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I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 12:09:59 PM

sarzyness

Posts: 23
Joined: 3/2/2007
Status: offline

I've been on CM almost 10 years, and when I first started coming here when I was 18, it was scary! One thing that scared me the most, was if someone told me I wasn't a 'real sub' because of X Y or Z, because someone with more experience, or older than me told me so.

Now i'm older... more confident in who I am, and if someone told me that I'd just laugh and ignore them.

But im looking on message boards, reading conversations in chat rooms, and it bugs me so so so so much when someone says, well if your 'Dom' said XY or Z to you He doesn't sound like a Dom to me so pack your bags, Or a sub is asking for help because shes not perfect (who is?) and someone says are you sure your a sub.

Am I just being over sensitive, because no one seems to defend these people who are being questioned about who they are. Most people side with the person suggesting to re think their life style without even knowing them!!

I think this is ridiculous, or am I being so closed minded that some people don't actually know who they are and they need some random person to tell them? Yeah a Dom might not treat a sub not completely the 'BDSM' way and everyone tries to convince the sub to leave him because its verging on abuse.... but who are random people on the internet to say? Yeah if someone asks for help, then give it, but so many people don't and still get peoples judgments anyway.

When is it ok? Has anyone here re thought who they because some random told them? Are you a random who has told someone to question who they are, and if so how can you justify it?

Post #: 1

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 12:11:34 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarzyness

Am I just being over sensitive

Yes. Ignore idiots, it makes the day much more pleasant.

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to sarzyness)

Post #: 2

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 12:20:45 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter?

All you need to know is what your wants, needs, likes and dislikes are, and find someone that is compatible with those. Of course sites such as this are going to be overrun with Sculpture D's and Clay /s's. Their agenda is to mold you, shape you, bully you into what they can manage. They cannot incorporate you and all the facets that you are comprised of into their "idea" of what their D/s is, so you have to be wrong and conform to them. It's their weakness that they attack in you, but your strength that keeps you true to self.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to sarzyness)

Post #: 3

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 12:29:18 PM

MrBeardyFace

Posts: 20
Joined: 10/5/2013
From: Phoenix, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarzyness
Am I just being over sensitive, because no one seems to defend these people who are being questioned about who they are. Most people side with the person suggesting to re think their life style without even knowing them!!

You're not being over sensitive to notice it. Maybe a bit oversensitive to worry about it. People will always try to push others to fit in with what they perceive to be normal or right. It's part of who we are.

_____________________________

Just because you don't think like me, doesn't mean that I think like you.

Look at me thoughtfully stroke my beard.

(in reply to sarzyness)

Post #: 4

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 12:49:21 PM

sarzyness

Posts: 23
Joined: 3/2/2007
Status: offline

Thank you for your replies, and I can see where your all coming from- why do I care?

I think what annoys me most, is i don't think ive ever seen anyone defend someone when someone else tells them to re think their life. It may just be everyone ignores them but you do get people who jump on the band wagon. It concerns me that people new to the lifestyle and come here to share worries/experiences will get scared away because no one defends them, and because of some idiot they think they don't belong

I guess i mainly wanted to hear from the people who think its their place to tell someone to re think who they are, and hear their point of view because i don't understand it at all!

(in reply to MrBeardyFace)

Post #: 5

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 1:19:58 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarzyness
But im looking on message boards, reading conversations in chat rooms, and it bugs me so so so so much when someone says, well if your 'Dom' said XY or Z to you He doesn't sound like a Dom to me so pack your bags, Or a sub is asking for help because shes not perfect (who is?) and someone says are you sure your a sub.

Every relationship message board I've ever seen has plenty of people who will call for the OP to break it off because her boyfriend is an abuser, or his girlfriend is a crazy bitch. This isn't unique to BDSM, nor to CollarMe.

I do think that most self-identified subs aren't submissive, especially if they are male. More appropriate words might be, "sexually narcissistic," "afraid of responsibility," or, "really a fetishist but that wasn't an available option."

I don't go around telling people, "That thing you say you are? Well, you aren't," because what would be the point? Collecting extra drama points? But just because someone calls themselves something doesn't make it true.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to sarzyness)

Post #: 6

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 1:24:46 PM

dcnovice

Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

I don't think you are what you say you are...

Well really, who is?

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to sarzyness)

Post #: 7

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 1:27:20 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice

quote:

I don't think you are what you say you are...

Well really, who is?

100% agree. I don't think it's too productive to talk about "what I am." Far more informative to talk about "how I think" and "what I actually do when faced with real world situations."

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to dcnovice)

Post #: 8

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 1:51:10 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

I would, essentially echo what Exiled said but, I would add a caveat:

It may be because you're not explaining yourself well or it may not be but, I don't find it inappropriate to ask someone if they are sure about how they're labeling themselves. believe it or not; some people really are quite confused, when they finally take the plunge into this lifestyle.

I know you said you've been around for ten years so, that kind of negates " ... when they finally..." however, for some people, they continue to try to fit their square peg-ness into the lifestyle's round hole-ness. My best friend is a dominant lady who identified as submissive for at least 5 years because people told her if she enjoyed being flogged and enjoyed giving her man oral sex, she must be a submissive. When the truth finally struck her, she was numb for a week.

So, back to the initial point: perhaps you're not explaining yourself well. Perhaps you should take some time to re-evaluate or perhaps, you should just stop worrying about what others think and follow your head/heart.

Good luck,

Michael

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 9

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 2:18:50 PM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline

You'll find this on all message boards and you'll find it with some people in real life. I got into a "discussion" with a Dom friend in RL the other day about this exact thing with him telling me Master isn't Dom enough because I've been out of town for the past 3 months taking care of my ill mother and no "real" Dom would put up with his sub being away that long, he would insist I come home.

