, which is why I asked. As for the whole do-me aspect, the folks above covered that quite well.




CreativeDominant -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/15/2014 9:50:32 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant


quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

E.T. put out it very well. Since its Monday and I have a headache, I'll put it not so nicely...you sound like it's all about you.

When you're domming and paying all that attention to her cunt and ass and Tits, you talk of how you never get bored. She submits to it...May even enjoy the display and constant attention...but she' still submitting to what YOU want. When you submit, you want her to Dom you YOUR way.

Selfish...damn near to an extreme.


^ my evil twin Tomax ;)

[&:][;)]



thishereboi -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/15/2014 11:00:14 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ytivarg


quote:

ORIGINAL: PandoraFoxxx

Does she give you attention when you are dominating the scene? Or does she refuse to give your body/parts attention as a whole? Because if that is the case, you need to kick that to the curb.


When I am dominating the scene, I am focused on her, so, it's a different dynamic with respect to attention to me. She does what I tell her to do, so, if I tell her to suck my c'k, she sucks it. In general, when I'm topping, I get all the attention I need, but, afterward, if I tell her to cuddle by lying between my legs with my (now) flaccid c'k in her mouth, she willingly obeys.

It's just that when she's topping, it's all lick-my-feet non-sexual kind of stuff, which I'm happy to do, but, there's no FOCUS on my cock, which is so very important. When I tell her to focus more on my sexual energy, she just says it's not interesting to her.



When she is topping then the focus should be on what makes her happy. If focusing on your cock is not interesting, why should she do it. It sounds like you want her to top you, but you still want to maintain control.



ytivarg -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/15/2014 11:42:13 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant
Is any of that a part of her list of demands, or is it all you?


Its hard to say since it's ostensibly all me, but, of course, I take all her known needs into account.
For example, she has sensitive nipples so I ensure that I play with them as long as possible.
Of course, I enjoy playing with them also, so its a mix where it is hard to separate her needs and mine.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant
This is you, the bottom, being a do-me bottom. You either accept it for what it is, or absolutely top from the bottom. It may not feed your sub/bottom, but it's not being fed anyway.


I think that was too deep for me, at least initially ... so, I'll re-read it a few times.



ytivarg -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/15/2014 11:43:31 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant
you sound like it's all about you.
Selfish...damn near to an extreme.


Interesting point.
I thought, as the bottom, it WAS all about me.
That's how I treat the bottom when I'm on top.



Xnawtyx -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/15/2014 11:55:09 PM)

wait.....

She don't like cock????

Lol

I'm joking!

.....
Maybe she finds it embarrassing and difficult to dominate you? Especially if she's got no problem with it when you are dominating her?






PandoraFoxxx -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/16/2014 12:27:08 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi


quote:

ORIGINAL: ytivarg


quote:

ORIGINAL: PandoraFoxxx

Does she give you attention when you are dominating the scene? Or does she refuse to give your body/parts attention as a whole? Because if that is the case, you need to kick that to the curb.


When I am dominating the scene, I am focused on her, so, it's a different dynamic with respect to attention to me. She does what I tell her to do, so, if I tell her to suck my c'k, she sucks it. In general, when I'm topping, I get all the attention I need, but, afterward, if I tell her to cuddle by lying between my legs with my (now) flaccid c'k in her mouth, she willingly obeys.

It's just that when she's topping, it's all lick-my-feet non-sexual kind of stuff, which I'm happy to do, but, there's no FOCUS on my cock, which is so very important. When I tell her to focus more on my sexual energy, she just says it's not interesting to her.



When she is topping then the focus should be on what makes her happy. If focusing on your cock is not interesting, why should she do it. It sounds like you want her to top you, but you still want to maintain control.



Yes. Took the words out of my mouth! boi & Exile. I wasn't really sure what the OP meant, that's why I asked for some clarification. OP, as a bottom, you're the one being of service, which means you serve in any way within reasonable limits set forth. The top is not obligated to service your cock, or make you feel good, or allow you to orgasm - just as you are not obligated to service your sub's parts, make her feel good, or allow her to orgasm. D/s is not quid pro quo: *especially* when it comes to switching. You got it allllll wrong there. Also, your cock is not important in that scenario. YOUR cock means precisely dick - unless she dictates it means something, then it becomes what she says it becomes.



LittleGirlHeart -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/16/2014 12:57:27 AM)

Bottoming to me is doing what THEY want, with in negotiated boundaries, it's not all about me telling them what to do.



PandoraFoxxx -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/16/2014 1:41:14 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ytivarg


quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant
you sound like it's all about you.
Selfish...damn near to an extreme.


Interesting point.
I thought, as the bottom, it WAS all about me.
That's how I treat the bottom when I'm on top.


Of course you did. *pat pat pat*



DarkSteven -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/16/2014 3:31:57 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ytivarg


quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant
you sound like it's all about you.
Selfish...damn near to an extreme.


Interesting point.
I thought, as the bottom, it WAS all about me.
That's how I treat the bottom when I'm on top.


No.

If it really WAS all about you, then you'd be directing her and telling her how to Top you. But you aren't - you're expecting her to Top you the way you want to be Topped, without telling her, and then being disappointed and on the verge of breaking up with her because she Tops you the way SHE wants.

When you Top her, you do it exactly the way you want. Whether you assume she wants it that way or not is irrelevant because you obviously haven't asked her at all, but somehow you assume it IS what she wants. Without discussion.

I'm not going to advise you to break up or stay with her. But I DO advise you to start freaking communicating with her. I'm very concerned that you're on the verge of breaking up with her, and she very likely is unaware that this is even an issue.



ExiledTyrant -> RE: A question specifically focused ONLY on sexual ATTENTION given during D/s relationships! (9/16/2014 5:31:58 AM)

I feel compelled to point out that I had a very good friend, a bit of a prominent figure in BDSM, that was absulately Dominant and a Maso bottom. He orchestrated and directed the scene from the bottom, always.

That said, however you do WIITYD is okay, as long as your partner is on board.

Jus sayin



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