If your way is different than their way, some people will get a preconceived notion about you and/or your relationship when they don't know squat about it.

You don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations and no one has to question themselves or their relationship because of what someone else says about it. How someone defines themselves and their relationship is all that matters.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to sarzyness)

Post #: 10

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 2:25:28 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: InHisHeart

You'll find this on all message boards and you'll find it with some people in real life. I got into a "discussion" with a Dom friend in RL the other day about this exact thing with him telling me Master isn't Dom enough because I've been out of town for the past 3 months taking care of my ill mother and no "real" Dom would put up with his sub being away that long, he would insist I come home.

I see the "Wit & Wisdom of WIITWD by Charles Manson" is still in circulation.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 11

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 4:00:19 PM

RockaRolla

Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline

Wait, what?

An ill mother is less important than a Dom's bedroom/relationship needs?

I am at a loss. Not even in a BDSM context, but in a "basic human decency" context.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 12

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 4:05:28 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla

Wait, what?

An ill mother is less important than a Dom's bedroom/relationship needs?

I am at a loss. Not even in a BDSM context, but in a "basic human decency" context.

Yep, mind blowing. I was stymied as well, hence the reference to the most notorious control freak of all time.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to RockaRolla)

Post #: 13

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 4:17:55 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Y'know, a real sub wouldn't have asked that question...

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 14

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 6:03:46 PM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline

~FR

I was shocked by it but with what he said might explain why he's never had a relationship last more than a few months. I stopped at Duncan Donuts for a much needed cup of coffee while running errands for my mom and that's where I ran into him so sat and had coffee with him. He asked when I got into town and I told him mid-June and that I was in for a 3 week visit with my family but my mom got sick while I was in so I stayed. He asked how Master felt about that. I told him neither of us are thrilled about being apart for this long but it is what it is. I told him he shipped me some of my fall clothes since I came up here with just summer clothes not expecting to still be here. He kept going on so I left before I went totally ape shit on his ass. I don't have a hot temper but this is not the time to bust my ass and live to tell about it.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to sarzyness)

Post #: 15

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 6:08:36 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: InHisHeart

~FR

I was shocked by it but with what he said might explain why he's never had a relationship last more than a few months. I stopped at Duncan Donuts for a much needed cup of coffee while running errands for my mom and that's where I ran into him so sat and had coffee with him. He asked when I got into town and I told him mid-June and that I was in for a 3 week visit with my family but my mom got sick while I was in so I stayed. He asked how Master felt about that. I told him neither of us are thrilled about being apart for this long but it is what it is. I told him he shipped me some of my fall clothes since I came up here with just summer clothes not expecting to still be here. He kept going on so I left before I went totally ape shit on his ass. I don't have a hot temper but this is not the time to bust my ass and live to tell about it.

I think you nailed it.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 16

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 6:11:12 PM

RockaRolla

Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline

Pfft, real subs have no family obligations. Their only responsibility is to Master and His whims.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 17

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 6:15:41 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla

Pfft, real subs have no family obligations. Their only responsibility is to Master and His whims.

You have to exorcise the Domme-onic presence out of them first.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to RockaRolla)

Post #: 18

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 6:18:09 PM

RockaRolla

Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla

Pfft, real subs have no family obligations. Their only responsibility is to Master and His whims.

You have to exorcise the Domme-onic presence out of them first.

Jus sayin

Dare I ask what is used in place of holy water?

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 19

RE: I dont think you are what you say you are... - 9/24/2014 6:21:43 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarzyness

It concerns me that people new to the lifestyle and come here to share worries/experiences will get scared away because no one defends them, and because of some idiot they think they don't belong

I agree. People who have been here for a long time I realize have seen their fair share of trolls,heard the same oldstory of irresponsibility causing some sort of dilemma quite a few times and to some degree, yes. There is band wagoning and generally sometimes flaming of people who make mistakes through the "learning" part of the lifestyle because some stories are on the far side of "ARE...YOU...SERIOUS?" to "OK, this person genuinely needs this advice right now, might be desperately searching for answers from a third party after mulling it over themselves in their mind."
Honestly, I can understand your worry, it is pretty much why I remained on the boards, emailed a few people I thought showed promise and pointed them in directions where they could have success (and for some of them it worked and they disappeared from the boards), and give an objective opinion even when the story may be less than culpable just because there be a ballpark chance that this person just needs you to say "No, wait, this isn't good for you."
I remember one story in particular where this lady was in recovery from an illness and was not intimate with her D. Immediately people called her insensitive, a user, non caring, etc" probably based on stories they had heard before but I read his story all the way through and three things stuck out.
1; She shared a bed with him and had him around her child.
2; She took him to family functions and vanilla activities with friends and family.
3; She herself was independently successful, an executive and could fare well with or without him.

There seemed to be an underlying issue and I right away accused him of being an s to force him to bring it to the forefront.
Everyone empathized with him, villainized her and I sort of took the other side to where I felt like he was the one being selfish and accused him of not being a D, hoping the full truth would come to light.
Finally the truth did, this lady was in recovery from an illness. He was the one in fact being insensitive and selfish and we did not find out until she finally "accommodated" his desires.
There are times when the right kind of advice is needed and when before jumping the gun we have to realize that we are hearing only one side of a story.
Objectivity is important on these boards and I agree with you. Band wagoning and bullying will scare off those who are coy, new and inexperienced, without a doubt. Most either join the party or disappear. And also some people just really need a difference of opinion, not a right or wrong way based on personal interest or wishes.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to sarzyness)

Post #: 20

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